Calvin Can't Comment Right Now

Hi again everyone! Adorable Baby Panda here, with my sidekick Calvin, of course. Right, Calvin?

Calvin? {ARGH! Damnit!}

Looks like I might be on my own for this one. Calvin's busy yelling at Shadow of the Colossus. {You putrid, pixellated pack of patheticness, why the hell didn't you do a few pull-ups before embarking on your quest to resurrect the pretty girl?! Surely you knew there'd be a test?!} Well, maybe he'll get frustrated and take a break, and then he can join in. So let's just start without him.

First off, I want to Bonk some people, so here's one for Charlie the Prison Guard, because he's supposed to be enforcing the law, and instead he's taking bribes and picking up the Kingpin's laundry. Bad Charlie! Just for that, I'm gonna have the panda mystics place a curse on you, so that your family vacations will be as noisy and unpleasant as possible! Secondly, a series of Bonks to those aliens that attacked the Church of Pama in Annihilation: Conquest Prologue. I mean, I know you're hungry and cold, but it's a temple that isn't even finished being fixed. Come on, that's just wrong, even more than stealing normally is! More Bonks to Doctor Gotham. Why? Well, he's using a bus full of kids as bait, he - {Damn you pudgy little twit! Stab him in that shiny symbol thing! I told you to stab! I don't care that he's shaking his head back and forth vigorously, STAB!} he's working for a monster that doesn't care who dies to make it stronger, even if it's him. We talked about that with the Davos/HYDRA thing in Immortal Iron Fist. You shouldn't work for a boss that would be happy if you die. Oh yeah, and Doctor Gotham's pony tail is stupid. It's too long, and he looks too old to make it work, so nyah! Finally, a Bonk for Ultimate Kingpin. you promised to leave the country if they didn't hurt your wife, but then you tell your guy to kill Daredevil, and even though they didn't tell you not to try that specifically, you know that's going to get Spider-Man to send Nick Fury after you. You should never want that, so that means you're stupid, so Bonk!

Well, now that all the losers are taken care of, let's give some Applause, starting with Phyla-Vell. She needs some work before she can protect the whole universe, but she's knows that, and she's trying to get better, and I think that's, um, uh Calvin, what's the word I'm looking for {Oh cripes kid, you ride a horse worse than me, and I've never ridden a horse in my life! You're thinking of "commendable"! What? You can't even make the horse get out of the way when you're trying to shoot? Link never had these problems getting Epona to do what he wanted!} That's it! It's commendable. I think Phyla's doing better than she thinks. She made a cool energy whip, and a shield at the same time, that can't be that easy to do. Applause for Blue Devil. I don't think going on TV and telling everyone you made a mistake selling your soul to the Devil will stop kids from doing it, but you tried. And you didn't get your head cut off, which maybe doesn't deserve applause, but it's a good thing. Finally, Applause for Ultimate Spider-Man. Sure he was pretty mad last issue, with the crazy person shooting up his school, and Kingpin telling him he knew about the plan the whole time. But he got under control, and stopped Daredevil from doing something he would have felt really bad about later. Maybe two things, it sure looked like Daredevil wanted to kill Iron Fist, and Spidey helped hold him back, so good job Spidey! That's why you're the best!

{What is this thing I'm fighting, some weird horse/turtle combo?} It has horns, maybe it's a bull? {A bull? That's crazy talk! I would never have this much trouble killing a bovine, giant version made of stone or not!}

Moving on, I want to Hug Mary Jane. I meant to give her a hug last month, but I forgot. I just feel bad for her. Aunt May's in a coma, and Peter's running around hurting people, and all MJ gets to do is sit there, watch May, and hope SHIELD doesn't show up to arrest her for something. She needs to get to punch somebody. Hugs for Peter Quill, who convinced the Kree to work with the SpaceKnights, which is how the Kree Empire got in the mess it's in now. I'm worried Ronan is gonna hit him really hard when he finds him, and with all the times he got shot already, that could hurt a lot. {Oh, forget this! My mother's a better Colossi Slayer! Eat dirt, aggravation-inducing gaming experience!} Um, anyway, Hug for all the school kids that were being used as bait by Doctor Gotham. They probably won't mind, because they get a story to tell the other kids tomorrow, but I know it'll warp one of the kids' minds and turn them evil. {Hey, I'm here! Let's get started!} I'm almost done, as soon as I give Ultimate Daredevil a hug for losing his law office. {What? You started without me?} You were busy yelling bad words at the game. {Still. . . Well, whatever. You ought to be giving Daredevil a hug because he's realized he's got enough rage inside he was gonna kill a comatose woman, just because the Kingpin loves her, and that'll certainly mess with your self-esteem.} I know, that was gonna be the other part of the hug.

So, that was it. Do you need a hug, after all the angry gaming? {Nah, I'm not really angry at the game, I actually was having success. I just wanted everyone to think I was succumbing to advanced paranoid schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. Really though, I'm a very gentle person.} That is so mean. I was gonna give you a hug to make you feel better, but now. . . you get a Bonk! {Ow! You've been giving Tony Stark bonks every week for like three months, I'm amazed he has any brain cells left!} Actually, I hit Iron Man a lot harder, but now he keeps hopping into his armor every time I show up, so I'm not sure he's feeling it. {My Swiss Army knife has a can opener if you're interested.} Hmm. . .