Blogsgiving Under A Bubble

Narrator: AT CALVIN'S APARTMENT, QUARANTINE IS BEING VIOLATED!

Calvin: *setting the table* Huh? What quarantine? Are you sick?

Clever Adolescent Panda: *pulling food from the oven* No. We developed a vaccine two months ago. It only works on pandas and canines so far, though.

Calvin: Did you take it?

CAP: Of course I did!

Deadpool: *sprawled on the couch* [I read a research article that says vaccines make pandas go bald.]

CAP: I'm not sure what's the least credible part of that statement:

Calvin: The part about Wade reading a research article.

Deadpool: [Advances in science mean new ways to kill people!]

Pollock: He's right, you know. Murder is the primary driver of most scientific research.

Deadpool: *nodding sagely* [It's why Tony Stark was a weapons dealer.]

Calvin: I thought that was because he was an amoral asshole.

Deadpool: [Only at first! They say when he got that shrapnel in his chest, his heart grew three sizes that day!]

Pollock: Sounds like a combination of infection and scarring.

CAP: Are you going to wear that the entire meal? You look like a member of AIM.

*Pollock is once again wearing a bulky yellow hazmat suit.*

Pollock: Of course! I'm not risking infection from you cretins.

CAP: But I'm vaccinated.

Deadpool: [My healing factor's taking care of it.]

Calvin: I'm antisocial.

Cassanee: Ditto.

Pollock: I offered you a suit of your own.

Cassanee: *shrugs* Haven't been around anyone other than you for weeks. Should be fine.

Calvin: So how are we violating quarantine?

Narrator: SORRY. I HAD TO TAKE A SECOND JOB DOING PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR TOTALITARIAN REGIMES.

CAP: Oh.

Pollock: Look, I just don't want any of you puncturing my suit to be mean.

Cassanee: OK.

CAP: Yeah, we aren't jerks!

Calvin: We didn't even cut you out of your suit last time until you were about to suffocate!

Pollock: True, but then you shot me with a bazooka pie and launched me over the deck.

CAP: Good thing you had all those safety measures in there.

Calvin: Where did you land, anyway?

Pollock: *flatly* Indiana.

Deadpool: [Horrifying.]

CAP: Food's on!

Calvin: Let's see, Wade brought taquitos and beer, I made hash, Cass brought some rolls and stuffing, the panda is deliberately pissing me off bringing steamed cauliflower -

CAP: I didn't bring beets, though!

Calvin: I would have thrown you over the balcony if you had.

CAP: You wouldn't do that.

Calvin: Of course not. I'd herniate myself.

Pollock: It would be amusing to see you try, though.

Calvin: Be amusing to see you try and eat inside that get-up.

Pollock: I'm prepared for that. 

*A panel opens in the chest of the suit, revealing a compartment. Pollock places the plate inside, and closes the cover.*

CAP: But it was exposed to outside air.

Pollock: The food is bathed in intense UV light before the back panel opens and - unf - I can simply - curses, my hands are stuck in gloves - simply bring the plate the rest of the way - damn it!

*The plate tips and spills food over the interior of her suit.*

CAP: *insincerely* Oh, that's a shame.

Cass: Wasted two rolls and three taquitos.

Deadpool: [They aren't wasted, it's a clean environment in there!]

Calvin: She's sweating like Ace Ventura when he was inside the mechanical rhinoceros.

CAP: Ew.

Pollock: *sighs* Hold on. *Shuffles awkwardly into the bathroom. Re-emerges minus the beekeeper suit.* I'll just have to keep self-quarantining once I get home.

Pollock: So where is the girl with the strange powers?

Calvin: Don't know. Rhodez hasn't contacted me in months. Last time I did talk to her, she seemed bummed out. You heard anything from your apprentice, Wade?

Deadpool: *slurping pasta* [Nope! Not a peep! She must be busy successfully applying my lessons as a hitman!]

Calvin: You think she would at least call me to brag, if that was the case. Or at least offer me a discount rate to kill some people. I got a long list.

CAP: I should go visit. Maybe I can cheer her up.

