It's My Life - in Music

It's been 5.5 years since the last time I did a movie soundtrack for my life, so I think we're due. As always, open your music library and set it to shuffle. The first song plays during the first scene on the list in the movie, second song during the second scene, and so on. I've added a lot of music to the collection since then, though I don't think much of it made it in.

Opening Credits: "A Lesson Learned," Limp Bizkit - As usual, not off to an encouraging start. While this is a much quieter song than you might expect, given the band, it's Fred Durst singing about how things haven't turned out the way he expected, becoming a big-time music star, and it doesn't feel great. He got swept up in all of it, hurt some people, and he's figured it out too late. The last line: 'Fortune and fame are disguised as your friends, but I'm lonelier now than. . .I've. . .ever been.'

On the plus side, hopefully this means I at least get a fortune! I can take or leave the fame.

Waking Up: "She loves you," The Beatles - That's some tonal whiplash right there. Also, kind of an odd song to wake up to. I guess if these scenes aren't necessarily in this order, it can work. I wake up, and to my surprise, the one I love hasn't moved out. Or she moved back in. I thought she was done with me (or was I done with her?) But no, she hasn't given up on us.

Although, I could go a darker route with that, if I was trying to get her to go away. The song does say, 'and you know you should be glad,' which, little ominous. Maybe this is an unhappy marriage and I want to divorce and get with my secretary. I will not allow Movie Calvin to be a philanderer, so he's got to do this properly if he's going to shack up with a much younger girl in a futile attempt to stave off the cold fingers of Death. 

First Day of School: "Joker," Requiem - This is from Alex's first album, The Electronomicon EP. Give a listen here! That's Jim Mahfood art in the background, too!

As to how it relates to my first day at school, hmmmmm. I could play the first 35 seconds, where it's building, over the trip to school. All the other kids on the bus are excited, but I'm feeling increasingly antsy, unsure what I'm getting into. After that, maybe a sped-up montage where certain things come into sharp focus for an instant, before receding into the blur.

Are the things that snap into focus good or bad? Eh, we'll play that by ear. Maybe I'm excited for coloring, or I don't line up properly for the slow march to the cafeteria and get yelled at. Maybe I make some friends, or I rip my pants messing around on the monkey bars.  

Falling in Love: "Come Over," Estelle - Estelle's singing to her lover to encourage them to go further with the relationship. While she's willing to give a lot, she's also willing to be patient, and accept if they can't give her as much.

So, who's who in this scenario? If I'm the one falling in love, then I should be the one making that sort of offer. I'll give myself to them, and it's OK if they can't give as freely. Anything they offer is enough. Of course, if we go with the darker interpretation of "She loves you," then I fell in love with this person because they give so much for so little in return, and later broke up with them (or tried) when I got bored/found someone else.

Simply for the sake of not being an ass, I prefer Option 1. Also, I think it fits better with "A Lesson Learned," where I'll eventually learn I can't continue in such a relationship, letting people use me, because it leaves me feeling sick and empty.

First Love Song: "Tigerlily," La Roux - A song about two people trying to have a forbidden relationship. They're trying to hide the attraction and desire, stick to shadows, fearful of discovery, questioning whether it's better to go along with what everyone wants, in exchange for being able to live a less stressful life.

Following Option 1 from the previous song, I'm reading it as my lover doesn't give as much because they're afraid to. For whatever reason, I'm not an acceptable romantic partner. Am I the, gasp, mistress in this scenario? I'm the one being strung along with promises that one day we'll be together openly. Just, not today. How awful. I never thought I would end up as Margaret Houlihan to someone's Frank Burns. I better be hella rich to put up with this shitty turn of events.

Breaking Up: "O Green World," Gorillaz - There's not a lot to this. Mostly guys chanting in the background while the lead singer keeps asking the "green world" to not desert him now. So I had it being the other man and broke it off, and my lover is pleading for me not to leave. Saying we complete each other and a lot of blah blah and I ain't having it. I've got my self-respect! *starts checking pockets* Well, I had it a minute ago. . .

Prom: "getcha groove on," Limp Bizkit - The title certainly fits for a dance, and it's a much more up-tempo song than "A lesson learned." However, it's mostly warning people not to mess with them. They're gonna do what they're gonna do, and if you don't like it, well, fuck around and find out.

Which sounds like a perfect lead-in to a break-up. Either that, or one of us tried to get back together at Prom, and the other was not having it. There was probably some, "you need me," insistence, and then my contrary genes kicked in and I said, "just watch me, asshole." Then I dumped an entire bowl of chip dip on their head. The principal was aghast.

