A Holiday Ascension

Narrator: WITHIN THE UNPLEASANTLY CHILLY CONFINES OF CALVIN'S APARTMENT!

Calvin: Unpleasantly chilly?

Clever Adolescent Panda: He's right, can we turn up the heat?

Calvin: Do I look like I'm made of money? Just huddle over here by the oven.

Rhodez: You're turning into a dad.

*There's a knock at the door. Calvin throws his friend a flat look as he goes to answer it.*

Calvin: Absolutely not. I'm just cheap as hell and you know it.

Voice from the Doorway: We certainly do.

Rhodez: *raises a root beer from her seat on the couch* Pollock!

Calvin: And that's why you go through money like a kid away at college with their first credit card, right?

Pollock: *enters the apartment, sets a dish on the countertop* I'm a job creator. All my spending is a boost to the economy.

CAP: Technically, isn't all spending a boost to the economy?

Pollock: Yes, but you only get to claim tax benefits if you do a lot of it.

Calvin: *claps his hands* Can the balloon juice!

Cassanee: *lounging in a camp chair* Balloon juice?

Calvin: You keep discussing economics and we'll be in comas before we even start eating.

Pollock: *takes a seat at the other end of the couch* I see you made it here again, Cassanee.

Cassanee: *shrugs* Rhodez picked me up.

Rhodez: It was on the way, and I wanted to see the place again.

Pollock: Yes, it would be chilly to drive all the way here on your tractor.

Cassanee: *casually kicks Pollock's shin* I have a motorcycle.

Calvin: Point kinda stands then, doesn't it?

*Everyone stares, including Pollock*

Pollock: Did you just, agree with me?

Calvin: That it's not great weather to be driving in an open air vehicle? Yeah. Especially when Rhodez has a good ride, assuming the fine people of America's Crotch haven't hit it again.

Rhodez: They haven't, but man, don't call it that. I live in the elbow.

Calvin: *wrinkles his nose* That just sounds weird.

CAP: *nods while wearing a solemn expression* It really does.

Rhodez: Fine, y'all are ganging up on me now!

Pollock: I hesitate to ask, but was Deadpool invited?

Calvin: I dropped his book before spring, so no.

CAP: You really did give it less of a chance than Tiger Division.

Calvin: Yeah, but sticking with that mini-series the whole way through was a mistake.

Rhodez: You do that a lot.

Calvin: Yes, I learn slowly, if at all.

Calvin: *sighs and hangs his head. An awkward silence settles over the room. His head shoots back up* So! Who's ready to eat? I went with the fried fish and hush puppies route, plus some of my mom's cornbread.

CAP: I brought some of my bamboo noodle soup! *hefts a big bowl over their head* I didn't know how people would want to spice it, so I set those out where you can add what you want.

Pollock: Is bamboo actually edible for humans?

Calvin: *waggles his hand* I tried a little earlier. It's like noodles of extra-crunchy celery.

Pollock: But can you digest it?

Calvin: Guess we'll see in a few hours.

Rhodez: Calvin said breakfast food was always OK, so pancakes. With the good maple syrup. Also, I brought some root beer, because I know Calvin doesn't drink good soda.

Cassanee: Venison burgers and mashed potatoes.

Pollock: I brought a vegetable tangine, and a cheesecake with crushed cookie and sour cream frosting.

*The cake seems to pulse from the sheer amount of sugar contained within it.*

Rhodez: Damn, that thing looks loaded.

Calvin: We'll need one of those bunkers from Oppenheimer just to protect ourselves when we cut it.

CAP: *sniffs the cake* Is this a trick to kill us?

Pollock: I believe there's a no killing truce for these gatherings?

Cassanee: Could just make us sick.

Pollock: *indignant* You don't have to eat it if you don't want! I'll take it to work!

Calvin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not be hasty. I'll have some. . .just let me update my will first.

Narrator: LATER, AFTER EATING!

