An Unusual Year to Give Thanks

Narrator: AT CALVIN"S APARTMENT, MEAL PREPARATIONS ARE UNDERWAY!

Clever Adolescent Panda: Agh. You almost made me drop the cobbler!

Calvin: What did I tell you last year? This is a pleasant family gathering, take it down several notches.

Narrator: *subdued* Sorry.

CAP: Yeesh.

Calvin: I know, right? *pause* Should I be calling this "Thanksblogging" instead "Blogsgiving"?

CAP: We do give thanks, through the blog. But we are also giving this blog post to people. But on the other hand - *a knock at the door interrupts*

Deadpool: [Oh thank God. That was going to be an incredibly boring conversation.] *Deadpool is standing in the hallway leading back to the bedrooms, wearing his crown.*

Calvin: Gah!

CAP: Wade! *rushes over and commits a full flying tackle, burying Wade under a lot of panda hugs.*

Deadpool: [Good. . .to see. . . you too. My ribs. . . about to. . . collapse. Can barely. . .  keep talking. . . this. . . way.]

CAP: Sorry. *climbs off Deadpool* When did you get here?

Deadpool: [Ten minutes ago.]

Calvin: *suspicious, ignores repeated knocking at the door* And how did you get in?

Deadpool: *unconcerned* [Through the window.]

Calvin: Damnit Deadpool, go fix the window you broke. You were invited, you could just walk up and knock on the door.

Deadpool: [Like whoever has been knocking for the last three minutes?]

Calvin: Crap! *rushes to the door, finds Pollock and Cassanee waiting.* Sorry.

Pollock: *turning to Cassanee* I told you this was the right apartment. He was just being rude. *enters apartment* This is smaller than your old place.

Calvin: *ignoring the jab at his apartment* No, I was distracted. Wade decided to arrive unconventionally.

Cassanee: You're surprised?

Calvin: A little. He usually enters the apartment like a normal person for the holidays. Set the food on the counter there.

Deadpool: *dashing back into the room* [Yes, but in my new ongoing, I'm lonely and depressed! So I have to do things that aren't smart to distract myself from that fact!]

CAP: No, you just need to spend more time with us. Then you won't be lonely. *Hugs Deadpool*

Pollock: Yes, though I doubt it will do much for his depression.

Deadpool: [And we can all do things that aren't smart together!]

Rhodez: Knock-knock. Did someone forget to close the door?

Calvin: I saw you pull up through the sliding glass door, so I figured why bother?

Rhodez: Cool, cool. *looks over the apartment* This is a nice place.

Calvin: The neighbors downstairs are away, so it's not nearly as noisy as it is when their littlest kid is crashing around like a herd of elephants.

Deadpool: [I can stick around until they get back, then fire through the floor a few times.]

Calvin: Uh, pass. That'll just make them make more noise.

Deadpool: [Not if I aim carefully!]

Calvin: Definite pass.

CAP: Um, anyway, Calvin fried some fish and made hushpuppies, and I baked a cobbler.

Deadpool: [Then our favorite panda dropped it when the narrator startled them. But I'll still eat it. Because I know it was made. . .  with love.] *sniffs dramatically*

CAP: I didn't drop it! Wade, stop lying!

Deadpool: *strokes the top of CAP's head gently* [Don't feel so bad, my adorable chum. We all make mistakes.]

Rhodez: You didn't use that machine those elves had in that tree did you? Did you destroy some of Calvin's comics for that?

Calvin: *distressed* Better not have!

Deadpool: [I don't know, it looks like all your GrimJacks are missing.]


CAP: I wouldn't damage Calvin's comics! GRRR, Wade. . . *pounces on Deadpool. The other four stand around awkwardly for a moment as fighting commences and the two roll down the hall into a bedroom.*

Cassanee: I brought chicken & dumplings.

Pollock: *very smug* I brought an excellent stir fry, which yes, I made myself.

Calvin: Well, at least someone brought vegetables.

CAP: *voice partially muffled from biting Deadpool's hand* I brought some too!

Calvin: *snaps* You brought beets! Those barely qualify as a food in my book, and you damn well know it!

Rhodez: Dang man, what did the beets do to you?

Calvin: Nothing. . . yet. And as long as I keep my guard up, they'll never get the chance.

Rhodez: Oooooooo-kay. I brought pancakes again. With the good maple syrup, because I know Calvin buys the cheap kind.

Calvin: Joke's on you, I don't have any maple syrup at all!

Cassanee: Not much of a joke.

Pollock: Agreed.

Calvin: I know, but self-deprecation's my only defense, other than feigned indifference.

Deadpool: *drags himself back into the living room* [Don't we hold off on awkward confessions until people are drunk? That's how my family always did things!]

CAP: *walks out of the bedroom calmly, hoists Wade up by one arm, and dumps his upper body over the table* What'd you bring, Wade?

Deadpool: [Per Calvin's request, taquitos! Wait, spellcheck doesn't recognize "taquito"? Weird. Per my apprentice's request, boxed wine!]