I'm actually starting to dig the direction this movie's going. Very dramatic. 

Mental Breakdown: "Just the Way You Are," Billy Joel - And we're back to something soft and slow. Well, if I had a breakdown, I probably need to avoid overstimulation. After my big display at the prom (or some other event), I tried really hard to be a different person. To show I didn't need that jackass. But all I succeeded in doing was putting a lot of pressure on myself to "win" the break-up, or whatever. Eventually, I collapsed under the pressure of doing things I wasn't really enjoying, because I felt like I had to do them.

Now someone, a steadfast friend or maybe the therapist, is insisting none of that is necessary. I don't have to change to not end up with a jackass like Former Lover, or be successful in my career, and I won't make anyone happy trying to do that. I just need to be myself, and find what works for that me. 

Driving: "Crawl," Staind - This feels like it has to take place before the Breakdown, if only because it's such an ugly song about someone confidently asserting they know what I'm like. Plus the part where he talks about crawling while the other person spits. Oh, and can't forget where he screams, 'Everything falls apart, EVE-RY-THIIIIIIIIING!!!!' Definitely doesn't suggest a great mental state.

I suspect this sequence ends with me upside-down in a ditch, or maybe ramming headlong into a bridge support. Trying to prove this person wrong, to not give them the satisfaction of seeing me crawl back to them and their superior attitude, is really fucking with my headspace. Also, I probably got in a lot of trouble for dumping the bowl of dip on their head. I was the sort of student who would absolutely stress about getting in trouble at school.

Flashback: "Tomorrow Comes Today," Gorillaz - Another appropriate title, given the scene. I think this takes place prior to Breaking Up. Or during the Mental Breakdown stretch? That could be a fun shift. 

At some point, I have to replay everything that's happened, trying to figure out where I mis-stepped. What was the mistake? Even though I can't go back and fix it - or can I? - it would still be a very "me" thing to do, to endlessly stew over mistakes. The question is, am I realizing it was a mistake to ever entertain the notion of a relationship with this person, or telling myself the mistake was breaking up with them? Or is it something else? I should have ditched my job a long time ago, because it was making me miserable?

Getting Back Together: "Oh Yeah," Daft Punk - The song is basically an electronic beat with someone occasionally saying, "oh yeah." Not as a question, not as an exclamation, either. Almost like someone reminded them they already saw that new Channing Tatum movie last week. "Oh yeah, I forgot. *laughs sheepishly*"

How does that relate to Getting Back Together? It's not incredulous, like, "holy shit, how am I back with this train wreck of a person?" But also not cause for celebration. It just sorta, happened. Which makes me think the friend who was helping me during the Mental Breakdown and I got together. Maybe we dated at some point, or hell, maybe getting back together just means splitting the rent. We used to be roomies, and I lost my place during the stretch when I lost my mind. No car, no home, probably no job. They're letting me stay with them until I get rolling again, and even once I did, I just stuck around. We like living together, so we keep doing it. We're in a groove, so we're just rolling with it.

Heck, it cuts their bills in half, and I'm not a messy roomie. I don't like cleaning, but I keep my stuff out of everyone's way and don't take up a lot of space in the fridge. You could do a lot worse for a roommate!

Wedding: "Inner Universe," Orgia - I know this as the opening theme to Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, although the version I have is 5 minutes long. I don't know what the singer is saying, having never bothered to seek a translation, so I go by what her tone and the music prompt in me. 

And that's a sense of falling. Given the length of the song, it's falling from a very high altitude. Like I jumped from the edge of Earth's atmosphere and now I'm plummeting headfirst at the ground, trying not to burn up. Then, at the very end, I stop like I canceled gravity, my nose just above the ground. (Certain songs, I have extremely particular visuals that accompany them. This is one of them.)

All of which is to say, there's not going to be a wedding. Maybe I almost let Former Lover (or some other dickhead) talk me into it, and I just went along. I didn't fight the pull, either because I didn't see it happening, or just didn't think I could. But at the last second, I'm going to realize this is not some universal constant force, and I can exert control.

On the plus side, abject humiliation for the Former Lover, as I go sprinting out of the chapel like my pants are on fire. Actually, given my aversion to religion, they just might be. I tend to spontaneously combust on holy ground.

Or there's the option where I'm wistfully watching two people get married, thinking it could have been me, if only my lover's family had approved. Then I see how much of a hell my mother-in-law would have been and realize that actually, I dodged a bullet there. 

