Saturday, March 28, 2015

I've Heard Location Is Important For The Just Starting Out Entrepreneur

Let's say you were going to be a bad guy, or just a crook in the DC Universe, and you're trying to pick one of the cities to set up shop in, after you've decided what kind of bad guy to be (I'm going for cat burglar/master thief, naturally). Which one do you pick? 

Gotham's out. I'm not getting my kneecaps busted by Batman, nor am I going to run the risk of dealing with his whackjob enemies because I made the mistake of trying to swipe that statue that was partially disfigured in a fire on the 2nd day of the month, same as Two-Face. And even beyond that, there's Gotham's notoriously crooked cops to worry about. They'll shoot me, hide my loot somewhere, tell their bosses they never found it, then sell it themselves later. No thanks.

Metropolis is a nice, shiny city full of nice, shiny things, but 1) Superman's maybe a little too much of a challenge, 2) every nice thing in town probably belongs to Luthor, and I'm not that crazy, and 3) too high a probability of being squished by a random giant robot attack.

I have a feeling the Rogues guard their turf against interlopers pretty fiercely, so Central City's out. Again, I'm looking to avoid death, so Hawkman's home turf (whatever that is this week) is a no-go. Death from above with extremely pointy medieval weaponry is not high on my list of career goals.

I figure there's three pretty good options. One, Coast City, because Hal is hardly ever there any more, and even if he is, I'm pretty sure I can outsmart Hal Jordan. Just distract him with a skin mag and drop a convenient light fixture on his head.

Two, Star City. Admittedly, Green Arrow's presence would seem to trigger the "fear of death by pointy medieval weapons" clause, but I'm going to be stealing from wealthy people, so I'll promise to donate over 50% of my proceeds to soup kitchens, or children's literacy funds, or something. More money for no-kill shelters, whatever. That should work.

Third, Opal City. I'll get around to reading Starman one of these days, but Opal City generally sounds pretty cool. The heroes that live there aren't too crazy or violent, though having the Dibnys in town to investigate my crimes might be a problem. Ralph would sniff me out before too long I imagine, unless I'm Black Cat-good at stealing. Which sure, why not?

I know the simplest answer would be to avoid cities with superheroes entirely, but come on, the cities with superheroes have all the best stuff to take.

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