Get Ready For Surprise Guest Stars!

A man in a plain uniform pushes a massive, multi-layer cake on a hand cart towards a building. Mr. Peterson, the lobby manager, steps in his way as he enters.

"May I help you?"

"Yeah, got a delivery for a party at Creative Industrial Approaches," the deliveryman replies, while thinking this guy has the most dull voice he's ever heard.

Mr. Peterson sighs and consults a clipboard. To his complete lack of surprise, there is no note about a cake delivery. When he points this out, the deliveryman gives him an exasperated look before replying, "The boss lady that made the order said she needed a rush job because it was a last minute thing. Said she almost forgot."

Mr. Peterson doesn't look entirely convinced, but recalling what happened the last time he tried to deny entry to a suspicious deliveryman, he realizes he doesn't get paid enough to get punched in the face, either. So he waves the man on. Into the elevator the deliveryman and the cake go (after some careful maneuvering, because it is a large cake.)

Meanwhile, on the 63rd floor, a dark furry shape wiggles back and forth as it tries to extract itself from an air vent. It succeeds and abruptly falls into a room of security monitors. The one guard is dozing at his chair.

"That used to be an easier fit," the shape mumbles to itself

Checking a watch, the intruder takes hold of a microphone on the control panel and soon a nasally voice is heard over the PA system. "Attention, this is your boss speaking. Please report to Conference Room A for cake, and sparkling fruit juice. We have a very special birthday to celebrate!"

The guard awakens from the sound of someone talking right in front of him, and is sent promptly sent back to sleep by a furry paw swatting him across the face. The intruder, with some difficulty, squirms back into the vent and closes it before anyone can arrive.

Meanwhile, the employees have all arrived in the conference room, eager for free food and to take a break from working. The pleasant chatter is interrupted as the double doors fly open.

"Who the hell is messing with the intercom?" Pollock looks extremely cross, and all the employees flinch. The boss has been on edge for months now, what with that strange lady following her constantly. On cue, said strange lady appears right on Pollock's heels, that orange cloak she always wears flowing behind her. Captain Androzier is bringing up the rear of the tense procession.

Pollock's irritation is a mixture of factors, including the dour shadow she's tailing her since fall. But in this case, it's at least partially because she can't figure out whose birthday she forgot. She prides herself on at least knowing that much about her staff. There's also the fact the timing of all this is very suspicious. Nothing happened on April Fool's Day, so she ought to be safe, but still. . .

A shout of "Happy Birthday!" goes up from the assembled crowd, led by the Clever Adolescent Panda as they pop up from behind the large cake. Calvin hops directly in front of his evil opposite, tossing confetti in the air, with what passes for a genuine smile on his face. Pollock immediately punches him and sends him sprawling.

All cheering immediately ceases. "What was that for?!" Calvin snaps.

"You startled me." Pollock doesn't sound the least apologetic.

"Just know that counts as your birthday gift," Calvin grumbles as he rose.

Pollock is genuinely confused by that statement. "You're celebrating my birthday?"

The cheerful panda ambles next to Calvin, who is still grumbling. "Yep! Your first appearance was April 2nd, so here we are!"

A moment passes, then Pollock narrows her eyes is suspicion. "This is a set-up for a prank."

Her two old adversaries exchanged looks before the panda replies. "No, noooo. Why would you think that?"

"Seriously," Calvin scoffs, "like I would spend money on pranking you. You're too good at pranking yourself."

Pollock thought this over. "You are extremely cheap."

A muffled "Yeah he is," emerges from the large cake. Pollock and Cass both raise eyebrows, but are unable to ask anything as the other two press on.

"Now," Calvin said, "without further ado. Pollock. . ."

"This is your life!" CAP finishes triumphantly.

Pollock's eyes widen. "So you've finally decided to murder me. In front of my wonderful employees no less!"

Cass immediately draws a large hunting knife from somewhere in her cloak. "Finally."

"I won't go without a fight!"

Calvin steps back in alarm, not wanting to get punched again, but CAP rushes closer. "No, no, no! No stabbing or murdering! We just want to remind you of some of the important moments in your life so far!"

"Like when I formed my own tech company?"

"Pfft," Calvin snorts derisively, "more like that year you were running a travel agency in Nebraska."

"That's right!" the panda said, "and it was in Nebraska that you heard a voice say. . ."

From the back of the room a voice answers, "The bake sale is to raise money for the band to get the new feather things on their tall hats."

Pollock sighs. "The hat is called a shako, Ally."

A short middle-aged woman with a round face steps through the crowd. She's smiling, if a little uncertain about all this. Pollock continues, "I'm surprised you would come all this way. I didn't leave on the best of terms with most of the town."

Ally gives Pollock an awkward hug, patting her on the back before stepping back. "Yes, well, it was a bit rude to use us all as unwitting dupes in your plan to spread a, was it a mind control virus? But I suppose you were going through some things at the time." She pauses and looks her former boss at the travel agency over from head to toe. "Are you happier now?"

