If The Evil Opposite Won't Come To The Blog. . .

*Outside a small cafe*

Calvin: We're meeting at a cafe? Little cliche, don't you think?

UnCalvin: I like the drink selection, especially the cappuccinos.

Calvin: You and your unmanly European coffees.

*UnCalvin raises an eyebrow*

Calvin: What? It's from Hudson Hawk, a quite unjustly maligned movie. It has James Coburn in it, that's a sure mark of quality!

UnCalvin: Yes, of course, if you say so.

Calvin: What's with the Dennis Quaid look? It's a little common for your tastes? For that matter, why are we meeting in Nebraska?!

UnCalvin: We're in Nebraska because I recently opened a small travel bureau here. That's it right across the street. *Calvin turns, sees an ordinary building, with lots of bright pictures of other locales in the window* I look like this because it enables me to fit in. Cary Grant would draw too much attention.

Calvin: I'd have thought you'd set up shop somewhere like Venice.

UnCalvin: How would you make it to this meeting if it were in Venice? And where would I find the funds to "set up shop" there, as you put it?

Calvin: That 17 bucks you stole from me last April Fools didn't help so much I take it?

UnCalvin: Of course not! Buffoon.

Calvin: I'm the buffoon?! You're the one who thought robbing me was a viable way to get wealthy!

Uncalvin: Yes well, it was a minor miscalculation.

Calvin: Well, anyway, it's good to see you.

*UnCalvin punches Calvin in the jaw. Calvin falls out of his chair, and hits his head on the floor. People at the other tables glance over curiously.*

UnCalvin: *Notices glances from onlookers* Just an old greeting between college buddies, is all. *Helps Calvin up*

Calvin: Why is it, every time you're around me, I end up suffering cranial trauma?

UnCalvin: Likely because you need cranial trauma.

Calvin: Ah. So you're running a travel bureau. Helping people plan vacations to the Pacific and such?

UnCalvin: DisneyWorld is more likely, but yes.

Calvin: So you have new minions?

UnCalvin: I have subordinates, yes. I miss my Flying Castle staff. They at least remembered to refill the coffee pot. They were better about showing proper deference to their superior as well.

Calvin: Maybe you need to knock some of the new folks out of a tall building.

UnCalvin: Hmm, the local Better Business Bureau would frown upon such tactics. Ally is quite active in the PTA. She'd likely warn the other parents to take their business elsewhere. I miss Captain Androzier. She's working at a brewery in Australia now.

Calvin: It's tough being legit.

UnCalvin: Yes. At least I'm my own boss. That last time I attacked you taught me I'm not made for taking orders.

Calvin: What was that guy's problem anyway?

UnCalvin: He wanted you dead. Something about banishing him to nothingness without a thought for his well-being. He believed I shared his goals, and was rather miffed to learn I'm content to wreck your blog.

Calvin: Oh. I didn't even know I could banish someone to nothingness. And if I did, then how does he exist?

UnCalvin: Perhaps you did your usual slipshod job. Or perhaps he was insane. After his initial introduction, with the profanity, he couldn't finish a single sentence coherently. Don't you remember?

Calvin: No, I ducked out the door about the time he ripped out the wall. You know, I had a heck of a time explaining that to my bosses.

UnCalvin: Another reason not to have bosses. I wondered where you went.

Calvin: You know me. Expert at slipping away unnoticed. What do you mean, couldn't finish a sentence?

UnCalvin: Quite. He would begin to say something in an angry tone about wanting to kill, the shift to a more genial one about pancakes. Though in one case he started and finished angry, but not about the same thing. The second time he seemed to be dying.

Calvin: That's strange.

UnCalvin: Quite.

Calvin: Well, it was nice talking with you. Glad to see you've settled into a life of mediocrity.

UnCalvin: *Glares* Mediocrity? *Rises slowly from chair* Is that what you believe? Fool! This is merely my new, low-key base of operations! The feeble-mined people who will book their trips through me carry with them a time-elapsed, nano-mind control virus which they spread to everyone they meet once arriving at their destination. *Facial features shift to more closely resemble Billy Drago, circa Adventures of Brisco County Jr.* Soon, I will have control of everyone in all the world's preeminent tourist attractions! Then I can rule the world! *Spreads arms wide, cape unfurls from around his neck, billows impressively* Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! What do you say to that?

Calvin: *Smirks* I say I hope you'd already completed the "spread the virus" section of your plan, because otherwise, I don't think boldly announcing how you're using the locals as part of a world domination scheme, in front of many of those locals, was particularly bright.

*UnCalvin looks around, notices several people glaring at him*

UnCalvin: You just think you're so clever, don't you?

Calvin: I have my moments.

UnCalvin: Enjoy the pitiful few you have left! I'll have my revenge, assuming that crazy fellow doesn't get you first.

Calvin: He's not dead?

UnCalvin: He wasn't when he stumbled off into the woods. He still had Hideous Baby Penguin stuck to the underside of his shoe.

Calvin: Delightful imagery there.

UnCalvin: He killed them all. Except Deadpool.

Calvin: And the Ghost of Rutherford B. Hayes, of course.

UnCalvin: I suppose. Hayes did flee back to the netherworld, though, so he might as well be dead.

Calvin: Well, if you want someone old timey, there's always Cornelius Potfiller.

UnCalvin: No, I think not, he was - Surprise!

*UnCalvin draws a large gun, fires. The casing flies open, revealing a boxing glove. Calvin tumbles backwards out of his chair to avoid it, whacking his head on the sidewalk. Again. The boxing glove smashes through the windshield of a car driving by, causing it to swerve off the road, and smash directly into UnCalvin's office. Calvin starts laughing.*

Calvin: Completely worth the cranial trauma.

UnCalvin: Damn it all to the furnaces of Hell! How do you and your cohorts keep doing this to me?

Calvin: *Rising to his feet* I have absolutely no idea, but I love it. This has been a great visit, but it looks like you have some repair work to do. Drop me a line when you have your grand reopening. *walks to his vehicle and drives off*

UnCalvin: *Standing at roadside, shaking fist* Curse you! I'll have my revenge! Just you wait!