Let's Bonk This Thing, And Go Home

*Previously, Calvin and Adorable Baby Panda captured Shadow Thief without meaning to, and some nice cops gave them a lift to where Satana was. Also, Deadpool blew up Hawkman with a grenade, and there was much rejoicing.*

*ABP and Calvin move down a street in St. Roch's financial district. Ahead, they see Satana, accompanied by 4 of her experiments: a tiger, a moose, a snake, and a panda. They're standing outside a bank arguing with a middle-aged gent in an opera cape and a monocle. As they approach, our intrepid heroes slip into a nearby shadowy alley.*

Calvin: {I'm guessing that would be the Monocle they were talking about over the police band?}

ABP: I guess so. He has a monocle.

Calvin: {Yeah, it's very classy. Makes me wish I had one. So what do we do? Capturing her was gonna be hard enough with her victims there, another super-villain only makes it worse.}

ABP: You have a sword, that should help.

Calvin: {When have I ever demonstrated I could use a sword?}

ABP: Then why did you bring it?

Calvin: {It made me feel more secure than the stick.}

ABP: Maybe if you look like you know how to use it, we can scare them.

Calvin: {Or maybe our problems will take care of themselves. Look!}

Satana: All I'm saying is, stop blowing up the *expletive deleted* banks, until after I can rob them! I need that money!

The Monocle: *smirking faintly* Oh, come now, my dear. Surely a decent pair of pants can't cost that much? Perhaps you could afford them if you bought less gaudy earrings?

Satana: {Multiple expletives deleted} Kill this {expletive deleted}!

*The hench-animals rush forward, only to be blinded by a flash of light from the monocle of their target*

The Monocle: I really have no interest in killing you or your pets, so perhaps you could simply adjourn for the evening?

*Just then, Deadpool runs up*

Deadpool: [Hey, I found the bad girl we were looking for! Now where are Calvin and the Fuzzball? There they are, hiding in those shadows! Hey guys, come out here, I found the Dr. Moreau wannabe we were looking for! Let's hurry and beat her up, 'cause I might still be able to pick up that fine lady from the coffee place!]

*Calvin and ABP both facepalm, as Satana and the Monocle whirl to look at them.*

Satana: What are you, some low rent neighborhood watch? {Expletive}, kill all these freaks! *The hench-animals split up and each attack a different target*

Calvin: {She's blue, and commanding animals with human brains inside, and we're the freaks? She needs to lay off the peyote, eh ABP? ABP? Oh, crap, Tiger Man! Run away!}

*ABP is already charging towards Satana, though her Panda Man moves to bar the way. Calvin is running from the Tiger Man. The Monocle, clearly bored with the whole thing, simply incinerates the advancing Snake Man with a beam from the Moncole. Deadpool is launched through the window of a thus far untouched bank by the Moose Man.*

Deadpool: [Why am I playing the Jorge Lugo to everyone else's Charles Barkley today?]

Monocle: *from the sidewalk* Pardon me, aren't you the boisterous fellow who was fighting Hawkman earlier this evening?

Deadpool: [You mean Conan the Barbarian with bird wings? yeah, I fought him. Did you know he's crazier than a bag of hammers? *seems to argue with himself* It does too make sense! *to the Monocle* Yeah, I blew him up good. Remember kids, hand grenades aren't toys, but they are fun!]

The Monocle: It seems proper, considering how much he enjoyed violence.

Deadpool: [*now very animated, excitedly relating story* Well, I also cut off his wings, smashed his face into the ground, and made him start crying for his girlfriend!]

The Monocle: Really? I wish I had been there to see that. He always mocks his opponents if they start crying after he stabs them, you know. Would you like any help with this fellow? *nods towards Moose Man, who has stood there confused through the conversation*

Deadpool: [*adroitly hops back through window onto sidewalk* Nah, I've got it in hand. Have fun destroying the lives of people unrelated to the horrible misfortunes you've endured! *waves eagerly*]

The Monocle: Uh, thank you. *Thus exits The Monocle*

Deadpool: [Now why would she put a human brain in a moose? *dodges charge, moose slams into wall* It doesn't have hands to carry stuff. *dodges mule kick attempt by leaping onto moose's back* Maybe she has lots of hats? *leaps off moose's back, grabs antlers as he descends, give neck sharp twist, kills Moose Man*]

*Meanwhile, Calvin is still running*

Calvin: {Running from a Tiger Man, while great exercise, is not productive. What would Kamandi do? Seriously, someone who has read Kamandi tell me what he'd do. Ah hell, lets try this.}

*Calvin hops on top of a fire hydrant, narrowly avoiding sweeping claws, then leaps sideways towards a lamp post, which he grabs on to, and swings around on, so that as Tiger Man turns to face him, it gets a face full of Calvin's size 14s. The Tiger Man falls backwards, and whacks its head on the hydrant. The impressiveness of Calvin's move is marred by the fact he can't stick the landing, falling on his rear end instead. before the Tiger Man can regain its senses, Calvin's strikes it in the face with the pommel of his sword.*

Calvin: {Hey, I won a fight. Go me!}

ABP: Great! Look, I caught Satana and stopped the poor panda she hurt.

Calvin: {Wow, way to make me look like a bum. You're just Grant Morrison's Batman in a Piglet sized package, aren't ya?}

ABP: Sorry. Hey, at least you didn't hurt yours too much. Now her victims can get help, since we caught them alive.

Deadpool: [Wait, we're not killing them? Oops.]

Calvin: {Yeah, and I think the Monocle killed that Snake Guy, judging by the huge pile of ash over there.}

ABP: Well, at least we caught these two, and they can get help.

*A squad car pulls up. Jerry and Claire, the officers from Part 2, get out.*

Jerry: Hey, they caught Satana.

Claire: Yeah, but it looks like the Monocle got away.

Jerry: Cut 'em some slack Claire. Catching one bad guy is pretty good for a couple of rookies.

Deadpool: [No problem citizens. Fighting the forces of evil to protect a world that hates and fears us is old hat for us X-Men!]

Claire: Say, doesn't he match the description of the crazy guy that fought Hawkman?

Deadpool: [I'm the crazy one? Have you listened to that bird guy lately?]

Jerry: We try to ignore him. You're right, he does. *Turns to ABP and Calvin* You two said you didn't know him.

Deadpool: [You said you didn't know me? Is it amnesia, caused by constant regeneration of your brains? Wait, only I have that!]

Calvin: {Wade, it really wasn't the time to admit that to them. They were being helpful, and you were fighting the city's costumed protector.}

ABP: See, I told you lying to the cops was bad! Told you so, told you so!

Claire: I told you those two weren't real heroes. I mean, "Ordinary Guy"?

Jerry: I thought he was being modest!

Claire: They beat Shadow Thief with a camera and a stick!

Jerry: So you can't fight crime on a budget?

Calvin: {Yeah, haven't you ever seen Blankman?}

Deadpool: [Nobody saw Blankman.]

Calvin: {Oh, right.}

Claire: You'll all have to come with us and answer some questions.

Calvin: {I thought cops in the DC Universe were more understanding.}

ABP: Not when you lie to them!

Calvin: {You're never gonna stop lording that over me, are you? And just how are you planning to deal with Satana? I don't see the cops letting us stroll off with her.}

ABP: Yeah, it's too bad. I thought hitting her over the head until she admitted she was screwed up would really help. Then we could talk about feelings.

Calvin: {Well, I think the amount of time we can plausibly converse before the cops starts actively trying to take us in is long over, so do what you're going to do so we can flee.}

ABP: All right. *Turns to Satana* So you'll remember to shape up, I'm giving you an Extra Special, What The Heck Are You Thinking Tony Stark, You Are In So Much Trouble, Bonk Of Extreme Displeasure! *Unleashes that thing I just wrote out above on Satana. She's hit hard enough that the little birdies and pandas she sees are visible to everyone else.*

Jerry: Holy crap! She made little birds and pandas with her mind! If we're not careful, she might use her new powers to force us to start doing the Monkey! *starts doin' the Monkey*

Claire: *Raps him gently on the head with her nightstick* You're just looking for an excuse to do the Monkey, and I keep telling you there is no excuse. Say, where'd they go?

*Our trio has quickly run around the corner, only to crash into a large drunk. A very large drunk. In a monk's robe, with bright pink skin, red eyes, huge teeth, and four arms. Three of the arms carry various liquors. The fourth carries a very large sword.*

Our Trio: Oh crap.

Large Drunk: hic *Sways* Hrai, I crave vengeance! *Leans heavily against the building*

Deadpool: [Hawkman really can still reincarnate! Geoff Johns' continuity magic must be too strong for Starlin's!]

Large Drunk: Where ish GrimJack? Zago, Blood, urp, Red God of Deatsh, has returned, and belch, seeks vengeance! *Smashes one bottle against building, throws up* Mortals, shpeak, and Zago will kill thee swiftly! *Drops sword; doesn't notice*

Calvin: *Looks around desperately, notices Hawkman flying towards them, looking really pissed off. So, a normal Hawkman look.* {There he is, trying to disguise himself as a winged barbarian!}

Zago: *Looks up, clutches head and groans, stares at Hawkman doubtfully* You are sure?

