Be Glad I Didn't Use Two Deadpools. . . Yet

For all I know Battle of the Atom is over, but I might as well discuss this anyway.

So there were/are two future X-teams running around? I guess that would explain that panel I saw of a Future Iceman who looked like a wizard, when the version that appeared in X-Men looked more like the Thing. I'm guessing one of the teams is evil and up to no good, unless both of them are evil.

I figure the group from X-Men is probably bad. Yeah, they have Molly Hayes on their team and it's hard to picture her being evil, but look at the rest of the bunch. Hulking, seemingly mute Ice-creature. Mysteriously young, walking Xavier, when Xavier had been getting proposed as increasingly morally dubious for awhile (since at least Deadly Genesis). An older Jean Grey wearing Xorn's helmet, because that isn't ominous. A Hank McCoy who has one curved horn. I don't know what to make of that. Did he mutate again, only it sputtered out halfway through, or was he experimenting on himself again? Either way, very creepy looking.

Worst of all, they have a Deadpool who barely speaks. He said two words through the entirety of X-Men #5, and it was a simply confirmation that he was going to carry out orders. Two words in an entire issue? Deadpool says more than two words in two words. No jokes, not even an attempt to make a joke that falls horribly flat.

Voice Behind Calvin: [We're trying to save our world by restoring the timeline. There's nothing humorous about that.]

Deadpool? I told you earlier this week the blog wasn't ready for your return yet! *turns* Oh, Future Deadpool. Of course.

Future Deadpool: [And two months from now you'll tell me it is.]

Ha! Now I know you're evil, because that's a lie. Two months from now, I still won't have received my copies of December's books, so I won't have reviewed your series, so you can't show up!

Future Deadpool: [You invited me to help ring in the start of Year 8 here on the blog.]

Hmm, that does sound like something I might do in the height of desperation that comes from excessive exposure to Christmas spirit.

Future Deadpool: [Yes. You said something about me going to the department stores and killing everyone.]

What?

Future Deadpool: [You used "thin out the crowds" as a euphemism, but your meaning was clear.]

Are you sure? I could see myself asking you to scare everyone out but chasing them while brandishing a giant salami like a sword, but not actually killing people.

Future Deadpool: [It didn't matter. I was too intoxicated on Irish cream and boxed wine to do anything.]

Oh. Well, that's good, I guess. Seriously though, where are the jokes?

Future Deadpool: [I told you, this isn't a laughing matter?]

You're running around in the past searching for versions of people you know from the even more distant past. You can't at least keep up a running commentary?

Future Deadpool: [It would just distract everyone.]

Exactly. I might forget I was reading an event tie-in. Did Future Xavier and Jean break your brain?

Future Deadpool: *sighs* [No. Look, I went through a lot of things and I grew up. I became a reliable hero and a member of the X-Men.]

You could at least sound more excited about that last part

Future Deadpool: [It's not a prize, it's a responsibility.]

I don't know why you're bothering.

Future Deadpool: [What?]

You're in the Marvel Universe; the future always sucks in the Marvel Universe. Is not having Scott Summers or Jean Grey around going to break things that much worse? If it isn't Sentinels, it's Alchemax. If it isn't the mega-corps, it's the Martians, or the Badoon, or Apocalypse, or Kang, or some idiot aspect of Adam Warlock's soul.

Future Deadpool: [That's no reason to stop trying.]

True, but is there any reason to think making the kids go back home is really going to fix things? Or that your future is worth preserving? No offense Wade, but if you're on the X-Men, things have gone seriously awry along the line.

Future Deadpool: [You think so?]

Not that you aren't doing your best for them, but the X-Men have historically treated you like something they would scrape off their shoes. They're more likely to let Sabretooth in the front door than you. If they've welcomed you, they probably were out of options.

Future Deadpool: *glum* [Maybe you're right.]

What you need are some mini-pizzas.

Future Deadpool: *perks up* [Yeah, that crunchy because it's burnt on the outside, crunchy because it's still frozen in the middle crust, topped with a melted, cheeselike substance, and something that might be meat if you don't look too close! That's something worth wrecking time for!]

*Future Deadpool waits expectantly, Calvin continues typing.*

Future Deadpool: [Well?]

Oh, I don't have any. I was just commenting that you could use some.

Future Deadpool: [I forgot, mini-pizzas are an extravagance you can't afford on your limited budget.]

Was that a crack at my expense?

Future Deadpool: [Should I have referenced your "broke ass" to make it more clear?]

No, I was hoping your sense of humor was returning.

Future Deadpool: *shrugs* [It might be.]

You going to go help your teammates set things right before returning to your time?

Future Deadpool: [Nah, think I'll go find some corn dogs and nachos, find a nice to set on fire. Then sleep on it. While it's on fire.]

Sounds like an admirable way to spend your time.