*At Calvin's apartment, Blogsgiving preparations are interrupted by a knock at the door.*
Calvin: Yo, entree vous. That means, "no entrance without food."
Rhodez: I got garlic mashed potatoes, pancakes - with the good maple syrup - and quality beer.
Calvin: That'll work.
Clever Adolescent Panda: That's not what entre vous means. Or how you spell it.
Calvin: Fine. *to Rhodez* You can still come inside, but you can't have the food back.
Rhodez: As long as I get to eat some of it, man. *takes a seat on the couch* Am I the first one here?
Calvin: Other than Panda King back there. Kind of surprising. How'd you get here so fast?
Rhodez: I dunno. The drive didn't seem any shorter, but it went by real fast.
*Another knock at the door. This time Cass is waiting.*
Cass: Venison burgers and sweet potatoes.
Calvin: Be still my starches and fats loving heart!
Pollock: If you eat all of that it just might. Dolt. Rhodez. Panda. Cassanee, lovely to see you haven't died of dysentery. Pleasant greetings to all of you.
Cass: Pollock. Nice to see your nose is still crooked where I punched it.
Pollock: It is not!
Calvin: Does it qualify as a pleasant greeting if you insult someone?
CAP: It does in badger culture, as long as you say it politely.
Rhodez: Badgers care about manners?
CAP: It's more they like to fight, and it's better not to give them an excuse.
Calvin: Sounds like dealing with the Irish. Or maybe the Scots.
Pollock: No Deadpool?
Calvin: He hasn't had an ongoing series since the last one wrapped up in January. Just some mini-series. Unusual restraint from Marvel there. Gotta be the longest stretch without him having his own monthly series since, maybe the Agent X days?
Pollock: A simple confirmation of what my eyes were telling me would have proved sufficient.
CAP: So would saying, "A simple no would suffice."
Calvin: Even my dad could have said it quicker. 'Course, he'd have just gone on to talk about something else for ten minutes.
Rhodez: That's true.
Calvin: Anyway, I bought the taquitos since Wade's not here to do it. I've got soda and corn muffins, too.
CAP: I made fried rice! We had to do something with that 25-pound bag Alex gave Calvin last year. *holds up the bag*
Calvin: I have been slowly using that on soups and hash!
Rhodez: It's still over half-full.
Calvin: I said "slowly."
*Food is consumed in large quantities.*
CAP: *washing dishes* It doesn't seem like there's as much mess to clean up.
Pollock: *lounging on the couch* I imagine it helps Deadpool wasn't here. He tends to talk with his mouth full, spraying crumbs elsewhere.
Calvin: *drying dishes and putting them up* And when it's empty. And when's it's been sealed shut, that crappy Wolverine movie notwithstanding.
Rhodez: *chilling in the collapsible camp chair* I know you didn't do anything for Halloween. You gonna put up any Christmas decorations?
Pollock: Calvin? The man is entirely lacking in holiday spirit!
CAP: You're mostly right, but this is a holiday gathering. . .
Calvin: I put my decorations up this morning. See? *points to a small ceramic tree on the end table, lit by one bulb inside* It's understated, but I've had it since I was a kid.
CAP: It fits you.
Calvin: Thank you.
Cass: *cleaning off the table* Cute.
Pollock: Piffle. I have our building decorated top to bottom, in ways that don't make other denominations feel excluded. You can see our light displays from space.
Rhodez: That sounds pretty wasteful.
Pollock: Our building runs on clean energy.
CAP: It's not your solar-powered fans that crank your wind turbines, is it?
Pollock: No, that fell through years ago. We just produce wind turbines for other people.
Cass: Employees' joy.
CAP: What?! *dries paws and gets ready to fight*
Calvin: Oh dang, you're about to get a visit from a panda version of Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
Pollock: *wide-eyed* No, wait! Dr. Lakshmi abandoned that project when it turned out joy wasn't any more sustainable without major labor turnover than misery. We've developed baffles on the walls and floors that absorb the energy of the employees chatter and their footsteps. Also makes for a more peaceful workspace.
Rhodez: OK, that's pretty cool.
Calvin: Yeah, I gotta give it up for that.
Pollock: Also, because we allow some children from disadvantaged neighborhoods to have parties in the lobbies, I can write off the energy expenditure as a charitable donation and reduce my company's taxes.
CAP: Ugh. You ruined it. Now I need cheering up. What are people thankful for?
Rhodez: I thought you wanted cheering up.
Pollock: Surprise me.
