Friday, April 01, 2016

The Eternal Dance Continues

(Clever Adolescent Panda rushes into Calvin's current dwelling.)

CAP: All right, Calvin, we've got to prepare. UnCalvin got us last year, but we'll be - oh no.

(Calvin is dragging himself across the dirty, blood-smeared floor towards the door. UnCalvin stands a few feet away, holding a sword and grinning triumphantly.)

Calvin: *gasping* {You're. . .a day. . .late.} *gurgles, collapses*

UnCalvin: Yes, it looks like someone forgot about the International Date Line when making their travel plans! Mahaha! (It's kind of a weak evil laugh, honestly. Not enough bass in it.)

(CAP dashes forward and cradles Calvin's head.)

CAP: No, I'm sorry. I tried to get here, but the lines at airports, and, and, I couldn't get a cab here, and, sniff, sob, I - wait a minute.

Calvin: *still making dying noises* Urg, gag, blarg.

CAP: *takes a deeper sniff* This is strawberry jelly. *looks at UnCalvin* And you have tried to kill me while I was distracted.

UnCalvin: *mock offended* I would never, eh, yeah, I would.

CAP: And going across the International Date Line didn't cost me a day, it gained me one! You jerks!

(The opposing forces burst into laughter, though they at least have the decency to be a little sheepish about it.)

Calvin: {Sorry, old chap. We got bored and that meant we started considering bad ideas, and well. . .sorry. Forgive us?}

CAP: Hmm, well, *rubs chin* maybe. *Bonks both of them on the head*

Calvin: {Agh!}

UnCalvin: Ow! Damn, I'd forgotten how much that hurts!

Calvin: {I hadn't. And yet I learned nothing from past experience.}

CAP: Now we're fine.

Calvin: {Great, want some oatmeal raisin cookies?}

CAP: Are the raisins actually made of rubber?

Calvin: {No.}

UnCalvin: The idea has potential, though.

Calvin: {No, they aren't.}

CAP: You know I like cookies, as long as they aren't made of love extracted from people's prized possessions. *glares at UnCalvin as Calvin goes to get the cookies*

UnCalvin: *throws hands in the air* I try to make people happy by stealing others' possessions and using them as cookie ingredients and somehow, I'm the bad guy.

Calvin: {Here you go.}

CAP: These are brownies.

Calvin: {Yep. I ate all the oatmeal raisin cookies days ago. So you have to settle for the first brownie out of the batch. April Fools!}

CAP: *eagerly* OK! *begins devouring brownies*

UnCalvin: Not much of a joke.

Calvin: {Nah, but it sort of makes up for the first one. Hey, I said the first brownie out of the batch, not the first 10!}

CAP: *muffled* Ha, ha, too late! *glances at UnCalvin* What's she doing here on time, anyway?

Calvin: {Pollock's been here nonstop since our many near deaths after Thanksgiving.}

CAP: Pollock?

Pollock: It's the name I gave myself, I have not been her constantly since Thanksgiving, and I can, and have, been on time in the past, and you know, you snotty little furball!

CAP: *stands up, still holding bag of brownies* I see Pollock needs a punch in the kisser as much as UnCalvin did!

Pollock: *brandishes sword* Just try it, twerp!

CAP: *looks closely* That sword is made of rubber!

Pollock: *slightly flustered* S-so? I don't need a real sword to beat you!

CAP: You've never beaten me!

Pollock: I have so! Check the records! I defeated you in single combat multiple times!

CAP: And I've destroyed like three of your bases!

Calvin: {Kids, kids, kids, you're both special snowflakes. Now let's not do anything which is going to destroy my home.}

Pollock: *kind of whining* But that's the most traditional part of these April Fools' Day posts!

CAP: She's right.

Calvin: {I know, but they're doing a safety inspection in a week, and I still need to deal with the ant problem and figure out where we put all those smoke detectors we unhooked.}

CAP: You unhooked your smoke alarms? Those are there for your own good!

Pollock: *aghast* You have ants? Also, yes, fire hazards are no laughing matter.

Calvin: {Well thank you, '80s G.I. Joe cartoon. Point being, no fighting.}

Pollock: *exasperated* Fine.

CAP: Darn. So, why are you here?

Pollock: *takes nearby seat* Because work is a drag now. I'm a figurehead. They don't really listen to any my or my staff's cool ideas. It's all boring, practical-sounding stuff that mostly doesn't work. They cut benefits, they cut the number of employees, but not the workload. They've made the Blender Furby into a program that listens to current popular music and pumps out copycat tracks. They even got rid of my last string quartet in the break room!

Calvin: {Why not quit then, if you hate it so much? Go join Sergeant Johanssen on the okra farm.}

Pollock: Quit? Just admit defeat and retreat with my tail between my legs?! I never quit as long as my resources stand! *gets a momentarily thoughtful look*

CAP: *steadfastly refusing to share those brownies* Then take back the company.

Pollock: *still kind of distracted by something* Unfortunately, I don't have enough resources to do so. I can't afford to buy the shares to regain control.

Calvin: {Pfft, that's loser talk. You're a super-villain. Fight them like a super-villain. Sneak into their homes and beat the hell out of them until they do what you want.}

CAP: Calvin!

Calvin: {Or, I dunno, steal some expensive stuff and sell it on the black market to raise funds. Whatever. You're supposed to be the cool one of the two of us.}

CAP: Don't do it, Pollock. I'd hate to have to beat you up and throw you in jail.

Pollock: Ha, I'm rich. I don't go to jail.

CAP: Being rich wouldn't keep you out of Panda Jail.

Calvin: {I hear Panda Jail is pretty nice.}

CAP: Yeah, as jails go. It's not very crowded, lots of books, decent food. But it's still a jail.

Calvin: {I know some folks who'd kill to get into that jail.}

CAP: That is one way in, yes.

Pollock: Focus, idiots.

CAP: Did she mean us, or just you?

Calvin: {She used the plural, I think you're included.}

CAP: Well I resent it.

Calvin: {Well don't re-sent it, or you'll end up with a double-post. Nobody likes those.}

CAP: Ugh, that's awful.

Pollock: Shut it! *both stop talking* Walking away is not my style. And I'm not feeling violent towards others these days. No, I need to tear my company down to its foundation. Then, I'll rebuild it, just as I always do.

Calvin: {Oh. Well, good luck with that. Try to let your employees evacuate before you collapse a skyscraper.}

CAP: I think she was speaking figuratively.

Pollock: A little of both.

CAP: Oh, well that sounds bad.

Pollock: Really? I was going to ask for your help. You were bragging earlier about destroying my operations, I thought you'd jump at another chance to do so.

CAP: I don't know. I usually do it to stop you from killing Calvin. This doesn't sound like that. Maybe you could get Deadpool?

Calvin: {I think Wade's a little busy murdering Sabretooth. Probably not the best time.}

CAP: Cassanee?

Pollock: No. She called me names.

CAP: Makes Brakes Fail Lass?

Calvin: {We were worried about casualties remember?}

Pollock: C'mon, please? *wheedling*

CAP: *Sigh* Fine, I'll help, but we have to make it quick. I need to get home.

Pollock: Oh. I'm not ready to do it now. I'll let you know. Give you a ring, or maybe just drop by. Thanks! *skips merrily out of the house, then reenters the house a moment later* Oh, one last thing.

(And with that, Pollock picked up one of the couches and hurled it through a window. Then jumped through the hole.)

Pollock: Happy April Fools Day! *runs off*

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