Like Top Gun, Only With Animals. And Not Lame

For this week's gaming selection, we turn to Starfox 64. I recall playing the original Starfox on a SNES in a department store, either Sears or Dillard's. The main things I remember from that are a) that I wasn't very good, b) the nonsense the co-pilots spoke annoyed me (there was text to read, but their voices were just inarticulate squawks and whistles), and c) the graphics were really weird looking, like no game I'd seen before.

I don't recall Starfox making much of a positive impression on me, but it must have, given how eager I was to get its sequel when it was released on the Nintendo 64. As you might expect, the graphics were quite improved, and didn't seem quite so weird any more, and they had actual voice actors for this game (though those carried their own annoyance factor).

It was not a particularly complicated game. You enter a level, and fly through it shooting enemies, grabbing rings to increase your life bar or gain extra lives, and picking up missiles and laser upgrades. There were frequently two paths in each level, and which one you chose (or how successful you were in you mission) would determine which level you went to next. For example, in the Sector Z level, if you failed to keep your mother ship from getting hit by long-range space missiles, then your crew concludes they lack the firepower to go to Area 6, and you have to go to a different, easier, level. Of course, if you succeeded (and were given access to the harder level), you could still choose to take the easier level, which I would do some occasions, preferring to fight in a Independence Day style battle on Katina, rather than a more difficult submarine level on Aquas. What can I say, except that I was playing to fly space fighters, not subs?

The game had some neat twists to it, with the possibility that friends from one level could show up to aid you in another, the weird bosses (including a giant crustacean-like thing living on the surface of the star), the psychedelic worlds you passed through if you activated a warp gate, how easy they made aerial acrobatics, and the odd situation with Andross, the final boss. See, there's two paths on Andross' world, each completely separate from the other. One leads to a battle with a giant head and a pair of hands that turns out to be a robot, the other leads to something even freakier. I won't say what, in case you ever play it and don't want it spoiled. I will tell you you've got to go through Area 6 if you want to be able to see the really freaky thing.

Like a lot of my N64 games, Starfox 64 had a multiplayer mode, though I didn't find it as enjoyable as Goldeneye or Mario Kart's. Still it was nice to zip around dogfighting with someone a little more clever than the usual computerized opponent, though Alex wasn't always that much of an upgrade (he had a bad knack for running into stuff). And, of course it's a game that can be fun to play single player with a friend watching, because you can each play to one-up the other on the levels, or razz each other, or shout instructions that the other person doesn't need.

I had probably been doing that while Alex was playing one day, and he beat the boss of the level, and one of his wingmen yells 'Yee-ha, you did it!' Alex says 'Yee-ha? Damn, his ass must be from Texas.' As I only had one chair in my room, and it was occupied, I was standing next to the TV for a good view (this was necessary, as I had a really small TV at the time). It was odd, I heard the character say what he did, heard what Alex said, and didn't react. Then I took a drink of soda, repeated what Alex had said inside my head, and the next thing you know my TV screen is covered in soda, and I'm laughing hysterically, which of course, made Alex laugh hysterically, and it's a running joke that we use to this day.

No, we weren't stoned, why do you ask?

If there's one complaint I have about the game - besides that I could tear through it in about an hour, once I got enough experience - it's how helpless your wingmen are. Slippy has no prayer most of the time, though it is amusing to hear him say he's gonna 'get someone now', only to have him start calling for help 3 seconds later. Peppy, Mr. Yee-Ha himself, isn't much better at times, and Falco, though rarely one to get in over his head, is such a jerk when you bail him out it makes me wonder why I did. This seems to be a problem a lot of flight games have: They can't make the A.I. of your wingmen too good, or there's nothing for you to do, but at the same time, they often make them too stupid, so you waste more time running about trying to save them, instead of completing the mission. Or you can't complete the mission because your wingmen are doing a crap job of keeping the enemy off your tail, even though that's all they're supposed to be doing. It's so very frustrating.

Let's end on a positive. Starfox 64. Good game, fun game, bright and colorful, easy to learn, the characters do have distinct personalities, even if it is a case of painting in broad strokes, and there's a moment or two that are actually potentially tear-jerking. Not for me, of course; I'm a rock (and no, not because I'm dense!), but for some you in touch with your emotions, you might notice it get a little dusty at the end (if you get the real ending).