To Save Money, Two Blog Celebrations In One

Narrator: IN THE LATE MORNING, AT CALVIN'S APARTMENT!

Clever Adolescent Panda: Hey, you made me almost drop the mashed potatoes!

Narrator: SORRY.

Calvin: Seriously, guy is at a 12, needs to be at like, a 4.

Narrator: THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I GET TO BELONG!

Calvin: Fine, just, wait until it's funny, OK?

{A knock at the door. Calvin peers through the peephole before opening the it, just in case it's people wanting to talk about Jesus. It isn't.}

Makes-Brakes-Fail-Lass: Yo. I brought quality beer from the East Coast -

Calvin: *scoffs* Pssh, we don't care about that. Get lost.

Makes-Brakes-Fail-Lass: - and pancakes. With the good maple syrup.

Calvin: *instantly cheerful* Well get the hell in here! Just set the food on the counter next to CAP. How you doin'?

{Clever Adolescent Panda pops up from in front of the stove and waves.}

M-B-F-L: Eh, not too bad. Couldn't you have had this a week ago? I have to drive all the way back home for my first day at my new job tomorrow!

Calvin: *waves dismissively* No one expects you to show up on time the first day.

CAP: We were going to have it after Thanksgiving like usual, but there were conflicts.

M-B-F-L: You had to go visit some other relatives?

CAP: No, I had to perform an exorcism at this old campground, but it turned out to be this angry reanimated corpse instead of a ghost, so I had to punch it a lot.

Calvin: Awesome.

CAP: Not really. He kept trying to cut me with stuff, but he was slow. Really slow.

M-B-F-L: Slow is good, though. I mean, you don't want to get cut, right?

CAP: I guess. It was boring, though.

{Another knock at the door. This time when Calvin opens it, Pollock and Cassanee are standing there.}

Pollock: *visibly annoyed, hands Calvin a tray* Here, I brought a platter of mixed steamed vegetables, and a medley pie. Where is your bathroom?

Cassanee: I brought chips. {Holds up a bag of tortilla chips}

Calvin: Aw sweet, chips! Bathroom's first door on your right down the hall. It's the room where the bucket fell on your head, remember?

{Pollock's eye twitches before she turns to Cassanee.}

Pollock: There's no window in his bathroom, so will you please just stay out here?!

{Pollock rushes down the hall and slams the door to the bathroom as she enters.}

M-B-F-L: What was that about?

CAP: Have you really been following her everywhere?

Cassanee: *nods*

CAP: Even the bathroom?!

Cassanee: Last time I didn't, she went out a window. I had to chase her for three hours.

{There's a long silence in the room. Then. . .}

Calvin: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

CAP: *trying to stifle laugh* Cassanee, you might be taking it a little far. And Calvin, you wouldn't like it if someone was around you absolutely all the time.

Calvin: *laughter gradually winding down* You're right about that. I'd go nuts after one day.

{Pollock emerges from the bathroom. Everyone takes a seat around the table. Food starts getting passed around.}

Pollock: *ladling chili into a bowl* I assume all the laughter was at my expense?

Calvin: *all about those pizza rolls* Not everything is about you, ya know? *pause* But yes.

Pollock: *grumbling* It's been exhausting. I had to tell everyone she's a bodyguard, which has gotten a lot of strange looks from the employees who remember her tearing the place apart.

Calvin: Who better to protect you than the person who got past all your defenses to punch you in the face a lot?

CAP: *turns to Cassanee* You went along with that?

Cassanee: It's fine. It keeps them from helping her escape.

Pollock: *turns to Makes-Brakes-Fail-Lass* I notice you didn't wipe out the mailboxes this year.

M-B-F-L: *putting the chili on top of the mashed potatoes* Yeah, I'm starting to get my power under control. Or keep it turned off, at least. I haven't really tried making someone's brakes fail yet.

Pollock: I can see how that would be a power you wouldn't find many chances to test safely.

Calvin: There's always Wade's suggestion to turn into a hitman.

CAP: Don't encourage her to kill people for money!

M-B-F-L: Kind of saving it for when I need to fake my death and flee the country.

Calvin: All the more reason to make sure you can make it work when you need it.

CAP: *trying to change the subject* Calvin, can you pass me those breakfast sandwiches you made?

Calvin: *happily* Sure. They turned out pretty well.

Pollock: Yes, I imagine microwaving frozen sandwiches was extremely taxing.

Cassanee: *around large bites of pancake* You brought store-bought pie.

Calvin: I'll have you know I made them, thank you. I mean, the biscuits were store bought, but I cooked the eggs and the chorizo.

CAP: *brightly* And you didn't set the kitchen on fire once!

Calvin: I have never started a kitchen fire in my life.

Pollock: Of course, one has to use a kitchen to burn it down.

Calvin: Exactly.

Pollock: You aren't supposed to agree with me about that!

Calvin: *feigning confusion* It's true, though.

M-B-F-L: I'm pretty sure I've seen you cook before, but whatevs. CAP, did you makes this chili? It's awesome, man!

CAP: That's right! 5-bean, 4-cheese chili, with 19 herbs and spices! I might have used too much faranat.

Pollock: Faranat?

CAP: *nodding sagely* Yeah. Pandas know a lot of spices humans don't.

Pollock: Really? I don't suppose. . .

CAP: I'm not telling you what they are.

Pollock: But we could market them and make a fortune. Call them artisanal spices and charge exorbitant prices!

CAP: *firmly* No.

Cassanee: Any luck tracing those transmitters the Amilgars had?

CAP: *shakes head* They were really set up well. All the ones I've looked at have been completely fried. Half of them crumbled to dust when I touched them. I have some friends looking at the Amilgars themselves, but I don't know what that will tell us.

