Monday, June 02, 2014

Deadpool Should Leave Game-Making To The Professionals

Thanks to my own procrastination and the sheer number of other people here using the Internet, it is now very late as I start typing this post about the Deadpool video game. So let's make it quick.

Deadpool: [I'm all about quick, except when I'm about slow and painful. And er, neither of those apply to the bedroom, ladies.]

Well let's poll the audience. Sir, do you like Deadpool?

Audience member: Not really, I find his act tedious and his body count unappealing.

You probably won't like this game. How about you ma'am? Do you like games that are nothing but shooting and stabbing people?

Audience member: No, I'm into real-time strategy games. Civilization forevah!

This game probably isn't for you, either.

Deadpool: [Now, wait a second. . .]

What about you, young man, do like games that frequently present women as sex objects?

Deadpool: [Hey, that is extremely inflammatory phrasing! Those women are only presented that way because that's how I see them! Er. . .]

Audience member: No. I like looking at pretty ladies, but I'd prefer there be substance to it.

You should probably give this a pass, then.

Deadpool; [Now wait a minute! You're leaving out all the cool stuff that's in my game! Like Cable, he's in there. People like Cable, right?]

Not the last time I checked. And your villain was Mr. Sinister, who is a lameoid, which makes his Marauders lamewads. You couldn't even get Magneto or Sabretooth as a boss fight.

Deadpool: [Well, Wolverine's in it! People love Wolverine!]

He spends all his time growling at you, or being slapped in the face repeatedly by you while he's unconscious. To be fair, I did enjoy slapping him.

Deadpool: [See?]

Yes, but Wade, I do like you, even if this is the Daniel Way version with the dueling narration boxes in place of an actual supporting cast. And I do like games that are essentially "enter room, kill everything, go to next room and kill more people". As for the pretty ladies, well it's perhaps mitigated by the fact you're a delusional idiot, so we shouldn't take your perspective on things as being appropriate.

Deadpool: [Hey!]

Wade, you somehow confused Cable for a large-chested nearly naked girl waving a sign stating she was your #1 fan.

Deadpool: [Have you seen Cable's chest? Totally understandable. His steely gaze, rippling muscles . . .]

Wade, come back to Earth.

Deadpool: [What about my teleporter? That was cool.]

Eh, Alice: Madness Returns did it better with that nifty "turn into butterflies" move. The counter system wasn't bad, but it's a little awkward that it was mapped to the teleporter button. Sometimes I just wanted to escape, but I end up attacking. Other times I was looking to counter, but the game decided I really wanted to escape.

Deadpool: [That's just nitpicking.]

Wade, I appreciated your enthusiasm to present us with a game, and there are some bits I thought were funny. But I've played a lot of games that were just enter room, kill people with bullets, explosives, or blades. And most of them tried to add something else. Wet added the style points for wall-running, or sliding, or slow-motion shooting while leaping through the air.

Deadpool: [I had slo-mo!]

For one scene, which lasted as long as it took me to kill 5 dudes. What it boils down to is that I probably enjoyed the game about as much as someone could, but I completely understand why all the reviews have been giving Deadpool scores of 6 out of 10 or thereabouts. You don't have a bad game, but it is short - I finished it over the course of about 3 days - and there's nothing in the gameplay I haven't seen in other games. And you know it, you alluded to it in those hints during the load screens.

Deadpool: [Ok, fine, ya got me. We were gonna have a better game, but that first level was so awesome, the budget just couldn't keep up. Also, I got bored.]

That I can believe.

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