Friday, November 25, 2016

Dragging Myself From The Food Coma For This

Pollock: This is ridiculous. You can't have a Thanksgiving get-together in such a small apartment!

Calvin: Nonsense. I've got four chairs, that's plenty with the futon -

Deadpool: [I'll just go ahead and eat lying down here.] *Deadpool leaps onto the futon. It breaks.*

Calvin: Crud.

Deadpool: [It's fine, I can comfortably eat like this. Thanks for pre-warming this by sitting here. Nice and toasty on ma buns.]

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: Wade, what the heck?!

Deadpool: [What? This is shoddy construction!]

Clever Adolescent Panda: Or you're getting fat. maybe you better not have any food.

Deadpool: *outraged* [What?! I'm lean, yet muscular, thank you. Sinewy. Wiry. Like a panther. A sexy panther.]

Calvin: I don't know, you're looking pretty swollen. Maybe you're letting Ed McGuinness draw you too often.

Deadpool: [He is a superstar artist, how dare you! I'll show you I'm still in fighting trim!] *starts to remove clothes*

Everyone: No!

CAP: Forget we said anything Wade. I had completely forgotten you're actually really skinny when Koblish draws you in 2099. Where's Cassanee, didn't she come along?

Pollock: She's already tucking into the food.

*Cass is indeed piling a plate high with mashed potatoes and turkey*

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: Did she already eat an entire pie?!

Calvin: Er no, I ate half of that this morning.

Pollock: *shakes head, tsks*

Calvin: Don't you start. I went running this morning!

Deadpool: [Trying to make it to the bathroom in time doesn't count.]

CAP: Let's just grab plates before it's all gone.

Pollock: And the lack of seating?

Calvin: I'll gladly sit on the floor if you'll shut the hell up about it.

*Eating commences*

CAP: Wade, why did you bring taquitos to Thanksgiving?

Calvin: I told him it was OK. I like taquitos.

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: Yeah, I'm fine with that.

Deadpool: [I also brought alcohol!]

Pollock: Yes, you've been spilling it on what's left of Calvin's futon for hours.

Calvin: She's right, do I need to buy a sippy cup for when you visit?

Deadpool: [I don't know, do you need a bullet hole in your head?]

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: Dang man.

CAP: I know, right? I was worried we'd argue about politics.

Calvin: No thanks, Wade, I've already got one in my foot courtesy of you.

Cassanee: What?

Pollock: Oh, she speaks! Here I thought living in the woods had robbed you of human speech. Opossums aren't great conversationalists, are they?

*Cassanee throws an empty pie tin at Pollock, who deflects it with her fork. Wade shoots it out of the air without even looking.*

Calvin: Hey, don't badmouth opossums!

CAP: They aren't great conversationalists, though. They'll make small talk, if you're patient, but that's about it.

Deadpool: [They don't like to share dumpsters, either. Or, so I hear. I certainly didn't sleep in dumpsters.]

CAP: Yeah, Wade, we all know about you being a big, successful Avenger with your own hi-rise.

Cassanee: *incredulous* They let him on the Avengers?

Deadpool: [I was picked by Captain America himself?]

Calvin: He's a HYDRA agent now, you know. But he wasn't when he first picked you, so we'll just chalk that decision up to senility.

Cassanee: The Falcon is a HYDRA agent?

CAP: You know about that?

Cassanee: We do have the ability to communicate with the outside world. Guyamo wrecked destroyed most of the infrastructure, but we've had plenty of time to get it fixed. Three and a half years is enough time for a cable/Internet provider to come out.

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: Maybe with your provider.

Pollock: Agreed.

CAP: Is Guyamo behaving himself?

Deadpool: [Is no one worried about Captain America being a member of HYDRA?]

Cassanee: No one has seen Guyamo since shortly after you helped overthrow him. He was just gone. We turned his castle into a community center.

CAP: That's nice.

Calvin: Will someone pass me those baked beans?

Pollock: Why don't you have some of my deviled eggs?

Calvin: I can't stand deviled eggs and you know that.

Pollock: Indeed I do. Suffer, wretch.

Deadpool: [I'll eat them.]

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: Me too. Cassanee?

Cassanee: Sure.

Calvin: That makes me give thanks for friends who will eat disgusting foods, while cursing the, whatever the hell Pollock is to me by now, who bring those awful foods.

Pollock: Drat. Well, at least people are enjoying them. Moreso than those biscuits you made, Calvin.

CAP: *looks up from a plate of pasta* There are biscuits?

Calvin: Yeah, they're over on the counter with the other food.

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: He brought some of his mom's cornbread, too!

CAP: !!!!!! *leaps from seat onto the counter*

Deadpool: [That's right, fill up on bread. More taquitos and turkey for me!]

Calvin: Wade, quit hogging all the dark meat!

CAP: *now holding three biscuits and a piece of cornbread* Should we say what we're giving thanks for?

Calvin: I guess. I'm probably going to slip into a coma soon, and it is sort of a tradition.

Deadpool: [I'm grateful I know people who live in a reality where booze is cheaper than it is in mine. And that now I know Captain America is a HYDRA agent, so I can save the day and boost my flagging merchandise sales.]

