What's Going On With You, Calvin?

So what’s the deal with that post on Monday? {What do you mean?} You were talking about how great Dr. Doom is. {So, he is pretty smart, and I figured he could find a way to use all those rings.} Are you under mind control? {No.} You’re a robot, aren’t you? {No!} I don’t believe you *leaps off table, bites Calvin’s hand* {*Calvin’s hand begins bleeding* Bloody hell, that hurt!} Oh, sorry. I guess you aren’t a robot. {No, I’m not a robot I told you that already!} Then why all the kind words about Doom? {I was just trying to look at it from Doom's point of view, and Doom feels he can accomplish anything.} But he’s evil! {Where did I say he wasn’t? I said what he believes to be the truth, but that doesn’t mean it is, right?} Right. {So we can move on? We’ve got a lot of books here.}

I’d like to, but I’m confused about which Mayday I’m supposed to hug and which needs to get hit. {I think they’re both victims here, so I’d go with a hug for each.} OK, Hugs for both. Wait, that one May threw Gene Thompson around in front of everybody. {You’re right, better give her some applause too.} OK, Applause for that May. Arana needs a Bonk. {Manipulating someone under the pretext of helping them? Yeah.} Mammoth needs a Hug, because he got hit a lot by the Secret Six, and he was trying to be a good prisoner. {Just be careful he doesn’t crush you by accident.} Eep. Bane gets Applause, because he wants to help Scandal with her problems. {If you say so.}

Deadpool gets Applause for teaching those Skrulls a lesson, and for not letting Nick Fury boss him around. Maybe Fury should get a bonk. {Naw, give Fury a break. He’s in extended nicotine withdrawl.} *ABP looks around* {What’s wrong?} I figured Wade would show up when we started talking about him. {Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll show up at the worst possible moment, or the best, depending on one’s desire for drama and conflict.} Everybody on the Outsiders gets a Hug. They were just starting to get together, and now they broke apart. It’s sad. So a Bonk for the Black Glove. {Works for me.} You’re not going to tell me to be careful? {Nah, Black Glove, whoever it is, is a sod. They’ve got it coming. And you’re black and white, so this whole “black and red” thing won’t bother you. Just stay away from the Joker.}

*door swings open grandly*

Oh, there’s Wade now. Dr. Doom, ruler of Latveria, would have words with the two of you. {Oh goody.} I have monitored your conversation, and I am displeased with your *points at ABP* description of me as evil. Doom is not evil, as I merely do what is in the best interests of the world. Cease your typing. Doom does not approve of the design given to his words. Alter the font to something more befitting my vocalizations. Hey, this is Calvin’s blog, you can’t just - {Easy. Let’s accommodate him. I was considering different fonts as a way to distinguish between our growing cast of recurring characters anyway. Try it now.} This is more appropriate. Little bear, you would do well to recognize Doom’s magnificence. How magnificent can you be? The Fantastic Four kick your butt every time! Even Dazzler beat you! {Oh great. Bring Dazzler up. Now we’re sure to die.} That was not Doom. That was a pretender to the majesty of Doom. Doom would certainly never fight Ms. Blaire, as he has a great respect for musicians. As to the Fantastic Four, Richards and his family have never defeated me. I have merely withdrawn from the field of battle to pursue more advantageous avenues. Sounds like excuses to me. You are quite impertinent. *Doom raises his gauntlet, which begins to glow* {If I may interject, Lord Doom, here, ABP has the right to say what he pleases, same as me, same as you. You are free to rebut, but no violence. ABP is a diplomat, just as you are. If you’d like you two can step over there and hash this out, while I try and finish this up.} You are correct. It would be rash of one of my personage to resort to violence, when this child is still young enough to learn of my plans for this world. Come, you and Doom shall converse.

*Door explodes off hinges, slamming into Doom and driving him into the opposite wall*

[Whassup! Would have been here sooner, but I hadn’t seen my fly ladies in so long, had to give them proper attention, you know what I’m saying? What am I talking about, you’re a baby panda and a comic reader, you’ve got no clue what I’m talking about! Wait, do I know what I’m talking about?] {Thanks a lot Wade! Doom just agreed to talk peaceably, now he’ll destroy us all.} *Door falls to the ground* No, the only one who shall be destroyed is the gibbering buffoon. [Eep.] I shall provide a swifter death than you deserve, speck. {Hold it. All fighting happens outdoors. I am not having a repeat of the destruction of my property that came with the Flying Castle Caper! And given Wade's healing factor, the power you'd have to bring to bear to kill him swiftly would probably destroy all my stuff, and the little panda here. That'd be a diplomatic incident for certain.} Very well. In light of that, Doom will agree to battle outside, where he may unleash a properly devastating attack. Clown, know that upon your death, Doom will use your physiology to develop cures for all the world's physical maladies. *Doom strides by Deadpool. Deadpool begins to draw a gun. Calvin glares at Deadpool, and shakes his head. Deadpool reholsters the gun sadly*

{We’re never gonna finish at this rate, and it’s all your fault. Just had to go and criticize Doom.} I’m sorry! Can I make it up to you? {Bonk Norman Osborn twice. Once for the Spider-Girl stuff, and once for messing with Deadpool.} Deal, Bonks for Norman *explosions outside* What about everybody’s cars? {Eh, mine’s parked somewhere else, everyone else is S.O.L.} Bonk for Starlord. Messing with people’s minds is not cool. I can’t decide whether to bonk Drax or applaud him. {Do both. Or neither, whichever floats your boat. I doubt he cares either way. Applaud Cosmo though. He really was a good dog after all.} Applause for Cosmo, Applause for Drax. I think Gamora needs a Hug, because she still looks all messed up. Frenchie needs a Hug too. {Oh definitely.} Should I bonk Venom? {I don’t think he’s done anything to merit it this month. However, it’s Norman Osborn’s fault Frenchie is sad, so you could hit Norman a third time.} That might give him brain damage! {I’m willing to take that risk. Besides, he’s evil. Remember how you feel about evil?} You’re right, another Bonk for Norman!

*Deadpool leaps back into the room through the doorway, looking not so much the worse for wear*

[Aw yeah, who’s the man? I killed Dr. Doom!] Doombot. {Totally a Doombot.} [What? No! It was the real Doom!] He didn’t smell organic at all. {He couldn’t turn his head, either. Everyone knows Doombots can’t turn their heads.} [Story of my life.] {Hey, don’t be down. Killing a Doombot is still pretty good. How’d you pull that off?} [Grenade boomerang I bought online. It was from the estate sale of some guy they were calling Boomerbutt. I guess that explains why Doom turned his entire body to follow it.] If he followed it, how did it beat him? [While he was tracking that, I hit him with one of the cars out there. Knocked him right into the boomerang’s path.] {Just came up with that on the fly, huh?} [Yeah, it's great when people trust their fellow man enough they leave their keys in their cars. Maroons. Now can I get a little applause?] I already did that, before you or Doom got here. [And I missed it? Aw, can you do it again?] I don’t think so. My arms are pretty tired. {Don’t feel bad, Wade. I’ve got some mini corn dogs if you’d like.} [Mini corn dogs? Woohoo! Pop a funnel in my mouth and pour them in!]

{Editor's note: I started this post in a wordprocessing document and I had different fonts for everybody, including one I think was a bit more regal, yet elegant for Doom, plus one in cursive for Wade, since I figured if everyone else was thinking and speaking in print letters, Wade would be different. Unfortunately, the fonts didn't carry over when I copied it, so you've got the stripped down, crappy, version. I'll try harder next time. Sorry.}