Take notes, this'll be on the final. The essay final. *Audience groans* Oh? Fine, don't take notes. I mean, I was going to make it an open-note final, but I guess you can just work from memory.
- Never burgle in a community populated dominantly by the elderly. If you're caught, everyone in the courtroom will be old (except your soon to be ex-girlfriend), including the judge, bailiff, stenographer, and the entire jury, and you will be screwed, because there's nothing the elderly like better than sticking it to the youth.
- If you insist on burgling an elderly person's home, and they enter the room while you're in the process of blasting open their wall safe, and the explosion induces a heart attack, leave immediately. Do not attempt to resuscitate the person you were robbing. For one, you're wasting valuable escape time. Secondly, your efforts to revive them will only lead to you being charged with molestation, in addition to robbery. Like I said, the elderly are vindictive.
- If you are a burglar by trade, don't tell your girlfriend you work for UNICEF. Especially don't tell her mother you work for UNICEF. Pick a less noble profession, like mime, or reality show contestant, so you being charged as a elderly molesting burglar won't be such a huge shock/disappointment.
- If you wind up with a biosynthetic gland in your head, which enables you to excrete a light-bending substance, essentially rendering you invisible, keep in mind there will be a catch. Most likely, the gland will produce a chemical which will drive you mad without a counteragent, leaving you working for the agency that commissioned the creation of the gland just to stay sane.
- Also, the removal of the gland is likely impossible, if you want to survive the operation. Get used to seeing potential solutions snatched away by cruel fate at the last moment.
- If you end up working for the aforementioned agency, don't be surprised to learn that you aren't their first such experiment, that the early ones may be crazy, and you will be expected to fight them.
- If you run that agency, and your new invisible agent is periodically insubordinate, and distrusts you, your best bet is to publicly ignore the insults, and treat his suspicions as a joke, making him feel stupid. Make comments about how you wish he could convince your superiors you were that smart.
- If your child only has imaginary friends, arrange for them to witness an assassination. Other parents in the neighborhood will feel bad for your child, and convince their kids to spend time with yours. The new friends will be like a form of therapy for your child, so the problem takes care of itself!
- If you claim to be psychic, and tell someone they need to kill themselves immediately, because they're about kill their partner, and they do neither, simply remind them they haven't killed their partner yet, so that, you know, in 50 years, when they buy their partner a hot dog and he chokes to death on it, you can still claim you were right. Note, they will think you are a complete asshole for that, though.
- Former marines that are infected with a disease that aged them from 30 to 70 in less than an hour will bite when cornered. Always wear protection.
- If you commissioned the creation of a biosynthetic, invisibility causing gland, and the first person you installed it in went crazy and had to be put down, make certain to check for and eliminate any memory RNA from that person in the gland before installing it in the next test subject.
- If the Chinese government kidnaps you, cuts open the back of your head, and drains a considerable quantity of the invisibility-causing chemical out of you, do not expect them to offer you a cookie or even any juice afterward. Because they're jerks.
- Anytime a person gains a sudden spike in intelligence, they will become distant and rude towards their friends and coworkers. They will also watch five TVs at once.
- People who want to steal your invisibility gland will use labyrinthine plans to do so, possibly involving gas grenades designed to make you really sick so you get checked into a special hospital, where they are impersonating an important surgeon, so they can kidnap you and then get what they want. They will never simply drive up, conk you on the noggin, throw you in the van, and immediately perform surgery. So you have that going for you.
- More people have thermal goggles than you might expect, so be aware of what others are wearing, even while invisible. This will lower the chances they can surprise you and throw a net over you.
- If you run an underfunded government secret agency, it's OK to travel to a known arms dealer's casino, and use your invisible agent to rig the games so you win 1.5 million dollars.
- It's not OK for said invisible agent to steal $5 million for himself, and if he does, you should withhold the counteragent which keeps him from going murderously insane until he hands that cash over to you, so you can spend it on your budget, naturally.
- If he goes murderously insane, rather than admit your mistake, and send his partner to bring him in alive, bring in outside agents, and tell them it's OK to kill the now insane invisible man. Remember: Being the boss means never admitting you mishandled a situation.
- Oddly, people really enjoy mimes, but not when the mime's act includes being ruthlessly beaten by invisible fists. I know that seems counter-intuitive, but it's true.
- If an attractive person from a shadowy organization that previously tried to kill you, suddenly wants to sleep with you, they are actually trying to use that as an opportunity to infect you with nanobugs that will give away your location at all times. Always use protection. I know I told you that earlier, I just want to impress it's importance upon you.
- The reason people can't find Bigfoot is because it has a natural invisibility-causing gland as well.
- If you are a person dedicated to studying Bigfoot, a large half-man, half-ape creature no one has apparently ever captured, and you propose the invisibility gland as the reason none have been captured, all the other people who devote their lives to studying the never captured, half-man, half-ape will laugh at you. Because everyone needs to feel superior to someone.
OK, you don't have to remember the last two, since they were from a Season 2 episode that was included as a bonus. As for the rest, memorize it, and be prepared for that essay. You'll find out what the prompt is when you show up for the final.
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2 comments:
Maybe I'm just being foolish, but if I give someone an experimental invisibility gland and they go murdereously insane. Maybe I do some more research until I can actually fix the problem rather than, you know, keep installing it in people (with or without the murderous memory RNA).
Then again I don't run a shadowy secret organization. Maybe if I did I'd have a better understanding of the budgetary issues involved.
seangreyson: Well, the first recipient actually went nuts because they hadn't ironed all the kinks out, and he could turn visible again. By the time they put it in the next recipient, Mr. Darien Fawkes, they'd fixed that, but then they learn the gland itself can secrete a substance that makes you go nuts.
So I'm sure if Fawkes had been killed they would have gotten that problem fixed before the 3rd attempt. It's the scientific process in action!
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