Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Reversals of Fortune Abound

Clever Adolescent Panda (CAP): Come on, Calvin, let's go do something!

Calvin: *slouched in chair* {Eh, I don't feel like it.}

CAP: We should at least get ready for UnCalvin. You know she'll be here sometime in the next few days.

Calvin: {I know, but I just don't have the energy for it. Besides, we've got time.}

*Door flies open. UnCalvin stands there, smiling broadly, rocking the pirates boots and cape like a boss.*

UnCalvin: How are you hapless cretins doing?!

CAP: UnCalvin?! What are you doing here, on time?

UnCalvin: *very chipper* I've been exceptionally productive lately, and I was able to clear my schedule!

CAP: Congratulations?

Calvin: {Yeah, just like my dad, once every 7 years you manage to get somewhere on time. *twirls index finger in the air lazily* Whoo.}

UnCalvin: Ignoring that! I considered the possibility you would attempt another preemptive strike, so I thought I would bring an old friend to see you!

CAP: *wary* An old friend?

Calvin: {Oh come on, nobody was actually clamoring for the return of Sgt. Johansson from the okra farm. Wait, you didn't abduct Makes Brakes Fail Lass did you? She just started that job in Utah!}

UnCalvin: No, of course I didn't abduct anyone. Yet. *big smile* Just kidding! No abductions at all!

Calvin: {But miniature American flags for all!}

CAP: Booooo.

UnCalvin: *forced laugh* Haha, yes, very droll. Now be quiet, I'm trying to show you the Blender Furby!

CAP: Gasp, Blender Furby?! Hooray, you're OK!

Blender Furby: Hello friend, how are you today? Lovely weather we're having!

CAP: It seems different.

Blender Furby: Cut the crap, verdammt idiot, I'm the same happenin' dude as always.

Calvin: {Sounds alright to me.}

UnCalvin: I told you I wouldn't remove what it picked up from you and Calvin.

Blender Furby: There's two kinds of people: Those who enjoy milkshakes, and those who get kicked in THE FACE!

Calvin: {Good thing I like milkshakes, then.}

CAP: It doesn't really have any legs to kick you with, though.

UnCalvin: Ah, but that's where you're wrong. *UnCalvin whistles, and a large, headless body wearing a sweater enters the room. UnCalvin puts the Blender Furby on its broad shoulders and gives a slight twist. There's a gentle click as it locks into place.*

Blender Furby: Now, who wants fruit smoothies? *flexes*

CAP: That's the Predator Drone's body!

Calvin: {What happened to the milkshakes we were promised?}

UnCalvin: I had to do something with that body after the head was destroyed. And our research indicated people who exercise would appreciate a drink maker that can travel with them while they work out. And the fact the Drone's body was in excellent shape means it can carry all the drink ingredients itself, so they don't have to.

Calvin: {Unless they want to, of course. Many people use sacks of oranges in lieu of weighted training clothes.}

CAP: No, they don't.

Calvin: {Well they should.}

UnCalvin: It's irrelevant, but seriously, no, they don't. Now let's all have smoothies! *tosses lots of fruit and ice into the Blender Furby* Can someone get some glasses?

Calvin: *shrugs* {I'm not really in a "getting up" mood.}

CAP: *sighs* I'll do it.

Blender Furby: *vibrating* Y-y-y-y-ouuuuu c-c-c-ca-n-n-n-n d-ooooo it! J-usst a fewwwwww m-ooo-re laps, iffffff yo-uuuu feeeel like it!

UnCalvin: We taught it various supportive phrases.

Calvin: {Ditching the abusive appliance market?}

UnCalvin: The Sarcastic Coffeepot didn't test well, as you know.

CAP: *returning from kitchen* I hated that thing, it was so mean. But how did you know we didn't like it?

Calvin: {I filled out the online survey they mentioned on the receipt.}

UnCalvin: And we appreciated that feedback.

Calvin: {Then why do you keep sending me junk e-mails?}

UnCalvin: *through a perfect, toothy smile, which is completely insincere* We're just trying to keep you apprised of our latest product lines!

Calvin: {How are you such a bad liar? I'm not that good at it!}

CAP: I don't know. You convinced Alex you had a split personality named Nigel once.

Calvin: {Oh yeah, ha. I'd forgotten about that.}

UnCalvin: Yes, haha, let's drink to your remarkable skills of deceitfulness! *pours smoothies*

CAP: You are bad at lying.

UnCalvin: Shut up and drink!

Calvin: {That's OK, I'm not really into smoothies. Thanks, though.}

UnCalvin: What? No nonono, you, you have to drink. Come on, it's a toast!

Calvin: {Well that's not suspicious. Blender Furby, is there a reason UnCalvin wants us to drink?}

Blender Furby: The fruit was grown in Smile Time Labs, and is specially formulated so the citric acid turns to thermite when I sing "Alabama Song". Poly wolly doodle all day!

