Friday, May 16, 2014

It's A Bleeding-Throated Hummingbird!, Or "Hell Comes Back To Capistrano!"

Deadpool: [Last time, I got to blow up a road! Kiss your tax dollars good-bye!]

Calvin: {Wade, I told you there's no recap page!.}

CAP: Will you guys focus? The birders are almost here!

Calvin: {Hide!} *scrambles up the hill*

Deadpool: [Hide, schmide. I got this all planned out.] *steps into the road, waving*

Stupid Birder: *extremely cheerful and chirpy voice* Oh boy, I sure am excited about starting this job! I hope there are other people there whose peace and tranquility I can destroy with my lack of consideration! Hmm, why is there a man in a black-and-red body stocking in the middle of the road and waving to me? Well, he has an orange vest and hard hat, he must be a road worker.

*The stupid birder follows Wade's instructions and drives over the tarp. And promptly falls into the hole. Deadpool steps into the middle of the road, and looks down at the vehicle's rear end*

Deadpool: [Hello, stupid person? Could you possibly hand me that tarp? Hello?]

CAP: Where did Wade get that hard hat?

Calvin: {It's part of our safety gear when we use chainsaws. I told him where to find it.}

CAP: *concerned* Were there chainsaws in plain sight there?

Calvin: {They were in plastic cases, but those cases were sitting in the open, yes. Why?}

CAP: You don't think Wade being around chainsaws is a bad idea?

Calvin: {Piffle. You haven't seen our chainsaws. If he can manage to get one started, more power to him. Besides, what's the worst case scenario? He attacks the birders? Those chains'll be dull by the time he gets through one limb. Can you see Wade taking time to sharpen a chain?}

CAP: That. . . makes sense, in a callous way.

Calvin: {Wade, look out!}

*Another birder, driving down the road in their oblivious manner, slams right into Wade's butt, sending him into the hole and through the rear window of the first car.*

Deadpool: [Wow, my cranium is undamaged! Helmets do save lives! My butt isn't so lucky, and it's almost swimsuit season! Hey, will you stop screaming, I'm trying to commentate.]

*Then the second car falls into the hole on top of him.*

Deadpool: [My intestines, the helmet does nothing!]

Calvin: {Well, that's Wade out of action.}

CAP: And there are more birders coming!

Calvin: {Fall back to the housing! We'll throw stuff at them, or fend them off with dirty cookwear!}

CAP: *running alongside Calvin* That's a terrible plan! Let's use your car to block the entryway!

Calvin: {NO. I already lost one vehicle this spring, I won't lost another!}

CAP: Well, the birders are driving over the other two cars, so we're doomed. Or you are, I'll just go home.

Calvin: *dryly* {Thanks ever so. Just for that, I'm coming to live with you. Get your fridge stocked now.}

CAP: Not a chance.

*Our two heroes stop in front of the housing, and turn to see the first car pulling into the parking lot. Calvin begins planning how to dig a tunnel from his room to the kitchen so he can circumvent the birders, and the Clever Adolescent Panda starts planning how to transport Calvin's stuff when he loses his mind and goes to jail after a mass murder spree. Abruptly, a shadow falls over the encroaching car.*


*A giant robot lands with a THOOM, grabs the car with both hands, and hurls it into the sewage lagoon. It narrowly misses the tail section of UnCalvin's jet, which nobody bothered to haul out. There's a faint sound of a birder screaming swiftly drowned out by a splash. The robot is essentially a metal Minotaur, except also with a cape.*

UnCalvin: *floats above the robot on a jetpack, once again sporting the pirate boots and the nice cape* What do you think of my giant robot?

CAP: This cannot be good.

Calvin: {Your giant robot? It was my idea! Though I would never have gone with a minotaur. Gundam all the way, baby.}

UnCalvin: Because you're an uncultured lout. And it may have been your idea for birder defense, but I built it after Deadpool mentioned your idea to me. He was quite willing to sign away all the rights in your name, so all profits go to me.

Calvin: {What?!}

UnCalvin: Really, you should be glad I gave you the chance to see your idea brought to life and shared with the world. I'm sure it will be a big hit at country clubs that want to keep undesirables out.

CAP: Oh, that's just awful. Am I going to have to punch you in the face again?

UnCalvin: *haughtily* Ha! I'd like to see you try from down there!

*Another birder car drives up, the robot turns and casually kicks it back across the road. It lands 20 feet up in a pine tree. Back at the hole in the road, a red-clad arm can be seen crawling out of the second car in the pit.*


Calvin: {That is just awful.}

CAP: I know. Giant robots should be used to save the world, not aid in the oppression of others. I hope my training in Giganto Monster Slaying translates to artificial life. Just keep UnCalvin distracted and I'll climb the robot and then I can jump her.

Calvin: {I mean its phrases. My giant robot was supposed to say things like "REMEMBER ME!", and "CRUSH, KILL DESTROY"}

CAP: As much as I agree that UnCalvin lacks any gift for written dialogue, focus!