Deadpool: [I'll go, too! It'll be a chance to test her progress, just like a proper teacher should. With grenades, and tripwires.]

CAP: That doesn't sound very cheerful.

Deadpool: [It will be. For me.]

Calvin: Hey Pollock, how's business in the pandemic? You aren't peddling fake vaccines are you?

Pollock: Certainly not! I'm no charlatan!

Cass: Vitamins disguised as food.

CAP: Huh?

Pollock: Faux-Food. It gives you all the vitamins and minerals you need, but there's no excess protein or matter, 

Cass: Or taste.

Pollock: -or matter, so you don't release waste. You're immune to toilet paper shortages.

Calvin: That's less cruel and exploitative than I expected.

CAP: Yeah, kind of weak.

Pollock: It's not supposed to be either of those things! I have scruples!

Deadpool: [Pass 'em this way, I love those, especially with barbecue sauce.]

Pollock: *hesitantly* Right. Perhaps we could move on to giving thanks?

Deadpool: [Being a king sucks, Elsa betrayed me before I ever had the chance to actually love her, and the X-Men are hoarding their cancer cure, so I am thankful for. . . Jeff. Such a good little shark. And all of you.] *hugs each of them for much too long*

Calvin: Shouldn't you have returned Jeff to Gwen during your visit to Krakoa?

Deadpool: [Pfft, like Hickman paid any attention to that last mini-series.]

CAP: He's got ya there. I'm thankful that all my friends are safe and happy - 

Pollock: I'm not happy.

Deadpool: [Me neither.]

Cass: I am.

Calvin: I'm not miserable, which is to say I'm in my default state.

CAP: *louder* - safe and that one of them is happy, that I got to shoot Pollock with the pie bazooka, and that I got to punch a necromancer in the face!

Calvin: What was the necromancer doing?

Deadpool: [Was he trying to fix America by resurrecting the presidents, only to learn they're all super-racist?]

CAP: No, she was trying to resurrect dinosaurs for her own theme park. But they'd been dead so long, they were just animated skeletons.

Deadpool: [You deprived us of skeleton dinosaurs? You monster!] *leaps at the panda, is promptly picked up and tossed across the room*

CAP: The skeletons decayed after a couple of minutes. She was just making life worse for paleontologists.

Cass: The raccoons are being friendly with my town. They're good at electrical work. No sign of Amilgars. My friends are all being careful.

Pollock: None of you destroyed any of my projects. I only had to fire three employees for stupidly going out in social situations without taking precautions.

CAP: They posted pictures on social media?

Pollock: I spy on them with little drones. Also, I encourage them to snitch on each other.

Calvin: Now when you say fire - ?

Pollock: They don't work for me any longer. I gave them tough, but honest references. I can't have them infecting the rest of my staff.

Deadpool: [Tough, but fair. You interested in ruling Monster Island?]

Pollock: I prefer to manipulate from behind the scenes.

CAP: Since when? You're always front and center with the threats and the weapons.

Pollock: That's for dealing with you simpletons. Some opponents require a deft touch.

Deadpool: [I appreciate a deft touch.]

Pollock: Ignoring that. Dolt?

*silence*

CAP: Calvin?

Calvin: Hmm?

Cass: She meant you.

Calvin: Why would I answer to "dolt"?

Pollock: Fine. Ignoramus?

Calvin: That's better. Well, Wade's is going to be hard to beat from a negativity standpoint. Working from home has been better than I expected. I've done a lot of writing. The hailstorm only damaged my windshield.

CAP: Don't give thanks for that!

Calvin: Why not? The hailstorm was beyond my control, so I might as well be glad it didn't do more than it did. Where was I? Nobody I care about got sick. I'm still employed, able to help out friends in need. Some of the pieces I did for Sketchtober turned out well.

CAP: That was. . . surprisingly heartfelt.

Pollock: Certainly a step up from your usual effort.

CAP: Are you dying? Is that why you're kinder and more reflective?

Calvin: Kinder and more reflective? I threatened to throw you over the balcony.

CAP: Only if I'd brought beets. I grade on a curve for you.