Calvin: {Absolutely. Look, he's even got a sword, so he's no doubt planning to cut off your arms and stab you, just like he did last time!}

Zago: *Pulls himself up straight* Nay, the weakling will be made to learn the glory that is Zago this time. *Lumbers past our heroes, still without his sword, towards the Hawkman, who's coming in swiftly at a shallow angle. As Hawkman readies his sword, Zago falls over, and Hawkman slams into the building. Clearly, he's still shaking off the grenade.*

Calvin: {And now I suggest we resume running.}

*And they did, all the way back home. The end.*

Oh, We Do Go On

Adorable Baby Panda: Why did you call me Adorable Baby Panda the 2nd yesterday?

Calvin: {I thought I might tease the audience with the idea that you'll be killed off in the thrilling conclusion to our St. Roch Field Trip tomorrow, thus forcing me to seek your replacement.}

ABP: You're going to kill me?!

Calvin: {Of course not. Kill off the one character I've created for this blog people actually like? Ridiculous. I just wanted to add some tension. Guess that's gone flying out the window.}

ABP: You don't think people like UnCalvin?

Calvin: {I'm not sure I actually created UnCalvin. UnCalvin may have always existed.} *Stares into space*

That's creepy. Stop being creepy. I'm giving Bob a Hug because all his friends kept bugging him when all he wanted to do was fix his spacecraft. {They only bother him because he's smart and they're all morons.} That's not a good reason! And they are not morons! Wait, you're being sarcastic aren't you? {Considering I am sarcastic and/or snide roughly 88% of my waking life, yes probably.} What about when you sleep? {I'm 100% sarcastic then. You should hear me, mocking the sheep and their endless leaping over fences. "Oh, nice jump there Lambchop. You got mad hops. Shouldn't you be in a Certa mattress commercial?"} You're being creepy again. Hugs for the Exiles, because their book was canceled. {Deadpool needs a hug too, don't you think?} But he's about to find friends! {Yes, I'm sure his attempt to join the X-Men won't end in disaster. And explosions.} You're being sarcastic again. {It's my default condition. Says so in the owner's manual.}

Moondragon gets a Hug because her girlfriend is dead. {Oh, she's not dead. She was stabbed through the chest, but she was lying near a massive tear in space and time. She'll be fine, and, before you say it, so will Gamora. She's the deadliest woman in the universe, gonna take more than neck snapping to stop her.} Grimjack gets a Hug because he's ugly, and old, and that's sad. {He's not THAT old.} OK, he gets it because he won't let anyone be his friend. {That's a little better reasoning.} Maybe a hug for Po Lin. {Nah, she'll be fine. She had one of those moments of clarity. Maybe one for Chun Li, since her dad's going to be murdered soon.} We can stop it! {Can't change the past.} Maybe we could! {No, we couldn't.} Yes, we could! {No. It would require time travel, so we'd run into Kang, and I am not having run-ins with Kang, thank you very much. Also, you'd insist on bringing Deadpool, and we're not setting him loose in the time stream. It'd be the "Homer travels through time with his toaster" Halloween special all over again. Wade would probably shoot Sir Walter Raleigh and scandalize Queen Elizabeth in the first five minutes.} Why would we meet them? {It's an imperfect science, duh!}

Do you think Beta Ray Bill deserves applause? {*shrugs* I think Galactus does. He did Bill a real solid considering Bill was trying to kill him.} But Galactus is still eating planets, and letting Stardust kill everyone! {Hmm, point for you. OK, applause for no one!} Well, I want to Applaud Nova for getting what he wanted out of Blastaar. {That was pretty smooth.} I'm giving that ship captain a Bonk for throwing Deadpool overboard like that. {Yeah, he could at least wait until they reach land and turn Wade in to Norman Osborn for a huge reward!} Stop being sarcastic! {Geez, I can't be creepy, and I can't be sarcastic. What are you leaving me with?!}

What I Bought 9/8/09 - Part 2

More comics! I can't pause for a longer intro, because time waits for no one!

GrimJack: Manx Cat #2 - The man GrimJack stole the Manx Cat for has already had it stolen from him, and they'd like Gaunt to get it back, and they'll pay him for it, which is nice since he was planning on finding it anyway to get Johnny Aristo off his back. He looks up his old buddy BlacJacMac. They get into a firefight with some heavily armed (and seriously dumb) repo men, who want the Cat. Then we meet BlacJac's new lady, Goddess, then Gaunt gets a little information out of Roscoe (for a fee), and hunts down Darlin' Lil. But things start to go awry, as they usually do.

This issue actually doesn't advance the plot very much, as Ostrander spends most of the issue expanding on Gaunt's character, and introducing us to a few more of his friends, and seeing how they interact. Which is fine, as I like watching BlacJacMac bust GrimJack's balls about so old and ugly. Plus, Ostrander makes sure we get at least a few pages of GrimJack being badass, which is always a good thing. I like Truman's art, but it's a little odd that for certain buildings, he seems to have taken a picture of a real place, and superimposed it into the picture (he did that with the courthouse last month as well). It's kind of jarring, and I know Truman could probably draw an antebellum house that looks better than the picture they use. Maybe there's a point to it, but it eludes me.

Guardians of the Galaxy #17 - Star-Lord's warning arrives a bit late, as the T-Bomb's already gone off. The Guardians confront the Inhumans, and Phyla continues to aggravate the situation, until Lovecraftian Monstrosity #2,347 attacks the Flying Spaceship City of Attilan. At which point Groot collaborates with Maximus to send the thing packing. Apparently he's not just saying 'I Am Groot'. Meanwhile Adam Warlock uses the Universal Church of Truth as a power source for a spell to stop the Fault from expanding any further, and tethers the present to a unused future timeline for some purpose. Then Phyla stabs him through the chest. Yep, say hello to Mantis' prophesied traitor from issue #1 (or was that #2?) Then Gamora "kills" her, then we learn the price of Adam Warlock's big spell, and it's not good for Gamora.

Well now, that was a lot of stuff. Team members dropping like flies all over the place. Still, it sets some future conflicts up for what's left of the Guardians, and I somehow doubt that Lord Oblivion's plans are actually over. I'm not sure about Abnett and Lanning have Rocket Raccoon reference "Gerard Way" as a comparison for Adam Warlock. Maybe because it doesn't mean anything to me, or maybe because, unlike with Rocket's reference to E-Bay back in #1, no one expresses incredulity with the comment. Brad Walker's on pencils, but it feels as though he's using more small lines than he did previously, and that he's exaggerating people's faces more, especially around the mouths. Lots of characters seem to be pooching out their lips, the way chimpanzees do (almost like puckering, but jutting the lips out further, so they aren't really touching). It's kind of distracting. And I think the Phyla/Gamora fight would have worked better in separate panels, though looking at it, he does use the sword motion in each still to lead to the next one, which is a nice touch. As it stands, I'm more interested in what this sets up for the future than the actual events in the comic themselves.

Nova #28 - Nova takes out the Strontian that nearly killed his little brother, and he uses a headbutt to make it happen. Headbutts, represent! The other Novas stomp some other Imperial Guardsmen, rescue Ravenous and Raza of the StarJammers. Then Rich negotiates himself, his Novas, and their prisoners out of King Blastaar's hands rather cleverly. Having returned to Nu-Xander, we learn the Corps is down to about 8 members, as Rich is not going to force Robbie to go home once he heals up. At the end, a space ship comes floating out of the Fault (the Corps having decided to go check it out, since it'll probably release things for them to deal with).

That was fun. I like Rich beating someone as strong as Gladiator, and doing it cleverly. I especially like how he managed to sweet-talk Blastaar into letting him go, but still threw in a dig at Blastaar, reminding him what Nova Prime did with the 'last idiot who faced me with a cosmic control rod. I tore him inside out Blastaar. Inside out.' I never get tired of remembering that battle. Good times. Also, the look on Blastaar's face as Rich bows to him, and thanks him for his mercy and compassion is just priceless. Go Andrea DiVito! I read this in the Legion of Doom review of the issue, and having read it myself, I'm inclined to agree: I'm not a fan of the Worldmind's new speech patterns. I'm not sure I'd classify them as a teenage girl's, but then I'm not sure how teenage girls sound. I suppose they're trying to differentiate more between the Worldmind's old format, and Ko-Rel, the basis for the current model, and she would be more impressed by weird stuff, but she was a Kree soldier, so I'm not sure she'd be sound, um goofy, at times.

Street Fighter Legends: Chun-Li #4 - Our heroes survive the attack on them at the restaurant, and learn what Sagat was after (those Terracotta warriors) and that's he's already got them and is leaving. They hustle after him, beat up his guys, but Sagat pretty much beats all three of them up, then flees because more police are coming. Po Lin figures out she's in the cop business for the wrong reasons (revenge) and calls it quits, then we get foreshadowing to the eventual murder of Chun-Li's dad, which is what sets her so doggedly on Bison's path.

