Wednesday, May 14, 2014

A Grenade Will Remove That Bump In The Road!

Deadpool: [Hi, welcome to the recap page! Let me just get an appropriately adorable image of myself here and I'll tell you what you missed last time!]

Clever Adolescent Panda: Oh no you don't! I'm the only one who gets adorable pictures of themselves posted on here!

Deadpool: [Ha! Your day is done! I'm the new hotness! Er, cuteness.]

CAP: Never! *sounds of fighting*

Calvin: {There's no recap page! Now, can we focus on my problem?}

Deadpool: [Sure, you're frequently antisocial, and unwilling to share your true emotions. Also, you're going grey.]

Calvin: {Not those problems! The birders!}

Deadpool: [Oh right, giant bird people. Well, I took care of Hawkman for ya, he's a person pretending to be a bird. I'm sure actual bird people won't be any trouble.]

CAP: Wade, I think he means people who like at birds, not people who are birds.

Deadpool: [Well that's even easier then! Plus, no scent of charred feathers when I fire up the flamethrower! Heh, fire.]

CAP: Wade, you can't use a flamethrower on innocent people!

Calvin: {I don't know, the idea has promise. . .}

CAP: No burning!

Calvin: {You're right, a flamethrower may not be enough. Plus, a risk of wildfires. I was thinking mines, though we'd have to keep track of them. My coworkers need to be able to get through safely.}

CAP: Couldn't the birders just watch them to see which way to go?

Calvin: {I think you overestimate their intelligence. But possibly. That's fine, I have an even better idea. It'll look like a bag of cookies, but actually it contains a wormhole which will suck them in when they reach for a cookie and deposit them somewhere else.}

Deadpool: [And we get to eat the cookies that were originally in the bag? I like this plan!]

CAP: I think there are serious problems with it.

Calvin: {You're right. We'd have to let them inside first.}

CAP: No, like where is the wormhole putting them, and how are we even creating a wormhole and stabilizing it inside a bag of cookies?

Calvin: *shrugs* {I dunno. Gravity waves?}

Deadpool: [Sounds about right. The judges would also have accepted "nanobots".]

CAP: *sighs*

Calvin: {OK, what about a giant robot?}

CAP: *perks up* Giant robot?

Calvin: {Yeah, big ole fearsome robot. Maybe with a cape. Not too large, it'll still need both hands to pick up the car, but big enough to hurl it in the sewage lagoon. maybe give it a voice, some fearsome catchphrases.}

Deadpool: [Can we still have cookies?]

Calvin: {Sure! Have some now!} *hands Wade bag of peanut butter cookies*

Deadpool: *muffled by chewing* [I wike this plam! I'm excited about it!]

CAP: Wait, where do we get a giant robot from?

Calvin: {I'm sure Wade has one hanging around. Right?}

Deadpool: [If I had a giant robot, I wouldn't be hanging out with you guys. I'd be smashing Stark Industries. Or fighting a giant, inflatable Godzilla. But I know someone who can make one! Let me make a call!] *grabs cell phone from a hip pouch*

Calvin: {Is it UnCalvin?}

Deadpool: [How'd you guess? She owes me a favor after I acted as security at that last company party.]

CAP: In case one of the employees steals her stuff and tries to conquer the world?

Deadpool: [Nah. One of them got wasted, climbed up on the table and dropped their drawers.]

CAP: And you stopped them?

Deadpool: [That was what we agreed on, but I actually got on the table and did drawer-dropping solidarity. Kind of killed the mood, but nothing got wrecked.]

Calvin: {Maybe we should skip the giant robot idea. Let's just dig a big hole in the road, and cover it with an appropriately colored tarp.}

CAP: *quickly* Yeah, that sounds less likely to get us killed.

Calvin: {Then again, that's a lot of digging. . .}

Deadpool: *hangs up* [No worries, I have plenty of nature's shovels.]

Calvin: {Badgers?}

Deadpool: [Hand grenades. Why would I have badgers?]

Calvin: {Wade, there's not much of anything you could have on your person that would surprise me.}

Deadpool: [. . . Fair enough. To the road!]

*Outside, in the road*

Deadpool: [Now, in case anyone drives by and gets suspicious, we should have road crew uniforms.]

Calvin: {Here, we wear these orange vests during turkey season so no one mistakes us for big, fat birds.}

Deadpool: [Perfect! No one will suspect a thing! Fire in the hole!] *pulls pin, drops grenade at their feet*

Calvin: {Oh, jeez. . .}

CAP: Hang on! *grabs the collar of Calvin's shirt with teeth, leaps away*


Calvin: *searching through smoke* {Wade! Why did you do it? Everything was going so well for him! Aw man, I don't want to tell Shiklah he's dead.}

CAP: Yeah, she'll probably eat you.

Deadpool: *from behind* [What are you guys talking about?]

CAP: *tinge of consternation in voice* How did you get that farther away than me?

Deadpool: [I wasn't hauling that *points at Calvin* for one thing. Second, I have a lot of experience outrunning explosions.]

Calvin: {Well. . . great. Quick, cover it with the tarp.}

CAP: What tarp?

Calvin: {The appropriately colored tarp we discussed before we came out here.}

CAP: I thought you had one, and that's why you mentioned it.

Calvin: *getting heated* {Why would I have a tarp? This was like my fifth fallback plan after you kept killing these others, Doubting Thomas Panda! None of the others required tarps!}

CAP: *yelling* Don't get mad at me because you come up with impractical solutions to your own problems!

Calvin: *exasperated* {Impractical solution lead to more interesting stories!}

*Meanwhile, Deadpool scrounges through his pouches and finds a large tarp with his emblem on it. He lays it out neatly over the hole. He looks at it a moment, then removes the tarp and drops another grenade in the hole*

Calvin: *still shouting* {- even need a tarp for mines or wormhole cookies? That's completely ridiculous!}


Calvin: {Gah!}

CAP: Aah!

Deadpool: *cheerful as he lays the tarp back down* [Now it can hold more cars!]

CAP: *regards tarp thoughtfully* Wade, is there anything you have that doesn't have your image on it?

Deadpool: [Why would there be? Wait, do you think I need to change it, to let people know I'm married now? Hmm, maybe a gold band around the logo?]

Calvin: {That's a good point. I guess the question is, is all this stuff related to your professional life, or your personal, and is Shiklah part of only one or both? Do you have this just because you like it, or because it makes good branding sense to get your name on potential employers' minds?}

Deadpool: [Well, I think it's good to have a consistent message, but mostly I wanted to have merchandise to sell. You know, at conventions. Or to give away. Instead of business cards, knee pads and gloves with no fingers that have my image.]

CAP: Guys?

Calvin: {Well, that sounds like a business consideration, so the question is, will Shiklah be involved with that? Or is she off doing her "Ruler of the Monster Metropolis" thing, while you're being a Extreme Problem Solver?}

Deadpool: ["Extreme Problem Solver"?]

Calvin: {I thought it sounded nicer than "gun for hire".}


Calvin: {What?}

CAP: There's an ominous cloud at ground level headed right for us. Is that important?

Calvin: {Yeah, I probably should have mentioned the birders were arriving today.}

Deadpool: *pulls on fingerless gloves, the right says "DEAD", the left says "POOL"* [All right, kids. Hold on to your butts.]

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