Now's When The Punching Starts

[Yesterday, Clever Adolescent Panda found UnCalvin's hideout, a company known as Smile Time Alternative Solutions. After some difficulty with a doorman, CAP made it inside just after a tour group of potential dupes, er, investors. Too bad UnCalvin's been expecting our panda friend for some time. . .]

CAP: Where are you? Ugh, everything in here smells like plastic and disinfectant.

{At that moment, the panda hears the sounds of heavy treads rushing in its direction.}

CAP: I wondered when I'd meet a security patrol. No problem, I'll just in hide in the shadows above the pipes running along. . . the . . . ceiling.

{The ceilings, though painted a pleasant sky blue, are solid, and present no pipes or shadows to in. The security force rounds the corner, the lead man shouting as he spots his quarry. In the Operations Room, two figures observe the proceedings.}

UnCalvin: It certainly was a good idea to keep all the pipes inside the walls and ceilings, though I miss the rugged industrial atmosphere they provided.

Androzier: At least Ms. Granglin let you repaint the ceilings.

UnCalvin: Yes, our harridan of a landlord. So little respect for her tenants needs. Can't she understand this place must appear professional, with a hint of mad science?

Androzier: I suppose not.

{Back in the hallway, the security teams have blocked off both ends of the hall, but make no attempt to move closer.}

CAP: Well if you aren't gonna move, I will.

{Clever Adolescent Panda charges ahead, following its original course. As it grows closer, the guards close ranks, leaving no spaces between themselves and the walls, or each other. Which is of no matter when their opponent leaps onto the wall on its left, then springs off the wall into the face of one of the guards. As the first punch lands, the guards react as one.}

Guards: Containment broken! Retreat!

CAP: What?

{In the Operations Room}

UnCalvin: What?

Androzier: Uh, it appears the men took my orders to contain but not engage too literally.

UnCalvin: I miss Sargent Johansson.

Androzier: I know sir, but she was very happy running that okra farm.

UnCalvin: Yes, well, I daresay I don't understand thinking of okra as a calling, but her passion for it was undeniable. Which does not solve our current problem. Is this anywhere near the tour?

Androzier: No, sir. Dr. Lakshmi is currently in the Cosmic Wave Beam Manipulation Lab on the 53rd floor.

UnCalvin: Good, good. And our research staff?

Androzier: We've told them to stay in their labs, but otherwise to continue as normal. Commandant, I'll handle this.

UnCalvin: No, Androzier. I do want you to head down there, but simply get your forces organized. Tell them to reestablish containment on the 49th floor, near the Bio-Psycho Ward. Tell them they should not instigate a fight, but if the panda strikes them first, to feel free to hold their ground and fight back!

Androzier: Yes, Commandant!

{Androzier departs, quickly, but without appearing rushed. UnCalvin briefly observes his departure, then picks up a phone while observing the quarry one the monitors.}

UnCalvin: Dr. Pennington? Is that new weapon you've been working on for ready? Very good. We have an intruder we're guiding your way, I'd like you to use it for a test run. Oh, you'll know it when you see it. Hard to miss a panda. Yes, a panda. I know it's hardly an ideal test subject, but as my entire security force is inadequate to stop it, I'm forced to more drastic measures. *pause* No, I'm not joking, Dr. Pennington. Now prepare to unleash. . . THE PREDATOR DRONE! You have roughly 5 minutes, 10 at the most.

{With that, UnCalvin hangs up and turns full attention to the panda on the screens. CAP has continued to barrel through the halls. The guards have still not fought back, but they are herding it, walling off sections with shock nets and file cabinets. CAP knows it's being herded, and it knows this is meant to force it into a trap. It remembers the pirate penguins well, but doesn't sense any similar presence. Most of the labs have been locked, but none of them carry any recent scent traces of UnCalvin, though the 49th floor has some curious animal odors CAP can't place. One of them in particular is very strong. It's a sweaty, musty smell, of something practically radiating heat. CAP swivels to and fro as the scent goes stronger, but sees nothing. Then the panda catches some flicker in the corner of its eye, and in the next moment has hurled itself into the air, unleashing a powerful spinning kick. It was meant for the head, but the target is taller than expected, so there's a rush of air as the foot connects with its gut. The target stumbles back, but doesn't fall. CAP moves into a defensive stance, front paws up.}

CAP: Using a cloaking device to sneak up on your targets is pretty cheap.