The problem with this, and it's one I should have realized earlier, is that this is really just filling in some gaps in Chun-Li's history. I'm not a Street Fighter afficonado, but even I knew her dad doesn't get killed by Sagat, and I know Ryu is the first one to ever beat Sagat, which means I knew as soon as our heroes started fighting him, they were all gonna get whomped. The future is already locked in, and they can't change it, so they have to lose. Also, they're not terribly effective in the story in general. They survive all the gunmen at the restaurant because another friend shows up and helps, and he forces one of the gunmen to tell them what Sagat's up to, and where he's gone. They don't get that information through interrogating suspects, or pounding the pavement for clues, so they start to feel like bystanders in the story. I do like Omar Dogan's art, and the story in general is probably a good example of what could have happened to Chun-Li after her father died, if she had let it, so that's a couple of things in its favor.

And that's all the reviews for now. Adorable Baby Panda the 2nd will be by tomorrow for our usual escapades.

What I Bought 9/8/09 - Part 1

Yes, we're putting the story on hold for a few days. I'm sure you're crushed. I'll try and make the reviews interesting to make up for it. A decent little haul, though I am without Deadpool #14 and Immortal Weapons #2. I'll just have to wait for my next package, I suppose. it's actually not so bad. This week and the next were going to be decidedly puny (we're talking two comics total), so they'll provide a nice boost. Moving on.

Agents of Atlas #10 - That is a really nice cover. The bullet holes in all the blocks, with a few of the chips sitting on the ground.

So the Agents try to decide how to deal with Jade Claw, and Parker takes the opportunity to do some character-building, as well as expanding on the Atlas organization and its history, and setting some things up for when the book becomes a back-up feature in Incredible Hercules, and probably starts tying in to that book's plots.

The two I found most interesting were the segments with Bob Grayson, and Temugin's. Bob's because it drove home so forcefully how much everyone seems to depend on him, as literally everyone comes in while he's trying to repair his saucer, and starts making requests for help with projects they think will help fight the Jade Claw. Temugin's because it showed me something different about him. Not the part where he demands they go directly attack the Great Wall, and if they fall, they fall. However, his outrage, both at the experimentation going on at that Atlas outpost in Nevada, and at the conditions of the workers at the diamond mine, that was surprising. He never struck me as the sort of ruler who would care about the means needed to achieve his goals, or the lives of the people he'd be using. It provided me with a bit more respect for him, that maybe he isn't just biding his time waiting to seize control.

Gabirel Hardman's back on the art chores, working with Paul Rivoche (they share the "artists: credit). It's still a fairly minimalist style, though with Rivoche the art doesn't remind me as much of Michael Lark as it did in the Namor arc. That's not really good or bad; there are still bits that I like, where the art lends some character to the, uh, characters, but also places where I feel the details are lacking.

Beta Ray Bill: Godhunter #3 - Despite not being able to use Stormbreaker, Bill presses on with trying to starve Galactus, and it's working. Galactus sends the Surfer to negotiate/extort a detente out of Bill, but for long moments, it's not clear how Bill will respond. Eventually, though, he makes the only decision he could, both as a hero, and considering the character he was trying to kill. Still, he does receive something for his troubles, and I guess we'll see if he becomes a recurring character in Gillen's Thor run.

One bit I like with the art is that Kano doesn't let Galactus dominate the page in this issue compared to his brief appearances in the first two issues. The camera tends to regard Galactus from a more level angle, rather than straining upwards, and he's dwarfed by other things in the panels more than once. Only near the end, does he start to seem so much larger than everyone else again, and that serves as a way to better highlight that he, better than the Surfer, understands what Bill feels. It's strange, because I know the mini-series couldn't really end any other way, yet I'm both disappointed, and not. I guess, even if this is the ending I expected, it was done well, so it works, but I still would have kind of liked to see Bill pull it off.

Deadpool #15 - OK, like I said, I didn't get issue 14, but the recap page told me some of what I need to know. Enough, I suppose. Deadpool is alone on his pirate ship, going a little nuts, even for him. He's questioning his existence, why he does what he does, and what he should really be doing. What does he want, and is he willing to try hard to get it and keep it? By the end of the issue, he thinks he knows what he wants, and where to go to get it. Yeah, good luck with that, Deadpool.

Wow, that was an exceedingly depressing issue, though I suppose it's overdue. I had found myself wondering where Way was going with this, after I read a bit about the arc in Wolverine: Origins he had Deadpool guest-star in. He seemed to have a clear idea of Deadpool there, but thus far, he didn't seem to be going anywhere. Which may have been the point. Of course, the idea he settled on is the same one he settled on in Cable/Deadpool, but I guess when one is as crazy as Deadpool (and is considered a marketable character for serialized fiction), you have to expect some regression.

Paco Medina is back on the penciling chores, which is generally OK, though I don't feel he draws Deadpool quite hideously enough. He honestly looks like an old guy who's had too much sun, so his skin is burned and kind of tight.

Exiles #6 - And we reach the end of the road, and bloody hell, that was a lot of scientific babble. The team returns to the first reality they visited, to finish wrecking the mutant alliance, and they take good advantage of the fact that Scott Summers can't quit fooling around with other women. Reality saved, they earn a brief vacation. Then most of the team pulls a fast one on Blink and Morph/Timebroker. Finally, they learn what's been going on and it involves Kang. Well, a Kang. This time. There's a lot of that old Marvel standby about how if you change the past, all you accomplish is creating a new timeline, and that means more Kang's, and they aren't necessarily the same, and oh, my head.

Anyway, the truth has come out, the team does get to see how the their worlds progressed without them, and there's something up with the Scarlet Witch. I'm not clear whether the one from the first reality they visited switched with the one that was on the team, or if the one that was on the team really was the one from that reality. I'm guessing the former, but I'm not sure I'd trust that the death scenes we saw in #1 were all legit. Yeah, this would have worked a lot better if Parker had time to parcel the clues to the mystery (and various aspects of the characters) out over time. Sadly, was not to be, because it didn't have Dark Reign plastered on the cover.

Things Would Be Going Off-Script, If I Had One

*Last time, Calvin, Adorable Baby Panda, and Deadpool traveled to St. Roch to find a conveniently escaped Satana and hand out some justice. Their attempts to keep a low profile were ruined by Deadpool's love of shooting, expository dialogue, and attractive middle-aged women. Now he's busy fighting Hawkman while our other intrepid protagonists continue their search for their quarry.*

Calvin: *running, with ABP on his shoulder* {I told you there was no point to looking for her in cemeteries. 'She needs live people for her experiments', I said. 'Maybe we should try the zoo, or the Bowery district,' I said. Did you listen? Noooo. You were just sure you sensed her this way, and now we're running from a living shadow!}

Shadow Thief: I'm sorry to interrupt your berating of your little pet, but I can't allow any witnesses to my graverobbing of wealthy plantation families' mausoleums!

Calvin: {Sir, we really don't care what you're up to!}

ABP: What are you saying? He's a bad guy, and we have to stop him! And who is he calling "pet"?

Calvin: *grits teeth, reaches into one of his half-dozen coat pocket* {Fine, here, see if the flash on my camera will do something to him.}

ABP: You brought a camera?

Calvin: {I thought we'd take pictures after we finished. Commemorate the triumph.}

*Adorable Baby Panda triggers the flash, and Shadow Thief is momentarily blinded, and shifts out of his 2-D form. So ABP takes the opportunity to throw the camera at him, breaking his nose. Shadow Thief howls, and clutches his nose. The camera ricochets away and smashes into a tombstone.*

Calvin: *screeches to a stop* {My camera! Oh, if you wanted to hit him with something, you could have said so!} *grabs branch from nearby tree, hits still dazed Shadow Thief repeatedly* {See, I could have just done that if you'd asked.} *glumly picks up busted camera* {Aw, my camera.}

*A police squad car pulls up*

First Cop: Hey there, sir, do you or the baby panda need any help?

ABP: No sir, well maybe. See, we caught Shadow Thief, but we aren't sure what to do with him.

Second Cop: Hey Jerry, check it out! They did catch Shadow Thief, with a bag full of jewels no less!

First Cop (Jerry): Well, you know the drill, Claire, we have to deactivate his Dimensionometer and get that suit off before he regains consciousness.

Second Cop (Claire): Right. Let's see, it's usually stored in the belt. *searches, turns a knob, small click is audible* Got it.

Jerry: Great. *Turns to ABP and Calvin* So what are the two of you doing here?

ABP: Well sir, we're looking for a criminal called Satana. She's hurt some of my family, and I'm going to make her sorry.

Calvin: {First, can I say I'm impressed with how calmly you're taking the talking panda? Second, yeah, stumbling across Shadow Thief was a fluke. Or a contrivance.}

Claire: *holding the Dimensionometer* Around here, talking pandas aren't that unusual. As for Satana, you're not gonna find her here, but she's close. She's robbing a bank with four of her hench creatures over in the financial district. We were on our way there, but it looks like we'll need to drop Shadow Thief off at the station. We could give you a ride part way, though, if you'd like.