Rhodez: *grumpy* I asked for one six pack of good beer.

Deadpool: [But this way, the box is also your cup. You don't have to remove a bottle, or get a glass! Watch!] *drains half the wine in one go*

CAP: Maybe let's just start eating.

*Later*

CAP: So, what's everybody thankful for? *sprawls out on the floor*

Pollock: Must we engage in this ridiculous ritual? Almost none of us take it seriously!

Deadpool: [I'll start! I'm thankful there's a big warm pillow shaped like a panda here for me to nap on!] *lays down with his head resting on CAP's stomach*

CAP: Get off! I'm too full to play with you!

Deadpool: [But you're so warm and comfy!] *rolls over and wraps his arms around the panda* [Just like one of those anime girl pillows.]

CAP: I'll punch you.

Deadpool: [Mmm, toasty.]

BONK! *Deadpool flies across the room, crashes against the oven*

Calvin: Don't break the oven, I cook with that occasionally!

*Everyone looks at him skeptically including Deadpool, who is upside down up against the oven in question.*

Calvin: Mostly I use it to bake frozen pizzas, but that's still critical!

Pollock: Moving on.

Rhodez: *sprawled on the couch* I'm thankful I'm getting my powers under control!

Deadpool: *bounds in, wraps arm around her shoulders* [That's right! You're ready to take a real step up in the "committing violence for money" world! You just need a better code name! The Wheel! No, the Grease! The Slippery Slope!]

Rhodez: I'm not doing that! Yet. Definitely not with any of those names! I just couldn't keep risking wrecking my truck!

Pollock: I'm thankful none of you wrecked my company this year. Also, Stefan's become significantly less nihilistic since we introduced him to more positive regions of the Internet. I'd be more thankful if someone would go back to her shanty in the woods. *glares at Cassanee, who is sitting in the corner of the room, looking pretty relaxed*

Cassanee: Haven't proved your innocence yet.

Pollock: Oh come on. That bizarre man in the green clock suit tried to kill me!

Cassanee: You were with Clever Adolescent Panda. Lowest chance of death.

Deadpool: [Ahem. Very well-compensated mercenary who is extremely good at fighting, standing right here.]

Cassanee: Stand by what I said. My friends told me our town is almost rebuilt, and a lot of people decided to stay. I'm happy for that. It's fun to annoy her. *points at Pollock*

Calvin: Wade, were you actually finished before your flight?

Pollock: Oh lord. *buries her face in her hands*

Deadpool: [Moi, Talk about myself? I'm usually such a shy and retiring flower, but since you insist. . .]

Cassanee: Get on with it.

Deadpool: [I'm thankful you guys let me come here and have dinner with you, even if none of you will let me hug you, since my current status quo is that I'm alone and friendless again.]

CAP: I thought you were King of Monster Island?

Pollock: They made Deadpool a king?! *eyes take on a thousand yard stare*

Deadpool: [I made myself king. By killing the previous king with 40 grenades. Didn't any of you see my crown?] *points at the gold crown that's been sitting on his head the entire time*

Rhodez: I figured you stole that from a costume shop.

Calvin: I saw it, but I already knew you were king, so it didn't seem worth mentioning.

Deadpool: [Anyway, all my subjects are pretty lame, unless you enjoy having Frosty the Snowman barf on you as a present. Which, I know people who'd pay good money for that action, but it's not one of my kinks.]

Calvin: *to CAP* Mark that down, we finally found something Deadpool isn't aroused by.

CAP: Too full, write it yourself. Groan.

Deadpool: [But you guys are fun, and the food's good, and you'll let me crash on your couch tonight?] *looks at Calvin hopefully*

Calvin: *aggrieved sigh* Yeah, OK. I better not find any weird stains tomorrow, though.

Deadpool: [No promises!] *throws himself on the portion of the couch Rhodez isn't using*

CAP: My turn? I'm thankful none of us got hurt during our trip to that weird lab. And I helped 27 restless spirits find peace this year!

Rhodez: Dang, man. Just leaves you, Calvin.

Calvin: Um, I'm not thankful for the tornado that wrecked my apartment, or the little bastards that stole my N64 out of it. I am thankful the tornado didn't destroy all my stuff, and that stupid deer didn't damage my car worse than it did. And I found a new place relatively quickly. And I didn't get killed at that lab by the emaciated guy with the electricity powers.

Rhodez: Man, can't you be more positive with your thanks?

CAP: They're always so backhanded! *imitating Calvin's voice* "At least this terrible thing didn't happen."

Pollock: Ha!

Calvin: So unaccepting. The blog's still going, always a plus. I figured out how to add alt-text to images finally. Pretty happy about that, even if the jokes are a work in progress. Doing some writing I'm liking! Did a road trip to Cali and back, that was cool!

Rhodez: I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not.

Cassanee: Assume sarcasm.

CAP: Well, the important thing was you tried to participate.

Calvin: Ha-ha.