When Evil Opposites Are Around, Surprise Reversals Abound

*Two weeks prior to April Fools' Day, in a tastefully lit study, a shadowy figure checks their voicemail. . .*

Voicemail: You have five new messages. First message:

Calvin: {Hey, UnCalvin, it's Calvin. As you know, April Fools' Day is coming up, and I felt bad about not being around for your visit last year, so I was hoping we could schedule a time so I can make sure to be here. Call me back! Um, bye!}

Shadowy Figure (UnCalvin, obviously): Dullard. Still, it's not the same without him there to humiliate. I'll call later.

*Fifteen days later*

UnCalvin: Damn! I forgot to call him back! Where is that number? Ah, here it is! *dials phone*

Nasal, Feminine Voice: Yes, how may I help you?

UnCalvin: Er, uh, I need to speak to Calvin.

Nasal Voice: May I ask what this is about?

UnCalvin: I was told to call and try to schedule a time to meet him. Tell him it's UnCalvin, he knows me!

Nasal Voice: *bored* I'm sure he does, sir. Still, I handle his appointments, let me see if I can fit you in. *sound of humming over the phone, UnCalvin taps his foot impatiently* I'm sorry, it appears Mr. Pitt is booked solid for the next two weeks. You could come in the 17th.

UnCalvin: The 17th?! That's for too late, even for me!

Nasal Voice: *More humming* It does appear he has a 30 minute break in his schedule this afternoon. Can you be here in a hour?

UnCalvin: An hour?! But I'm halfway across the cou - I mean, I suppose I could manage that.

Nasal Voice: Very good, sir. I'll pencil you in. In the future, I suggest you make appointments further ahead of time. Mr. Pitt is very busy, and has little time for slugabeds. Have a nice day! *hangs up*

UnCalvin: What?! Slugabeds? How dare you? Who are you? Did you hang up on me?! Ooooh! *Charges out of the room, cape trailing behind* Prep my jet!

*Elsewhere*

Clever Adolescent Panda: UnCalvin's gonna be pretty sore.

Calvin: *stops pinching nose, sets aside phone* {More likely to be impatient and careless that way, right?}

CAP: As long as he doesn't figure out something's up.

Calvin: {How would he?}

CAP: You used "slugabed", for one thing. That's totally a word you'd use.

*66 minutes later, a small jet makes a rather ungainly landing in the parking lot. It manages to stop before rolling down the hill into the brush, and only damages five cars. UnCalvin leaps out and hustles inside, stopping in the hall*

UnCalvin: Where are you, Calvin?

*From behind one of the doors*: This room!

UnCalvin: *barging in* I'll get to you in a minute, but first, where's that receptionist of yours?

Calvin: {Receptionist?}

UnCalvin: Receptionist, secretary, administrative assistant, whatever her title. She was snotty with me.

Calvin: {Well, she is suffering from allergies. . .}

UnCalvin: That's not at all what I mean, and you know it!

Calvin: {Yeah, there is no receptionist.}

UnCalvin: What?

Calvin: {I had a plan to tell you she was on break, then watch as you charge into the common area and demand to know where Petricia is, but eh, it's not worth the effort.}

UnCalvin: Then why do it in the first place?

Calvin: {Because you waited until today to call me back! It's lazy and inconsiderate. So I decided to tweak you a bit.}

UnCalvin: Some of us have lives, Calvin:

Calvin: *leans back against wall* {Really? Tell me all about it.}

UnCalvin: *very animated* Well, I've set up in the most delightful high-rise, with a beautiful view of - wait a minute. I'm not revealing my base's location to you! *a muffled "poo" is heard* What was that?

Calvin: {I had chili for lunch.}

UnCalvin: *slightly repulsed* Ah. I might have guessed.

Calvin: *slightly shamefaced* {Hey, I'm doing the best I can with it.}

UnCalvin: *renewed determination* Be that as it may, I shall have to reprimand you for your chicanery, and destroying your blog seems as good a way as any.

*UnCalvin steps forward, bumps plastic trash can sitting in the middle of the room. It rocks, and water splashes out over the side onto UnCalvin's neatly shined boots*

UnCalvin: Gah! Why is there a trash can full of water in the middle of your room? Were you going to set it over the door before you decided that was too much effort as well?

Calvin: {No. The ceiling leaks there. *points up* That's why the smoke alarm's taken down. It's shorts out and starts beeping like crazy.}

UnCalvin: Then get them to fix it!

Calvin: {They would, but the higher-ups are considering tearing the place down and building a new one, so they don't see the point in repairing leaky roofs.}

UnCalvin: Clods.

