I'd Have Been Better Off Shopping

Clever Adolescent Panda: I don't understand why we couldn't come for Thanksgiving yesterday.

UnCalvin: Because he doesn't want us around his family, obviously.

Future Deadpool: *lifts face out of the bowl of mashed potatoes* We do blow things up a lot. *notices everyone staring at him, looks at bowl of potatoes* That was rude of me. I should have put some on my plate instead.

UnCalvin: Quite. Now hand me the cranberries, please.

Clever Adolescent Panda: You aren't going to use them as explosives, are you?

UnCalvin: *snidely* I don't know, are you and your silent partner there going to destroy my business and push me to the brink of financial ruin over a gag gift?

Cassanee: I'm here to be polite. And eat.

Future Deadpool: I'll say. You can really pack it away! I love a girl that eats! Sorry, woman. Woman that eats. Here, have some liquefied chicken bones. it' what we eat since chickens are extinct.

Cassanee: *shuffles chair away from Future Deadpool*

Clever Adolescent Panda: How many times do I have to say "I'm sorry"?

Future Deadpool: In my time, we had a machine that took money from your account and gave it to the person you were talking to every time you said "sorry". Then our Xavier destroyed it because he said it was oppressing mutants. Really, he was mad I kept tricking him into bumping into me and apologizing for it. Then Future Molly made me eat my arms.

UnCalvin: *pushes away plate* Thank you, Wade.

Calvin: Yeah, Wade, swell.

Clever Adolescent Panda: *whispering* Why did you invite him?

Calvin: He said his team told him there were timeline disruptions that wouldn't let him return home with them.

Clever Adolescent Panda: They ditched him.

Calvin: Pretty much. I felt bad for him, so here we are.

UnCalvin: *loudly* What are you two plotting over there?

Calvin: We were deciding who had to tell you there's no pecan pie.

UnCalvin: *outraged* What?! How could you not have pecan pie? I specifically requested it!

Calvin: Then why didn't you buy one?

UnCalvin: I'm busy! I have employees, and new shareholders to find, thanks to someone *glares at the panda*

Clever Adolescent Panda: Oh, let it go already.

UnCalvin: *undeterred* You've been lazing about for weeks! You couldn't even go buy one at the store?

Cornelius Potfiller: I brought a pecan pie.

Calvin: Yeah right. I could barely move yesterday, which is why we're doing this now. And if I had gone store bought, you'd have complained about how lazy THAT was. "Why didn't you make a pie? I grew these fruits personally.' Who brings fruit to Thanksgiving? Even Future Deadpool brought appropriate fare!

UnCalvin: Pizza rolls?!

Calvin: They're rolls, aren't they?

Future Deadpool: I missed pizza rolls. We had to kill them all 15 years before I came here when Ringmaster and the Circus of Crime hypnotized them into sentience.

Cornelius Potfiller: I brought a pecan pie.

UnCalvin: *irritated* Well then where is it?

Cornelius Potfiller: Oh sorry, it's behind the centerpiece. I didn't realize you couldn't see it.

UnCalvin: Oh. *takes pie* Thank you.

Clever Adolescent Panda: How did you know to bring one?

Cornelius Potfiller: I caught my maid cooking it for her family's dinner, using my kitchen. SO I took and brought it along. Can you believe the nerve?

UnCalvin: *stops eating* What?

Clever Adolescent Panda: What?

Calvin: *facepalms*

Future Deadpool: I find that really hilarious, but recognize it's also in poor taste. Also, I'd like to stab you.

Cornelius: *nervous* What?

Calvin: *sighs* I don't need blood all over the place. Cornelius take all the food that's leftover, give it to the maid, apologize for taking her pie.

Cornelius: Now see here. . .

Calvin: Otherwise, it's an open question which one of these three will kill you first.

Cornelius: *resigned* Very well. *muttering* I should have gone to the club for brandy and cigars, rather than consort with this gutter trash.

Calvin: Look this is running really long already. Why doesn't everyone say what they're thankful for so we can wrap this up?

UnCalvin: But I'm having so much fun! Fine. I'm thankful for my boundless intellect and good looks, which will see me through any crisis brought about by your meddling.

Clever Adolescent Panda: I'm thankful for UnCalvin never giving up, because it's so much fun to wreck his life.