ABP: Thank you so much officers. *ABP and Calvin hop in the backseat, and unconscious Shadow Thief slumped in the seat next to them.*

Calvin: Jeez, all the super-criminals decided to steal stuff at the same time? Is that normal?

Claire: Sometimes, but I guess they went for it tonight because word got out Hawkman's having a battle with some heavily-armed guy in a red body stocking that won't shut up. *Calvin and ABP tense up a little* They're probably all taking advantage of Hawkman being busy.

Jerry: And Hawkgirl's probably off saving the world with the Justice League, so I'm glad some other costumed vigilantes showed up to help. *looks back at ABP and Calvin* You guys are costumed vigilantes, right?

Calvin: {Sure, absolutely. My lack of a costume actually is my costume, for I am Ordinary Guy. This is my talking animal sidekick/comedy relief Appealing To The Cuteness Demographic Panda!} *Pause* {We're new on the scene, but we've handled plenty of tough villains, so no worries. By the by, could I keep Shadow Thief's cool sword? It could be handy.}

Claire: *Doubtfully* I don't know. . .

Jerry: Oh, let him keep it Claire. We always let Hawkman keep any weapons he wants from the perps.

Claire: Only because he's less irritating when he's crowing about what vintage the weapons are than when he's telling me to make him a sandwich, or crying over Hawkgirl. Sure, keep the sword. Just don't tell anyone where you got it, agreed?

Calvin: {No worries, officers.} *deeper, more heroic voice* {You can count on us!}

Claire: *rolls eyes* Great. Say, you wouldn't happen to know someone named Deadpool, would you?

Calvin: *Calvin and ABP both visibly blanch* {No, absolutely not. Why?}

Claire: That's what the lunatic fighting Hawkman calls himself, and well, we'd never heard of him. I thought maybe, since you were new to the city, he might be your arch-enemy, and he ran into Hawkman while hunting you down.

Calvin: {Oh no, no, no, no. We certainly don't know anyone named Deadpool. We haven't been in the business long enough to accumulate arch-enemies. Which isn't to say we haven't tried, it's just everyone seems to want to be Superman's enemy. Or Batman's, or one of the other big guns. None of the new villains realize they need to start out feuding with a new hero, then work their way up to the big-names. I mean, the A-list heroes already have like fifty arch-foes, you know? They don't have space on their card for another, super-strong, super-tough guy to fight.}

Jerry: I hear ya.

*dispatch radio crackles to life* (To all cars, there are reported sightings of the Monocle destroying a bank down the block from Satana. Any units not already occupied, please respond.)

Jerry: Geez, it never ends. Dispatch, this is 3-William-56, we have to drop Shadow Thief off at our precinct, but we've got a couple of heroes with us who are gonna take down Satana, so backup will be in the area. Copy?

Dispatch: (Copy that. Drop off Shadow Thief, then head to one of those ongoing crimes immediately.)

Jerry: *brings police car to a halt at a T-Junction. Down the street to their right, the sounds of screams, explosions, and alarms can be heard, and flames cast a glow into the night sky.* Here we are, you think the two of you can handle this?

ABP: *salutes, hops out of the car* Yes sir! We'll bring both their rampages to a halt!

Calvin: *steps out of car* {Sure, we can handle it. We'll have to deal with them one at a time, but if you need assistance with the Monocle, we'll be there as soon as possible. Thanks for the sword.} *Jerry and Claire speed off to deliver Shadow Thief to a cell. As soon as they're out of sight, ABP bonks Calvin on the head.*

Calvin: *inexplicably speaking in a lousy Cockney accent* {'Ey, what the bleedin' hell what that for?}

ABP: You lied to the police! We aren't heroes, and we do so know Deadpool!

Calvin: {What do you mean we aren't heroes? Satana is committing crimes, and we're gonna stop her, right? Like heroes would. As for the Deadpool thing, the back of a police car is not the place to confess you're friends with the guy causing massive property damage fighting with the local super-hero. Now let's do this before I lose my nerve.} *hefting the sword, Calvin starts nervously towards the explosions*

ABP: *pauses to consider Calvin's words* I guess that makes sense. But after we stop the baddies, we tell the cops the truth! *Follows Calvin down the street.* I hope Deadpool is alright.

*Deadpool is sort of alright. Fortunately, Hawkman's tendency to solve problems by stabbing and hitting them is not terribly effective against someone with a healing factor of Deadpool's caliber, which Hawkman is learning. He met Deadpool's initial attacking leap by grabbing his harness flying two stories up, and piledriving Wade's head into the sidewalk. For good measure, he proceeded to stab Deadpool's torso - sticking helplessly out of the ground - several times. To his consternation, Deadpool extracted his head from the hole, rose to his feet, made a comment about the sharpness of Hawkman's sword, then kicked him in the stomach. Hawkman responded by swinging his mace and removing Deadpool's lower jaw.*

Deadpool: [My 'aw! Eye an't awk! An' 'ow 'ill Eye eat 'ettle 'orn!?] *Unleashes a spinning slash at Hawkman, cutting the harness that keeps the Nth metal attached, causing Hawkman to fall forward a bit, leading him directly into the roundhouse kick Wade used the centripetal force of the Spin Attack to use. Hawkman takes the kick right in the throat. While he gasps for breath, Deadpool picks up and reattaches his lower jaw.*

Deadpool: [Let's see if everything's working. Chimichanga, What is love, baby don't hurt me! Alright, we're back on the air! But for that one, you're going back into the unloved video game box in the attic, Kid Icarus!] *Kicks Hawkman in the face, then stabs him in the leg.*

Hawkman: Od's blood, you cur! Such foul strikes will not be enough to end me! And even if you do succeed, I will return, stronger than you can comprehend, until you are defeated!

Deadpool: [Sure, sure Alec Guinness, go bye now.] *Draws moderately sized automatic pistol.*

Hawkman: *charges forward, grabs Deadpool's unusually small ankle, and swings his head into a lamp post.* I never surrender! *Throws Deadpool through the window of an antiquities store* You'll have no more success defeating me with your strange weapons, than did the Hyksos with their chariots^.

Deadpool: *throws piece of antique pottery at Hawkman in response* [I'm sorry, did I stumble onto PBS without realizing it?] *Hefts vase*

Hawkman: No, not that one! Shiera and I excavated that in Outer Mongolia in the 1930s! Oh, Shiera, why can't we make it work this time? *falls to knees sobbing*

Deadpool: [Because you got your mack on with Power Girl? Because you're crazier than I am? Enough with the multiple personality garbage! Jim Starlin said it was all a bunch of continuity junk anyway!]

Hawkman: *Head snaps up* Starlin? STARLIN! *Grabs mace in one hand, sword in the other, charges Deadpool* STARLINNNNNNN^^! *Hawkman falls into a berserker mode, swinging both weapons with wild abandon, screaming about how much he liked the "endlessly resurrected" continuity patch he had. Deadpool is battered under the onslaught. Suddenly, the Merc with a Mouth leaps backwards, plants a foot against the wall, and as Hawkman rushes forward, vaults into the air above Hawkman, landing with both feet squarely on the enraged warrior's head. Hawkman's face meets the floor violently as a result.*

Deadpool: [I call that Koopa Stomp Style, so you can tell all your friends how you got beat down. Now what is your problem?]

Hawkman: *Remarkably, having his face driven into the floor makes him calmer* I was investigating a crazy man firing a gun into the air and frightening the populace, namely, you.

Deadpool: [Would you believe I was celebrating Chinese New Year?]

Hawkman: Chinese New Year? At this time of year? In this town? With firearms?

Deadpool: [Is it not time here yet? Oh, I always get confused when I cross the International date line. Is it a day ahead, or a day behind, I can never remember, and you can't afford to go carelessly throwing away time. . .]

Hawkman: *growing angry* Will you stop that chatter, and tell me why you're here?!

Deadpool: [I'm trying to help a little furry friend of mine take care of a bad egg that hangs out here. She's called Satana, and she hurt some of his family. Don't know where my little buddy went though, Mr. Howell.]

Hawkman: I'd heard she was on the loose again. Let me get my wings, and I'll help you find your friend. *Turns to walk out of the store. Deadpool follows.*

Deadpool: [Thanks, Mr. Wilson, you're the greatest! By the way, about Power Girl. How does she feel about morally ambiguous mercs with a lotta love to give, but hideously ugly faces?]

Hawkman: She's not a fan.

Deadpool: *Removes something from a belt pouch, drops it on the ground.* [Oh, darn. Should have figured. How does she feel about grenades?] *steps away from Hawkman quickly*

Hawkman: Grenades? I don't think she likes those, either. Why are you. . . *looks down at his feet, sees live grenade* Oh, you little punk - KABOOM!