Cassanee: *jerks head at Pollock* She hasn't had any luck, either.

Pollock: You are very distracting!

M-B-F-L: Calvin filled me in on what happened. I saw those things out in the woods a couple of times, but I didn't know they were on a rampage. Guess I'm lucky they didn't chase me that one time I ran into a bunch of them.

Calvin: I mean, I got away from them twice. You'd probably be OK.

Pollock: I believe the panda and the surly girl here had much to do with your survival. And my genius, of course.

Calvin: Hey, don't discount my solid cardiovascular conditioning! I'm a good runner!

CAP: That's right! I never had to carry Calvin because he was too tired, unlike someone.

Pollock: I twisted my ankle on that uneven soil!

Cassanee: Everyone twists their ankles out there. Most of us don't whine about it.

Pollock: I make a conscious decision to monitor my condition carefully.

M-B-F-L: *around mouthfuls of ham* Wow, you really are Calvin's opposite.

Narrator: ELSEWHERE. . .

Shadowy Voice: They won't be able to find anything, correct?

Nervous, Kiss-assy Shadowy Voice: No sir, definitely not. I mean, I'm pretty sure there shouldn't be anyway to trace anything back to us. Nothing originated here.

Shadowy Voice: There's a panda involved. Don't underestimate their resources.

Nervous, Kiss-assy Shadowy Voice: No sir, I definitely won't. *pause* Um, what should I do then?

Shadowy Voice: Nothing for now. Just be ready to destroy any connections to this place if they look like they're figuring things out. Arrange for some distractions too, just in case.

{If one could see in the dark, they'd see a seemingly dopey grin on the face the shadowy voice emerged from. If one could see in the dark, they'd also see that the grin in no way watched the coldly cunning look in the eyes, and that the smile seemed to grow wider and sharper by the second.}

Narrator: LATER, BACK AT CALVIN'S APARTMENT!

M-B-F-L: *slurring slightly* Whass that about?

Calvin: I dunno. But he did that randomly a couple of years ago too and nothing came of it. I'm sure it's fine.

Narrator: IT WOULD NOT BE FINE.

Calvin: Eh, what does he know?

CAP: OK, I know it's a couple of weeks late, but what's everyone thankful for? I'm thankful I'm enrolled in a study program where I get to help spirits find peace. That I can make really good chili, and that I have all of you as friends. Except Pollock.

Pollock: *muttering* Ungrateful, snide little. . .

M-B-F-L: A job! Actual benefits! Whoo! {She almost falls out of her chair} And people who will help me get home in time to go to work tomorrow?

Calvin: Don't look at me. I got work tomorrow, too.

Pollock: *sighs* It's on the way, I'll get her there.

M-B-F-L: Awwww, thanksh. I don't care what Calvin and the panda say about you being an uptight, amoral jerk, yer OK by mee.

CAP: How many beers has she had?

Calvin: *checks the fridge while getting another soda* Uh, two, it looks like.

Cassanee: I'm grateful for the two of you caring enough to come check on me.

Pollock: *coughs noticeably* A-hem.

Cassanee: Yes. I'm also grateful I can bother Pollock by following her everywhere.

Pollock: Is everyone going to mock me during this?

Calvin: We usually do. But OK, my turn. I'm grateful my blog has managed to continue, that people will actually still come to these get-togethers, even though Deadpool isn't here, that the sketches I tried to do this year mostly went well, and that Pollock actually did help in the woods.

Pollock: *surprised* Really?

Cassanee: *skeptically* Really?

Calvin: She didn't have to, so sure, why not?

M-B-F-L: *from the floor* Aww, that's so sweet! You're like besties now!

Calvin and Pollock: The hell we are!

CAP: That leaves you Pollock.

Pollock: I'm grateful my company didn't suffer any major setbacks this year. I'm grateful my security chief is finally going to take some vacation time. Androzier is really starting to put everyone on edge. I'm grateful I have the indomitable will to overcome being harassed by you bunch of idiots, even if this is more fun than the company holiday parties. *pause* I need a better party-planning committee.

Calvin: That was. . . almost complimentary towards us?

CAP: If we're being charitable. So, what's ahead for the next year of the blog?

Calvin: Probably the same as this year. No plans for any new features as yet. Fourteenth verse, same as the first thirteen.

CAP: Start buying Deadpool's comic so he can show up again.

Calvin: No. I've not heard good things. Really, I haven't heard anything since the first issue. None of the places I used to read about comics seem to review new comics any more. But I learned my lesson about buying the Deadpool series that comes after one that I really enjoyed. You want to relive the Daniel Way years?

Pollock: His presence would liven up my company's holiday parties. As it is, the only people who show up are the ones with nothing better to do. It's more depressing than anything else.

M-B-F-L: *snores* Hands, hands off my booze, Wade. . .

Calvin: See, Makes-Brakes-Fail-Lass doesn't want Deadpool back!

CAP: She's unconscious, that doesn't count!

Calvin: I never thought I'd see the day Clever Adolescent Panda supported voter suppression. Tsk, tsk, so disappointing.

Pollock: I thought I was the one who tried to mess with the panda's self-confidence that way.

Calvin: Eh, I'm flexible when it suits my purpose. Cass, what's your vote?

Cassanee: *eating half that fruit medley pie* I don't care. I only see Deadpool at these get-togethers.

Calvin: There you go, 2 for, 2 against, 1 abstain. Blog Constitution says tie-break goes to me, the "No"s have it, until he gets a creative team I'm more interested in, or a mini-series that sounds good!

CAP: Booooo.