Calvin: {Relax, distracting UnCalvin is easy. *walks forward* Hey, look at me! I'm still blogging successfully, completely unimpeded by my incompetent evil opposite!}

UnCalvin: *Nostrils flare* You dare, impudent speck? I'll shall obliterate you from history so utterly, not even your memory will survive!

Calvin: *sneering, waves butt derisively in UnCalvin's direction* {Tough talk from someone who wore a flammable cape with a jetpack!}

UnCalvin: What? *looks back, sees cape on fire* Oh, curse it all.

*UnCalvin has to land immediately, shrug off the jetpack, then remove the burning cape. The villain begins to try and beat the flames out, only to receive a running jump punch in the face from the panda.*

CAP: You know, I haven't gotten to Bonk Tony Stark on the head in years, and I miss it. But that means I have a nice backlog saved up, and you've definitely earned these.

UnCalvin: Don't be too sure. I still have a giant robot, or had you forgotten?

*But the robot is otherwise occupied as Deadpool has not only managed to get one of the chainsaws started, but used it to cut his way out of the roof of the second car. And now he's attacking the robot with it, since he has no idea what's going on*

Deadpool: [I sure hope this robot isn't helping to stop the birders! Too bad I can't hear anything over this chainsaw I keep using to hack ineffectually at the robot with! Man, this chain dulled fast!]

UnCalvin: Wade, stop distracting my security droid!

Deadpool: [What? Don't worry, I won't let this monstrosity hurt my friends! As an X-Man, I'm well-versed in smashing giant killer robots. First rule, attack the groin.]

*Hurls chainsaw at the robot, but since he's not holding the throttle down, the chain isn't turning, and it bounces off. In response, the robot pulls up a section of the barbed wire fence that surrounds the sewage pond and cracks it at Deadpool like a whip. Wade is cut deeply and swatted across the lot, crashing into one of the AC units. Wade then falls to the ground. After a moment, the AC unit falls on top of him.*

Calvin: *sitting off to one side taking it all in* {Hmm, I wonder if they'll revoke alcohol privileges for that?}

*The robot actually preens a bit, flexing its irrelevant muscles, then swinging the fencing over its head like a Terrible Towel that belonged to an Inquisitor. The fence wraps around a tree and gets stuck. As the robot tries to pull it free, its back is turned to the entrance, and so it doesn't see yet another birder car, undaunted - or more likely oblivious - to the carnage around it pull in. The car crashes into the back of the robot's strangely tiny ankles, causing it to lose its balance. It loses its grip on the fencing which wraps around its neck, and as it topples, the head is neatly sheared off. It crashes perfectly in the dumpster, as UnCalvin buries her face in her hands.*

UnCalvin: Why did I listen to Dr. Stephapopolous when he suggested the Minotaur styled designed? All the studies said the legs would have stability issues. *sighs, rolls cape up, tucks under shoulder, slips jetpack back on* Well, back to the old drawing board. *takes off in a roar of exhaust*

CAP: Wow, for once UnCalvin didn't lose any transportation.

Deadpool: [Ah, that thing will never get her home. It can hardly carry any fuel. It's better than jet boots, don't get me wrong, but jetpacks are like puddle jumpers, or energy drinks: Good for the short haul, but leaves you drained and exhausted along a long stretch of road with no idea how you got there.]

CAP: Huh?


CAP: Aw, that's so sad.

Calvin: {Yeah, UnCalvin built a really terrible giant robot, which shouldn't even be possible. But no beam sword, no rocket fists, lousy catchphrases -}


Deadpool: [That'd be a lot more scary if the rest of you was functional, too.]

CAP: He's right.

Giant Robot: . . . I KNOW.

*As this continues, more cars pull into the lot, and cheery young birders pile out with lots of suitcases and bright, curious smiles. Calvin grimaces.*

Calvin: {Let's retreat to my room.} *turns to head inside*

CAP: What about the birders?

Calvin: *shrugs* {Eh, with all this damage, they'll almost surely outlaw booze on the premises. When none of my coworkers can drink, they'll be much more likely to take care of the birders for me. By killing them. Problem solved.}

Deadpool: [You'd think they'd just outlaw you.]

Calvin: {You would, but I'm always just distanced enough from the actual destruction to have plausible deniability. I can't help it if crazy stuff happens while I just happen to be sitting in the vicinity.}

CAP: You know, I can probably get the badgers to salvage the giant robot, if you want it.

Calvin: {Nah, it has to be exactly the way I pictured it in my head, or it's awful. Just like with comic books movies.}

CAP: Then can I have it?

Deadpool: [No way, I want it to show to Shiklah! She'll be so impressed when she sees I killed a metal cow-person!]

CAP: You didn't kill it! A tree did!

Deadpool: [Who attacked it, forcing it to pick up that fence that the tree used to kill it? That's right, not you!]

Calvin: *sighs, continues into the housing alone*

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