Deadpool: [And now to find my friends, the villain, and wrap all this up. After I get some sleep. So tomorrow then. Or maybe Friday, since I've got work the next few days. But soon.]

^ Yeah, I know, the Hyksos did conquer Egypt, but maybe they hadn't by Hawkman's time. I'm trying to establish that Hawkman is swinging wildly between varying personalities. Yes, I'm doing a poor job of it, I know.

^^ I keep worrying I'm going to mistype and spell "Stalin". Which might be interesting, and I imagine Hawkman wouldn't have been a fan of Joseph Stalin's, but it would probably confuse the issue.

Don't Say We Lack Follow-Through

Last December, Adorable Baby Panda swore to teach Satana a lesson about experimenting on pandas, despite the fact she already operates in Hawkman's town of St. Roch. Deadpool accompanied him for money, and after some deliberation, Calvin went along as well. This is their story.

*Night, Calvin walks down a mostly deserted sidewalk, Adorable Baby Panda sitting on his shoulder. Calvin stays in the shadows of the buildings, Following Adorable Baby Panda's directions on when and where to move.*

Adorable Baby Panda (ABP): I didn't think you'd come with us, Calvin.

Calvin: {Well, I expect it won't be long until Deadpool gets distracted and I didn't want you wandering around here on your own.}

ABP: Maybe he should walk next to us then, instead of on the other side of the street.

Calvin: {I think it's better if we don't get too bunched together. Also, Wade's not exactly stealthy.}

ABP: He's doing alright, he's even staying in the shadows, like we are. *Pause* Is he carrying a trashcan?

Calvin: *Peers across street* {Yes.}

ABP: Why?

*Just then, a pedestrian approaches Deadpool. He quickly removes the trashcan from his back and sets it on the sidewalk, He then raises the lid, jumps in, and replaces the lid on top of the can. The pedestrian, observing all this, walks swiftly past Deadpool, keeping both eyes on the garbage receptacle, while giving it a wide berth. After the pedestrian passes, the lid raises slightly, balanced on Deadpool's head, as he looks first one way, then the other. Observing Calvin and ABP watching him, he sticks a hand out of the can to give a thumbs up.*

Calvin: {Because he couldn't find a suitable cardboard box to use?}

ABP: Huh?

Calvin: {Never mind} *The pair observe Deadpool deftly leap out of the trashcan from a crouch, and land neatly next to it, the lid still balanced on his head* {Have to admit, that was pretty nimble. If I tried that, I'd just land on my face.}

ABP: Yeah, you would.

Calvin: *glaring at ABP* {Anyway, let's keep moving. Do we have some way of finding Satana?} You had us come here, even though she was caught by Power Girl and Terra in New York.}

ABP: She isn't in jail anymore. She escaped, with her experiments. So we'll find her that way.

Calvin: *pauses* {We talking magic, or some technologically marvelous tracking device?}

ABP: I can kind of sense him, but it's hard, he's not a panda anymore on the inside. If we get close enough, I can probably smell him.

Calvin: *Calvin, ABP, and Deadpool enter more brightly lit historical district. Deadpool continues to hop into his trashcan at the first sign of a passerby, a car, or if he just wants to leap out and scare a cat.* {So we're not reliant on another plot contrivance?}

ABP: What do you mean?

Calvin: {You know, like you being able to find Kirby to help find me, or somehow contacting Clint Barton to help with the Flying Castle Incident, or my Thanos card being left behind where you and Wade could find it, even though I confronted Overused Kirby Creation with it in his domain.}

ABP: You mean lucky breaks?

Calvin: {Sure, yeah, let's call them that.}

ABP: Well, we can always use a lucky break. Maybe she'll try and commit a crime tonight. That would make it easier.

Deadpool: [Hey, are you guys swapping expository dialogue over there? I want in! "Just then Deadpool decided to make an advance on the classy older woman exiting the jazz-themed kaffee klatch down the street. 'Well hello there, wanna eat some tacos', he said, as she stared in horror." Hey, quit screaming, it's hard for me to talk over that, unless I SPEAK LOUDER! YOU CAN'T MATCH THE PIPES THAT ARE 3-TIME KARAOKE CHAMP OF THE WEAPON X REUNION BANQUET!]

Calvin: *ignoring Wade* {What if Hawkman is there? He might not approve of you meting out justice as you see fit. He tends to hit things he doesn't approve of. When he's not stabbing them.}

Deadpool: [DEADPOOL FIRES HIS SPIFFY GUN INTO THE AIR, HOPING THAT WILL CALM HIS FUTURE HONEY, BUT FINDS HE MUST TALK EVEN LOUDER TO HEAR HIMSELF OVER THE GUNFIRE!!]

ABP: Something will take care of that for us. Besides isn't he dead?

Calvin: *Turns down dark alley, walking away from Deadpool* {From Final Crisis or Blackest Night? I mean, of course from Final Crisis, since Blackest Night won't start for several months, as this is December of 2008. Who knows? Last I heard he was in outer space, and even if he does die, he'll probably reincarnate. You sensing anything?}

ABP: Not really.

*Somewhere above them*: KEER^!

Calvin: {Aw crap.} *Turns and runs back to the mouth of the alley. Then, whispering loudly* {Wade, get out of sight! Seriously, quit screwing around!}

Deadpool: *The woman has long since fled, but he's still firing his gun into the air.* [WHAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THIS GUNFIRE! I OUGHT TO STOP, BUT IT'S SO FUN! I DON'T GET TO HAVE FUN LIKE THIS AT MARVEL ANYMORE! HEY, A GIANT BIRD PERSON WITH MEDIEVAL WEAPONS! DID I STUMBLE INTO A ROLE-PLAYING TOURNAMENT?! DIE NERD!] *levels gun at Hawkman*

*Hawkman issues a guttural, incomprehensible bellow, and slices the gun in half with a sword.*

Deadpool: [I liked that gun! It had a laser sight, made cool flashes when it fired, and was perfectly balanced!]

Hawkman: *Speaking calmly, precisely* Listen citizen, while I respect your right - and enthusiasm - about bearing arms, you are in violation of St. Roch's civil code 2834.53, causing a public disturbance, and discharging a firearm in an unsafe manner.

Deadpool: [I am a fully-certified, fully-registered superhuman agent of the United States government, just like the law requires, which means I can do what I want, like Mark Millar writing an event book. I have a badge and everything. Now where is that badge] *begins searching numerous pockets*

Hawkman: Registered? The government doesn't require us to register! You're an assassin, working for the government to kill any heroes that don't toe the line aren't you?!

Deadpool: [Didn't I just say that? Wait, you aren't registered? Then that means I'ma have to kick your feathered rear end,and don't think I won't because I even tried to arrest Captain America, and I'll stuff you like a Thanksgiving turkey. Except instead of stuffing, I'll use pineapples. Wonderful, exploding pineapples. Expensive, but totally worth it for clearing out all those fat, stupid relatives over the holidays, like the aunt who always wants you to wear a white shirt, and I look terrible in white, really more of a red man myself, with maybe some ochre and pewter thrown in. . .]

Hawkman: Shut your gob, you stinking cutthroat. I'll string your guts throughout Anubis' realm! *lunges forward*

Deadpool: [Well, Crom, and decapitation, and saucy wenches to you too.] *draws swords, leaps forward.*

*Hidden in the alley across the street, ABP and Calvin have observed the deteriorating situation.*

ABP: We should keep looking for Satana.

Calvin: {Agreed. Can't imagine she'll be stupid enough to show up around here.} *they turn and head back into the alley, towards the dead side of town.*

^ It's a generally accepted method of spelling the call of a Red-Tailed Hawk, if that helps.

To be continued tomorrow. Really, I mean it. I will totally not leave this story hanging the way I did that one back in May.

I Am Not Surprised By This Turn Of Events

So I walk to the mailbox today, a little before 11. Joyous day, there's a piece of paper telling me there's a package awaiting me at the post office! It must be my comics from the last two Wednesdays! Hurrah! I hustle back here, hop in my ride, burn rubber to the post office. Except, well, it's closed. In the podunk town I currently reside near, they shut down their post office at 9:30 on Saturday mornings, though there's no way the mail carrier arrived earlier than that, so I never had a chance. Of course they'll be closed on Sunday, so I can't pick it up then, and Monday is Labor Day, so I'm stuck with this piece of paper telling em all about a package I can't get at until Tuesday.

Exactly how I figured it would go when I remembered Labor Day was coming up, meaning no mail delivery. Which is not to say that my prescience made me any less irritated. I was really wanting to enjoy those comics over my long weekend (which would have been 4 days with or without Labor Day, because of the 10 days on, 4 days off work schedule I have). Vexing, is what it is. Best laid plans, shot to hell by the ack-ack fire of life in the middle of nowhere.

So the post isn't all me griping about stuff, I include the cover from Amazing Spider-Man #283. I mentioned it in the comments of one of Sallyp's posts, so I might as well provide evidence. For the record, it isn't a particularly good issue, and I usually love issues where Spidey fights people completely out of his weight class.

