Nothing But Explosions and Gun Fights. And Car Chases.

I'm going to step away from the 5-person team of fictional character approach somewhat this time around. Instead, we're going to take a bunch of gun-toting action stars and throw them up against each other. For the hell of it. One of those movies with a bunch of killers all running around trying to take out the same target and each other. Chaos ensues.

The Target: John Wick (Keanu Reeves, John Wick) - Who better these days to serve as the prize that brings everyone out? I still haven't seen the sequel, but I gather that John succeeded in pissing off still more people by the end of it. The kind of people who can find the very best and get them to come try to kill Mr. Wick.

I don't believe any of the people listed below will make the mistake of killing his dog, but we can't rule it out. In which case all bets are off as to how much stuff is going to get destroyed. But if he's being pursued by a relatively small number of experts, it might keep the body count down. Fewer hapless mooks being mowed down. I still expect many windows to be shot out and cars to be destroyed, naturally. It'll turn out the one who put the hit on Wick is a major store display window manufacturer.

A couple of the others could potentially be negotiated with, if Wick would provide information or simply stand down. I don't expect him to take that approach. At this stage, too many people have tried to kill him, and bothering to operate by any set of rules has only hamstrung him. So screw it, anybody who comes after him ends up in a bodybag if he's able to manage it.

The Reluctantly Unretired Hitman: Martin Blank (John Cusack, Grosse Pointe Blank) - Well, you had to figure somebody was going to object to Martin's actions at the end of the movie. The NSA, for killing their agents, some of the guys Grocer was getting together for his little consortium. Whoever wanted him to kill Minnie Driver's father. Point being, he wouldn't get to just walk away. They never do, right? So he can either try to protect his loved ones while going to war against his own faceless enemy with vast resources, or, he can go try and kill one really dangerous guy. I think he'd opt for the second choice. At least he has a clear picture of his target that way.

I expect Martin to try and kill Wick at a distance. Sniper rifles, maybe try dripping poison into his mouth while sleeping, though I can't see that working here. I would imagine Wick's a very light sleeper by this point. Maybe the classic remote controlled car packed with explosives trick. That's always a crowd pleaser, and good for prompting yet another chase sequence.

He won't be able to keep his distance forever, and we'll see what happens if Wick brings the fight up close and personal. Martin can be quite creative about using whatever is at hand. I would expect their fights to be silent. Martin isn't going to freely offer up an explanation to his target, and Wick isn't going to bother to ask. Martin is there to kill him, Wick is unwilling to die and is therefore going to try killing Martin instead. What's there to talk about, other than who they buy their suits from?

The Badass with a Past: Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White, Black Dynamite) - I'm admittedly struggling to decide how Black Dynamite ends up in this. Maybe the CIA approached him again, and convinced him Wick is a threat to the Community. Or maybe John passed through and had to fend off some attacks, and people were hurt or killed. I could see Black Dynamite starting with the cracker that brought that violence there, and using him as bait for the other people responsible.

Maybe he wants to chat with Wick because he thinks he has the inside scoop on some kung-fu treachery. Or I don't know, something, something, Jimmy Carter, handwave, peanuts, George Washington Carver's last will and testament, bullshit. It shouldn't be straightforward, but I do like the idea that Dynamite's not so much interested in killing John Wick (which he could of course do handily), as getting the people interested in Wick being dead. Black Dynamite is never satisfied with just beating up the low-level troublemakers, he's going to pursue the case all the way to the top.

So Dynamite keeps popping up to attack John, and John seemingly keeps making narrow escapes. But it's really a plan y Dynamite to run John into some other killer's trap, so Dynamite can get a clear shot at that guy instead. At some point, Wick's going to figure that out and try to turn things around. Which might only succeed in pissing Black Dynamite off. Which is bad news for everyone else. . .

The Unlucky Lawman: Nicholas Angel (Simon Pegg, Hot Fuzz) - I considered John McClane, but that man deserves a break. According to the commentary on the DVD, Sgt. Angel got himself a taste for the high-octane, fire two guns while jumping through the air and going "Ahhhhh". Now he can have all of it he can handle. Pity they used up most of the arsenal they confiscated from that farmer.

Angel is going to spend much of the time reacting. Gunfights erupting in his town, him trying to find the responsible parties. Which wouldn't seem like much of a problem in a small English village, I would imagine these other guys would stand out, but they are professionals. Besides, he can't just go around arresting whatever scowling guy impeccably dressed all in black he sees. That would be profiling. Also, the funeral director would object, and they're probably going to need him,a s the mortality rate skyrockets. And Nicholas has to worry about protecting the community, which means not letting civilians get killed. Which limits his ability to go into hot pursuit.

I'm not sure how willing John will be to kill a cop, which might give Angel the chance to arrest him. Which is going to be the thing that really puts Angel at a disadvantage. The others won't be in this to take prisoners, but he will be, at least at the start. Also, relatively speaking, Nicolas Angel's a newbie when it comes to this stuff. All the others are old pros. Still, Wick is human, and if you can catch him when he's tired, or distracted, he can be captured. So Angel has a shot, if he can pick his spot. Of course, then he has to hold him, both keeping Wick from escaping, and any of the others from getting in at him.

The Wild Card: Chev Chelios (Jason Statham, Crank) - I guess it really has to be after Crank 2, since he was basically out commission/nearly dead in between the two. So he has his heart back, he doesn't have to electrocute himself periodically to keep the crappy artificial heart running. That's good news. But there's always got to be some sort of complication. Probably needs a lot of expensive meds after all this trauma and surgery and whatnot. Probably ordinary hits don't pay those bills fast enough. You need people who want John Wick's eyes or some freaky nonsense, and are willing to pay through the nose.

So Chelios might not need Wick dead. If John is willing to surrender his eyes, he can live. Or maybe he needs to capture him alive, at least long enough to remove the parts he needs. In the likely event Wick refuses to cooperate, Chelios is going to be the guy who gets a little wild. The guy who smashes a Brinks truck through a wall while John is in the midst of fighting some other killer and tries to run them both over. Hey, as long as the eyes are fine, the rest is irrelevant. If Black Dynamite tries that stunt with the helicopter with the magnet on it, Chev will probably just jump out of the truck and try to use John or the other killer as a cushion.

I figure Chev Chelios is not the sort of person who becomes more careful once they're aware of their mortality. Having survived what he has, having seemingly been dead at least twice, only to pop back to life, he just might not worry about it that much.

I wanted to throw Colonel Mortimer (Lee van Cleef, For a Few Dollars More) into the mix, but it felt like arguing he'd survived 150 years after the end of that movie was stretching things a bit. Though it's perhaps rude of me to tell the man he can't live a century and a half. Of course, you could toss any hardened killer or tough cop in that you wanted - I mean, this thing is devoid of Chow Yun Fat or Clint Eastwood - these were just the ones who came to mind for me.

And all this taking place in the English countryside would at least be a change of pace for most of these guys. They mostly operate in cities, the fresh air will do them good. Enjoy diving behind all those stone fences, and find all kind of secret passages inside of castles of manor houses. Then shoot at people from them.