The Mercenary Always Shoots Twice

{Previously, Pollock's plan to regain her company through industrial sabotage was itself sabotaged by Deadpool vanishing when Calvin stopped buying his book. Pollock was able to retake control through other means, but a month later, Deadpool guest-starred in another book Calvin was buying and reappeared where he had vanished. And Deadpool doesn't know Pollock has things under control. . .}

*Deadpool approaches the lobby, bag of explosives slung over his shoulder. He's met by the lobby manager, Mr. Peterson.*

Peterson: *bored monotone* May I help you, sir?

Deadpool: [Unless you can get me a drink, probably not. I'm late for an appointment at ExpanCo.]

Peterson: *looks over Deadpool, in his costume, with bike tracks on his back and someone's blood on his knuckles* You have business at ExpanCo?

Deadpool: [It's someone's birthday. I'm jumping out of a cake.]

Peterson: Be that as it may, no weapons allowed in the building.

*Deadpool debates going outside to assault another cyclist, steal their clothes, and try passing himself off as a bike messenger, then dismisses it as tedious*

Deadpool: [OK, you've gotten your obligatory cameo. *Deadpool punches Peterson out, and approaches the elevators* I hope the music selection is good.]

*Deadpool notices all the people in the lobby are staring at him*

Deadpool: [I'm Deadpool, and it's time for my daily massacre! I prefer moving targets, so run for your lives! *No one moves, so he fires his gun into the air* Now! *people run* There, now that's fewer potential innocents to worry about.]

*As Deadpool ascends in the elevator, we zoom ahead of him to ExpanCo, re-christened Creative Industrial Approaches. Pollock is striding confidently through the halls, checking in on employees and observing the progress of renovations with the head of the firm contracted for it, a Ms. Jones.*

Ms. Jones: Are you sure you want us to remove all the lighting? It will be quite pricey.

Pollock: You're right, but fluorescent light can be so depressing. I'd swear it runs off the employee's will to live.

Ms. Jones: *chuckles* That sounds like a handy renewable energy source though.

Dr. Lakshmi, who is there offering advice on improving the research sections: You'd think so, but our research actually shows that's only the case with significant turnover. Which is not too difficult with the glut of desperate recent college graduates, but all the time wasted interviewing and training new employees really cuts into time spent on job duties.

*As the doctor continues speaking to an increasingly uncomfortable Dr. Jones, Captain Androzier, who was there to make sure the bathrooms are going to be top-notch, receives a call over his earpiece and takes on a distressed look. He whispers into Pollock's ear.*

Pollock: *disgusted, exasperated sigh* Of course. Perfect. Hopefully we can reason with him, but just in case, have your security teams begin escorting people to panic rooms. Doctor, if you would accompany Ms. Jones to a panic room. Take a radio, I may need some ideas from you and the staff. Captain, let's go greet our visitor.

*As the two approach the company lobby, the elevator doors are abruptly sliced in half and Deadpool leaps out before the elevator comes to a full stop. He draws a machine pistol and fires at the elevator*

Deadpool: [Monsters! A muzak version of "Miss Independent"? You'll pay for your crimes against humanity!]

Pollock: *pinches the bridge of her nose* Fantastic.

Androzier: *drags Pollock into a nearby office* What's he after?

Deadpool: [Bring me your boss or you're all going to die! Or, at least be badly injured! Enough that your insurance will be insufficient to cover the costs!]

Pollock, internally: *You idiot, please don't blurt out anything that suggests we're working together*

Deadpool: *starting to move down the hall* [Your company destroyed a small village, and I'm here for payback!]

Pollock: We did not!

Androzier: Well, maybe. Some stuff went on while you were on sabbatical. . .

Pollock: Not now!

Androzier: We need to deal with this. I'll recall security.

Pollock: No, if you shoot him, you'll only make him mad. Have security continue escorting people to panic rooms. I need you to go wake "it" up. *picks up radio* Doctors, I need anything you have that might slow him down.

Dr. Charles: I've taught our orange trees to produce an phage that inhibits healing when you play "I Feel Fine". That would stop his healing factor.

Pollock: No, he has cancer. Take away the healing factor and he'll probably die.

Ms. Jones, understandably tense: You don't want that why?

Pollock: His friends are destructive enough when they aren't bent on revenge.

Androzier: *grim* The panda.

Pollock: And the idiot. Or the sullen one. Or the girl with the crappy powers. Or the ghost. Point being, let's come up with something that will stop him long enough we can make him leave.

Lakshmi: There's the fast-acting polymer.

Dr. Charles: We could stimulate the kudzu in the greenhouse to faster growth, try tangling him up.

Androzier: He has swords. I don't think vines are going to cut it.

Pollock, glowers: "Cut it"? That's horrible.

Androzier: It was unintentional, I swear.

Pollock: I'm still slashing your bonus this Christmas. The Pun Penalty is in effect.

Androzier: Awwww.

Pollock: I need more ideas, and, wait, there's no shooting. *looks into hall* Where the hell is he?

Pollock, internally: *Crap he's going to plant the explosives.*

Pollock: Where can he do the most damage?

Dr. Lakshmi: The Wave Beam Lab?

Pollock: The most damage with explosions. He'd enjoy that more, and find it more straightforward.

Dr. Charles: Chemical Processing would be the easiest to access from there.

*Deadpool cuts through the hinges of the door leading to the Chemical Processing section*

Deadpool: [Too bad there are no pipes running along the ceiling creating shadows to hide in. Still, this is the most cooperative office building or lab I've ever shot up. Everyone runs away like I want them to. *Looks at various canisters and tanks* Flammable. Corrosive. Volatile. "What is Deadpool's digestive tract like after one of Hawkeye's barbecues?" Ooh, organophosphates. That'll clear a room.]

Pollock: Stop right there, Deadpool. I don't know what village you're referring to, but I'm sure we can talk this out. *winks twice*

Deadpool: [Huh? Oh, right. Say what you like, the souls of your victims cry out, like a legion of nerds angry a white guy superhero got replaced by a woman!]

*Deadpool makes an exaggerated leap at Pollock, swinging his sword in an easily blocked arc.*

Pollock: You don't have to halfass it that badly. I'm a better fighter than that.

Deadpool: [Sorry, I figured you were being mind-controlled. If you're not, then you should leave. It's time for business crippling explosions. You being blown up would interfere with you regaining your company.]

Pollock: But there's no need for that now. It's taken care of.

Deadpool: [Are you sure you aren't being mind-controlled? If I'd known that was a risk, I'd have passed on some of the techniques Professor Xavier gave to me and my fellow X-Men.]

Pollock: *still mock fighting* I took control a week ago. You were gone for a while.

Deadpool: [How'd you do that, he said, hoping to distract her and plant explosives.]

Pollock: You said the last part out loud.

Deadpool: [I did?] *bangs his fist on something invisible above his left shoulder* [Internal narration must be on the fritz because the writer hates trying to make that read different from spoken dialogue. I was hired to blow stuff up, and that's what I'm gonna do. *mutters* See one thing through to the end.]

*Deadpool goes to attach explosives, only for Pollock to kick them out of his hand. Annoyed, Deadpool punches her in the head. On instinct, Pollock rolls with it and kicks Deadpool in the gut.*

Pollock: What the hell was that for?

Deadpool: [It was reflex! Your foot came near my face! I had flashbacks to fighting Batroc!] *starts shooting, casuing Pollock to dive behind a workbench*

Pollock: Was that reflex?

Deadpool: *picks up the explosives, turns to a canister* [No, it's distraction.]

To be continued. . . hopefully soon.