It's so disjointed. At one point, Spidey is fighting Titania, who has overcome her fear of him to protect the Absorbing Man, who took a dive against Spider-Man precisely to provoke that reaction. So there's a panel where they're sort of grappling, Titania's at least holding her own (and really, Spidey is probably trying to figure out how he'll find enough in his tank to beat her), when the Absorbing Man shouts something. The next panel is a full page shot of him lifting a plane over his head, telling Spidey to let her go or else. Somehow, in the span of time it took Crusher to finish his sentence, Spidey's beaten her to the point she's barely conscious and he's holding her up by her hair, which seems kind of un-Spider-Man like, honestly. It's whiplash inducing.

The Ghost Diplomat

One of the first things I did when I received my PS2 was to look over the list of available games on Sony's website, and write down any game that even sounded interesting. I've tried this with my other consoles in the past and sometimes it doesn't work, and sometimes it does. I'm not very far yet, but I think Echo Night Beyond is going to be one that works.

You have journeyed to a base on the Moon with your fiance, Claudia. The shuttle crashed, and you wake up in the shuttle (in your space suit), with your lady missing, and the words 'Go to the facility' scrawled on the back of the seat in front of you. Your lady also left her "promise ring" behind. You head towards the exits, and quickly run into a ghost, sitting on the floor, lost, confused, wanting his flask. You find it, give it to him, he drinks, and vanishes.

From what I can see, that's what the game will consist of, you trying to help ghosts find peace as you try to find your beloved. 'Course, it can't always be easy. There's a fog that permeates certain sectors of the base, and ghosts you encounter there won't be friendly. They'll attack, whether because they're angry or because they can't communicate what they want, I don't know. Either way, until you remove that fog, you aren't going to be able to help them, because their presence causes your heart rate to go bonkers, and if you don't change things*, your heart rate keeps climbing until it gives out. One upshot is there are monitor rooms throughout the complex, which you can use to scope out areas ahead of time. Also, the camera will pick up green imprints that are invisible to the naked eye, and if you zoom in, it triggers some spectral flashback.

There's also an android wandering the complex, and as you help ghosts, he paints their picture on the walls of his room. Why? He doesn't know, and neither do I. Personally, I think I'm heading to a Sixth Sense twist ending. I found a monthly report log, and the last report comes from 2040, 4 ago. If things had gone to hell like this 4 years ago, why would they have waited so long to send people? Actually, there's no evidence my character had any idea something was wrong, because he and Claudia were heading there to be married on the Moon (at least, that's what the instruction booklet says)**. Also, when you first meet the android, he knows you, but that's it's been quite awhile since you've been around. Yet the character doesn't act as though he knows the android***.

I figure we were headed to the Moon in 2040 when it all went bad, we died, and my character will realize this when he finds his wife's ghost and presents the promise ring to her, helping her find peace, and doing so will provide him with the peace that lets them move on together. I guess we'll see if I'm right.

* You can flee the room, clear the fog so the ghost calms down, or take a sedative, if you have one.

** They must be rich if they can afford to fly to the Moon just to get hitched.

** To the extent you can tell. If there's a way to get air in the complex, I haven't found it, so I'm still wearing my suit, and you can't see my face through the visor.

The Language Hoops They Jump Through

Rewatching Azumanga Daioh again this week, partly for kicks, partly to study it some more. This time, though, I'm watching it in English. The previous two times I watched it in Japanese with the subtitles. The first time there wasn't an option, since it was a fan-subtitled version of the episode in Japanese, and the second time, well, I was used to watching it in Japanese*.

One of the things I wanted to see was how the English voice actors would handle the characters interacting with foreigners. See, the girls are high school students in Japan, and one of their classes is English, so there are a few occasions where they meet someone they have to try and speak English to, because that person doesn't speak Japanese. And because they've been speaking Japanese so smoothly up until then, they struggle to find the right words in English feels believable. But if the characters are already speaking English easily, you can't have them meet someone else who speaks English and have them suddenly not know how to say something.

The answer was to change the language the foreigners speak, which I suppose is obvious. Interestingly, they seem to use a little of all sorts of European languages. When Kagura sees a guy struggling to carry his heavy luggage, she tries to communicate with comments like "Helpo with your luggage-o", and I know she switched to German at one point because I heard her say "helfen".

The other thing they did was change Yukari from strictly an English teacher to a 'language expert'. It's kind of funny, because part of me thinks they could have just flipped it, and had the "foreigners" speak Japanese, and the English voice actors could appear to struggle with that, mirroring the Japanese voice actors "difficulties" with English. But I guess the problem would be that even though the characters would be speaking English, we'd know they were Japanese and fluent in Japanese, so the idea they couldn't speak that, even though we hadn't heard them do so throughout the series, wouldn't wash. Thus, they have to struggle with Spanish or Italian.

The other thing I found interesting is that Osaka, in the English version, has a distinct Texas accent, which sounds very different from all the other characters. It makes me wonder how different an Osakan accent is from a Tokyo one, since I couldn't tell a distinct difference when watching the Japanese version. Also, it amuses me that they decided to equate Osaka with Texas. I guess it makes sense, as the students describe Osakans as being brash, loud, enjoying spicy food, and not shy about breaking rules (with the joke being "Osaka" is none of those things).

* Typically, whatever version I watch first, that's what I prefer to stick with. So Japanese for Excel Saga and Scryed, English for stuff like Trigun.

How Best To Protect The Crowd In A Battle

Back to Power Girl #4 for a moment. Right before they start dealing with the magical attack on the bridge, Power Girl tells Terra to protect the civilians as they flee, while she goes and hits the monsters. Terra objects to be placed on crowd patrol, because she wants to hit things too. Power Girl responds that she's the one who hits things, while Terra's the one who saves people, and that people will like her more for them.

Looking at the first part of that final sentence, I find it kind of interesting that Power Girl sees herself that way. She doesn't see herself as a lifesaver, but as a fighter. Except fighting giant monsters does save lives. Plus, she restarted her company, and it's all about ideas that are supposed to have practical applications to make people's lives better. And, she didn't simply trounce the villain behind the troll outbreak, she offered her a job where she can channel her energy without causing property damage. Hopefully. If it works, she keeps that girl from falling into a cycle of being tossed in jail, escaping and embarking on another destructive crusade, only to be tossed in jail again, and so on. She's stepped in before the young lady winds up as warped as Ultra-Humanite. I'd say that counts as saving a life. I wonder why she doesn't see it that way*.

The second part is kind of interesting too. People will like you more for escorting them to safety, than if you go fight the baddies. I can sort of see the logic in that. If you're there with the crowd, they know you're protecting them, whereas if you fly right at the monster and start punching, they might think it's just another mindless super-brawl, and that no one concerned cares about the regular Joe. Though that's more the mindset of a Marvel citizen, it does exist in DC, albeit in smaller quantities**.

On the other hand, if the hero is near the crowd, that means they expect the threat to get near the crowd as well. I think I'd prefer the hero go fight the threat some place far away from me, and I'll try and escape on my own.

* There's always the possibility she was just using that as a way to get Terra to stop arguing with her and go protect the crowd. She figures if she makes crowd protection sound better, Terra won't feel as bothered that she's left in charge of it.

** Morrison used it in his first JLA arc, where the disguised Martians started fixing everything, and some people told Superman they wanted heroes to do more than just fight.

Everyone Else Chipped In, So. . .

Disney bought Marvel. I really want to make a joke here about how Bendis will soon turn the Magic Kingdom into the Noir Neighborhood, 'cause why figure out how write magic well when you can just dump it in favor of gritty crime stuff, but I suppose that's assigning power to the wrong side.

Economics isn't an area I know particularly much about so I can't really assess what this means for Marvel Comics, and what it means for Disney doesn't matter terribly much to me. I've read that Disney may barely acknowledge Marvel even publishes comics, or that they'll acknolwedge them but not interfere, like how they leave Pixar alone, or that they'll only butt out if Marvel's really successful, or that they're going to be heavy-handed and we should expect to see the effects of their ownership right away. A full spectrum of speculation, really. Perhaps we could form up armies under each banner and do battle, with each faction assigned a different color. Then all the senior citizens will get cranky because we're distrubing their naps, and march out to attack us all.

I've lost the thread again.

I wonder if this would lead to greater creativity in terms of the comics Marvel releases. I'm guessing they'll have some sort of financial support from the Disney corporation, so they could afford to take more chances on comic projects, because even if it doesn't sell well, I don't think it would be such a huge financial loss as to hurt Disney. Not as long as they can pump out the Spidey merchandise. So it could be freeing, because there'd be a greater buffer if you failed than there was before. I know Marvel made most of its revenue from merchandise and movies and such, but I'd think they were still showing less profit than Disney, so they still might have stuck more frequently to things they felt had a good chance of succeeding. So maybe a bigger attempt to revive certain areas (for some reason I thought of western comics), or aiming more comics for younger audiences (though they've stripped down the Marvel Adventures line lately), or trying some other kinds of stories that I'm not even thinking of.