{The figure shimmers for a moment, then becomes fully visible as the cloak drops. It's a Predator, sort of. Over 7 feet tall, broad head, odd, crisscrossed diagonal teeth at the front of its mouth. But it carries no obvious weapons, and it wears a pair of freshly pressed slacks and a sweater vest.}

Predator Drone: *in a cordial, but strangely dull, tone of voice* So, funny story about the cloaking device. I came up with it back in high school, right? Now I know what you're thinking. I used it so I could spy on the girls in the locker room. Not at all. I used it to change in private in the boys locker room! All the other guys are walking around  in their loincloths, their mesh t-shirts, necklaces of skulls, and here I was in a bow tie! Well, I felt so self-conscious I just wanted to disappear. And then I thought to myself, "Why not?" A little time in Shop Class, and voila! Cloaking Device!

CAP: What?

UnCalvin: *watching on monitors* What?

Predator Drone: So yeah, funny story. I'm in shop class, trying to weld some components together for the cloaking device, when my friend K'rraka comes over and asks me for some help. He was trying to build an auto-targeting swivel into his shoulder cannon, but it just kept following the direction his head turned. Guess what the problem was?

CAP: *confused, slightly disoriented* Uh, I don't know?

Predator Drone: He was using a 3.7x polybdenum chip wargle, when he needed a 3.9y polybdenum circuit? *chuckles* Oh, can you imagine that?

CAP: * developing a severe headache* Not really. Listen can you start fighting now?

Predator Drone: *oblivious* Funny story, I'm on my first hunting trip with my parents. My dad's says the same thing while he's being mauled by a Xenothian tuskslug because I was trying to pick just the right weapon. He wound getting his right arm dissolved.

CAP: *on all fours holding ears* Just shut up!

{UnCalvin has picked up the phone again and dialed Dr. Pennington.}

UnCalvin : What in the hell is this? It's standing there jabbering!

Dr. Pennington: *bright, cheerful, very excited* Exactly, sir! The Predator Drone is designed to incapacitate its opponent with a hidden sub-harmonic in its voice. It's designed to be naturally talkative at the drop of a hat - it has over 500 hundred stories about dropped hats - and its nonthreatening conversation keep the target from fleeing until they're too disoriented to even try.

UnCalvin: Oh. Wow, that's actually quite scary. Good work, Pennington. Is it lethal?

Dr. Pennington: Well, we are pretty  high up. I suppose the panda could drag itself to a window and try hurling itself out to get away.

UnCalvin: Well, no need to trouble it so. Why don't you go ahead and open a window nearby? Make things easier.

{UnCalvin hangs up again. His eyes return to the monitors, but are focused on the reflection he sees in them behind him. A small young woman, pale, fairly thin, with a look of quiet determination on her face. What of it is visible beneath the orange cloak and hood she wears.}

UnCalvin: *calmly* And just how did you get in here?

{Cassanee says nothing. In flashback, we see her standing on a nearby rooftop overlooking the building they stand in. She's listening to CAP assure he it will get inside. She sighs, part exasperation, part amusement. Then she rises, steps away from the ledge of the building, and starts her deceptively slow run towards it. She reaches the edge and leaps, arcing through the air, her arms holding the cloak tightly against her until the moment gravity starts her descent. Then she spreads it wide, using the wind resistance to glide still further until she lands impossibly lightly in the narrow rooftop. She leans over glancing down through the slanted windows, watching silently. All seems normal at first, people in long white coats, sometimes with goggles or glasses moving to and fro through the halls. Then a flurry of activity. People in different uniforms, security garb scrambling down the stairs. Recognizing this as a reaction to her partner, she slips in through the roof access and makes her through the now silent halls. Three floors down, she finds UnCalvin's office, and from there access to the Operations Room next door. Then a matter of patience until UnCalvin's angry shouting indicated he was preoccupied. UnCalvin knows none of this, though, because Cassanee utters only one sentence.}

Cassanee: Call it off.

UnCalvin: *turns nonchalantly, ambles closer, swinging his legs in a wide arc on each step* No, I won't be doing that. This is going to be my crowning victory over that panda. When all the time and resources finally pay off. But for you, a more personal touch!

{UnCalvin has moved within range and unleashes a sharp jab. Cassanee calmly lets her head drift slightly to the right while her hands seize UnCalvin's wrist. One quick spin later and UnCalvin is flying headfirst through the wooden door to land on his desk, skidding across it. UnCalvin manages to turn his momentum into a roll and lands on his feet as he reaches the end of the desk. Cassanee moves through the doorway, that eerily smooth and weightless stride making determining her speed difficult. UnCalvin reaches over and pulls a sword from its mount on the wall, and shifts appearance. Where once stood a man of slightly above average height with greying hair slicked back, now stands a red-headed woman of slightly smaller stature but a lean muscular form.}

UnCalvin: Impressive moves.

{UnCalvin slashes out with the sword, and each time Cassanee drifts out of the way. But each time as she shifts from defense to offense, she finds her opponent likewise sliding past her attacks or gently deflecting them. The two move in an almost dance around each other.}

UnCalvin: But I know a bit of that "flow like water" stuff myself.

