Reciting the Litany of Failure Is Fun, But Lengthy

I feel increasingly disconnected from football, as a fan. The idea of giving Roger Goodell or any of those shitbag owners my money or attention while watching dudes give themselves brain damage doesn't seem so swell. "Problematic", as they say.

The season opener for the NFL was Thursday. I had completely forgotten until someone mentioned it to me that evening. Long way from the days when I bought 4 or 5 different NFL preview magazines each summer. It's funny, because I'd been reading and loving Deadspin's "Why Your Team Sucks" posts all month, so I knew the season was starting, because they do those the month before the season begins, ergo. . . It just didn't register somehow.

I love those posts. Every team gets a turn getting savaged, first by the writer (Drew Magary), and at the end, we get the thoughts from the fans who e-mail their own feelings to Magary. Regardless of team, the fans' follow certain common themes. Their owner is an ass, the coach a moron. The fanbase is full of fat, racist, stupid, Trump-lovers (that came up a lot this year). Occasionally people complain about the stadium, or parking, or difficulty in getting to the stadium (that's a common one from Jets and Giants' fans). The sad sack franchises have more fans that list their tales of woe and heartbreak. There was one Giants fan living in Norway last season who woke their roommates screaming at Eli Manning for another dumb pick, and one of the roommates described Eli's "whoops" face as being that of a necrophiliac who just learned their favorite cemetery had added new security.

I considered submitting one for the Arizona Cardinals, but why should Magary get paid for my writing? Not that I'm getting paid, but at least I get a blog post out of it this way. Without further ado, Why My Team Sucks 2018: The Arizona Cardinals.

I can't speak to the fanbase. I've never met another, actual Arizona Cardinals' fan face-to-face. They seem to exist on the Internet, but maybe all of them other than me are just one cat pretending to be different people. I haven't been to the new stadium, or the old Sun Devil Stadium, which was apparently a hellhole. Bill Bidwell was a notorious cheapskate as an owner, in that regard the Donald Sterling of the NFL (I don't if he was as much of a racist as the former Clippers' owner). His son is the current owner, and endorses this lying ass Kavanaugh for the Supreme Court, using the official team website. I'd prefer just complaining about the team owner being a tightwad.

The winningest coach in the franchise's history retired before being the Cardinals' coach killed him, and they replaced him with a defensive coach from the Panthers, who only win games when Cam Newton can overcome the league's willingness to see him killed on the field. Carson Palmer retired, but the Cards did draft a QB in the first round, Josh Rosen. Of course, the last time they took a QB from a southern California university with the 10th overall pick, it was Matt Leinart. The most memorable moment of his time was 2007, when Ken Whisenhunt announced Leinart was the starter, but Kurt Warner would come off the bench every time the team needed to run a two-minute or hurry-up offense. Then someone on the Rams separated Leinart's shoulder in the 6th game of the season piledriving him into the turf, and we were spared any further charade.

Not that the Cardinals have much recent history of success drafting at any positions, but their QBs have been especially weak. They drafted Neil Lomax in 1981. Since then, the best QB they picked was Jake Plummer, who I remember fondly, but was not a guy who could carry a shitty franchise, ala Aaron Rodgers. The second-best is Josh McCown, the least-awful of all QBs named McCown, but a backup at best. Third-best is, I dunno. Leinart? John Skelton (all the accuracy of Tim Tebow but without the insane Jesus freak fanbase)? Tom Tupa? Yes, I mean the punter. He was their main starting QB in 1991. He started 11 games, threw 6 TDs, and 13 INTs.

The two best QBs they've had in that time were Warner and Palmer, a couple of veterans who had struggled with injuries and ineffectiveness, but who found a couple more good years in the desert. Of course, with Warner you had to brace yourself for that one game a year he had 5 turnovers. Palmer's knee was made of paper mache.

Current draftee Josh Rosen will be backing up Sam Bradford, until Bradford - Mr. Glass himself - shatters into a million piece in Week 3. Potentially awesome running back David Johnson missed all but one half of one game last season, and is back. For the 26th consecutive season since I started rooting for them, Arizona will try to run the football. This will mostly likely be the 23rd of those seasons (at minimum) they will fail to do so. They've had a grand total of 7 seasons where a running back reached 1,000 yards over that time. Edgerrin James is their leading rusher over that span, and he didn't reach 3,000 yards total over his 3 seasons with the team. Their struggles assembling a decent offensive line might have something to do with it. They went five seasons once without drafting an offensive lineman in the first three rounds of the draft. Kurt Warner and Kevin Kolb's careers both ended during that time, and they had more than one season where the leading rusher could barely crack 500 yards. In 2012 their top rusher was LaRod Stephens-Howling, with 356 yards.

Larry Fitzgerald returned, which was nice. Although I wouldn't have blamed him for either retiring or deciding to go play for a different team. The only other notable wideout they brought back was J.J. Nelson, who was letting a pass sail right through his hands every time I turned on a game last season. I have heard at least five different head coaches state they're going to get the tight ends involved in the offense. They haven't had one catch 50 passes in a seasons since Jackie Smith was on the team in '80s. They draft and sign them all the time, but they never pan out.

