This One Kind Of Got Away From Me

*Adorable Baby Panda enters the room and is scooped up by Calvin, who begins tossing ABP into the air*

Calvin: {Isn't it great? Lanning and Abnett are keeping Namorita around! I'm so happy!}

ABP: It's great, now stop tossing me in the air, I don't like it!

Calvin: {But I'm so happy! Tossy, tossy, toss in the air!}

ABP: Enough! Judo flip! *Calvin is sent head over heel, as ABP lands smoothly on the floor*

Calvin: {Ouch. That killed the mood.}

ABP: I told you to stop.

Calvin: {Wait, the mood's been resuscitated!} *turns towards ABP*

ABP: Don't. Even. Think. About. It.

Calvin: {Fine.} *pouts*

Let's just get to work. {Oooh, ooh, don't forget-} I know! Applause for Abnett and Lanning, because you're so happy they kept Namorita alive past the end of that story. Got it. Everyone got it. Let's take a look at the other books. Red Robin's being kind of a jerk to Batgirl, maybe I better give him a thwack. {Wait, read Red Robin #10 first.} Oh, he apologized. Well, that's nice. I guess I could Applaud them both for setting aside their problems. {Yes, they can be friends again! It'll be wonderful!} Are you on something? {I ate some of this brownie. It's really good, you want some?} Uh, later. {OK, I'll save this part for you.} Thanks, I think.

Deadpool doesn't get what being a good guy is about, so that's a Bonk. {But he tried to make nice with the monkey, that should count for something.} He can have a Hug, because it bit him in the face. Sad Tony Stark from Avengers vs. Atlas needs a Hug, and maybe for someone to tell him they know he's smart. {Yeah, he looked so depressed, I felt bad for him.} Ah-ha! What did you do with Calvin, UnCalvin?

UnCalvin: *shifting to look like an older woman, throws on customary cape* Oh drat, I've been found out.

Calvin: *poking his head through the window* {You dope. How could you miss an easy layup like that? I'd never say I felt bad for Tony Stark! At least not in the last four years!}

ABP: Calvin! You're not hurt!

UnCalvin: You said I should be unusually cheerful, because it would throw the little one off!

Calvin: {Not to the point it sends up a massive red flag! We needed to string ABP along until the pie gag!}

ABP: This was a trick? Wait, pie gag? What pie gag?

UnCalvin: The Master Planner here was going to culminate this foolishness with a whipped cream pie to your face, resulting in laughter for all. Personally, I think my idea to trick you into destroying Calvin's blog was better.

Calvin: {You agreed to be a team player for once!}

ABP: You were going to hit me with a pie?!

UnCalvin: It is disturbingly lowbrow.

Calvin: {If it's good enough for the Three Stooges, it's good enough for us!}

ABP: How are you two even working together?

Calvin: {The spirit of cooperativeness that exists within all humans!}

UnCalvin: Plot contrivance.

Calvin: {Stifle yourself! This is April Fools Day, the day when the bonds linking dual entities such as ourselves are their strongest. All things are possible.}

UnCalvin: *turning to ABP* As I said, plot contrivance.

ABP: Can I finish with the comics now?

*Sometime after the Ultra-Humanite receives a Bonk, Ragdoll earns tentative Applause, and Venus enthusiastic Applause, our characters sit around a table, staring at the unused pie.*

ABP: I don't see how having UnCalvin pretend to be you, so you could show up and hit me with a pie is an April Fools joke.

Calvin: {Well, you were going to think I was UnCalvin, here to sabotage things again. You'd do something noble, leaving yourself wide open to the pie in the face. Then the reveal of the switched identities.}

UnCalvin: Of course, I was going to use the confusion to trash the blog, then escape on my velocipede.

Calvin: {Betrayer! Wait, are you that strapped for cash you're reduced to escaping on bike?}

ABP: Yeah, didn't you have a car receiving scheduled maintenance two years ago?

UnCalvin: I. . . couldn't keep up the payments. Times have been tough, with the castle gone, my arch-nemesis tricking me into blowing up my undersea base before I'd even used it, that disaster where I formed my own group of allies.

Calvin: {Wow, that's a real downer.}

ABP: I know what can cheer you up! *Hits Calvin in the face with the pie. Calvin falls backwards out of his chair, and whacks his head on the ground.*

Calvin: {Ouch.}

UnCalvin: *laughs merrily* Oh, that did help my mood considerably. Thank you. *UnCalvin rises* And now I'll thank you to help my mood a little more. *draws pistol from folds of the cape* Take all the money out of Calvin's wallet, if you please. I must set about rebuilding my enterprises.

ABP: Darn you!

UnCalvin: This has been most enjoyable. You simply must hit Calvin in the face with baked goods so I can rob him again sometime soon. Good day. *Hops out window, takes off into the afternoon sun. Calvin sits up, wipes whipped cream off his face.*

Calvin: {Thanks a lot, ABP.}

ABP: I'm sorry.

Calvin: {Well, I guess I learned a lesson about not trying to trick people.}

ABP: Yeah, that's right! So really, everything worked out OK!

Calvin: {No, it really didn't.}

ABP: Can we pretend it did?

Calvin: {No.}

ABP: Can I still have that chunk of brownie?

Calvin: {. . . Sure.}