UnCalvin: *outraged again* What? Impudent scamp! *reaches for blaster*

Cassanee: I'm thankful I live far away from all of you. *swats blaster away, aided by turkey grease on UnCalvin's fingers. gun lands in mashed potatoes*

UnCalvin: Curses!

Cornelius: I'm thankful for the whiskey and cigars awaiting me at the club, where I may scoff at your paltry repast with my similarly wealthy friends.

Future Deadpool: I'm thankful to be in a place that has indoor plumbing and mashed potatoes that come with prizes. Check out this nifty ray gun!

Clever Adolescent Panda: They have time travel when you're from, but no indoor plumbing?

Future Deadpool: Turns out mutant governments aren't any better about spending to maintain infrastructure than human ones.

UnCalvin: Delightful. Give me back my ray gun!

Future Deadpool: OK, but only because I'm highly physically attracted to you. *tosses blaster to UnCalvin, casually smashes Cornelius in the face with the bowl of potatoes* You can shapeshift to look like Pyslocke, right?

UnCalvin: *looking very uncomfortable* Um, Calvin, what are you thankful for?

Calvin: Besides being thankful I don't bring all of you together more often? Well, there's someone I want to express thanks to I never thought I would.

UnCalvin: You've finally recognized I'm the only thing keeping your blog going?

Clever Adolescent Panda: Get real! I'm the one who moves the needle!

UnCalvin: Please! You stopped being a draw after Calvin stopped posting pictures of adorable baby pandas! And those weren't even you! I know you were using body doubles!

Cassanee: What?

Clever Adolescent Panda: It's not true! Besides, you can find cute panda pictures anywhere. I'm the only one that fights ogres and evil opposites!

Calvin: The panda's right, as far as I know.

UnCalvin: I've asked you not to use that term. "Evil opposite" is hurtful. I prefer "metaphysically reactive".

Cornelius: *still on the floor* Could someone call a physician? I believe the clout to my cranium has caused my humors to mix dangerously.

Clever Adolescent Panda: *ignores Cornelius* That term is nonsense!

UnCalvin: Your face is nonsense! *Clever Adolescent Panda leaps across the table and the two begin scuffling.*

Calvin: *sighs, rises from the chair, walks around, and helps Cornelius up* You'll be fine. I put all the food in Tupperware bowls just in case someone tried to use them as weapons.

Cassanee: So who were you going to thank?

Calvin: Deion Sanders. *UnCalvin and Clever Adolescent Panda stop fighting*

Clever Adolescent Panda: *takes UnCalvin's hair out of its mouth* Wait, really?

Calvin: Yeah. Last week they were talking about the NFL Hall of Fame ballot, and Deion mentioned former Cardinals' cornerback Aeneas Williams as a guy he thought deserved to be elected. I don't know if it'll make a difference, but it was nice to see Williams get some acknowledgement. I always worry he gets overlooked because he played for the Cardinals. And Michael Irvin even backed him up on it. So, you know, thanks for that, guys.

Clever Adolescent Panda: Are you sure you aren't UnCalvin in disguise?

UnCalvin: Imbecile. You're sitting on me.

Clever Adolescent Panda: Yeah, but Calvin thanking two guys who played for the Cowboys? Oh no, we're trapped in an awful mirror universe.

Calvin: If we were in a mirror universe, I would have cooked a pecan pie for UnCalvin, and it would have been delicious. Also, Future Deadpool wouldn't be hitting on UnCalvin.

Future Deadpool: Yeah, I'd be hitting on you. Aw, that's an unpleasant thought.

Cassanee: *pushes plate away* Agreed.

Clever Adolescent Panda: Yeah, that's not right Future Deadpool.

Cornelius: What foul sentiment! This is the most farcical eating I've attended in many months, and furthermore - *Future Deadpool punches Cornelius in the face*

Calvin: Yeah, I think we're done here.

Clever Adolescent Panda: You aren't going to thank your audience?

Calvin: Not for another two weeks or so.

Clever Adolescent Panda: Two weeks? Oh, the blogiversary! Great, I'll see you then! *starts to leave*

UnCalvin: I'll also be here, to class up the proceedings.

Future Deadpool: And I'll be here to chat you up when you get drunk and cry a lot!

UnCalvin: *chants mystic incantation, vanishes*

Calvin: Guys, that really isn't necessary.

Cassanee: I'll pass.

Clever Adolescent Panda: Don't be like that. It'll be fun! We can bring the Ghost of the Forest along, too!

Calvin: Hey, at least one of you could take Cornelius with you!