{Cassanee makes no verbal response, attacking less, seeking the less obvious openings, but UnCalvin's current form was chosen for quickness and agility, and still neither's strikes get through. Then UnCalvin chooses to turn her back and leap for her desk. Cassanee rushes forward, trying to take advantage, only to see UnCalvin land with one foot pressed against what appears to be a stress ball. When squeezed, it makes a silly "poot" noise, and the desk shoots across the floor, UnCalvin riding atop it. It's a very large, very wide desk with a solid front. Cassanee can't sidestep it, and trying to jump over it would place her helpless before the sword. So she's slammed against the far wall and pinned by the desk. UnCalvin grins smugly, and spins her sword lightly in her hand.}

UnCalvin: The panda would have just smashed through it. Something to consider in your next life.

{As UnCalvin begins the downswing, Cassanee shoves with all her strength, which is more than UnCalvin counted on. With her legs tucked back against the wall, she can use them to push off with considerable force. The desk slides back a few feet, UnCalvin pitches forward, falling behind Cass as the force of her shove drives her forward in the opposite direction. Both combatants turn their ungainly stumbles into tuck and rolls, but as Cassanee turns to attack, UnCalvin bolts from the office. The Lady in Orange pursues as UnCalvin dashes into the stairwell at the end of the hall and leaps down entire flights of stairs in one bound. Cass opts to slide the railings, twisting so that she follows its curve around the turns, down to the 54th floor, where UnCalvin darts into the Web Lab.}

UnCalvin: Hello Chad, Maria. Is the wide dispersed polymer ready?

Chad: The impact webbing? Yes sir!

Maria: Don't call it that! You know the boss doesn't like those silly names! It's right over here sir. We haven't devised a launcher that won't trigger it on firing, so it'll have to be hand deployed.

Chad: But if you use this casing, then pressing this button will make it work on a proximity circuit after you throw it.

UnCalvin: *hurriedly* Excellent, that'll work fine. And Chad, I don't mind those sorts of code names in the lab, or even to investors who are easily impressed, but don't use it out in the world.

Chad: Yes sir.

{Cassanee enters and eyes the two scientists for a moment before dismissing them. Maria and Chad both dive behind a work station as UnCalvin presses the rubber button on the packaging and hurls it towards Cassanee. She twists to dodge, but the package bursts open and she's quickly wrapped up in a bright pink plastic clay. It quickly hardens, binding her arms and legs to her body. UnCalvin glances at his tow employees.}

UnCalvin: Pink?

Chad: We thought bright colors would sell better?

UnCalvin: Hmm, not a bad point. As long as it can be in more than one color. Except a larger than usual Christmas bonus, you two!

Chad and Maria: All right! *high five*

UnCalvin: And now for you.

{Cassanee's legs might be bound together, but they still had a little mobility, and she managed to roll to her stomach, flex her way onto her knees, then hop to her feet. At which point she flipped towards to window and kicked her way through. Fortunately, the window was on the slanted side, so she didn't plummet to her death. She did begin to roll down the side of the building, though, so she'd plummet to her death in another six floors or so. However, she saw an open window below, and angled her roll towards it, taking advantage of the fact that her upper body was wider than her lower, was thus rolling slower, and angling her descent. As she rolled, she went right past Dr. Lakshmi, now on the 51st floor.}

Dr. Lakshmi: *a few minutes before* Here we're working on using musical cues to trigger specific events in plants, such as flowering or reproduction. It's required some genetic modification of the plants, which has resulted in larger, stronger strains. Careful, that Venus fly trap could remove your fingers if the random play of "Break Stuff" kicks in. We're thinking it might work as a cheaper guard dog. Mostly, we've found it possible to make flowers emerge in perfect full bloom on cue, for maximum romantic effect. We hope to use it to make crops that will grow just when we need them, so that planting can be handled strictly as nece-

{Cassanee rolls past, everyone gawks, then turns to Dr. Lakshmi}

Dr. Lakshmi: *speaking quickly* It's a sleeping bag that unfurls into glider wings. For the extreme outdoorsperson.

{The tour group murmurs appreciatively, then sees UnCalvin sliding down the window in pursuit, one hand steadied against the glass, the other holding the sword aloft. They turn to her again. She's sweating and looking a bit flustered.}

Dr. Lakshmi: Ah, uh, oh yes, it's a new extremely thin filament climbing wire. Lightweight, almost invisible, strong, yet designed not to chafe or cut your hands. Moving on. . .

