Someone's Ego May Be Showing

Adorable Baby Panda: . . . so I'll give him a Bonk for feeding kids to that monster.

CalvinPitt: {Sounds good. Can you figure out what the Zapatas are up to?}

ABP: I think they're selling Moon Knight out, so I'll have to give them Bonks too.

Calvin: {I thought they might be, but I thought maybe it was a plan they made with Moonie.}

ABP: A plan to make it harder for Moon Knight to get at the bad guy?

Calvin: {Point.}

*the door swings open, a red carpet unrolls into the room, girls in flowing dresses dance in, tossing flowers with a familiar, hideous face on them, and two men in ludicrous uniforms stride in, flank the door, and start playing trumpets. Deadpool strides in, wearing a cape, and carrying a fancy cane.*

Calvin: Oh dear.

Deadpool: [What's going on peons? Didn't think I'd forget about you just because I was a major movie star now, did you? *Pause* You guys saw my movie, right?]

ABP: You mean X-Men Origins: Wolverine? Yeah, we both saw it.

Deadpool: [It was great wasn't it? I was so awesome! And they picked Ryan Reynolds to play me. Sure he's not quite handsome enough, but he's close!]

Calvin: {Right. Sure. We need to talk about that crossover you had with the Thunderbolts, because I'm feeling a little gypped by it.}

Deadpool: [What, you weren't entertained by the stirring saga of Yelena's love for me?]

ABP: Oh, that reminds me, I should give her a Hug from sewing your head back on!

Deadpool: [Hands off my woman, Teddy Ruxpin! You're not going to swoop in a woo her with your adorable huggable fur!]

Calvin: {You got your butt kicked by Ant-Man! What's the matter, too busy buying foofy capes to remember how to fight?}

Deadpool: [He didn't kick my butt! I shot myself several times! Maybe you need glasses.]

Calvin: {And another thing, what makes you think you can handle two ongoing series?}

ABP: Wade's getting another ongoing?

Deadpool: [What makes you think I can't support two titles? My book's in the Top 50 in sales!]

Calvin: {Sure, because of Dark Reign. Once that ends, the numbers will sink like a stolen ATM card tied to an anvil.}

Deadpool: [How did you know I did that with Norman's ATM card?]

ABP: Guys, we haven't finished with this week's books yet.

*Deadpool and Calvin continue arguing*

ABP: I guess it's up to me then. I know Calvin would want me to give Adam Warlock a Bonk, for being kind of bossy, and being down on the Guardians bar-fighting. Bar fighting isn't a good way to spend time, though.

Calvin: {It's a team-building exercise! And they're trying to charge 4 dollars for this new ongoing!}

Deadpool: [4 dollars? Marvel must really believe in me! Besides, it's probably loaded with bonus materials! Everyone loves bonus material! The DVD version of my movie will have an alternate ending where I kill Wolverine, Sabretooth, and Gambit, making me the most beloved character ever!]

Calvin: {Well, killing Gambit will certainly help with that.}

ABP: I think the Inhumans have to get Bonks, for not being willing to stop fighting. The rookie Novas are going to get Hugs, because they are not ready for all this fighting. Robbie Rider gets a Applause for trying to keep Suki calm, and help her out.

Calvin: {You couldn't even talk in the last half of the movie! What's the point of it being Deadpool if you're not running your mouth? And you had swords coming out of your arms, what kind of falderah is that?}

Deadpool: [But I had optic blasts! That was cool, right? Now the X-Men will finally accept me!]

ABP: Sigh. Iron Fist and the Immortal Weapons all get Applause for being clever. Danny gets an extra round of Applause because he won't leave anyone behind. It's probably a bad idea, but he cares a lot, and that's really nice. Davos and Lei Kung both gets Bonks, 'cause I think they're up to no good.

Calvin: {Wade, you already have a certain level of ill-will with some fans for being a 90s creation, and if you get overexposed, more people are going to turn against you.}

Deadpool: [Pfft. Just nerds on the Internet, and nobody listens to them! My life is as perfect as Sally Field's hair throughout Smokey and the Bandit. My star has never been higher!]

ABP: But Wade, what usually happens when your life is going well?

Deadpool: [Why, I say or do something hurtful and insensitive to someone important to me and proceed into a downward spiral of ill-advised behavior. Dang.]

Calvin: {That about sums it up.}