Pandas Carving Things With Chainsaws!

{Um. . . O-K. Say, ABP, you look bigger than you did the last time I saw you.} Growth spurt. I'm Acne-Laden, Obnoxious Teenage Panda now! {Pandas get acne?} Sure, you just can't see it under all our huggably soft fur. Just like Snuggles! {Snuggles, the fabric softener bear? You know about him?} Of course! All bears keep up with our successful brethren, so we can mooch off them! {Mooching doesn't sound very panda-like.} *mocking tone* 'Mooching doesn't sound very panda like.' Which one of us is the panda here? *pause* Seriously, which one of us is the panda? {Uh, you?} Right, right. And don't you forget it! Now let's get to this thing!

Well, I'm going to Applaud that Booster Gold for dressing up as Elvis, and showing off his chest. Bold statement there. And Barbara Gordon gets some Applause for that kick in the face. Enjoy those legs while you got them, honey. {A, um, A-LOTP, that's awful. We're going to get assaulted by hordes of offended fans now.} Only if they can haul their cans off the sofa in their mother's basements. {Wow, that's an overused reference. Hmm, overused reference. . .} Moving along, I'll give those Outsiders some Hugs, because without Batman around, their book is doomed. Seriously, it never goes well when a character whose name is in the title leaves the book. {How would you know?} I know stuff, like that guy that won all those times on Jeopardy. {So that's how that Layla Miller one-shot ended: She died and was resurrected as a panda.} Righto.

Well, that awesome Deadpool has an outstanding new series, so I think he deserves all the other Applause. {Why? He's consorting with Skrulls. he's a filthy traitor!} Shut your lying cow mouth or I'll trap you in a world written solely by Brian Michael Bendis! Dynamic Deadpool is obviously tricking the Skrulls! {So, does Cosmo gets some applause, since that means he's also obviously tricking the Skrulls?} Oh no. He's a true-blue Skrull lover, which is why he gets a Stabbing. {Stabbing?} I'm a teen now. Bonking is uncool. Stabbing is where it's at. Haven't you seen X-Force? {Unfortunately, yes. Let's move on before any of what I've seen makes it past the mental blocks I placed.}

{Say, how about a hug for Mayday Parker, what with nearly getting blown up, and replaced by this crazed other version of herself.} Nah. I will however, give that Other May an Uncomfortably Long Hug. {What?} She was the one trapped in a tube all that time. Besides, it's not so bad being replaced. Sometimes the new version is better than the old version. {Give me one example.}

Voice From the Window: What is going on here?

Acne-Laden, Obnoxious Teenage Panda: Uh-oh.

Calvin: Adorable Baby Panda?! But if you're there, then who - ?

A-LOTP: Oh no you don't. You're not going to pull a Marvel Editorial, with me playing Ben Reilly! I'm the real panda who talks about comics!

Calvin: *shaking head repeatedly* Oh no. No, no, no, no, no.

ABP: The heck you are! "Stabbings"?! That isn't the panda way!

A-LOTP: What would you know? You're just a stupid baby! I've taken care of babies before! You're all cute and drooling one second, then you're running around telekinetically throwing stuff across the room and performing brain surgery!

ABP: That's it! *prepares to lunge*

A-LOTP: Just bring it, little furry dude! You can't stop me, I'm in like Flynn!

Calvin: Enough! We are not having some confusing battle of "Who's the Original and Who's the Clone?" here! This is a place for possibly significant battles with your complete opposite, who provides a mirror for how you view yourself at this moment! No clone stuff!

A-LOTP: Clones? No clones man, alien imposters! It's "Who's the Original and Who's the Skrull?"!

ABP and Calvin: NO SKRULLS! *DOUBLESOCKINDAJAW-ADOOM*

Calvin: Well, I guess your distaste for Skrulls confirms you're the real thing. But who is this?

*ABP rolls its eyes and taps an invisible device on Acne-Laden, Obnoxious Teenage Panda's prone form. A-LOTP's form begins to shimmer, and is replaced by. . . Deadpool.*

Calvin: Deadpool, I. . . I can't even fake being surprised that he would turn up.

ABP: I can't believe you thought he was me.

Calvin: Give me a break. I haven't seen you in over two weeks.

Deadpool: *mostly unconscious, mumbles* More green beans, Bea?

ABP: So? Pandas don't suddenly triple in size, you know.

Calvin: I thought maybe you got into some Pym Particles.

ABP: Pym Particles? That would just make me larger. Why would I be acting so different?

Calvin: Um, you were trying to act older?

ABP: . . . I think I want to leave now. Can I take the comics?

Calvin: Sure. Will you take Wade with you?

Deadpool: *still mostly unconscious, mumbles* More buttery waffles for Sandi and Outlaw. No Hayden, not until you stop using the forklift to get around.

ABP: Oh yes. I want to have a talk with him. *ABP trundles off, comics in a bag held in it's mouth, Wade's still unconscious form dragged behind like a sled. Or a sack of garbage.*

Calvin: *calls after ABP* No stabbing!

{Editor's note: Well, we had to do something to commemorate Deadpool getting another series, right? Besides, we haven't seen him since the Flying Castle fiasco back in June. I have to say, I can't do the "dated pop culture reference" shtick for him. Probably because I have no concept of what's dated. Well, that and a lack of knowledge of pop culture. Anyway, hopefully it wasn't too surprising that it wound up being Wade. I was foreshadowing as obviously as I could.}