"Yes. Look, I'm sorry about all that. This one," she gestures at Calvin, "brings the worst out in me."

Ally casts a disapproving glance. "He does look like a dissolute young man. Probably encouraging you to take drugs and engage in unprotected sex."

"Hey!" Calvin protested, "And wait, is she suggesting Pollock and I - ?" He and Pollock each rush for a different trash can.

"Oh dear, was there something wrong with the cake? I bet he baked it with the hemp." She said the last two words in a breathy whisper, shaking her head as she did. The panda can't help but crack up at the whole exchange. Calvin raised his face from the trash can to regard Pollock as she did the same.

"You want to have a team-up and fight our panda friend?"

Pollock was giving it serious consideration, so CAP tries to redirect the conversation, "Or what about that time I convinced you to blow up your flying castle?"

Pollock's eyes narrow again, but it gets Calvin laughing. He adds, "Or when I tricked you into blowing up your secret undersea base before you even had a chance to use it? Which at least kept the casualties down."

Reaching the limit of her patience, Pollock snaps back. "Or the time I made the panda take your wallet."

Calvin rolled his eyes. "You're bragging about stealing $17?"

"Yeah! At least brag about acting so pathetic I hit Calvin with a pie to cheer you up!"

"Don't mention that!"

The birthday girl laughs. "That was amusing. You were knocked out on the floor."

"Yeah, concussions are hilarious. You should work for the NFL."

The assembled employees are starting to get either confused or nervous. The ones who had been through all this mess before, like Dr. Lakshmi and most of Androzier's security forces, are bracing for a fight to erupt. Picking up on their unease, the clever panda tries to redirect things again.

"And during a board meeting, you heard this tune?" Pressing a button, the theme from The A-Team plays over the intercom.

Pollock's eyes grew huge again. "No! This is best conference room we have! Don't let that woman with the destructive powers loose in here!

"Shouldn't you be more concerned about all your wonderful employees?"

Pollock takes on a haughty expression as she shot back, "Everyone here is well-trained in emergency situations. In the event of vehicles or Deadpool entering the offices, everyone heads for the nearest reinforced panic room." Every employee nods at this, and one speaks up.

"The nearest one on this floor is two doors down the hall to the right."

"Correct, Jen."

"Oh. Wow."

CAP is legitimately impressed by Pollock's ongoing commitment to workplace safety, but also curious. "What happens when I show up?"

"Complete evacuation of the building." Pollock's voice and expression are flat.

Calvin is barely paying attention, busy scanning the room. "Where the hell is that Rhodez?"

"There's a lady sleeping here in the back. Is this who you're looking for?"

"She got tanked on sparkling fruit juice? Damn, her tolerance is probably lower than mine by now."

Makes-Brakes-Fail-Lass awakens at that moment. "I'm not drunk! I was just catching some Zs. This is prime time for a refreshing nap."

Several employees make comments of agreement among themselves. Early afternoon is a good time for naps. In fact, a gentle snoring is heard coming from the large cake. When we say gentle, we mean it sounds like someone is being ineffectually strangled.

One of the employees calls out, "Ms. Pollock, can we start having an afternoon nap time?"

A huge smile appears on the boss' face and in an exceedingly cheerful voice she replies, "As long as you don't expect to be paid for it!"

A collective "Awwwww" rises from the crowd.

Calvin whispers to CAP, "Maybe we should move this along."

The panda nods. "But speaking of things flying through the air before they crash and cause a lot of destruction, there was the time in the castle you tried to sic pirate penguins on me. I was in real trouble, and then we heard. . ."

CAP glances at the large cake, but nothing happens. "And then we heard. . ." Still nothing. The panda hops on to the handle of the cart and opens the top of the cake. Leaning in, a scowl appears on that round, furry face as it shouts, "Wake up!"

[Huh? What? Are we done with all seven hours of pre-game nonsense? Musical tributes to puppies with colic over? Time for kickoff?]

CAP hopped back to the ground, and Deadpool burst into view through the open top of the cake. [I said, hey sexy lady, don't hold it against me for being late. Or you can hold it against me if you want!]

The reaction was instantaneous as one employee shrieks, "Deadpool! Code Periwinkle!" The room clears instantly as all the employees, including the security staff flee for the nearest panic room. Much shouting and cursing is heard from down the hall as everyone tries to cram themselves into the same room. Pollock leans her head out of the room.

"Some of you go to one of the other panic rooms while you still have time! It isn't going to be very safe if you all suffocate in there."

The panda is scowling at the mercenary again, seated on the ground with front paws crossed over their chest. "Wade, that's not what you said the first time you met!"

[That was four creative teams, and 7 linewide reboot stunts, ago! I can barely remember if I had tacos yesterday and the day before, or the last three days in a row!]

Calvin is busy flipping through old blog transcripts, "Eh, he made that crack about not minding if she held something against pretty soon after they met. I'm more concerned that he's in his underwear. This is moving from a bad prank towards a war crime."

[Look, it was hot inside that cake. I've been in there for six hours! Calvin insisted I stay in there in case we had to spring the surprise early!]