Cass: Fine. *sits on the couch, leans against Pollock, who does look surprised. Everyone else just looks confused.*
Rhodez: Um, OK. Let's see, my parents are doin' good. I got some raises at my job, and I'll get some more soon. Which is good if I can't get this other job I'm angling for. It'll make my current job less crappy, you know? I'm getting some pretty good tone on my arms from working out, which is sweet.
CAP: Nice! Flex! *the panda and Rhodez both flex*
Calvin: If either of you say, "Sweet gains, bro!" I'm throwing you both out.
Pollock: I agree.
CAP: Maybe we'll throw both of you out instead!
Calvin: You're gonna throw me out of my own apartment? Rude.
CAP: Well, not headfirst onto the pavement or anything like that.
Rhodez: Am I the only one giving thanks?
CAP: I'll go! Let's see, the pumpkin-flavored Oreos I had with that security guard were really tasty.
Pollock: Come on, surely you can do better than that!
Rhodez: That's like something Calvin would say.
Calvin: Nonsense. Holiday-themed Oreos are trash.
CAP: I wasn't done! *stomps demonstratively, shaking the apartment* We had a big celebration for my mother's birthday, and she really liked the sculpture I got her! The raccoons do good work. I got to start learning how to exorcise demons, and I helped a family of ghosts one was keeping prisoner. I'm glad that worked out.
Rhodez: Man, my stuff seems kind of lame now. I need a depression beer.
Calvin: Maybe we should make CAP go last from now on.
Pollock: Ha! I can top it easily! My Christmas decoration scheme has netted me not just positive word of mouth in the community, but the aforementioned tax break windfall.
CAP: Booooooo.
Pollock: We're making progress on our own renewable energy engine designs, and the security plants are proving quite popular among the super-rich. They cost less to maintain than attack dogs or mercenaries.
Rhodez: Don't let Deadpool hear that.
Cass: Who would hire him as a bodyguard?
Calvin: What about sharks or alligators in a moat?
Pollock: That's not cost-effective at all, especially once water shortages set in. You don't want your emergency water supply contaminated with alligator crap.
Calvin: Good point.
Cass: *still leaning against Pollock* We didn't have any problems this year. The bears behaved, and no Amilgars or anyone else digging for crystals. We built a bridge across the river to the raccoons' home. Didn't have to beat Pollock up.
Calvin: You're happy about that?
CAP: I thought you liked beating up Pollock.
Cass: When she does something wrong.
Pollock: You hit me several times when I hadn't done anything wrong.
Cass: You did bad things before we met. I hit you for those.
Pollock: You bald-faced liar! You did not!
Calvin: *whispering* We've reached the "drunk relatives fighting" stage of the evening. *louder* No drunk makeouts on my couch!
*Pollock sputters and gags.*
CAP: *giggles* I guess you get to go last.
Pollock: Wait! Pass me one of your depression beers. I'm sure I'll need it after this.
Calvin: Shouldn't you be happy if I don't have much to give thanks for?
Pollock: You would think so, but you're just that underwhelming.
CAP: Are you gonna take that from Pollock?
Calvin: I typically do, but what the hey. Let's see. I didn't get to go on any trips this year. That's no good. But, no damage to my vehicle or my apartment. That is good. Got vaccinated, better than the alternative, certainly. Had that car land on my arm -
Pollock: Ha!
CAP: Shut up!
Calvin: - but there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage, so it's just an amusing and/or infuriating anecdote now. Work is up and down. Nobody I cared about died. Alex got his DJ career back on track post-pandemic. I didn't get all the writing done I wanted, but I got a fair amount of it done. I'm fairly happy about that.
Pollock: Pitiful.
Calvin: I did see Pollock stoned on April Fool's Day. That was pretty funny, have to give thanks for that.
Rhodez: Really?
Calvin: Yeah, she gets super-chill. Also, I found out she likes all of us and misses us when we're gone.
Pollock: I do not! That is an outrageous lie!
CAP: Aww, you're blushing! Hug!
Pollock: Don't you - ack! The rest of you stay back! I will stab you!
Calvin: No problem; I don't hug. And I'm fine just sitting back and watching this.
*After a lengthy fight between Pollock and Clever Adolescent Panda, and the subsequent clean-up.*
CAP: Does it feel like something is missing this year?
Calvin: Now don't you start in on me about Deadpool!
CAP: No, I mean something loud. Something kind of annoying?
Cass: Still sounds like Deadpool.
CAP: I said I wasn't talking about Wade. Someone else.
Narrator: IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE NOTICED!
Everyone: *assorted startled screams*
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