Birth of Child: "Addicted to Love," Robert Palmer - Having decided I can pull an audible and ditch the wedding, Movie Calvin is not having a child. So, this is my roommate's kid with their romantic partner. I'm there when the kid is born, because I'm a good friend and I don't mind driving them to the hospital so the docs can handle all the messy stuff. And they're so incredibly lovey-dovey with each other as they coo over the baby that it's almost nauseating, but hell, I'm glad to see them happy.

If we're going the personal growth ("lesson learned") route, the couple having the kid are the duo I watched getting married and I realize I'm not only OK with not being married to whichever of them I fancied, I'm happy for the two of them to have found happiness together in the family they've created. 

Final Battle: "Sheena is a Punk Rocker," The Ramones - OK, this is taking place before the kid is born, but after the wedding. Former Lover makes one last play to try and suck me in, but it's with the same bullshit they always spewed. That I couldn't do better, that they knew best, that I wouldn't find anyone else.

But just like Sheena's not being guilted into visiting the discotheque a-go-go with her friends when she wants to rock around in the punk scene, I'm not having any of this crap. Whether I find anyone else is up to me, but I'm sure as hell better off alone than with this jerk. Do I throw something? Do I punch them? Do I dismiss them and walk away, and when they try to chase, they trip and land facefirst in something unpleasant? I'd be fine with that.

Or maybe the final battle is with myself, finally coming to terms with the kind of life I'm going to live versus the expectations everyone had for me. And I kick those expectations' asses! 

Death Scene: "Crimson and Clover" Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - If this is my death scene, I feel like the results of the Final Battle were a lie. I never got over that lover, or never really made peace with not living up to everyone else's expectations. Singing about not really knowing her, but thinking she could love her feels like it's of a piece with Estelle promising to do most of the loving in the relationship. I'm charging in headlong, offering all of me, and if I've bothered to consider whether the other person feels the same, would do the same, I haven't let the possibility the answer is "no" deter me.

Which, does not sound very much like me. Apparently Movie Calvin is much more a person to trust their instincts than Blog Calvin. That's not the worst thing. Maybe I died as the result of an impulsive act to save someone I saw was in danger. I didn't know them, not a thing, but I decided they were worth trying to help. And I died.

The moral is, never try.

Funeral Scene: "One by One," Chumbawumba - This starts with singing about a union leader who visited striking dockworkers, but dismissed their concerns. He had his eyes on a seat in the House of Lords, which I understand to be like the Senate with mandatory drinking, or maybe a frat house for old men with non-functional prostates. Which, to be fair, also describes much of the U.S. Senate.

So, people with the power to do something chose not to, because they stood to gain more by doing nothing. I feel this does not entirely go with Death Scene, certainly not if I died acting impulsively to save someone I barely knew. Unless I acted when others who were better equipped did not. Aw hell, did I run into a school shooting to rescue my friends' kid while the cops sat around with their thumbs up their tactical gear covered asses? Those bastards!

Or, rolling back around to "A lesson learned," there were a lot of people who could have helped me, but didn't. Which suggests maybe I had another mental breakdown, and this time there wasn't anyone close enough to pull me out of the spiral. I decided I could go it alone, but that means when I actually needed someone, there was no one. So maybe I slipped in the shower and busted my skull open. An ignominious end, but one that took place because I lived on my own terms. That doesn't keep my pallbearers from feeling guilt. 

End Credits: "Go Go Gadget Flow," Lupe Fiasco - This feels like the complete reverse of the Opening Credits. Very up-tempo, not necessarily loud, but louder certainly. Lupe telling us he's not done, he's barely begun, you can't stop him, you can't even touch him. 'My tank on full, your tank on "E",' or, 'look good on you, look great on me.'

How the hell do I reconcile that with, well, everything? Not the least of which is that I'm dead, so I most certainly am going to S-T-O-P. It doesn't feel like the kind of movie where you play this as an ironic joke. Unless. . .OK, I got it.

The Former Lover turned vengeful, and arranged my death. I was not the first paramour she did this to, and I won't be the last. The police don't suspect, and even if they did, she's too slick, too clever, too able to out-maneuver them in any number of ways for them to catch her. So the credits roll over a shot of her, looking impeccably dressed, walking away from my funeral, giving her current lover - my roomie? someone else? - a look that can only be considered contemplative, as the audience is left with the notion that they know who is next.