Deadpool and Rhodez wound their way through the cubicle rows. Wade hummed to himself as he picked through the abandoned work spaces. Rhodez hefted her rifle nervously, attention divided between the unpredictable mercenary and their surroundings. With sunlight filtered through dirty and broken windows, the whole floor had a gloomy feel. The cubicle partitions almost reached the ceiling, so where they still stood, the ambient light was low, conditions similar to dusk. Just bright enough their lights didn't help much.
Eyeing her flashlight, Rhodez asked. "Wade, uh Deadpool, you have any nightvision goggles?"
"Nah. You wouldn't want those, anyway. You turn a corner into a bright light and end up blind. Or maybe that was just Weasel after I pointed that floodlight at him. You'd think his eyes would be more resistant, staring at computer screens all day, with their comforting, irradiating glow."
Deadpool chattered on, unconcerned. Rhodez tuned him out, wondering how he talked for three minutes without pausing to breathe.
"Hey, check this out!" She was pulled from her thoughts at his excitement. He'd moved several cubes down without her noticing. She found him hunched over a desk. "Look, this person made a whole petting zoo out of paper clips! This one's gotta be an elephant!"
Wade tried imitating an elephant's call, to little success, sounding more like a fart. Actually, since this is Deadpool, he might have been.
"Oh yeah," Rhodez replied uncertainly, "that's kinda cool. They must have been bored as hell."
Deadpool breezed past her, paper clips animal having lost his interest. "Tell me about it! Normally when I come on these adventures with you guys there's a lot more explosions and a lot less mood-setting."
"Really? I only got to go on the one where we tried to shoot a pie at Pollock out of a bazooka. That was pretty exciting, but I didn't know if that was normal."
The mercenary put his finger to his chin in an imitation of a person capable of thought. "Hmmmm, I'd say that was on the low end, really. No robots or chainsaws, no extended kung-fu battles. Don't they tell you about their adventures?"
Rhodez thought it over as they turned a corner on another row of cubicles. "Calvin does sometimes, but he always underplays things. It's like pullin' teeth. Everything is "OK", or "a little rough."
"Huh," Deadpool grunted, "he sure bitches a lot more when we're in the middle of them."
"Ha, I can believe that." Rhodez snapped her head around as she caught a glimpse of something moving behind her. It scurried out of a cubicle and around the corner to another row. "Did you see that?"
Deadpool walked past, drawing a katana with one hand and a pistol with another. "No. You're imagining things."
As he said this, he rounded the corner, gun leveled at. . . nothing. The merc motioned for Rhodez to follow him as he moved slowly down the row. "7th Rule: If you think you saw something, you probably did. A little yellow bird taught me that. Unless you're drunk. or fighting a telepath. Or have an unstable brain prone to hallucinations."
He stopped and studied her intently. "You aren't experiencing any of those, right?"
"I don't think so, but how would I know if there's a telepath messing with me?"
"It tingles like a bad rash or the clap, but inside your brain."
Rhodez made a disgusted face. "I'm not feeling that."
"That's what my doctor at the massage parlor said!"
"Let's just keep looking."
They reached a four-way intersection. There was no sign of anyone or anything moving. The only sound the distant rush of cars passing by on the road, until a hollow metallic thud at the end of one row. An empty coffee can rolled slowly into view. Deadpool turned to Rhodez and made a series of hand gestures. By the time he was mimicking a bird flapping its wings while he twirled in place, she was completely lost.
Recognizing this, he put a finger to his lips in a "shh" motion, then tiptoed down the hall, holstering his gun as he did. Once in 10 feet of where the can came from, he crouched, then sprang into the air, doing a neat flip and drawing his other katana. He landed on the desk, blades ready, Rhodez moving up behind him.
Office supplies and random tchotchkes left behind. A magnet proclaiming "Stick to it!" on a file cabinet, holding up nothing. But there was a gap in the base of the rear partition, allowing access to the next row. They both heard a scrabbling sound, like a large rodent. Rhodez turned and went the way she came, hoping to loop around and cut it off. Deadpool simply vaulted the partition, but miscalculated the location of the desk and landed awkwardly. Fortunately it was more embarrassing than painful.
He stepped out of the cubicle, spying a small person moving swiftly. Their most notable feature, other than their small stature, was a tall, pointed red cap.
"What's your hurry, Pippin? If you're hunting for second breakfast, I got a nice pineapple for you. That's not a reference to my junk, it's a euphemism for a grenade."
The figure stopped as Rhodez rounded the corner ahead of it and sighed. "I'm not a hobbit, you jibbering idiot."
"I think he's a gnome, Wade."
The gnome grinned at her with unpleasantly sharp teeth. "I am indeed."
"So are you Gerber's Elf with a Gun? Do elves Pokevole into gnomes? Doesn't matter, my sword has +3 poison because I haven't cleaned it in weeks!" Deadpool lunged, bringing the blade in an overhand swing towards the gnome. The gnome casually caught Deadpool's wrist with one hand, and flung him over his head.
The Merc with a Mouth smashed into the ceiling before falling facefirst to the floor. The gnome pulled a syringe from its pocket and jabbed it into Deadpool's spine.
"I hope that was a clean needle," he said as he started to climb to his feet.
The gnome gave another toothy grin. "Sure, except for the acid in it."
Deadpool crashed back to the floor, legs refusing to respond. The gnome tossed the syringe aside and drew another, leering at Rhodez. "Guess what time it is?"
"10:17?"
"Huh?"
"It's 10:17 in the morning. I'm right, right?"
The gnome checked his wristwatch. "Yeah, yeah it is." When he looked up, she was sighting down the barrel of her rifle.
"Knew it."
The gnome kicked Deadpool's limp body into the air as she fired, the bullet joining several others inside the mercenary. Rhodez winced, but Deadpool barely grunted. The gnome grinned, until he noticed something spinning on the ground. A grenade with Deadpool's emblem on it. He turned to escape as it exploded.
No comments:
Post a Comment