I've Called This Press Conference...

To tell you I'm leaving town for a week for Spring Break. Gonna go visit some friends and family. Yeah, I'm boring. But before I left, I wanted to leave you with a little something to while away the hours you'll spend missing me, so here's my proposal.

For some reason, the idea of a superteam calling a press conference to tell the media their plans and goals, as depicted in Shadowpact #9, has had quite a hold on me. Maybe it's a common occurrence in the DC Universe, though I can't recall seeing it, and the only time a Marvel team calls a press conference is when the Avengers announce their new lineup (or when Jamie Madrox says X-Factor opposes the Registration Act).

So what I'm asking you to do, is type up a hypothetical press conference for a superteam. The team can be one that currently exists, has existed (ala the original Champions), or is your dream team that has never been. The press conference can be for any purpose - to announce their existence, their goals, to discuss any recent public problems, recruitment drive, whatever. Those of you with blogs might just want to leave a link in the comments, so that you can more properly go nuts with it at your blogs. But if you just want to leave it as a comment, feel free.

Without further ado, here's my own attempt. {Ed.'s note #1: this wouldn't really make any chronological sense, as it involves the original New Warriors, at a post-Civil War time. Just giving you fair warning.}

Firestar: So, who's going to represent us?

Marvel Boy: Well, Night Thrasher is the team leader, so I guess it should be him.

Night Thrasher: Forget it. This whole thing is a waste of time. We should be out there, fighting crime, let that reestablish us.

Speedball: C'mon, Thrash-man! This is the Media Age! You've got to get your face out there, let people know who you are! But hey, I'll be glad to start this thing off. Attention, members of the media, my name is Speedball...

Nova: Somebody stop him.

Namorita: Give him a shot, buckethead.

Speedball: And these are my totally awesome New Warriors! You may remember us from notable instances of saving the day like that time we fought Terrax to a standstill until the Silver Surfer showed up! Or, the time when Night Thrasher's housekeeper tried to use the Well of the Ancients to take over the world! No? Hey, is this thing on?

Namorita: OK, you can get him away from the mike now.

Nova: My pleasure. Time to go toothpick! [Picks up Speedball, tosses him far away] Anyone else want to give it a shot?

Namorita: How about it, Vance? You've hung out with superheroes before, you must know how these things go.

Marvel Boy: Uh, me? Are you sure?
Firestar: I think you'll do fine. Just stay calm, and don't rush.

Marvel Boy: [Takes deep breath] As Speedball said, we are the New Warriors. I know some of you are probably thinking that several of us died in an incident in Stamford, Connecticut. Well, as you may have noticed, Stamford is perfectly fine now. What happened was, our old enemy the Sphinx utilized the Ka Stone to alter reality. This time, instead of using it to create a world where she is Supreme Ruler, she created a world where an error in strategy on our parts lead to a supervillain killing hundreds of people. Fortunately, Nova was offworld at the time, and so he was unaffected, and when he returned, was able to rally Firestar and myself to help him defeat the Sphinx and erase that event, though the aftereffects have remained for some reason. {Ed.'s note #2: I'm not saying the Warriors made a tactical error in Stamford, but Vance takes this stuff pretty seriously, so he probably would.} So we just wanted to set the record straight on that. Any questions?

Media person #6: Why are the events caused by the Stamford Tragedy still here, if the Stamford Tragedy itself is not?

Marvel Boy: With none of us being experts, we consulted with Nova's Worldmind computer, and...

Media Person #6: Worldmind computer?

Nova: I get my powers from a sentient computer, that's also the hub of all Xandarian knowledge and culture. It's called the Worldmind. Mind not interrupting?

Media Person #6: Don't you threaten me!

Nova: If I was threatening you, you'd already be inju - [Namorita forcefully pushes Nova's helmet down on his head, cutting him off]

Namorita: Shut up, and let someone who can use the English language do the talking!

Marvel Boy: Like I was saying, the Worldmind's assessment was that the Sphinx' skill with the Ka Stone was such that she could somehow erase the instigating event from history, but the ripples from it would remain. Reed Richards is supposed to be looking into it, but we haven't heard back from him yet...

Media Person #1: Nova, why were you in space at this time?

Nova: Well, this bad guy named Annihilus - you may have heard of him, rules the Negative Zone - had brought an entire army into our universe, with the intent to kill every last person. But, with the help of a lot of different people, we stopped him dead in his tracks.