I think they switched their defensive approach. I have no idea if that's going to help or not. The defense wasn't bad last year, considering how anemic the offense was. Chandler Jones has 17 of the team's 37 sacks. It's nice to have a good pass-rusher, but I wish it didn't feel as though it was all on him. I can't tell if Patrick Peterson is actually a good cover corner or not. They let the Honey Badger leave in free agency. I can't decide if that was smart or not, considering I wasn't sure how he had any ligaments left to tear any more.

My dad was a fan of the Cardinals when they were still in St. Louis, during the Jim Hart/Don Coryell years, on into the Neil Lomax/Jim Hanifan seasons of the early '80s. That's probably one of the high points of the franchise, when they could string together as man as three consecutive winning seasons. They made the playoffs three times, lost the first playoff game each time. When the team moved to the desert after the 1987 season, he swore them off. I didn't adopt them as a team until 1993. I may have remembered going to preseason games with him as a small child, but more likely my elementary school brain figured that I rooted for the Cardinals in baseball, I should root for them in football to. *sing-song voice* Bad Life Decisions!

I've yet to see them be truly horrible. Their worst season was 2000, when they went 3-13. They've had three other 4-12 seasons, though each had it's own points of hope. 1995 rid us of Buddy Ryan (we wound up with Vince Tobin, though). 1997 made us think Jake Plummer might just be The Guy (He was not, but the Cards finished one game too good to get Peyton, and Jake was significantly better than Ryan Leaf). 2003, um, Anquan Boldin might be good (he was)? They hired Denny Green that offseason (I had so much hope that was going to work. NOPE). 11 of the 26 years they've won from 5 to 7 games. Which is just good enough a gullible person (read: me) can talk himself into them being close, that if just a few things had gone differently, they'd have made the playoffs. Ignoring, of course, that they probably won some of those games thanks to good fortune, lucky bounces on fumbles, or the other team's good players having a bad game.

I've seen them be the only team to lose the 1-15 Jets in 1996, and the only team to lose to the 2-14 49ers in 2004, which has to be even more humiliating. Any team can lose to any other team once, on the road, after traveling cross-country. To lose to a team twice, including at home, when no other team lost to them? They even lost in different ways. One game, they jumped out to the lead, then let the Niners charge back. The other, they fell way behind and couldn't complete a frantic comeback. All roads lead to the same outcome.

My dad has apologized on several occasions for passing that fandom on to me somehow.

And yet, I've been party to one of the best stretches of football in the franchise's history. Certainly the last 10 years are the high point since 1950. In the last decade, the Cardinals have managed 5, count 'em, 5, winning seasons, plus three more seasons at 8-8. They made the playoffs four times, even won at least one playoff game three times, after going 50 years without a playoff victory. The Lions aren't even up to 30 years without a playoff win yet and people talk about it all the time. I've seen 5 playoff years, each with its own good and bad.

1998: They go 9-7 and make the playoffs as the 6 seed, despite being outscored by 53 points while playing the easiest schedule in the league. They had to win their last 3 games on field goals as regulation ended or in overtime to even manage that. Middle of the road offense, bottom 10 defense. Then they went into Dallas and beat the Cowboys 20-7. Yeah, it was the Chan Gailey coached Cowboys, but they still had Aikman, Emmitt, Irvin, and Deion Sanders. I like to think that was the final dagger for that era. You let a team that hadn't won in the playoffs in 50 years come in your home and walk over you, you're done.

Then the Cards went to Minnesota and got trucked by the Vikings. Jake threw 2 INTs, Randy Moss caught big passes downfield by pushing off on Aeneas Williams, 41-21 Vikings. Then the Vikings shit the bed the next week against the Falcons of all teams, because that's what the Vikings do. Ownership gave Jake a new contract, which I was fine with, but let a bunch of other key guys leave, draft picks didn't pan out, and the team wouldn't finish above .500 for a decade.

2008: Arizona goes 9-7, outscoring their opponents by 1 point, winning the weakest division in the league. They had the worst running game in the league, and the defense was mediocre. They lost games by 3 or more TDs to the Jets, Eagles, Vikings, and Patriots. Anquan Boldin's face got broken in the Jets game, spooking Kurt Warner to the point he nearly retired that week. Boldin missed two games. Anquan Boldin was freaking awesome. Being division winner has its perks, like hosting teams with better records. So they played the 10-6  Falcons in Arizona, and won. They went to Carolina, John Fox put the game in Jake Delhomme's hands, and Jake had 5 turnovers, while Carolina's defense decided not to cover Larry Fitzgerald. Arizona came home, beat the 11-5 Eagles.

