Delayed for Maximum Effect

*Morning in the hallways of Creative Industrial Approaches*

Random Employee: Good morning, Ms. Pollock.

Pollock: *hums distractedly*

Wage Schlub: Good morning, Ms. Pollock.

Pollock: Mm-hmm, yes.

Captain Androzier: Is something the matter, Ma'am?

Pollock: *mumbling to herself* Was it my turn? No, I visited last year. . .

*Pollock reaches the doors to her office. She shoves them open, but steps back quickly. Nothing happens.*

Androzier: Commandant?

Pollock: What? You know I don't use that title any longer.

Androzier: I had to do something to get your attention. What's wrong?

Pollock: *takes a cautious step into her office, looks around carefully.* What day was yesterday?

Androzier: April 1st. . . Oh. The panda.

Pollock: *nods* And the dolt.

Androzier: But nothing happened.

Pollock: *still standing in the entrance of her office* Exactly. They're never late. Punctuality is the dolt's lone redeeming character trait. But I'm certain I visited them last year. It revealed some flaws in my quarantine suit.

Androzier: Perhaps they forgot. Or they aren't coming to visit this year. That would be good. They cause a lot of damage.

Pollock: You may be right. They may have finally grown up and stopped this foolishness. *deep sigh* I may as well get some work done. I'll talk to you later, Captain.

*Androzier nods and closes the door on the way out. Pollock finally approaches her desk, and after thoroughly checking the chair, the drawers, both the potted plants in the corners, and the Jackson Pollock original hanging on the wall, settles into her seat. 

Time passes. Pollock has a research proposal from the Exotic Energy Department open in front of her, but instead taps the desk listlessly with a pen.*

Pollock: *mutters* Just forgot, huh? I'm not even worth your time any more unless you need something from me?

Sudden Voice: Aww, I'd never forget about you. You're like a torn hamstring that just won't heal.

*Pollock snaps her head up to see Calvin leaning against the opposite wall. She leaps to her feet.*

Pollock: *excitedly* Calvin! I mean, Imbecile. I mean, how did you get in here?

Calvin: *shrugs* I just walked in. Nobody seemed to notice me. Maybe they thought you needed cheering up.

Pollock: *scoffs* Cheering up? Whatever for? And from you?

Calvin: You looked pretty bored with that paperwork. Who better to raise your mood than the source of so much mayhem for you over the years?

Pollock: Anyone would be better suited to raise someone's mood than you, and the panda is the one who causes most of the mayhem. *pauses, looks around* Where is the accursed furball?

Calvin: Couldn't make it. Clever Adolescent Panda said they were too mature for prank war. Besides, this was always meant to be between the two of us.

Pollock: The panda thinks they're more mature than I am? Ridiculous. Wait, you think you can survive against me alone?

Calvin: Survive? C'mon, you're not back in "angry murder mode", are you? And why is no one wearing masks in this building?

Pollock: I had all my employees vaccinated months ago. Are you still not vaccinated?

Calvin: Half-vaccinated, thank you. My state is only mostly incompetently run. Just like kids in schools, according to elected officials tired of being yelled at by people who don't want to deal with their children, I can stand within three feet of people without worries. Your business wouldn't strike me as an essential service.

Pollock: I hijacked a shipment of vaccines meant for elderly people in rural areas.

Calvin: Ah. Sold the excess at exorbitant prices?

Pollock: Naturally. I thought you'd be more offended.

Calvin: Not like they were gonna take the vaccines anyway, if the people living in the countrysides I know are any indication.

Pollock: *poorly concealed excitement* So, when does your prank attempt begin?

Calvin: Oh, I don't have one. After the pie gag finally went off successfully last year, I'm out of ideas. I just wanted to come visit.

Pollock: *shoulders slumped in disappointment* I should have guessed. Well, that's good, of course! A wise decision on your part, sparing yourself the humiliation of having your prank backfire!

Calvin: Yeah, you're probably right. *the intercom system squawks* Is it time for mid-morning reminder to work hard for the glorious advancement of the your blinding cultural vision?

Pollock: *bewildered* My blinding - what does that even mean? I'm not Chairman Mao! And no, I don't know what this is. . . *eyes drop from the intercom back to Calvin* What did you do?

Calvin: *wide-eyed innocent expression* Me? I didn't do a thing.

Clever Adolescent Panda: *over the intercom* Testing, testing. Is this thing on? Someone wave at the security monitors if you can see me.

Calvin: *waves blindly* Our furry friend, on the other hand, may have realized life is too short to worry about nonsense like "being mature."

Pollock: I have got to improve the security of the security guard stations.

Calvin: Do you know how much skill it takes to improve the security of the security stations?

Pollock: Yes, actually, I've had several efficiency studies run on it, given the repeated break-ins by pandas, mercenaries, strange hillbilly women, and idiots. The figures always seem to be low, though.

CAP: Good morning, everyone! It's Friday, and that means the weekend is almost here. Which means it's time to release all the frustration of another long week at work.

Random Lab Technician: But we like our jobs!

Custodian: Yeah! My frustration is at an all-time low! My husband says I'm much more pleasant to be around when I get home now!

CAP: Oh. Well, that's very healthy. Also, it's kind of weird I can hear all of you. *speaks to someone in the room, probably the incapacitated guard* The intercom is a two-way system? That's neat.