{Back on the 49th floor, Clever Adolescent Panda has no thrown itself out the opened window. Given the wind coming in, even if it tried, it might be hurled back in. Instead, the panda has been crawling slowly towards the Predator Drone, all the while debating gouging its eardrums out. The Predator Drone chatters on. It wouldn't be hard to subdue the panda, if anyone could get close enough. But while Dr. Pennington was smart enough to tell Androzier to keep his security forces well back, he neglected to hand out any sets of hearing protection that would block out the maddening sub-harmonics. Pennington is the only one with any - the Predator Drone is immune to the effects, something about how it reverberates inside its own skull - and he's a doctor, not an exterminator, UnCalvin.}

Predator Drone: So he said, I bet I can do that thing Bruce WIllis does with his hat in Hudson Hawk, only with a sombrero! And guess what happened? he didn't adjust for the brim width, it smacked him in the forehead, and he dropped his hat. Can you beat that?

CAP: I'm. . . gonna. . . beat. . .something. . . here in a minute.

{CAP reaches the Predator Drone, and grabs its ankle, but can't muster the strength or concentration to topple it. About then Cassanee tumbles past, narrowly hooking her legs on the open window sill. She folds herself up and in just before UnCalvin can slide by and decapitate her. UnCalvin's trailing hand catches hold of the sill, and after a moment to groan with the force of the abrupt stop, hauls herself in as well.}

Predator Drone: So funny story. I was waiting at the train station for a friend to arrive. I'm waiting there for hours and this horrible storm comes through. Ruins my umbrella, because it was a storm of highly ionized particles. My friend never showed up. Turns out I had the wrong day.

UnCalvin: *Glances at the scene, winces* Pennington? Why isn't that panda hurled to its death yet?

Pennington: Uh well, uh, sir, ma'am, the panda's showing more resistance than I expected.

UnCalvin: Then why haven't you done it?

Pennington: I thought this was a test. If I throw the test subject out, we can't determine if it can be driven to kill itself.

UnCalvin: Blithering idiot! I told you I was doing this because my entire security force couldn't stop the panda! How does that sound like an experiment, rather than a severe risk to the entire company?!

Predator Drone: So funny story. In college, we tried dropping a watermelon off the highest building on campus. But a tornado hit right then and the watermelon got whisked off somewhere. My friend Carl's hat nearly did, but he caught it at the last second. Then when the storm was over, he tried to toss it up on his head, but put too much force on it and it fell over the edge. We never saw it again, either. True story.

UnCalvin: Pennington, enough, shut it down!

{UnCalvin staggers and slumps to one knee. Cassanee is rolling on the ground, making a distressed, keening sound. Pennington does nothing.}

Pennington: I don't know. Maybe a 50% increase in my budget and an executive parking space would get me to work on that faster.

Predator Drone: Funny story. Once, after I parallel parked my car and went to run errands, two other cars parked so closely on either end of me I couldn't get out. And both of them belonged to guys who went to a nearby sports bar and stayed until closing time. I used up so much loose change.

UnCalvin: *eyes narrowed* You insolent worm.

{UnCalvin's ears vanish, she rises unsteadily, balance not quite there since she removed the inner ear just to be safe.}

UnCalvin: I was making a polite offer as your employer. Now I'll dispose of it myself!

{UnCalvin swings, not the smoothest of strokes, but normally sufficient. But the Predator Drone, in the midst of story, swings his arm in a gross over-exaggeration  of some minor detail and inadvertently deflects it with the cloaking device on his wrist. UnCalvin reels back from the surprising force of the deflection, and her impaired balance. Pennington looks deeply satisfied. Until CAP bites into the Predator Drone's ankle and manages to roll away, dragging it off its feet. As the drone lands on his back, Cass draws herself together sufficiently to roll over the arm with the cloak. UnCalvin raises the sword again.}

Predator Drone: So, funny story. I wrestled with my cousin like this once. Turns out he had lice. So I had to use this - *sching*

{Silence returns, finally. UnCalvin's ears reappear, and she glares at Pennington as she advances on him. Cassanee's eyes clear, and CAP stops biting that ankle.}

UnCalvin: Dr. Pennington, there are many things I will tolerate, but attempts to extort or kill me are not among them. Your contract is terminated for a breach - if you'll check it expressly forbids extorting me - and you will leave now, with none of your research. Whether you do so willingly, on foot, out the front door, or unwillingly, out the window, at Androzier's hands, is up to you.

Dr. Pennington: I'll go willingly.

UnCalvin: Excellent choice. Do not expect a recommendation. Androzier, you and your men escort him off the premises.

{They depart, Pennington's shoulders slumped, Androzier looking back towards his Commandant worriedly. UnCalvin turns to her two foes, CAP in the midst of trying to extract Cass from the impact web- er, polymer.}

UnCalvin: And now for you two. . .