Calvin: {Get no argument from me on that.}

UnCalvin: And why do you have your computer set up in such an awkward position?

Calvin: {Space restrictions. I have a roomie this year.}

UnCalvin: *indignant* They've consigned two of you to this drippy hell?

Calvin: {That's his stuff on the other side, so I'd appreciate it if your rampage didn't spread that far.}

UnCalvin: Understood. *eyes narrow* What do you mean rampage?

Calvin: {I mean, every time you show up, my room gets totaled. What else would you call it? In fact, it's probably your fault they decided to just build a new place!}

UnCalvin: Now see here, I have never engaged in wanton destruction of property. That was always the furry little dervish, or that scarred misanthrope you used to associate with.

Calvin: {Cornelius Potfiller?}

UnCalvin: You know who I mean.

Calvin: {Oh, right. He hasn't come around since I dropped his last series. Didn't appreciate my assessment of it as muddled, unfocused, unfunny, and artistically unappealing. I hear the new one is pretty good, though. Can't go wrong with killing reanimated presidents, I guess.}

UnCalvin: Oh, quite. *rolls eyes* My point stands: I don't wreck your domiciles.

Calvin: {You brought the big crazy guy that ripped off the wall and yelled about waffles.}

UnCalvin: He was my patron! I can't be held responsible for his maladies!

Calvin: *makes wanking motion* Yeah, yeah. Just make sure no "maladies" show up today.

UnCalvin: Crass berk. I must say, I'm so depressed for you, I'm not certain I want to further destroy you.

Calvin: {Well, in the spirit of me not being destroyed, here's a gift.} *Hands UnCalvin a large box*

UnCalvin: *takes the box cautiously* A gift? What is it?

Calvin: {Um, a blender? How the hell should I know? Someone else picked it out, I just put my name on it.}

*UnCalvin shakes the box vigorously. Several grunts and "oofs" can be heard. Also possibly some muttered curses.*

UnCalvin: The blender seems to be talking.

Calvin: {Of course. It's a new model. Instead of an irritating whirring sound, it makes small talk based on what it hears around it. They took the idea from those little toys. Whatchamacallit, Furbies. Perfect for when you make fruit smoothies. As I assume you do, since I do not.}

UnCalvin: I'm sure. *Hands box to Calvin* Why don't you keep it? And open it? *draws nifty laser pistol from folds of his cape* I insist.

Calvin: {OK, fine. Jeez, try to be nice, and the guy pulls a gun.} *Calvin opens the box, reaches in, and removes a Furby. Which is also a blender. It utters a stream of Japanese phrases, German numbers, and English swears* {Now what am I gonna do with this?}

UnCalvin: Hmm. I thought you'd hidden the panda in there as part of some attempt to find my base.

Calvin: {I don't care where your base is. That's the panda's pressing concern. My concern is seeing you hit with a pie.}

UnCalvin: What?

Calvin: {Now!} *Nothing happens* {I said, now! Oh, what the hell?} *Calvin stomps over to the closet and flings the door open. Clever Adolescent Panda sits within, an empty pie tin in front of it.*

CAP: You took too long. I got hungry, the pie smelled good, and. . .

Blender Furby: Aw, damn it.

Calvin: {Great, now the homunculus kitchen accessory is stepping on my lines.}

UnCalvin: *laughs loudly* Things not going quite as you planned, eh? How wonderful! I daresay this has been the best of these yet!

*UnCalvin resumes laughing, as the panda alternates between looking irate and licking whipped cream off its whiskers. Calvin wanders back to his computer and glances out the window*

Calvin: {Hey, UnCalvin. Did you clip anybody's car when you arrived?}

UnCalvin: A few. It was unavoidable some vehicles would be destroyed, given the space limitations. Only a pilot of my peerless skill could have managed it so well.

Calvin: {Yeah, you might want to go tell them that. Seems the owners of the unavoidably damaged cars are about to push your jet into the sewage lagoon.}

UnCalvin: What? No! I haven't finished paying for that yet! *dashes out of the room* Please, hold a minute peons- I mean friends! I can reimburse you for the repairs! Really, Let's not do anything rash! No! Noooo! *loud splash, then a gurgle* It had just been detailed!

CAP: *pats Calvin on the leg* Don't worry, I'll find his base and take him down.

Calvin: {Whatever. I wanted the pie gag.} *CAP looks crestfallen, and turns to leave*

Blender Furby: You'll have to open Site 1 tomorrow.

*Calvin picks up the unholy chatterbox, and tosses it to CAP*

Calvin: {When you find his base, make sure he gets that. It was his gift, after all.} *Calvin and the panda share a grin*