Communicative Malfeasance

{Clever Adolescent Panda and Calvin arrive at Calvin's apartment building.}

CAP: How are you feeling after your trip?

Calvin: Better than Alex's other friend. That guy did a number on himself. It's never a good sign when you're puking in a Casey's parking lot in some desolate north Missouri town before noon.

CAP: You humans and your addictive vices.

Calvin: *flatly* Oatmeal raisin cookies.

CAP: Where?! *looks around frantically, then leaps on Calvin* Do you have some?!

Calvin: *straining to stay upright* No, get off me!

CAP: Phooey. *climbs down reluctantly* The parking lot looks really full.

Calvin: It's the two maintenance vans. One of the neighbors moved out, they're probably tidying up the place.

{The building's interior is quiet. The duo proceed up the stairs.}

CAP: Well, we have to be ready. Pollock's probably going to show up tomorrow.

Calvin: Maybe she'll bring actual Thin Mint cookies this time.

{The interior of Calvin's apartment is as silent as the rest of the building. Against the opposite wall, a clear plastic tube emerges from the floor, then makes a 90-degree turn at eye level.}

Calvin: That's new.

CAP: *steps closer, sniffing the air* What is it?

Calvin: *ducks beneath the end of the pipe and drops his bag at the dinner table* A warp pipe, obviously. I hope it doesn't lead to an underwater level. Hate those.

{The sound of rushing air suddenly emerges from the pipe. Clever Adolescent Panda hurriedly ducks as the cylinder comes flying out of the pipe and hits the opposite wall.}

Calvin: Hey!

CAP: Don't worry, I'm OK.

Calvin: Never a doubt, with your reflexes. *yells into the pipe* You put a dent in my wall, jerkass!

CAP: *picks up the cylinder* It's marked "urgent delivery."

Calvin: *rolls his eyes* I bet it is.

CAP: Pollock?

Calvin: Who else? Is the tube buzzing or ticking?

CAP: Unh-uh. It doesn't smell like anything dangerous, either.

Calvin: *deep sigh* Well, hand it here and then get behind the breakfast bar. That way at least you'll be alive to avenge me.

{Clever Adolescent Panda hands over the cylinder and retreats into the kitchen, peering from around the corner. Calvin sighs again.}

Calvin: I've had a good run. I mean, not really, but it hasn't been terrible. *pops the top off the cylinder, a paper roll slides out*

CAP: *from behind the counter* What is it? A threatening note? A secret code? A treasure map? *sticks head over the counter, ears perked up and eyes shining* A treasure map would be awesome!

Calvin: None of the above. It is - *scans the paper* a letter asking me to take their online survey to share my thoughts on the pneumatic tube system.

CAP: *ears droop, eyes turn dull* Oh, that's, um, that's, 

Calvin: Disappointing. Deflating?

CAP: Yes. OOOH, but now you can give them a really bad review!

Calvin: Except there's no web address, just one of those Rorschach test QR codes, which *holds up his flip phone* I can't do anything with. 

{A mocking cackle echoes up the pneumatic tube.}

Calvin: You got an up-to-date phone with all the bells and whistles, right?

CAP: *offended* Of course! Pandas have excellent phones, with no tracking apps or sharing of data with third-party companies!

Calvin: And 6G internet?

CAP: *annoyingly smug* 9G. The pages load before you even know you want them.

Calvin: Sounds disturbingly like artificial intelligence run amok. *holds out the paper* But whatever, you access the survey. Be as mean as you want. Pretend you're Deadpool, or me after several hours of driving in traffic.

CAP: *trundles into Calvin's study* No way.

{Cackling laughter echoes from the pneumatic tube.}

Calvin: Motherfu - *screams down the tube* Shut the hell up!

{More laughter.}

Calvin: *to Clever Adolescent Panda* Why not?

{Clever Adolescent Panda reenters the living room, holding Calvin's ragged and smelly running shirt. They hold it up, a wicked grin on their face. Calvin offers a thumbs up.}

CAP: *loudly, right next to the tube's opening* It could be a scam to infect my phone with malware!

The Voice at the Other End of the Tube: Now, wait just a min - 

{Clever Adolescent Panda jams the t-shirt in the tube. It's immediately sucked out of sight to the levels below.}

The Voice at the Other End of the Tube: What this? Oh, ye gods, the stench! *retching* It's awful! *more retching and gagging*

Calvin: It's not that bad, you big baby!

CAP: Yeah, it only made my eyes water a little! *whispers to Calvin* When was the last time you washed that shirt?

Calvin: *shrugs* I dunno. Throw it in the washing machine while you're down there!

{Pounding footsteps on the stairs echo through the walls.}

Calvin: You want to get the door or be the greeter?

CAP: *huge grin* Greeter, please.

Calvin: *steps to the door* You got it.

{Calvin wrenches the door open wide. Pollock comes flying through the entrance, breaching kick rendered useless, and tumbles into Clever Adolescent Panda's grip.}

CAP: Happy April Fools' Day! *belly-to-belly suplexes Pollock*

Pollock: *groaning* Was. . .that. . .necessary?

CAP: It was fun!

Calvin: And what could be more necessary than fun in these trying times?

