Me Trying To be Funny Never Ends Well

Adorable Baby Panda: QUIT CALLING ME YOU ASSHOLE! I'M KILLING COPS!

Deadpool: Really getting into GTA 4, aren't you?

ABP: *pauses game* I would be, if Niko didn't keep getting phone calls from stupid relatives while I'm busy.

Deadpool: How do you expect to climb to the top of the criminal ladder if you can't handle distractions and interpersonal relationships? Look at me, I'm like a Swiss Army Knife: able to handle any situation, and that's because I practice dealing with distractions. That's what Bob's for: the crying gives me something to try and ignore.

ABP: He's crying because you're always threatening to shoot him, or trade him to HYDRA for Weasel!

Deadpool: I'm not always doing that. OK, I am, but it's good for him, like the Breakfast Club making Anthony Michael Hall admit he's in Saturday detention for having a flare gun in his locker. It's personal growth through extreme embarrassment.

ABP: Like when you tried showing Big Bertha your face, because you thought she understood you, and she threw up violently?

Deadpool: Yes. NO! Who told you about that? Was it Fabian or Dan?! I mean, that would be a good hypothetical example. Besides, I still let Bob run and hide whenever he wants, don't I? It's that delicate touch that makes me a top o' the line mercenary.

ABP: Top of the line? You live in a warehouse, and you don't even have a roof. What happened to your roof?

Deadpool: Remember that gun you gave me a couple weeks ago*?

ABP: *resumes playing GTA 4* Uh-huh.

Deadpool: You see the little red button on the side of the gun?

ABP: The self-destruct button? Yeah. Come on, you pigs, you'll never catch me - oh, spike strips? You jerks!

Deadpool: Yeah, the self-destruct button. Wait, how did you know that's what it was?

ABP: The red button is always the self-destruct. Haven't you ever watched Fifth Element? Hee, hee 'Negative, I am a meat popsicle'.

Deadpool: I've seen it, I just didn't think UnCalvin would have. She doesn't seem like that kind of girl.

ABP: UnCalvin probably hasn't, or he/she wouldn't have made the self-destruct button look like that. And what do you mean girl? She's a shapeshifter, remember? Calvin said last time UnCalvin showed up he looked like Ulysses Grant with less of a belly and muttonchops.

Deadpoool: Muttonchops? I can work with that. It's a nice word, too. Like chimichanga. Chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga.

ABP: *rolls eyes* So you pushed the button and now you have no roof. That's rough. Hah, I've got a rocket launcher, now you will all rue the day you tried to stop my murderous spree!

Deadpool: It doesn't matter what's happened, 'cause like Nic Cage in that one movie, my lotto number came up, and I'm not splittin' it with any waitress.

ABP: *barely paying attention* Huh?

Deadpool: I got a letter from UnCalvin! It says she wants to talk to me desperately. Desperately! I know what that means! It says she's gonna call at 3 o'clock and set up a place we can meet! That's five minutes from now! I better get my cell phone out, make sure it's charged. I can see it now *Wade stops reaching for the cell phone as he drifts into hallucination land. Suddenly, one of his pouches explodes* Huh, ahh, one of my pouches exploded! I only have 37 left now!

ABP: A joke about how many pouches you have?

Deadpool: It's a classic bit! One of my grenades must have gone bad. Aww, this was my last pair of pants, and now there's a hole in them. Maybe UnCalvin will believe it if I say it's a fashion statement? Pants with holes near the rear are still in right? *looks at ABP desperately*

ABP: *shrugs* Uh, sure?

Deadpool: Great! I can still play this off as being part of a plan. Now to resume reaching for my pho - No! NO! That was the pouch my cell phone was in! Now I can't get an answer from Cable to the text message I sent him!

ABP: How were you texting Cable? He's in the future.

Deadpool: Now he is. But he'll come back to the past at some point in the future, which will be our present.

ABP: Wait, so Cable's in the future, but some time farther in the future, he'll travel into his past, which is our future now, but will be our present then, and he'll, ohhhhh *ABP passes out*

Deadpool: Never mind that, I just remembered I can't get that call from UnCalvin! Nooo! I was going to wear my happy boxer shorts! There's nothing left to do but seal myself in a freezer for a thousand years**! *runs to freezer, seals himself inside*

ABP: *wakes up* Huh? Wade? Where did you go?

{Elsewhere, ten minutes earlier}

Atticus: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Calvin: Of course it is. Look, I sent Deadpool a letter claiming to be from UnCalvin, saying UnCalvin was going to call Deadpool at 3. Wade's daffy over UnCalvin, even for Wade. Though I guess she exceeds his standards by having a pulse, and not throwing up when she sees him.

Atticus: Plus UnCalvin's a shapehifter, so she could look like. . .

Calvin: Hey now, you're married, you don't get to fantasize anymore! Or so I am told by television and movies. You were going to say Rei Ayanami, weren't you?

Atticus: Umm. . .

Calvin: So predictable. Look, just use that program you told me about that you came up with. The one that can make cell phones explode***, and make Wade's phone go ka-blooey! He'll freak, it'll be funny. Mwa-ha-ha!

Atticus: Alrighty then. Underpants! *enters complicated program code, Wade's phone explodes moments later* Wait, how will you know if Wade freaks out?

Calvin: *stops cackling* Huh?

Atticus: What's the point of the prank if you don't get to see him react? Are you somewhere nearby?

Calvin: Hell no. I'm not going to 'cause Deadpool to flip out when I'm anywhere in killing range. I see your point, though. Balls. That is a critical flaw in this plan I missed.

Atticus: Yeah, just a little flaw, though.

Calvin: Well, it's all in fun, so I'm sure Deadpool will understand, and the explosion probably couldn't hurt him or anything, so I'm sure there will be no serious repercussions from it. Maybe I better get him a new phone. And a pie. Everybody loves pie!

Atticus: Yes, praise pie, praise pie more. I got a walk the dog. Later!

{Still elsewhere, shortly after Wade locks himself in a freezer}

UnCalvin: How odd. I was planning to call Deadpool and offer him work, but his phone appears to be out of service. I hope he hasn't died, he's amusing, in a buffoonish way. Still, I shall have to find someone else for this important mission that would have certainly paid enough to replace a warehouse roof.

* That'd be the gun Calvin confiscated from UnCalvin on February 21st.

** I'm not wrong about that, am I? That is how Deadpool wound up in the future where Cable is.

*** See March 12th post, opening paragraph.