Bird-Brained Pranks

Pollock marched inside the nondescript apartment building and up to one bland white door. She knocked politely, and when she could hear footsteps approaching, stepped out of sight. The door remained shut and the footsteps moved away. Annoyed, Pollock knocked again.

Pollock (unusually high voice): Girl Scouts! I have Pecan Sandies for sale!

Calvin *from behind the door*: Thin Mints or get the fuck out.

Pollock (ordinary voice): You'd talk to a child like that?! I mean, don't speak to my daughter that way!

Calvin *opens the door*: I'm sure kids that age have come up with curse words a thousand times filthier than anything I could manage. Nice try, by the way. How do you trick investors when you're so bad at lying?

Pollock (offended): I tell them things that are open to many forms of interpretation. If it happens their interpretation is incorrect, I can't be held responsible for that.

Calvin: Of course, totally different.

Pollock: You're looking remarkably undamaged. Haven't attempted any automotive repairs recently?

Calvin (sighs): No. What are you doing here?

Pollock: I believe it is my turn to attempt to prank you, correct. After the industrial espionage you attempted last year.

Calvin: Does getting everyone high really count as industrial espionage?

Pollock: If I had drug testing as part of employment, it might. I was speaking more of sending the security plants into homicidal frenzies.

Calvin: Sounds like a flaw in your designs. And what I meant is, why are you here today?

Pollock: It's April Fool's Day. That is the day for pranks.

Calvin: Yes, but you're always late. I mean, we aren't really prepared, Clever Adolescent Panda won't be here until at least tomorrow.

Pollock: Unlikely, since you plan to visit Alex tomorrow.

Calvin: CAP was going to be waiting, so you wouldn't get lonely. We know how you miss us.

Pollock: I only miss you when I want to watch you run in terror - *flings a dagger past Calvin's ear*

Calvin: Hey! I'm not sure I can pass that off as a hole from a nail!

Pollock: - and I knew the panda wouldn't be here today. I've been spying on you.

Calvin: *backing up* Creepy.

Pollock: I thought using an owl to observe you was rather considerate. You were so happy to see it.

Calvin: *aghast* You corrupted the noble owl? Nature's insomniac? You monster!

Pollock: Be fortunate I didn't follow my initial impulse to attach wings to the Stephan.

Calvin: A flying Blender Furby would be an abomination. Especially if you're still letting him on the internet.

Pollock: We are, but I encourage Stephan to talk with us about what he sees there.

Calvin: Bet that's resulted in some awkward conversations.

Pollock: *grimaces* Quite.

Calvin: OK fine. You're here, my furry backup isn't. What you got for me?

Pollock: Just like that?

Calvin: You've already torn my heart asunder with her cruel exploitation of my interest in birds. Let me guess, the cookies were going to be made of cardboard and label glue?

Pollock: There were never any cookies.

Calvin: Then what was the whole "Girl Scout" thing?

Pollock: You were supposed to open the door, and I was going to roundhouse kick you in the face.

Calvin: All your pranks are just physical violence.

Pollock: They aren't! I got you with the chocolate covered mayonnaise that one year! And you're one to talk, how many times did you try to hit me with pies?

Calvin: Hmm, at least three, counting the year we actually managed it. But a pie to the face is comedy, it's funny. I'm pretty sure you just find me writhing in agony satisfying on a visceral level.

Pollock: I'm not going to deny that. But I do have something else planned. Here. *holds out a rubber ball*

Calvin: There's no way I'm accepting that. It's probably full of venomous spiders.

Pollock: Not at all. The Stress Enhancer Squeeze Ball is still in beta-testing. The spiders keep eating each other or suffocating. Come on, take it.

Calvin: *backs away* Not any chance in hell of me doing that.

Pollock: *sighs* Very well, you leave me no choice.

She threw the ball at the floor and it burst open, spraying confetti and glitter all over Calvin's kitchen.

Pollock: *triumphantly* Enjoy spending a lot of time cleaning!

Calvin: *looks around* Eh, it's not so bad. Long as I clear it away from the burners on the oven, shouldn't be a problem. You forget, I like to be organized, but I don't care much about cleanliness.

Some of the glitter slides across the floor.

Calvin: Aw man, it's tiny robots, isn't it? Why's it so cold in here?

Pollock: *smirking* Not tiny robots, and I didn't forget your desire for organization.

A soft hooting emerges from Calvin's bedroom. The owl from a few weeks ago hops into view, wearing one of his caps on its head, another clutched in its beak.

Calvin: My caps! Two of my unnecessarily large number of baseball caps!

The owl hooted mockingly and went back into Calvin's room, flapping awkwardly to the open window.

Calvin: How'd it open my window? And where's it going with my caps?!

The owl hooted one more time, twitching its butt in what was probably a taunt, and flew out the window. Calvin rushed to the window, Pollock trailing behind laughing.

Calvin: Stop that cap-stealing bird!

Pollock: Who are you - Oh, of course.

A big black-and-white mass was chasing the owl across the parking lot. Clever Adolescent Panda crouched and jumped, swiping at the owl with one big paw. The bird hooted in alarm, dropping the caps in its bill. It managed to grab them with its talons, but in tilting to one side to avoid the swipe, the cap on its head tumbled off.

Calvin: Dang it Pollock, going to make me have to shoot an owl. That's mean, that's just mean, man.

Pollock: I'll be taking my leave before the accursed furball returns.

Calvin rushed to join in chasing after the owl, tossing rocks and tennis balls as they were available. Finally, the two of them got the owl to drop the other two caps.

Clever Adolescent Panda: *holds up the caps* Got them!

Calvin: *gasping* Freakin' finally. Sorry about that. Did not expect Pollock to go Oswald Cobblepot on us. Did you have enough time to finish?

Clever Adolescent Panda: *grinning widely* Uh-huh.

Back in the parking lot, Pollock reached her sensible, fuel-efficient rental car. It was then she noticed the windshield was covered over.

Pollock: Soap? Really? Oh no, I have to wash the car. Looks like I win this year, buffoon. *climbs inside the car* Ah, soap on the inside of the windshield, too.

There was a minute "click" as Pollock sat down, and in seconds, the car began to fill with a horrible stench. Pollock tried to open the door, but found Calvin and the panda pushed a dumpster up beside it. Trying to lower the windows revealed they were stuck.

Calvin: *watching from the entrance to his building* Super-glue?

Clever Adolescent Panda: Super-glue.

Pollock put the car in reverse and backed out of the parking space, pulling a 180 and peeled out of the lot. As the car receded, they could see one of the doors open and a sickly green cloud spill out.

Calvin: What was in that? Should I expect the trees around here to wither and die?

Clever Adolescent Panda: Wade left one of his belts at my place. A few of the pouches had dirty socks, and one had, I think they used to be deviled eggs.

Calvin: Whoof. That's rank.

Clever Adolescent Panda: It's important to recycle.