As you may be aware, we face an important choice here in the year 2009. Marvel Minister of Information, Mr. Bendis has informed us that Dr. Stephen Strange will be removed from his position as Sorcerer Supreme, Master of the Mystic Arts, Defender of our Reality from Breeding 4th-Dimensional Hyper-Fungi, and whatever other titles he possesses (excepting his doctorate of medicine, of course).
Now, there are going to be a lot of beings vying for your support to help them gain this position, and we here at Reporting on Marvels and Legends feel it's important you know more about these candidates.
Brother Voodoo: Sure, his supporters will tell you that he was the person Iron man turned to when he needed to know if Dr. Strange and his New Avengers were hiding in the apparently run down Sanctum Sanctorum. What they won't mention is that Voodoo wasn't able to determine whether Strange was there or not, because his magic is weak. Furthermore, did you know Voodoo owns a partial share in the Mm-mm Chicken Conglomerate? That may not seem relevant, but this is a man who frequently kills chickens, ostensibly for his voodoo rituals. But who do you think those chickens belong to? That's right, honest, hardworking folks like you and me! And when we don't have chickens of our own to eat, guess who we have to purchase chicken from, thus improving their bottom line, and that of their shareholders? That's right, Mm-mm Chicken Conglomerate.
The Scarlet Witch: Really now. We're expected to entrust the protection of our reality to someone who goes around killing friends and drastically altering reality simply because her children were imaginary? She says she's better now, but she's said that before, and then gone around the bend. Can we possibly trust her?
The Hood: Mr. Bendis would have you believe that Parker Robbins is a fine choice. That he's the All-American success story, coming from low beginnings, gaining power through hard work and seizing every advanatge that comes our way, and that he'll work to protect us. What he doesn't tell you is that Mr. Robbins has a close partnership with Dormammu, Chairman of Dark Dimension Incorporated, who has attempted hostile takeovers of the 616-Reality Company on several occasions. So whose interests is Parker Robbins really serving, hmm? Besides, Mr. Robbins is as prone to using cyborgs to do his dirty work as the mystic arts. If we wanted someone reliant on technology, we'd call Tony Stark, or perhaps Ted Kord, since he's not busy these days.
Dr. Doom: Dr. Doom certainly seems a qualified candidate. Brilliant, driven, already well-versed in sorcery. Still, Doom has maintained close relations with dangerous sorceress Morgana Le Fay, and on one occasion, killed a woman who deeply loved him and used her skin to make mystically powered armor. Now this dedication to his craft sounds promising, but it also reveals that Victor von Doom focuses too much on the big picture. Sure, it's great if he saves the universe, but if the spell used requires him to kill an entire country, as it's powered by their pain and anguish, well that's a bit drastic, isn't it? Especially since you couldn't be certain you wouldn't be the one sacrificed. One thing is certain: it wouldn't be Dr. Doom sacrificing himself.
Illyana Rasputin - Certainly knows her way around a Hell Dimension, and her old-fashioned policy of dealing with threats by stabbing them with her magic sword until said threats die will certainly appeal to those fond of the good old days. Still, contrary to what manga may have taught you, it's rarely wise to entrust the safety of your reality to a teenager. Too mercurial, unstable for the job. And how do we know she isn't working with the rulers of Limbo, as she's so recently left?
Ghost Rider - Well, it would be pretty cool to have a stunt biker with a flaming skull be Sorcerer Supreme, but let's be serious here: There's no way he can possibly wear the Cloak of Levitation without his tires lighting it on fire as he tears down the highway. And we can't have a Sorcerer Supreme who can't use a Cloak of Levitation, that would just be ridiculous.
The Druid - Dr. Druid's son. Now, if his father had taught him a few things, we might be on to something. As it is, he has less experience than any of the other choices. Plus, there's the question of whether we want Nick Fury to have access to all the places a Sorcerer Supreme has to go. It sounds like a good idea to have Nick Fury deal with extra-dimensional beings by smashing into their homes on a rocket cycle, firing two guns while smoking a cigar with no shirt, but then you find out they were having a peaceful dinner, and now the entire universe is being attacked by aggrevied sentient cucumbers.
Other Guy With Flaming Skull - Um, Zarathos? It's not that Ghost Rider knockoff Vengeance is it? Look, if we don't even know who he is, there's no way we can go handing the keys to the groovy pad in Greenwhich Village over to him.
Clea - On the positives, she's a longstanding opponent of Dark Dimension Incorporated. Learned from Dr. Strange, and has helped defend this realm, even though it is not her home, showing a level of empathy that we could believe in. On the other hand, she also did the nasty in the pasty with Ben Franklin, potentially endangering our timeline. That's a rather cavalier attitude to take. Also, come people may be put off by the fact Dormammu is her uncle, assuming guilt by association. Plus, if Strange was her teacher, then mightn't she repeat his mistakes?
So all these candidates have their strengths and weaknesses. But as leader of Reporting on Marvels and Legends, I'm going to throw my weight behind a true dark-horse candidate. No, not Hellboy (we already asked, he declined to jump realities) Someone who's been exposed to magic through people other than just Dr. Strange. Someone who can use magic, but doesn't like it. You may find that a curious qualification, but the most common downfall of Sorcerer Supremes is falling in love with the power, as witnessed by attempted coup d'etats by Baron Mordo. A Master of the Mystic Arts who distrust mystic arts is less likely to be seduced by them.
With this in mind, I throw the full support of my organization behind. . . Patsy Walker, Hellcat!
Patsy Walker has years of experience dealing with the odd and unusual from her time as an Avenger and Defender. She did have a disastrous relationship with Damion Hellstrom (as her more mean-spirited competitors will no doubt bring up), but Patsy admits to it. The experience taught her many valuable things about magic, and made her a more formidable opponent, to the extent she even outsmarted Hellstrom and Dormammu when they attempted to takeover all the other Underworld realms*, a clear demonstration of her understanding of the value in keeping threats to our realm divided. Plus, Patsy Walker will look out for the average citizen, and have a bright, cheerful disposition while doing so, a delightful change from the typical brooding, unfriendly mystic defender.
In 2009, vote Hellcat for Sorcerer Supreme**!
* As detailed in the Extra-Dimensional Committe report submitted by Engelhart and Breyfogle, Status Update On Dark Dimension Incorporated's Hostile Takeover Attempt of Various Other Smaller Scale Afterlife-Suffering Based Corporate Entities. ** This post was paid for by A Blogger Supporting Hellcat As New Sorceress Supreme. Hellcat is not affiliated with this organization in anyway, and comments here do not reflect her opinion, only those of CalvinPitt.