Pollock: I'm not sure what you were planning to accomplish, but you didn't count on my being an excellent boss. You'll soon have another piece for your Yellow Brick Road of Failure.

Calvin: Yellow Brick Road of - ? Now who's talking nonsense? *to the intercom* Just play the damn music!

Pollock: Music?

CAP: Don't yell at me, Calvin! Ahem, while I'm pleased you all like your work so much, you still need some calisthenics, so we're going to have a short music break to encourage you to get up and move around.

Pollock: How is music a prank? You plan to embarrass me with lowered productivity for one day? The Final Four and Easter are this weekend, everyone is already relaxing.

*harsh guitar riff*

Calvin: I guess all your employees fleeing in horror would lower productivity.

Over the intercom: It's just one of those days, when you don't wanna wake up -

*simultaneous screams of horror from every corner of the building*

Calvin: *frowns* That's a bit extreme. "Break Stuff" isn't that bad of a song.

Pollock: That isn't it. Or at least, that isn't the only reason. That song triggers the security response in all our genetically engineered plants!

Calvin: Say what now?

*Both Pollock's potted plants begin to shudder and grow. The large flower bulbs that were closed earlier open, exposing smiles with razor sharp teeth. One of them lunges at Calvin, the other at Pollock.*

CAP: *screams over the intercom* Why is a plant trying to eat me?

Calvin: *scrambling backwards frantically* You made the Piranha Plants from Super Mario Bros.?!

Pollock: *leaps onto her desk* They're really more based on the one from Little Shop of Horrors.

Calvin: I've never seen that movie.

Pollock: I figured as much.

Calvin: You couldn't teach them to differentiate between friend and foe?

Pollock: *slashes at the plant attacking her with a sword hidden in her desk* The response is autonomic, so no. If we gave it that sort of intelligence, it could choose not to do what it's supposed to, when it's supposed to do it. Plus, I've had enough problems with creating life that's self-aware, thank you.

Calvin: *dives out of the way of the snapping jaws* Seems like a design flaw if you were planning to market these!

Pollock: *annoyed* Do you know how impressive it is to create a plant that can spontaneously produce a head with teeth made of sharpened, reinforced silica in response to a particular sound? And the bulb produces different structures in response to different auditory stimuli!

Calvin: OK, so what's makes them stop eating people? 'Cause they're still on the attack, and we're on a different song!

Pollock: I can't imagine your music selection would have it, but something mellow and gentle would work.

Calvin: *shouting* Play "Blue in Green"! *sound of struggling over the intercom* CAP, are you there?

CAP: Hang on! *harsh grunt and some ripping sounds* I had to bite through the stem.

*Soon, the building is filled with a soothing jazz melody. The plants cease chasing after the poor employees. The jaws close and the head shifts and morphs, before splitting open again. Now it's an unusual flower, the petals speckled with dots that glow a brilliant purple or pink. Like neon signs in the rain.*

Calvin: Wow, no wonder all detectives like jazz music. It's the perfect cure for both plant attacks and provides mood lighting.

Pollock: You complete jack - *sighs* never mind. Can I have a status report? Is anyone injured?

Different Random Employee: I twisted my ankle running down stairs.

Lab Techs: We may have busted open a pipe with liquid nitrogen in one of the labs.

Security Guard: I set one of the break rooms on fire. It spread to the 14th floor bathrooms. *Captain Androzier can be heard crying in dismay somewhere*

Calvin: *dusts hands off* Another successful prank!

Pollock: Prank? This is industrial espionage!

Calvin: Really? Seems pretty tame by our standards. Building is still standing.

Pollock: Which is more than you'll be able to manage in another moment. *advances with her sword*

Calvin: *backing up towards the door* Hey now, murder is such an ugly thing to let get into the papers.

Pollock: It's a Friday, the story would get ignored anyway. And I imagine my employees are willing to remain silent.

Calvin: Hmm, yeah, probably. Good jobs are hard to come by these days. But look, your plants are doing some other than providing groovy lighting!

*The plants have begun to emit some sort of purple-gray dust from the flower head. A could of it drifts right in front of Pollock.*

Pollock: That is a rather interesting. . . scent. What was I so angry about anyway?

Calvin: *protected by his mask* Ummm, nothing! Actually, you were just showing me your cool sword. You're absolutely right, Pollock, it is a very cool sword!

Pollock: *gleeful smile* It is, isn't it? I use to think about how much fun it would be to cut your head off with it.

Calvin: Uhh. . . 

Pollock: But then I found out how much work it is to clean after I cut off the Predator Drone's head. So I'm not gonna do that.

Calvin: I'm very glad to hear that. It looks like you've got things to do - 

Pollock: *slides to the floor, leans back against the wall* Not really. I'm kinda low on inspiration for wild ideas right now.

Calvin: Well I bet you're feeling super-creative right now, so I'll just be getting out of your hair. *calls to the intercom* CAP, you read to go?

CAP: Me and Tim - the guard's name is Tim, he's real cool - we're going eat some Oreos he had with him. They're the pumpkin ones! From Halloween!

Calvin: OK, sure. You have fun with that. *dashes out the door past a lot of other, very relaxed looking people*

CAP: You bet. Tim? I just realized, you guys don't have any cameras in the bathrooms. I mean, it's good for people's privacy, but it's a real gap in your security. I could cause so much trouble in there. . .