Pollock: *wheezing* Delightful. Panda, will you please get off me?

CAP: No "Accursed Furball"?

Pollock: Not when my ribcage is being rendered concave by your big posterior!

Calvin: Saying they've got a big butt isn't nice just because you phrase it obliquely.

CAP: Yeah! *sits more heavily. Pollock's eyes bulge* I do have a big butt, though. It's part of my genetic makeup.

Calvin: And part of your low center-of-gravity, pinball-esque fighting style. *Clever Adolescent Panda lets Pollock stand* Now, to brass tacks. What is this contraption out of the 1920s doing in my apartment?

Pollock: *dusts herself off* I'm taking advantage of the growing discontent with an online world increasingly under the control of morally questionable oligarchs.

CAP: Aren't you a morally questionable oligarch?

Pollock: *offended* Absolutely not! There's nothing questionable about my morals.

Calvin: Because they don't exist.

CAP: *busts out laughing* He got you there.

Pollock: Swine.

CAP: *glowers* Do I need to sit on you again?

Pollock: *backpedals towards the balcony* Absolutely not. My point is, I'm offering a way for people to keep in touch with fewer complications. There's no way to store a message in a tube on the cloud, or sell it to some advertising bot. It's the next logical step for people who have shifted away from smartphones.

{Pollock scribbles a note, then stuffs it in the cylinder.}

Pollock: You just put whatever you want to say in the message cylinder, throw it in the tube {throws cylinder in the tube} and away you go! With no one other than your intended recipient any the wiser!

Calvin: As long as they have a tube in their home or office. Doesn't that one just go to my building's laundry room?

Pollock: *eyes shift left-to-right* Yes.

CAP: Does anyone other than Calvin even have one?

Pollock: My office building, but the Pony Express started small, too! The telegraph, the telephone, the Internet didn't connect everyone in the world right from the start, you know!

CAP: I guess that's true. It's going to cost a lot to install these across the country.

Pollock: Not to worry. I have lobbyists working feverishly to get me billions of dollars in subsidies to cover that.

Calvin: {over CAP's groan} Aren't these things going to get in everyone's way?

Pollock: We bury them. That's part of what the subsidies will cover. If we also happen to damage fiberoptic lines in the process, hampering wireless communication, that's just a fortunate happenstance.

{It's Calvin's turn to groan.}

CAP: Hey, how do you make sure it goes to the right place? There's no address label on the tube.*excitedly* Is there some gizmo on the opening you twist until the address appears? Rings of letters and numbers?

Calvin: That would really capture the practical, retro touch.

Pollock: There is, but only at the central routing hub.

CAP: Routing hub?

Pollock: Yes, all the cylinders go to a single location, where my employees will open them, read the contents to learn the destination, then adjust the entry tubes.

{Calvin and Clever Adolescent Panda both sigh.}

Calvin: So you get to read everyone's mail and learn all their stuff?

CAP: And take any baked goods they were sending along? {Pollock and Calvin look at the panda.} What? I never got any cookies.

Pollock: Well, yes. Not to the stealing cookies part, but gathering information, certainly. But I won't sell it! Nothing so crass. I'll use it to gain insights on what people are concerned about or feel is lacking in their lives.

Calvin: {rummaging in his fridge} So you can make products people really need, by directing research efforts that direction?

Pollock: Yes. That way, I don't even need to make targeted ads. It will be enough to simply announce the existence of my latest product and wait for them to buy it.

CAP: I guess that's not so bad. Besides the invasion of privacy. What if your employees try to blackmail people?

Pollock: That would violate company policy. No blackmail or extortion that doesn't offer a cut to me.

CAP: I'm gonna suplex you off the balcony.

{With a shriek, Pollock sprints away, vaulting the railing and landing nimbly in the parking lot below. She rushes to one of the white panel vans.}

Pollock: Ha-ha! Too slow, Accursed Furball! And by selecting a workman's van, you never suspected it was mine to tamper with! Ha - splut!

Calvin: *hits Pollock in the face with an egg* We were going to make a cake to hit you with, but you showed up early.

Calvin: *holds out a carton to Clever Adolescent Panda* Join me?

CAP: *picks egg* I'd be delighted.

{Pollock retreats to the van. An egg spatters against her back before she can climb inside. The van's engine rumbles to life.}

Calvin: *singing* Saw a panel van drivin' by, cocked the arm back and let one fly!

Pollock: *rolls down window, shakes fist* Suckers, they come, a dime a doz - *hit in the face with an egg*

CAP: Yes! I mean, um, we all dressed in comfy clothes, we didn't sneak in because we lived in that home. The eggs did crack on Pollock's, um, dome?

Calvin: Aw man, you let the beat drop.

CAP: Sorry.

Calvin: It's fine. I assume the Beastie Boys would want it that way.

{Pollock escapes the parking lot. Clever Adolescent Panda and Calvin watch her go.}

Calvin: What the heck am I going to do with this tube? Probably lose my security deposit.

CAP: I think what Deadpool did to your bathroom two Blogsgivings ago guaranteed that.

Calvin: Probably just having Deadpool in the apartment did that.

CAP: Yeah. *awkward silence* So, are we still going to make a cake?