Early Arrival

Calvin: I'm not sure which of us should be more embarrassed.

Clever Adolescent Panda: Me, obviously.

{Calvin is pushing a blue baby stroller, which Clever Adolescent Panda is tucked into, complete with a comically oversized lollipop in one paw, and a rattle in the other.}

CAP: And what would you even be embarrassed about anyway?! There' nothing wrong with a man pushing a baby stroller!

Calvin: *huffing and puffing* There is when he looks like he's about to have a heart attack in the process, because he's actually pushing the largest baby in recorded history.

CAP: I am not!

Calvin: Human baby.

CAP: Oh. Right.

Calvin: Now pipe down, we're almost to the guy at the front desk. Or, I dunno, make a bunch of baby-appropriate noises.

CAP: *drily* You mean crying?

Calvin: Sure, whatever.

*The security guard for Creative Industrial Approaches takes one look at the guy pushing a panda in a baby stroller towards him and decides that is Not His Problem. It's time to take a two-hour bathroom break. At the McDonald's down the street. Calvin and CAP watch him go.*

Calvin: Huh. That makes things easy. *pushes the stroller through the double doors.* You know, I like Pollock's new building better than the old one. No elevators to worry about.

CAP: *kicking their paws idly* I miss the view. It was more fun to sneak in through the roof when it was higher off the ground.

Calvin: *sticks out his tongue* No thanks. That time Rhodez jumped the van from the building across the street was enough for me.

CAP: Well, yeah, that was terrifying. But sneaking around in air ducts is different.

Calvin: Of course. Waitaminute, why are you still in the stroller? We don't need the disguise now!

CAP: Not even just to be sure? *bats eyes and pouts*

Calvin: *unimpressed* You should know better than to think cuteness will work on me.

CAP: Right, I forgot your frozen heart.

Calvin: Frozen, dead, heart, thank you. Now, out.

CAP: Fooey.

*They continue through the halls on foot, passing several offices and labs.*

CAP: Nobody's running away.

Calvin: Pollock probably figured out mind control to reduce lollygagging among her staff.

Pollock: My beloved employees are simply enjoying their work.

Calvin: On a Friday? I call bullcrap.

Pollock: Also, they're avoiding eye contact in case the two of you decide to kill them.

CAP: What?! We wouldn't kill your employees! That's libel! Or, no, slander.

Calvin: Unless you wrote it in an employee handbook.

Pollock: What are you doing here? It's still March.

Calvin: I have stuff to do tomorrow.

Pollock: *laughs, which at least gets the employees looking to see what's happening* No, seriously, what are you doing here?

Calvin: *exchanges a glance and shrug with CAP* We're here to bury the hatchet.

*Pollock backs up and adopts a defensive stance*

CAP: Not literally. There's no actual hatchet. It's time to end this feuding.

Pollock: *rolls her eyes* Please. You tried this two years ago, claiming you were too grown up for pranks. Then you caused a major malfunction with my security plants.

CAP: And got everyone high!

Calvin: Except me.

CAP: Yes, except you, square.

Pollock: Ha!

Calvin: Look, you want your peace offering or not?

Pollock: This should be good. Let's see it.

Calvin: *produces a long cylinder wrapped in reflective silver. Inside is a bouquet* Ta-da!

Pollock: *makes no move to take them* Flowers?

Calvin: Well, I wouldn't care about them, so we figured you would. Especially with all your questionable experiments on teaching plants to kill.

CAP: See the purple ones with the pink speckles? Those are a special breed that only grow around the Panda Citadel.

Pollock *intrigued* Really? Are the pink speckles visible in spectra other than visible light?

CAP: Sort of. *sneaks around Pollock as she leans in for a closer look* They're infrared sensitive.

Pollock: Infrared sensitive? *twists to look at CAP* What does that mean?

*The heat from Pollock's face causes the purple flowers to eject a burst of pollen in her face. Pollock leaps backwards as CAP cracks the lollipop, revealing a giant bubble wand. The panda uses the bubble wand to trap Pollock.*

Pollock: *finding the bubble surprisingly difficult to pop* How are you two comfortable being so deceitful when you're supposed to be the good ones?!

Calvin: Hey, you pretended to sell Girl Scout cookies last year just for the chance to kick me in the face.

Pollock: *sighs* Fine. I'm trapped in a bubble. What now?

CAP: Now it's time for Phase 2.

Calvin: Isn't this Phase 3? Weren't the flowers Phase 1, the bubble Phase 2?

CAP: No, this is Phase 2 because the flowers haven't done their part yet.

Pollock: *growing increasingly nervous* What does that mean? Is that pollen already growing inside me?

*CAP and Calvin exchange surprised looks* 

Calvin: I sure hope not.

CAP: Of course not! That wouldn't be funny at all! The pollen is coating the outside of the bubble.

Pollock: Yes?

CAP: And now I'll show you what real sound-responsive plant life is like.

*Clever Adolescent Panda shakes the rattle, producing a sound like rainfall on stone. In response, the pollen undergoes a surge of mitosis and differentiation, producing short, sprawling plants of broad leaves and more colorful flowers. The bubble is soon completely covered.*

Calvin: *tapping foot* So, what happens now?

CAP: *scratches head* It was supposed to produce tall, flowering shoots that would suspend the bubble and Pollock in the air like an ornament. It was going to look really cool, and keep Pollock trapped inside for a while. I guess the hallway isn't narrow enough.

Calvin: Or there's too much available light from all these ceiling lights.

CAP: *gawks up at the lights* I didn't think of that. I've only seen it in the forests around home.

Pollock: *muffled from inside the bubble* You didn't account for variable growth conditions? You clod!

Calvin: I gotta agree with Pollock on that one.

CAP: Botany isn't my best subject! I tried my best!

Calvin: What happens with all those flowers?

CAP: Well, the pollen expended a lot of energy on those to take advantage of the favorable conditions. They'll produce a lot of pollen if there's heat nearby.

Calvin: *backing up quickly* Like Pollock's body heat near their roots?

CAP: Yeah, probab - aw shoot.

*Calvin dives inside the nearest open doorway as the flowers eject a staggering amount of pollen. The hallway looks like a lava lamp recreation of the Dust Bowl. Calvin and several employees stick their heads back out.*

Calvin: You OK, fuzz buddy?

CAP: *spitting* Ugh, I guess.

Pollock: You won't be. *The hallway is littered with already dying plants, and Pollock's out of the bubble, also coated in pollen.* Your plants sucked up all the moisture in the bubble.

CAP: Don't move!

Pollock: What, another peace offering?

CAP: Yes. The rattle is under your boot. If you move, you'll shake it, and then, well, you know.

*Pollock spares a glance down and confirms her boot's resting on the rattle, lifting one side just slightly off the floor.*

Pollock: It might be worth it to see the accursed furball impersonate a Chia pet. *sighs* But, I don't need the damage to the walls or any sensitive electronics.

Calvin: Glad that's settled! *grabs CAP and sprints away* See you at Blogsgiving!

Pollock: *to her employees* Get the decontamination units out here and clean this up. Then take it to the Floral Research Lab. We can make use of this. . .