I suppose it's more likely Disney would add another level of people investigating what projects are being proposed, with possibly a different set of criteria, which might constrain things even further. And there's always the possibility there won't be any changes at all. I don't know how the probabilities of those three compare to one another.

This Could Keep Building On Itself Endlessly

Taskmaster has some peculiar condition that lets him learn any sort of physical motion simply by watching it. He doesn't even have to practice it; he just watches, then repeats. Simple.

At some point, to expand his array of skills, he procured footage of various hero types doing their flippy, jumpy, fighty thing, and watched it, picking up all sorts of cool moves from Captain America, Daredevil, and so on. If he watches the footage on fast forward, he can even use the moves at that speed for brief periods of time, assuming he's not already too worn down.

I was mulling that over at work this morning, during some down time, and I started thinking about the limits of that ability. If Taskmaster video recorded himself watching footage of say, Iron Fist, then watched the video of himself on fast forward, could he copy his own ability to copy moves, only at an even greater speed? Normally, he has to see the entire move before he can copy it, but perhaps this way he could perceive what the move was going to be the moment the person he's observing/fighting even starts to move, let alone even really start the attack. He could mirror their move back at them even as they were unleashing it upon him.

Then I thought that perhaps observing himself copying people could cause some sort of exponential increase in his ability, as though it removed block, and he could then read a person's intentions or emotions based on body language. Not telepathy, more like what Cassandra Cain has, which is really an amped up version of what Taskmaster has*.

* Sort of. Reading the Kelley Puckett issues, Cassandra can certainly perceive a wider array of things from a person than Taskmaster, but he's been portrayed as being able to learn a person's entire fighting style from one move, whereas I know Batman said it took him 5 minutes to teach Cass stick fighting. Admittedly, that's really fast, but not quite the same as "You executed a back flip into a double foot smash to the face; I know now every move you'll make". Then again, you can flummox both their abilities if you're crazy; see Cass against the Joker and Tasky against Deadpool.

Factoring Your Expectations Into it

One blog I make a point to read everyday is Joe Posnanski's. I happen to like his style of writing, because I think he's capable of critiquing something without being cruel about it. So two days ago he posts about how this year's Royals team is the worst one he's seen since he started covering them. In the course of explaining this*, he brings up something he's described on his blog before, his Movie Plus/Minus Scale.

He doesn't act as though he invented this, since he feels (and I agree) that most people do this. Namely, they grade a movie not based solely on how good or bad it was, but on how good or bad they expected it to be. So if they expected a solid movie (as Posnanski did with Toys that he figured for a +2.5), and are disappointed, then the movie seems even worse. He goes into all that because it's part of his explanation for calling this Royals' squad the worst he's covered.

This concept can obviously be applied to comics as well. For example, I didn't have high expectations for the current Deadpool series, and so the seires seems better to me than it probably is, though Way has pretty much resisted creating a supporting cast, and several of his plots have been light. But it makes me laugh, and I can follow the plots, so hey, it exceeded my expectations!

I've been trying to think of a comic that would work the opposite way for me. I'd say that when I was younger I probably thought Maximum Carnage was going to be great. I can't remember that for certain, but it seems like the sort of stupid thing I'd think when I was that age. There have been a few series in the last few years that everyone was raving about, and I'd be expecting something incredible, and find something I thought was merely good. I can't point at Civil War, because I don't know that I was ever high on it. I think Annihilation: Conquest would be a minus. Not a huge one, because I figured it wouldn't match Annihilation (which would be one that wildly exceeded expectations, because I had none for it when I bought Annihilation: Prologue), but it wasn't quite as cool as I thought it could be. The last three issues of Kevin Smith's Spider-Man/Black Cat mini-series would probably be a large minus. I had some positive expectations, because I'd enjoyed the first 3 issues, but by the time we learn the new origin Smith is sticking Felicia with, the reality was a big negative.

So I'll ask you, what was a series (or event) that wound being a lot better than you thought it would be, and what disappointed you terribly?

* And he has to explain it, because sadly the Royals have several lousy teams, and you can't simply proclaim one the worst without justifying it.

A Game Redminding Us Of The Value Of Maintaining Supply Lines

Nowadays, when I'm not working, or doing any of the other myriad activities I while away the time with, I find some time to play some games. Having received a PS2 relatively recently (last couple of years), there's a massive game library out there for it, and I've been grabbing any game that looks good now, lest I not be able to find it later. So I'm in the cycle of trying to beat a dozen games simultaneously these days, so the progress I make is sometimes limited. And if the gameplay itself seems to be what's limiting me, well, that's not going to help my disposition.

Which brings me to Dark Cloud. At this point I've put in less than 5 hours on the game, but part of that owes to the beginning being frustrating. A genie flies over a village and nearly destroys everything, except some helpful, elderly fairy saves everyone and everything by storing them in giant capsules. For some reason, he then decided the best place to put said capsules was in a cave full of monsters. I guess senility is a problem for mystical creatures as well. I'm playing as the typical adolescent hero who winds up with the responsibility of venturing into said cave, recovering those capsules, and restoring the village. I imagine I'll eventually have to defeat the genie, but that's a long way off.

So into the cave/dungeon I go. Now, Dark Cloud does a few things I'm not really accustomed to. For one, health doesn't just decline when a monster smacks you. You have a thirst meter, and if you go too long without water, your health starts plummeting. There are springs scattered through the cave, but no guarantee there's one around when you need it*, so you have to bring water with you. Also, your weapon will gradually wear down with use. There's a helpful meter to warn you how close you are to that happening. If you aren't careful, the weapon breaks, and if you keep using it, the weapon is destroyed and lost forever. You can fix your weapons with Repair Powder, so in theory you can keep going.

The trick is, in the early going, you receive supplies from the mayor**. He only provides the bare minimum, so one bag of Repair Powder, maybe a single bottle of water. So once you run out, you have to leave, get him to cough up some more supplies, and then go back in. It's makes for a rather herky-jerky progress, as I find myself at times trying to avoid any fights while I search desperately for either a spring, or better yet the key to the next level so I can make a little more progress. I imagine my trail would look similar to early European exploration of the Great Plains: A bunch of excursions that travel out a little way, realize there's nothing to replenish supplies, and a hasty retreat back home.

So on the one hand, I think it's a nice touch, because those are things that an actual heroic explorer would have to concern themselves with, but on the other hand, it's a pain to actually deal with. Also, certain levels of the cave have special rules. So I've gained a partner, and one level specified that only she could be used. Other levels won't let you switch or repair weapons. Not really sure what the game designers thought that contributed.

For some reason I've yet to learn, a person I believe is from the future is trying to take the little device you used to open the capsules and restore the village. He's one of those "You're not worthy of it" types, which I guess makes me the Guy Gardner to his Parallax-influenced Hal. And this guy does switch from being calm to red-eyed and hyper-aggressive, so there's definitely some possession going on.

One nifty aspect of the game is that you're responsible for putting the town back together. You have all the pieces, so you put them where you like. That includes houses, trees, rivers, roads, etc. Once a house is placed, you can add the people that lived there (if you've found them), and talk to them about what their house needs, or get some ideas on how to rebuild the village. Though the ideas for the village usually involve things that only pertain to them, so one lady desn't want her house near the mayor's because he likes to tinker with inventions. I don't think you have to accomodate them, but you can if you'd like. If you can completely restore their houses, they'll give you a gift. I've already realized I'm not much of a city planner, and I'm starting to worry about how many more homes there can be, as space is growing scarce. I guess I'll just tear down the trees, fill in the pond, and dam up the river, and I'm sure that will solve all the problems forever. Who needs water and trees, right?

* Unrelated, but also irritating. Every time you visit a particular level of the cave, it's layout changes. So just because there was a spring there last time, doesn't mean there will be when you return.

** The Mayor is cheap. I've reached the point where I found the capsule containing the village trader, and his trading wagons, so he's set up shop. Now the Mayor won't hook me up at all, telling me I can't rely on him forever. Oh, well in that case, how about he goes in the damn cave and rescue his constituents?! He can't rely on me forever. The stingy bastard.

I'm Never Quite Sure What Will Entertain Me

I have a few wallpapers I could have picked to lead the post with, but I went with this one because a) it makes me laugh, and b) I actually know where I found it, so I can properly credit its creator (my old IBook was always very good about recording the web address I saved an image from, but I've not figured out how to get my PC to divulge such information). So, the wallpaper comes from Desktop Anime, for the record.

A month ago I picked up a box set of Azumanga Daioh, as I enjoyed it when I watched fan subtitled episodes years ago, and I figured I ought to get around to actually paying some money for some DVDs. I've spent some of my evenings this week watching it again, and I wanted to start laying out some thoughts on it.