Everyone looks back at Calvin, who shrugs. "I just didn't want to have to deal with him on the ride over."

Pollock was more distressed at the news Deadpool had been inside the cake than what he was or wasn't wearing. "Do you have any idea how many diseases my employees are going to have to be tested for?"

Calvin and CAP stare at her blankly for a moment. "That cake is just for show. So we could surprise you that we brought Wade along to visit. The one everybody was eating is over there on the table." The panda gestures at a large slab of cake with orange frosting and "Happy Birthday, Sport" on it.

"Oh thank goodness." Pollock turned to regard Deadpool, who was still standing in the opening of the cake, trying to croon "Happy Birthday" in his best impression of Marilyn Monroe's voice. It sounds about like jamming a horse nose first into a blender. "Wade, it's good to see you."

The merc stops singing immediately. [Really?]

"Yes, your presence was missed at this year's holiday blog get-together. It was much too subdued and none of Calvin's furniture was broken. How are you?"

[Ah, you know. The usual shit. Trying to find fulfillment through killing people and crazy hijinks. I think there's a guy stealing my bones in my book right now?]

"Shouldn't you just regenerate them?"

He shrugs. [Probably. My healing factor might be on the blink.]

Cass stepped forward, "I'm tired of looking at him."

Pollock raises an arm to bar her path. "I'd tell you to get lost then, but we both know that's a waste of time, so just wait." Pollock approaches the cake. "Wade, lean down."

"Oh great, here we go. You're gonna punch me in the jaw, or drag me out of the cake and curbs-"

He's cut short as Pollock gives him a gentle hug. A look of uncertainty crosses the mercenary's face, while CAP's jaw drops. Calvin raises one eye and mutters, "Did we actually get Pollock a nice birthday gift?"

Then she breaks the hug and steps back, turning to the Lady in Orange. "OK, now."

Cass steps forward again and raises one leg before her, preparing to boot the cake out the window. But when her foot connects, it simply sinks in halfway up her calf. She tries to remove her leg, but can't.

Pollock turns to CAP and Calvin. "The cake is actually made of glue?"

"Just the two lowest layers."

[Yeah, this part up here is gingerbread!] Deadpool has put his costume back on by this point, except the mask, and is still standing in the opening at the peak, now leaning against the rim. He casually breaks a piece off and bites into it.

"Uh, Wade?" CAP began, "That's plasterboard, not gingerbread."

[Ah, the gritty texture confused me. Or maybe my taste buds were stolen.]

"Here, have some of the actual cake." Calvin hands a large piece up. "Sorry about leaving you in there so long."

[It's still better than sleeping in a dumpster or the charred remains of a crack house. And it's nice to be back on the block!] He casts an eye towards Pollock. [Especially now that I know the depth of your feelings for me.]

"It was a hug, Deadpool. Don't start getting the wrong ideas, or I'll send you and that cake out the window myself."

[Since when have I been able to distinguish a wrong idea?]

Clever Adolescent Panda's eyes widened in alarm. "Wait! Cassanee's still attached to it!"

"Yes, I know. Was that supposed to discourage me?"

Calvin had moved back to the edible cake, and leaned on the table as he chimed in. "If she and Wade and the cake land on anyone, it could get you in trouble."

"You'd think people around here would be used to it by now," remarked Makes-Brakes-Fail-Lass.

Pollock considered this silently for a moment, then said, "Fine, nobody goes out the window for now. Unless you try something Deadpool. We've upgraded the Wave Motion Beam, you know."

Deadpool nods, and nimbly hops out of the cake into the panda's arms. Then farts. [Sneak attack!] He's thrown across the room headfirst into the wall by the disgusted panda. [Hashtag, scorpion on the frog's back.] emerges weakly from the wall.

"My goodness, do all your business ventures involve so much destruction?" Ally seemed quite appalled by all this. Very unprofessional. "People are just supposed to have funny posters on their cubicle walls, and wear jeans on Fridays! Not have wild animals and hooligans running about!"

Pollock regarded the scene wearily, before responding. "The world of mad science is a bit different from travel agencies." She turned to Calvin. "It was a reasonably restrained visit, so thank you for that." Calvin inclined his head in silent acknowledgement, as she turned to the panda. "Wretched furball, I have some new data related to the information you sent me on the chemicals in those Amilgars' fur. I'll send it to you in a few days." She turned to leave the room. "And it was nice to see you again, Wade. Try to convince Calvin to buy something you're appearing in later this year. We could probably use your help."

Deadpool gave an awkward thumbs up with most of his body still stuck in the wall. Clever Adolescent Panda called after her. "You're just leaving?"

Pollock responded without looking back. "Of course. The sullen girl is stuck in the cake. I can have some peace for the first time in months. I'm not sticking around here the rest of the day!"

Calvin turned to the panda. "Did Pollock win that one?"

They both turned to look at Cass, who was glaring at them pointedly while continuing to balance on one foot.

"Yeah, probably," Clever Adolescent Panda admitted.