Media Person #1: Follow-up my previous question: Is the Earth at any risk?

Nova: Well, the Annihilation Wave is still out there, and it has itself a pretty good empire now, but they'd have to make it through the Kree first, and their new ruler hates the Annihilation Wave something fierce. So I don't think we've got much toooof! [Speedball bounces back onto the scene - and onto Nova's face]

Speedball: Masked Marvel coming through! All Neanderthals need to duck!

Night Thrasher: Oh, this is going well.

Media Person #2: Namorita, with the revelation that you aren't dead, has this affected your cousin Namor's anti-United States stance any?

Namorita: I haven't had much of an opportunity to talk to him yet, but offhand, no. The fact remains, the U.S. government somehow let a dangerous criminal like Norman Osborn loose, and he shot our diplomat. And not only has Osborn not been jailed, he's now head of the State of Colorado's superteam! Namor's taking that as a show of disrespect towards Atlantis.

Media Person #3: So Atlantis is getting ready to declare war?!

Namorita: When did I ever say that? I said he's not pleased with the current relations, and he's waiting for the United States to give some sign that matters to them. That doesn't mean he's planning on attacking the United States.

Media Person #4: Night Thrasher, your alternate universe self had a reality TV show, any thoughts?

Night Thrasher: It was a mistake. This is supposed to be about stopping criminals, not about ratings and money. If you don't have the money to fund your crimefighting, you find a way to make do. Look at Spider-Man; he was a freelance photographer for most of his career; probably lucky not to be horribly in debt, and he did pretty well. If you're worried about your company, hand the day-to-day operations off to someone who can devote more time to it.

Media Person #5: Speaking of criminals masquerading as "heroes" [actually makes quotation signs in the air], several of you haven't registered, what with your having been dead up until recently, and while Firestar was registered, she supposedly retired. So what is the ultimate purpose of this press conference? Are you going to obey the law, or are you planning to defy the United States government?

Firestar: First off, I retired because I was depressed over the loss of my friends and because at the time, my schoolwork didn't leave me enough time to be an on-call agent of SHIELD non-stop. Secondly, I came out of retirement because I saw the opportunity to do some good, and help my friends. As to what we're planning to do now, Nova said he could use some help making outer space safe, and so we've decided to work towards that. I've finished my schoolwork, and this is a chance to do some good on a universal scale. What's more important than that? {Ed.'s note #3: Yes, I'm having them leave the Earth. Yeah, it's possibly a cop-out, but you've got to admit, they're safer from Quesada there than on Earth}

Nova: You tell him Red!

Marvel Boy: Besides all that, people still regard the name "New Warriors" as something bad. When Speedball announced it, I saw several of you wince. Even though the event that made it that way no longer happened, it's still being treated as if it was. That isn't the case offworld, and as Firestar said, it's a chance to do good on a much larger scale.

Night Thrasher: I think that covers everything. Can we go now?

{Ed.'s note #4: Wow, that spun out of control. But if there's one thing you can count on with me, it's that if I incorporate time travel or reality altering into the mix, I'll be curiously selective about what stays and what goes. So I guess I'm like Marvel that way. Or maybe selectivity is more a DC thing? Either way, this is what happens when I don't sit down and try to plan something like this out a little more. But it seemed fitting. The Warriors have fought major threats before (Terrax), gone into space before (#5-6 of their first series for example), and Vance's future self was the leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy (wonder if that's still in continuity?) Plus I thought the team would tear apart arguing over the Registration thing (Vance and Thrasher probably pro, I'm thinking Nita and Speedball, remembering what his pro-reg self wound up like, being anti). And since this was supposed to be about getting the band back together, I neatly sidestepped it, just like I did the whole Penance thing (after all, the media wouldn't know Speedball and Penance were the same person).}

Hopefully, the dialogue gives the characters different voices. I'm glad I gave Firestar that outburst at the end (even though I think I bolloxed her reasons for retiring). Up until then, she hadn't said anything because originally she was frequently quiet, and so I figured she'd stay that way during a big press conference (there were more than 6 media people, just so you know).

Anyway, I'm sure you can do better than that, and I expect to see proof of it when I return, probably next Friday. Or maybe Saturday! See you then.