The series is based on the comic by Kiyohiko Azuma, who went on to create the comic Yotsuba!, which I've seen receive some fine reviews around the old comics blogowhatchamafloogle. I haven't seen nearly as much about Azumanga Daioh, though whether that's because I'm not looking in the right place, because it's an older work and so most discussion of it passed a couple of years ago, or because it just wasn't as good and so didn't garner as much attention, I don't know. Some of the reviews I've read about Yotsuba! have lead me to think it might be the third one, as I know Chris Sims read that first, then went back and tried AD and didn't quite dig it as much. I haven't read Yotsuba!*, so I can't compare the two qualitatively.

Azumanga Daioh is unique amongst animes I've actually watched all the way through, due to its complete lack of sword fighting, shooting, giant robots, people screaming while they power up in impressive colors, or anything like that. It's mostly a comedy, so its closest comp amongst series I watch is probably Excel Saga, but that series is considerably more, insane? Unfocused (intentionally, I think)? AD follows six girls (and a couple of their teachers) as they progress through their first, second, and third years of high school up to graduation.

The series starts by introducing us to Chiyo, who is 10-year old prodigy who was bumped up to high school. Chiyo is smart, cheerful, polite, a little naive, and frequently cute to an extent I'd expect someone to harness that cuteness as a weapon**. It could destroy civilizations***. She reminds me a little of myself at that age (though I wasn't bright enough to skip the 5th-9th grades) in that she's terrified of letting down or disobeying her teachers (forgetting to finish homework causes her to nearly break into tears). Chiyo's friendly nature means that she serves as the facilitator for many of the characters to start hanging out together, since she makes friends with Sakaki, the quiet loner that everyone is too impressed/intimidated by to approach, and Ayumu Kasuga, who just transferred in from Osaka (and is thus slapped with that for a nickname), and has to deal with being the new kid in school (plus she's a bit of a space case). So the group gradually forms around her, and things proceed from there.

Azuma takes advantage of the repetitive nature of life in school to use certain events as the basis for multiple episodes. So there are two episodes based on the annual culture festival, three on the similarly annual sports fest, and three about the group taking trips to Chiyo's summer home over their vacation. I think that's actually a good idea, because there are certain episodes that I feel lack any sort of connecting thread. Those seem to be more of a loose collection of short stories, grouped into a single episode. Which also works, they're usually amusing, but wouldn't work if you tried to stretch them over the length of an entire episode. The episodes with a common thread will also jump a bit, but they do have a greater sense of interconnectivity. So the series can change its pacing from episode to episode, which can keep things feeling a bit fresher.

OK, the humor. I remember that Sims, while discussing the manga, said that jokes had a tendency to hang there unfinished, as though there was no punchline. I think a discussion started up in the comments about whether this was a case of Sims not understanding Japanese humor, which I take it is not identical to American humor, but I don't know if any conclusions were reached. There are times watching where I'm left befuddled as to why characters react as they do, but the series delivers enough broad physical humor (usually in the form of hyperactive Tomo doing something over-the-top), or bizarre non-sequiters (that'd be Osaka's department) that I still find myself laughing quite a bit. Really, all the characters at times behave in either a silly enough, or angry enough fashion to provide some hilarity.

More serious moments occur occasionally, especially near the end, when the kids start realizing that once they graduate, they're all going their separate ways****. I know that bit hit me hard the first time I watched it, since I had just recently finished college, and figured if it went anything like high school, I was going to lose track of pretty much all the friends I'd made, which was not an uplifting thought. The fact that hasn't happened sort of muted the effect during the most recent viewing, but I can still recall feeling the same way once upon a time. The series doesn't do that often, though, and when it does, there's usually a point about focusing on what you gained from those times, not what you might lose as you go forward. Also a bit about not wasting time with regrets, though I think that's more prevalent with episodes that focus on the teachers, because they're farther along in life, and have more decisons to look back on.

I know that was a little scattershot, but I wanted to say something about the series, and the more intensive posts I've been considering were going to take too long to put together. They're somewhere in the recesses of my mind, so I'll dig them out, and get them polished up. Not sure when.

* I haven't actually read Azumanga Daioh either, only watched the anime, and I don't know how much the anime may have diverged from the comic. I read online that Kaorin had a much expanded role in the anime, and I think Mr. Kimura may have been more disturbing in the manga, though I kind of hope not. He was strange enough.

** Tragically, the practical applications of the cuteness as an energy source would be ignored. Until it was too late, of course.

*** Hmm, where is the Lantern Corps harnessing the devastating power of cuteness? Surely not all cats are acid blood spewing beasties?

**** Also, oddly enough, at the end of the first culture festival episode, when a few of the students have a 'victory parade'. The music includes what sounds to me like a kazoo, and the scene is always a bummer. I think it's due to the fact they really enjoyed the culture fest, and are trying hard to hold onto it, but they know tomorrow they'll be back to the usual grind at school. Time marches on.

I Think Three Deadpool Ongoings May Be Asking For Trouble

I was thinking about my irritation with Hal Jordan getting a prominent role in DC these days, and I wondered about whether Deadpool is going to suffer the same fate, on a larger scale. He's getting an even bigger push than Hal, in some ways. True, Deadpool's books don't serve as the focal point for the big comic event of the year, but still, three ongoing series, plus he seems to pop up as a guest star quite a bit. True, he's not at Wolverine levels, but I'm not sure Deadpool has ever reached Wolverine levels of popularity*, so that would be expected.

I know there's already some irritation online about Deadpool having three books while things like Agents of Atlas fall to backup story status, but I'm not sure whether those folks were fans of Deadpool to begin with, so their dissatisfaction wouldn't constitute a backlash. Do you think there'll come a point when even Deadpool's fans go "Whoa, that's enough; I'm burned out on the Merc with a Mouth"? Or will they just gobble it all and demand more? I do like Deadpool, and I don't want to grow tired of him, so I'm hoping to limit my exposure over the coming months**. Deadpool: Suicide Kings should serve as a warning to me about that, but I can be slow on the uptake.

* When was Wolverine's popularity at its height, do you think? Last year, mid-'80s, the '90s, the mid-2000s? I feel like he isn't quite the instant big seller he used to be, but he is still in three different team books, plus two ongoings, and whatever assorted one-shots they throw out, so maybe he's still peaking.

** Though I ordered that Team-Up with Hercules against Arcade and Nightmare issue. It has Arcade in it, all right?

Cats And Headbutts

Keeping this short and simple today.

Power Girl has a cat, of which she is very fond*. So, do you think she likes cats in general, or just her cat in particular? Because there are folks who like their cat/dog/iguana, but don't care one whit about other people's cat/dog/iguana.

Not related to the query above, but just for the record, I like that Power Girl often responds to problems by headbutting them. Not always, because, hey, headbutting can't solve every problem**. But she did use heat vision to propel her head backwards and smack Ultra-Humanite in the face with the back of her skull, and she headbutted the big green monster right in the nose, so that's two, at least. There's something short and direct about it that I think is cool. Plus, if you're nearly invulnerable, why not headbutt less resilient opponents?

* I assume that, or else why would she keep it? Unless she keeps it solely as a Guy Gardner deterrent, which would be useful.

** Though if you unleash the headbutt early enough, maybe it can solve the problem, by preventing it from reaching the point where headbutting wouldn't be useful.

What They Do When They Can't Find The Words

TV shows will occasionally bust out the "clip show" episode. They come up with some contrivance that allows for lots of flashbacks so they can just use footage from old episodes, rather than actually provide anything new. This is a terrible thing, and we should scorn those responsible and throw balloons filled with toothpaste at them*.

Fine, we don't have to scorn them and throw things at them if you don't want to. It's not really relevant to the post anyway. The question that came to me last night was what is the musical equivalent to a clip show?

The answer that seemed obvious was a "greatest hits" tour, or "greatest hits" CD**. But I would tend to equate a specific CD (or album, or tour) with a season of a TV show. Which would make individual songs the equivalent of single episodes. So having decided upon that, my vote for the musical equivalent of clip shows would be songs that just tend to rattle off people or place names.

Huey Lewis' "The Heart of Rock n' Roll", or any of those songs where the singer just lists all the different places they've been (or all the people they want to thank) with a one sentence description. I think Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" would qualify, since he spends most of the song just rattling of noteworthy stuff from the previous thirty years, which doesn't impress me terribly much. There's at least a couple of Limp Bizkit songs I can think of, one which I think focuses on places they performed, another on various people they wanted to thank***.

Basically, I think that type of song is pretty lazy, at least from a lyrical standpoint. Which is the same opinion I have of clip shows, which is why I think they're equivalent. But I want your input, because I think most of you know more about music than me. So, if you agree with my idea, what are some other songs that would fit? If you think there's a better musical comparison to clip shows, by all means, tell us.

* Why toothpaste (and it's new toothpaste, not used toothpaste someone spat out)? Well, garbage, or rotten vegetables, or animal waste would by unhygienic for everybody. I don't want to make them ill (and I don't want to become ill either), I just want to humiliate them.

** Though I own lots of greatest hits CDs for various bands, because it's a good way to get a variety of their work, theoretically from across their entire history.

*** Which, hey, it's swell that they want to thank people for their success, let them know they care, but I don't think it makes for the best song.