Then they lost in the Super Bowl. To the fucking Steelers. Talk about a team of title-hogging assholes that don't deserve any more success, with their brain-damaged, probable sexual predator QB. Because Warner threw an INT to James Harrison, at the goal line, going into halftime, that Harrison somehow returned the length of the field. They wouldn't have been there if not for Warner, but it's hard not to be pissed that he chose that precise moment to make that dumbass decision. I watched this game with my coworkers, all of whom knew my rooting interest, and as one they all turned and looked at me as it happened. If any of them were Steelers' fans, they wisely kept their mouth shut or I'd have buried them out there in the boonies. I walked outside and screamed curses for 10 minutes.

Arizona traded Anquan Boldin that offseason, either because they thought they didn't need him (wrong), or because he got into a shouting match with offensive coordinator Todd Haley during the game against the Eagles. This was apparently before everyone realized Todd Haley was a humongous dipshit that annoys everyone, so Boldin was really just guilty of being ahead of the curve.

2009: Team goes 10-6, outscores opponents by 50 points, win the division again, although the 49ers whine about how they're really the best team in the division, even at 8-8, because they beat Arizona twice. Shouldn't have started 0-6 then, boys. Offense isn't nearly as prolific, but more balanced. Defense is a little better, not that you could tell from the first round playoff match-up with Green Bay. Rodgers and Warner take turns shredding the other team's defense. Arizona's D finally makes a play when Rodgers is strip sacked in OT and the fumble returned for a TD.

Second round, they encounter the Saints and their Gregg Williams coached defense. This was the "Bountygate" group, and they take Warner out of the game - and end his career - with various hits and head shots. Once he's out, the Cards are reduced to trying to win a shootout against Drew Brees with Matt Leinart. That goes as well as you'd expect, and they lose 45-14. Warner retires, Whisenhunt can't find a new QB, and the team goes back to being the Arizona Cardinals, Sad Sacks.

2014: After going 10-6 and missing the playoffs the year before, they go 11-5 and get a wild card. They have to go on the road, but it's against division "winner" Carolina, who went 7-8-1 that year. Even so, there is almost no hope. Palmer had a season ending knee injury halfway through the season. The team was keeping its head above water with Drew Stanton, although it was unlikely they could beat a good defense with him. Then he injured his knee, and the Cardinals turned to Ryan Lindley.

Lindley possessed no redeemable qualities as a QB. He was not accurate, he was not safe with the ball, he did not even have a big arm, so you couldn't tell guys to just go deep and let him throw it up there and hope. In 2012, he played in 6 games, starting 4. He threw 171 passes, with 7 INTs and no, repeat, ZERO TDs. This is a team that had Larry Fitzgerald, how do you not manage at least one TD where you just throw it high to him in the back of the end zone?! The only game they' won with Lindley as starter, the Lions had 6 turnovers, the Cards' defense scored 14 points, and the offense's three TD drives covered less than 40 yards, combined. Unless the Panthers were feeling very giving, there was no chance.

For one half, there was a chance. Carolina turned it over twice on their side of the field, Arizona scored TDs, and led 14-13. At halftime, the Panthers made the brilliant decision to stop doing that, and won 27-16. Arizona managed 8 first downs, had 3 turnovers, and 78 yards of total offense. Not for the half, for the entire game. How the defense didn't kill Lindley at some point, I don't know. It would have been justifiable. The Cards had drafted Logan Thomas at QB in the 3rd round before that season, and you had to wonder how useless he was that he couldn't even start over Lindley. Considering Thomas was trying to stay in the league as a tight end within two years, pretty useless.

2015: 13-3, outscored opponents by 176 points, this is the best Cardinals team I've ever seen. Palmer is healthy, they have a Top 2 offense and a Top 10 defense. Little concerning how Seattle came into their house and trucked them late in the year, but they had beaten the Seahawks in Seattle earlier in the year, so not too worried. Arizona even got a first round bye! I had never seen them manage that!

They play Green Bay first. Palmer is shaky, makes some bad passes. The defense lets Rodgers complete a Hail Mary to complete a big comeback and the game goes into OT. Then Larry Fitzgerald does what he does, makes some big plays and sends the Cheeseheads home sad. On to Carolina! Where Palmer apparently felt Lindley hadn't repaid the Panthers for Jake Delhomme's generosity in 2008 sufficiently. He threw 4 INTs and lost two fumbles. The Panthers' offense rolled through Arizona's defense, but it couldn't have helped that Palmer turned the ball over every five seconds.  After that, the team started getting old and broken down, and sank back to .500. And here we are now.

Whoo, that felt great. That shit has been burned into my brain and replayed for years. The team occasionally falling into something that works, only to trip over themselves before they can accomplish anything. I have no idea what the team will do this year. Betting on "mediocre" is the smart play, but who knows. I'm not sure how much I even care, as hard as that is to believe after that filibuster up there. If they start to win, am I going to get excited? Hell if I know. If it happens, with any luck I'll be distracted by baseball playoffs, the NBA season, or something else. Work, possibly.