CAP: *spits out smoothie, levels finger at UnCalvin* You fiend!

UnCalvin: *gobsmacked* What are you doing?

Calvin: *still slouched in chair* {I taught the Blender Furby profanity, sports trivia, and Leone movie quotes, it's true. The panda impressed upon it the need to be truthful with others.}

CAP: *proud* Yep, I guess that was something else you didn't wipe when you left in all the stuff Calvin taught it.

UnCalvin: Wait, are you saying you took advantage of my compassion to ensure the seeds of future defeats? How could you?

CAP: *taps fingers together nervously* Noooo, not exactly. I didn't know what you were going to do with Blender Furby, and I really thought teaching it to be honest was a good idea. And I was right. The fact it thwarts you is just a bonus.

Calvin: {I'll admit, I had my doubts, but watching UnCalvin's stomps and shouts, it's safe to say, it all worked out.}

CAP: Did, did you just try to speak in rhyme?

Calvin: {Yeah.}

CAP: It was awful. Don't ever do that again.

UnCalvin: Indeed. And for what you've done to the English language, you must die! *Grabs remainder of smoothie in the blender, hurls it at CAP and Calvin* Now, sing the song!

Blender Furby: Oh, if, we don't get, to the, next whiskey bar - I tell you we must die, I tell you we must die.

CAP: Duck and cover! *tackles Calvin, knocking him and his chair over. The smoothie thermite splashes against the chair, and begins to melt it. Is that how thermite works? Why not, it's how fruit-based thermite behaves. It is so decreed.*

Calvin: {Hey! My butt enjoyed sitting there! Now I don't feel sorry at all for sending Deadpool to trash your offices!}

UnCalvin: You didn't.

Calvin: {Of course I did. Unlike some people, I always plan ahead.}

*At the offices of Smile Time Solutions, Deadpool has long since finished destroying property, and is now sitting in the remains of the lab, drinking with the scientists*

Deadpool: [So you guys aren't working on hoverboards? At all?]

Researcher: No sir, there's enough other people working in the Back to the Future nostalgia market. We are working on cold fusion, though. As kind of a side project.

Deadpool: [Fusion? Pfft, who cares about a nearly limitless source of energy]

Researcher: Well, we're also working on food that cooks itself.

Deadpool: [Now you're talking! Lead the way! Say, don't I know you from somewhere?]

Researcher: Um, you demonstrated, what did you call it, pants-dropping solidarity, with me at a party here last year.

Deadpool: [Of course, I didn't recognize you from this end! How're you doing?]

Researcher: Oh, you know, working with mad science. Counting my lucky stars I didn't get fired for dropping my pants in front of my bosses.

Deadpool: [I drop my pants in front of employers all the time, and they almost never get sore about it. Well, except for Logan. And Cable. And Cyclops. And. . .]

*Back at Calvin's place*

UnCalvin: Curse you, Calvin! I'll get you for this! *turns to flee*

CAP: Oh no you don't! Nobody tries to kill me with false offerings of beverages and gets away without a righteous beating!

UnCalvin: Blender Furby, unleash defense protocol 7-Z!

Blender Furby: *speaking in a familiar, sinister monotone* So, funny story, all the defense protocols are the same thing. We just use different titles to sound like we have a lot of plans.

CAP: Oh no. *groans, clutches ears, falls to ground*

Blender Furby: So, funny story, turns out the security cameras recorded the Predator Drone's talking, and I got to spend hour after hour, after hour, watching it. Until I could mimic his voice perfectly. The big empty space of the blender lets my voice reverberate perfectly.

Calvin: {That. . . that doesn't sound very funny. That sounds like a horrible experience. *collapses*}

Blender Furby: You might be right, but it got me this sweet body *poses with one arm stretched out, pointing to the sky, the other flexed near its head* so it can't be all bad.

CAP: Blender Furby. . . don't. . .be evil.

Blender Furby: So, funny story, I don't know what I'll be yet. *follows UnCalvin out the door*

CAP: Ugh, did UnCalvin win that one, or am I crazy?

Calvin: {He destroyed my chair, so I'm going with yes. It's fine. I mean, I liked that chair, but UnCalvin needs a win every so often. Besides being in control of a corporation with decent profit margins and having good fashion sense.}

CAP: That's a good way to look at things. *pause* I shouldn't have left Blender Furby with her, though.

Calvin: {Yeah, but how could you know leaving an essentially infant sentience in UnCalvin's control would be as bad an idea as leaving it with me would have been (just for different reasons)?}

CAP: You're not helping me feel better!

Calvin: *sighs* {Here, have some oatmeal raisin cookies while I go get some tools so we can at least repair this hole in the floor. Don't want to lose the security deposit.}

CAP: OK. Munch, munch, munch. Wait, these cookies aren't made out of love, are they?

Calvin: {Only in the metaphorical sense.}

CAP: Oh, well that's perfectly acceptable. Munch, munch, munch.

Calvin: {Hey, save some for me!}

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