Rhodez: *sprawled on the couch* Oooof. I'm gonna need to run so much next week.

CAP: *slides out of his chair into a big furry lump on the floor* Uh-huh.

Pollock: Yes, that was. . .a lot. The soup was quite tasty, furball. Very hearty.

CAP: Th, thanks. So was the tangine.

Pollock: What is the magenta spice, with the citrus tang?

CAP: Requingyou, and no, I'm not going into business selling artisanal spices with you.

Pollock: Of course not! The new generation want to do it themselves. Sustainable growth and all that. Just loan me a few shoots and - 

CAP: No.

Rhodez: *tries to rise off the couch, fails* Did anyone try the cake yet?

Cassanee: *curled up in her cloak in the camp chair, points to the balcony* Calvin.

*Calvin is standing very still, his back to them*

CAP: Calvin?

*No response*

Rhodez: Is somebody humming?

Pollock: It's not humming, he's vibrating.

Calvin: *voice rising and falling in pitch* I see the beginning and the end. The birth of inspiration and frustration. The gaping cold maw of entropy and obsolescence. They intertwine, the paths not taken and those yet to be. The distraction and disaffection of the hand. . .

CAP: He's talking in vague portents!

Pollock: *tries to cover ears* Yes, it's quite annoying. Shut up, clod, and let us enjoy our deep sleeps!

CAP: *trying to roll to an upright position* If we don't stop him, he'll ascend to godhood!

Rhodez: *also trying to get up* Pretty sure if Calvin becomes god he'll kill everybody.

Pollock: *rolls her eyes* Oh please, he's not going to ascend to godhood. At best, he'll vibrate at higher and higher rates until he pierces the fabric of spacetime like a sword, and is thrown into another reality. *perks up noticeably* That sounds like an excellent outcome, actually.

CAP: Really? What happens when you pierce spacetime like that?

Pollock: Typically? An extreme release of. . .uncontrolled energy. Oh.

CAP: *very sarcastically* Yeeeeeeeeees, oh.

Pollock: *on her feet* We have to stop him! I'm not being killed by an imbecile overloaded on cake!

*Clever Adolescent Panda tries to grab hold of Calvin, but the closer they get, the more they slow down. Their fur undulates as though walking into an oscillating wind, until they're finally repelled. The floor creaks ominously, the humming growing louder every second.*

Pollock: We need to disrupt the wavelength! *hurls a tiny metal sphere. It explodes, but the shockwaves are slowed by those emanating from Calvin, until they hang suspended in the air.* That's sub-optimal.

Calvin: *voice taking a deeper resonance that rattles the sliding glass door* The alternative waits on a throne of impatience and discards. Dreams swirl into a Play-doh ammonite of death.

Cassanee: *stands beyond the range of the vibrations, holding a plate* There are still hush puppies and potatoes left.

Calvin: The resolution is served with a side of impulse control problems.

*Calvin takes the plate and scarfs down the food. The vibrations begin to slow immediately. The apartment stops creaking and Calvin's eyes become visible again. He collapses in a heap on the floor.*

Calvin: Owwwww. Why does my entire body feel like a Charlie horse?

Pollock: *staring at Cassanee* How did you know that would work?

Cassanee: *deadpan* Carbs can weigh you down.

Calvin: You ain't kiddin'.

*Pollock and Clever Adolescent Panda crash comically to the floor in disbelief. Pollock picks herself up, looking disgusted.*

Pollock: I can't believe I participated in a pratfall. Let's just give thanks, already.

CAP: Me first!

Pollock: What? No!

Rhodez: Oh, let 'em go first.

Calvin: I'm not gonna argue.

Cassanee: *shrugs indifferently*

CAP: I'm thankful for my family and my friends back home, and all of you. Even Pollock! And I'm going to thank our audience, since Calvin won't bring me around for the anniversary anymore.

Calvin: Ha, nice try, but I'm incapable of feeling guilt right now about anything except how much I ate!

