Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Only Person Who Can Stop Batman Is DC's Version Of Bud Selig

Related to yesterday's post, do you think any superheroes or villains own sports teams? I'm positive there are people in the Marvel and DC universes who own sports franchises and use heroes and villains for their own purposes. Captain America bobblehead night. Hiring Rainbow Raider to render opposing quarterbacks colorblind so they throw to the wrong team.

I can't picture Reed buying one (during those times when he isn't broke). Johnny might do it (if he has that kind of dosh) as part of some elaborate prank on the Thing. Xavier doesn't strike me as the sort either, though maybe he'd buy ad space on an outfield wall. I could easily see Tony Stark buying the naming rights to a stadium*, then Obadiah Stane buys the naming rights to the rival team's stadium. I don't see Lex Luthor being a sports enthusiast (or considering it a sound investment). Kyle Richmond (Nighthawk)? Maybe. The biggest issue would be a known superhero getting okayed to own a sports franchise. The other owners have to sign off, and they might be concerned about super-villains attacking their players, or a rich super-scientist outfitting his players with high-tech equipment. Do Pym Particles count as performance-enhancing drugs?

I could see Bruce Wayne of the '80s or '90s** buying a local sports franchise as part of his "clueless playboy" act. The rich guy wanting another toy. As to whether Bruce could gain approval, I'm sure he could play the clueless schmuck willing to spend big to the point the other owners would OK his inclusion. He'll appear to wildly overspend, then wind up with a franchise worth twice what he paid (and 3 times what it was worth originally). He'd be successful, because as Batman, he's smart enough to develop all sorts of new methods of evaluating players. He'd approve the signing of players nobody else wanted, because his advanced metrics say that guy will play extremely well in their home stadium. He could make Alfred manager. Compared to looking after Batman and his various sidekicks, how hard can running a baseball team be?

I doubt he could have done it, but I'd like to think Danny Rand could have bought one at some point (maybe a hockey team). Then brought in his master, Lei-Kung the Thunderer, as the team's manager. Or at the least the trainer. It'd be the toughest, most agile team ever, assuming the players could survive the workouts.

Actually, Arcade would be the perfect person to own a sports franchise. Or at least to design a team's new (taxpayer-funded, naturally) stadium. Players, coaches, fans, they'd all have a ball. . . the size of a truck roll over them if they made the wrong step. Relax, it wouldn't have spikes or anything. Snare traps hidden near the goal line. Basketball rims that are periodically (and randomly) electrified.

OK, that wouldn't work, it'd never pass league approval. If Arcade were going to do that, he'd have to arrange the traps to be subtle, so people wouldn't notice what was happening, or they'd think it was a fluke. The snare trap would just appear to be a poor job of laying sod***. That goes against his style, though. I suppose he could always just modify some team's stadium without consulting anyone, but that's not quite what I was thinking of. And there's always the possibility he would legally purchase the arena. He offered to buy Agent X's amusement park from him, rather than just letting Hayden die and claiming it for himself.

* "Welcome to Tony Stark is Brilliant Arena for tonight's divisional playoff game!" Or perhaps "Tony Stark is the Cool Exec with a Heart of Steel Field!"

** Current day Bruce is too busy with Batman Incorporated to own a sports franchise. Assuming any are left after the earthquakes, plagues, gang wars, and so on. At this point, the various leagues may be unwilling to have Gotham amongst their cities, what with the likelihood other teams' players will get murdered on road trips.

*** Might explain a lot about the Steelers' field. It's not that the grass won't take hold, or that the stadium is designed so the winds at one end are particularly tricky. The designer littered the field with traps for kicks. I'm sure there are still ejector seats in the upper decks, and luxury boxes that will spontaneously fill with cheese foam to discover.

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