CAP: But you won't remember when you go home. This works like your old recap page in Cable/Deadpool.

Deadpool: [Damn, there goes my plan for a "battlin' bots" game with me and HYDRA-Cap.]

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: I'm grateful for this cornbread. And that I'm not trying to drive home, so I can drink some of Deadpool's cheap booze.

Calvin: I'm grateful you missed my mailbox when your brakes failed.

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: I only smashed a few of that lady's lawn ornaments!

CAP: I'm grateful that I helped Lufonz finish his new body and he's hopefully safe from vengeful robots and wizards. Also that Wade hasn't forgotten us now that he's a big celebrity.

Deadpool: [I didn't really have any other place to go since I'm on the outs with my wife and my daughter's adopted family.]

CAP: Oh.

Deadpool: [But I like you guys, too. Let's help Pollock destroy her company so she can retake it soon!]

Pollock: Agreed.

CAP: *indignant* You never called me to tell me we were doing that!

Cassanee: I wanted to do that years ago.

Pollock: It didn't need destroying then!

Cassanee: Sez you.

Deadpool: [Ladies, perhaps you could settle your differences in a really cool extended fight scene in some windswept field or a on top of a skyscraper?]

Calvin: I figured you were going to suggest mud wrestling.

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: So did I.

CAP: Yeah, me too.

Pollock: I was getting ready to hit you for it.

Deadpool: [I would never! Well, sometimes. But only when it's funny. And there wouldn't be any hard feelings, just hard places. Because that kind of action can be pretty stimulating-]

Calvin: Yeah, that's enough of that. Cass?

Cassanee: *thinks for a moment* I have a nice home. I have a good pair of boots. We've mostly driven back the bandits.

CAP: Bandits?

Cassanee: They're big, and hairy, and they walk funny. They all have big noses, and wear handkerchiefs over their faces. They steal food and camping equipment mostly.

CAP: Huh.

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: Weird. Calvin?

Calvin: Ha ha, I sure don't know anything about that!

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: I meant, what are you thankful for?

Calvin: Oh, uh, you know, got a real boy job. That was pretty OK. Can't shake the feeling I'm actually in that Twilight Zone episode where the guy dies and thinks he's in Heaven when he's in Hell. They didn't try very hard to sell me on it being Heaven, but the Cubs won the World Series and the Dallas Cowboys are good again, so yeah, starting to look a lot like Hell.

CAP: That was an awful giving of thanks. Soooo, Pollock?

Pollock: I'm thankful for the chance for revenge against the people who took what's mine that looms in the future. Vicious, brutal revenge.

*Everyone stares at her blankly. Except Deadpool, who gives a big thumbs up.*

Pollock: And I'm pretty great. I'm thankful for that, too.

CAP: I'm a lot less enthusiastic about helping you now, for some reason. And that even worse than Calvin's. Can anyone be thankful for a nice thing?

Deadpool: [Oooh, ooh, me, pick me! I remembered something else!]

Calvin: Don't do it.

Cassanee: He's an idiot, you'll regret it.

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: Aw, I want to hear what he says.

CAP: *sighs* OK Wade, let's hear it.

Deadpool: [I'm thankful that my incredible popularity hasn't made Marvel put me in books with more Inhumans. I, too, am pretty great, but even I can't make anyone actually care about those guys. Better to just let them sink, like those bodies I hide in tar pits.]

CAP: That is a good thing, but still kind of mean.

Calvin: Well, sometimes being thankful out of spite is all we've got and- *a sound from his pocket causes Calvin to leap to his feet, grab a camera and dash outside. He returns in less than a minute*

Calvin: All right, an osprey! And I even got a decent photo, I think! *It's not actually a very good photo*

CAP: What the heck?

Calvin: *holds up smart phone* It's this app I got, Osprey Alert. It tells you when there are ospreys nearby. They're so cool looking! *gestures at Pollock* I'm thankful your company made this app!

Pollock: You're the one person who bought that app?!

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: You actually bought a smart phone?

CAP: Yeah, I'm not sure I can believe that. Are you also Pollock somehow?

Pollock: Now how would that work? I'm sitting right here!

Deadpool: [Your powers are mutating and you can split into multiple versions of yourself, who can also shapeshift.]

CAP: Or you learned a spell.

Calvin: Or you're a hologram.

Pollock: Why are you helping them?

Calvin: *shrugs* I dunno, I just felt like throwing out ideas.

Pollock: well stop it. You are you, and I am me, and you're an idiot, but did you leave feedback about your purchase?

Calvin: I did one of those online surveys about the seller, because your company wouldn't stop sending me e-mails asking me to. And still hasn't even after I did the survey.

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: I hate when they do that.

Deadpool: [Yeah, harassing customers with annoying mail is an awful thing!]

CAP: Why did I just get five e-mails encouraging me to take advantage of the great online deals on your "Deadpool's Sweatin' to the Oldies" workout videos then?

Cassanee: Ech.

Deadpool: [Uh, my site was hacked by the Russians?]

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