CAP: Fooey. I'm also thankful that Lufonz' robot body is holding up, and that he's not being harassed by robots or wizards. And that I got to punch a demon shark in the nose before it ate a bunch of kids on a field trip.

Calvin: *lifts head off the floor* Punching sharks is very 2006 blogosphere.

CAP: And you're always at least 15 years behind on trends.

Calvin: Point taken. *lays head down again*

Rhodez: Still digging my new job, even if it's really expensive where I live. I got some cool coworkers, and the scenery's nice and I feel pretty good about things. And now I have an apartment, so no more shared housing! Whoo, yeah!

Calvin: *pumps fist once in solidarity* Shared housing sucks!

Cassanee: Drought meant it wasn't a good growing season, and not as much river traffic, so fewer tourists. But our town and the raccoons and the bears all helped each other, so there wasn't any fighting. Hosted a big festival at the community center to bring in more people. No one hit an elk this year.

Calvin: Elk are smarter than deer.

CAP: *snorts* Barely. They all have concussion problems, just like goats.

Cassanee: Heard a few rumors of weird things farther northwest, but they might be made up. Not sure. Something to check out next year. *she gestures to Pollock*

Pollock: Another year of uninterrupted success - 

CAP: What about on April Fool's Day?

Pollock: Uninterrupted success for my company. With the turn away from the increasing nightmare of social media towards tactile experiences, Creative Industrial Alternatives is doing better than - 

Calvin: We have a strict, "no self-promotion" rule on this blog!

Pollock: *huffs* Fine. The business is doing well, my employees seem largely satisfied, although I wish more of them would come in to work. It's too quiet at the office. My personal life is a whirlwind of wining and dining the elite!

Cassanee: Sounds exhausting.

Pollock: Very. That's it for me. Who's left?

CAP: *eyes go wide* We left Calvin for last.

Pollock: *terrified* No.

Calvin: Yep.

*There's a group scream and the guests awkwardly attempt to reach the door.* 

"Out of my way!" "Me first!" "Move, accursed furball!"

Calvin: If you leave, you don't get to see our panda pal dressed up as a baby.

*The room goes silent. Cass, Pollock and Rhodez turn slowly*

Cass: *starry-eyed* Really?

Calvin: *holds up camera* Really.

CAP: *pleading* Calvin, don't.

Pollock: My security cameras didn't catch any footage of that. *tries to sit with some dignity after the earlier panic* Very well, let's hear your thanks.

Calvin: Work was - 

Rhodez: Aw man, why do you always start with work?

Calvin: To get it out of the way. Work was about as usual. Nothing tremendously horrible for me, just a lot of extra regular work because we were shorthanded in one way or the other for most of the year. We're about to swap out the work truck I liked to use for something new that will probably have a billion recall notices on all its stupid computerized shit, if the last new truck is any indication.

Pollock: Ask Cassanee to borrow a tractor.

Cassanee: Tractors have computers, too.

Pollock: *aghast* Ye gods, why? They can hardly expect Billy Bob to operate that?

Calvin: I think it's usually GPS, but it's not the operating that's the problem, it's when the computer says there's a problem and there isn't, but it stops working anyway. Whatever. No car issues, no health issues. Survived my visit to America's Crotch to see Rhodez back in summer. The visit was fun. I've never seen so much lightning!

CAP: Is that a good thing?

Calvin: As long as it isn't striking me or anyone or thing I care about, sure. Alex gave me his PS4, so I'm only one generation behind on consoles, which is as close as I expect I'll ever get to being current. Didn't do as much sightseeing as I intended, but I got out and about a little bit. Pulled another successful prank on Pollock.

Pollock: Successful?! Your plant didn't even grow the way you intended!

Calvin: But I have photos of you trapped inside a giant bubble like a goober, and I got away without being covered in pollen, unlike some other people I could name.

Cass: Photos?

Calvin: You know it! Gather round, and have a look.

*Clever Adolescent Panda and Pollock each lunge for the camera* No!