Movie Review Post. Or Not

Calvin: Hmm, what to post about today? I guess I could my In Bruges review. Wait, I haven't watched it yet. Guess I could do that first. Or review it without watching it.

Voice Behind Calvin: Or you could take my earlier suggestion and blog your death.

{Calvin twists in his chair.} Oh, hey UnCalvin.

UnCalvin: 'Oh, hey'? That's all you have to say when facing your destined doom?

Calvin: Sorry. I meant to say, "UnCalvin?! I thought I'd seen the last of you at that volcano in Tierra del Fuego! You're looking quite dapper. Very Angry Cary Grant."

UnCalvin: I don't require your patronizing playacting! Though I do appreciate your compliment. Nonetheless, the end of our days of banal back-and-forth are nigh!

Calvin: I think you're trying to hard with the alliteration. If you keep forcing it, you'll rupture something.

UnCalvin: Worry less for me, and more for your own fate! This time, I have ensured your squad of sycophants won't be able to provide you with an advantage!

Calvin: Technically, when they beat you, I'm never around, and when you and I square off, it's just the two of us.

UnCalvin: Yet, it is indisputable that you have allies, while I have had, at best, minions. Loyal to be sure, but their general facelessness rendered them useless against your recurring characters.

Calvin: Well, that is certainly true.

UnCalvin: {Sharply} No longer! I have assembled my own crack squad, designed to counter yours perfectly! Introducing. . . {waves towards door, a tall, well-tanned, clean-shaven fellow with long hair, in a tank top, shorts, and wearing a backpack rushes in} my expert on all things extreme, the counter to your computer-oriented comrade, Atticus, Joseph Yavin!

Joseph Yavin: Brah, can we hurry this up? I'm going cliff diving into leeches in two hours. {Opens bottle of Mountain Dew, pours five sugar packets in, drinks entire bottle in ten seconds} Whooo!

UnCalvin: And I'm sure you remember {motions towards ceiling vent, from which a disgusting lump of dirty feathers falls onto the floor with a splat} Hideous Baby Penguin?

Calvin: I thought the Hideous Baby Penguin was reformed by the pandas?

UnCalvin: {Haughtily} Reformed? Hardly. Subjected to intense mind-warping drugs and therapy? Certainly. The poor thing's equilibrium is permanently damaged, and as for it's mind, well we don't discuss that in front of it. It would be disrespectful.

Hideous Baby Penguin: {Shakes head, wobbles as if dizzy.} Pen, Penguin! Guin, guin, pen! Penguin!

Calvin: No, we are not having a little critter that talks like that on this blog, because the next thing you know, it'll be getting stored in a little red-and-white ball, and I am not getting sued! Either it proves it can say something else, or it can't stay here.

Hideous Baby Penguin: {screeching} DEATH TO THE PANDAS!

UnCalvin: Careful what you wish for, old boy. There's more, too. Introducing. . . {Waves once again towards the door. No one enters. UnCalvin looks annoyed, and leans into the hallway.} Get in here! I don't care that you don't want to raise a fuss! You are part of this coalition, and we must present a formidable front! Get in here! As I was saying, introducing. . . {Waves sharply at door. A middle-aged fellow enters the room, dressed in an old-style black suit, with a long beard, the lower half of which is grey, and his hair swept back to reveal a large forehead. He seems rather embarrassed by the fuss. Also, he's floating a few inches off the ground, and is partially transparent.} the Ghost of Rutherford B. Hayes!

Ghost of Rutherford B. Hayes: So nice to make your acquaintance. Terribly sorry to impose on you.

Calvin: I'll admit it, that one surprises me.

UnCalvin: Oh, but the sweetest surprise is still to come. Presenting the final piece of my organization. . . {Points at the window behind Calvin} Deadpool! {Window explodes inward. Deadpool leaps in does a nifty little tuck and roll and pops to his feet. He casually brushes glass shards off him self.}

Joseph Yavin: Oh, brah, that was extremely awesome! High five! {Joseph Yavin's raised palm is left hanging} You should come rhino tattooing with me. It's maximum radness!

Deadpool: {Aims typically large weapon at Calvin's head.} [Sorry chucklehead, but UnCalvin's paying good money for me to class up this band of bozos, which means you're the fish in the barrel.]

Calvin: Oh, now you're alliterating too? Swell. I'm not surprised you're here Wade, but I at least thought you'd be doing this for love, not money. What happened to you? You used to be cool.

Deadpool: [None of the guys writing me can come up with any stories besides "Deadpool needs money, so he takes really tough job and gets screwed", so I'm stuck trying to work out of that hole. Figure I take this easy, high-paying gig, and I can write my own story. Plus, who says love can't bloom through business? Look at Pretty Woman!]

Calvin: Not even if you paid me. And are you saying you're Julia Roberts? Ha!

UnCalvin: This is all very droll, but I'm afraid we have other places to be, so we need to begin. Now Calvin, if you would be so kind as to move aside and allow me access to your computer, I'll destroy your blog, and we can all get on with our days.

Ghost of Rutherford B. Hayes: Pardon me. I don't truly understand these computers, but from what I know, couldn't you have destroyed his, um, blog, from someplace far away from here?

Deadpool: [Ruthie, the Boring Ghost is right. I'm no computer whiz, but even I know that.]

Joseph Yavin: Yeah, there's this sweet little cafe in Kingston with wi-fi we could have used. Then we could go floss with jellyfish! It's supremely hardcore!

Hideous Baby Penguin: {Sqawks doubtfully, shakes head.}

UnCalvin: Yes, I am quite aware of that. But if I were to do this from Kingston, as Joseph suggested, I wouldn't have the joy I'll gain from seeing Calvin's face as I wreck his precious blog. The fact I'm using his own computer only heightens my amusement. Ho, ho, ho.

{Abruptly, a portion of the wall is ripped away, and tossed away.}

Booming, Slightly Cracking Voice: YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS WITH THIS BULLSHIT!!!

To be continued. . . At some point I've yet to determine.