Friday, May 09, 2014

Like We Wouldn't Celebrate The Momentous Occasion

*Calvin, Clever Adolescent Panda, and Deadpool, sit in Calvin's small, but for the moment private, room. Calvin lounges on a bed, Deadpool in a plastic hard-backed chair, and the panda sits on the floor, leaning against the bed frame. The three have gathered to celebrate the Merc with a Mouth's recent wedding to a Queen of the Underworld. A keg sits near Calvin, from which Deadpool regularly refills an old St. Louis (football) Cardinals mug. Several mini-pizzas sit on a large tray on a metal foot locker in between them. Outside, it's night, the moon only intermittently visible through the clouds, which periodically rain upon the landscape. Even more infrequently, thunder and lightning make their presence known.*

Deadpool: [You aren't drinking?]

CAP: He never does.

Calvin: {Now I thought you two, at least, would spare me the peer pressure.}

Deadpool: [Hey, no peer pressure here. No judgements, just bros, right my compadre?]

CAP: *a little tight-lipped* Right.

Deadpool: [Just because I think your personal decisions make you a big weenie doesn't mean I'm going to object to having all this beer for myself.]

CAP: You could share with -

Calvin: {No.}

Deadpool: [That's right, I'm a responsible adult now. Now more screwing around, except with my sweetie.]

CAP: Ummm. . .

Calvin: {Didn't pull you away from any delicate situations on your honeymoon, did we?}

Deadpool: [Every day is a honeymoon for me and my honey!]

Calvin: {. . .Is that a yes or a no? I'd prefer not to have your new bride angry at me.}

Deadpool: [Absence will make the heart grow fonder. As long as I bring some of these mini-pizzas back, no problems.]

Calvin: {Then you might want to stop eating them before we run out.}

Deadpool: [Why? You're the one she'll be mad at.]

Calvin: {Of course, how silly of me.}

Deadpool: [What's with you my little furry chum? Not going to congratulate me?]

Clever Adolescent Panda: Why wasn't I invited?

Deadpool: [Oh, well. . . Let me hand that question off to - look over there!]

*Deadpool tries to dash out the door, but is tackled before he can even leave his chair.*

Deadpool: [Ah, you've, oof, gained weight!]

CAP: *shifts to put a little more pressure on Wade's ribcage* After all we've been through, I don't even get to come to your wedding?

Calvin: {Sorry, Wade. The little one's been like this ever since I picked up issue 27.}

CAP: I understand not inviting him -

Calvin: {Hey!}

CAP: - it'd be like inviting Cyclops. But I'm cute and cuddly and a good dancer, and I wanted to give Captain America a hug!

Calvin: {He did invite Cyclops.}

CAP: What? *looks at Deadpool, who CAP is still sitting on*

Deadpool: [It's true, I did invite my fellow X-Man and mutant.]

CAP: You're not an X-Man or a mutant!

Calvin: {In the future he is. An X-Man, I mean. But seriously Wade, I'm pretty sure Cyclops didn't get an invite even to his own weddings.}

CAP: *looks up* Ouch.

Deadpool: [Look, I can explain! It's really simple!]

CAP: *eyes Deadpool suspiciously* Don't say it got lost in the mail

Deadpool: [No, I knew exactly where it was. It's just that the mail truck I stole ran out of gas. Ow, ow, I'm kidding, don't bite my throat, Shiklah likes that spot when we're -]

CAP: *lets go, tumbles off* Gah!

Deadpool: *sits up* [It is easy though. I'm part of your continuity, but you're not part of mine. It's like I'm a visitor to your land, but it only works one way, when I'm here on Earth-58008.]

CAP: Earth-58008?

Deadpool: [Yeah, because if you type it in a calculator and flip it upside down, it spells "boobs".] *titters*

CAP: *disgusted* Ugh. That's so stupid..

Calvin: {Yeah Wade. Everyone knows Earth-58008 is from that What If? where all the guy heroes are girls, but all the girl heroes are also girls.}

CAP: Huh?

Deadpool: [Wait, it really exists? I would love to see lady Cable, with the glowy and long, flowing tresses. Quickly, to the. . . um, crap. Who's good for traversing the multiverse? Dr. Strange? The Watcher has the TV room where he can spy on other universes, like a bald Jimmy Stewart.]

CAP: But he's dead.

Deadpool: [I know Jimmy Stewart's dead.]

CAP: I mean the Watcher!

Deadpool: [Oh yeah, him too. That just makes it easier to use his stuff! Now I just need a way to get to the moon. . .]

Calvin: {I'm joking, 'Pool. At least, I hope I am, though you can't be sure with the superhero writers.}

Deadpool: [Way to dash my hopes I was finally gaining Cosmic Consciousness. All those years of eating things that fell from the sky in the hopes it was a radioactive Living Tribunal loogie, wasted.]

CAP: Why would you want that?

Calvin: {Yeah, everyone who gets it goes crazy or dies. *pause* OK, so the first is of limited concern for you, but still. It hasn't been too great for the Mar-Vell family.}

Deadpool: [Things are going well for me, and we know that won't last. I figured this way, I can see the bad stuff coming, and maybe stop it.]

CAP: Oh. I can see that.

Deadpool: [But you're right. Who needs to see all that pain and suffering goin' on around the world? Beer me!]

CAP: That's what I'm talkin' about! *reaches for beer*

Calvin: {None for you.}

CAP: But you aren't drinking! You couldn't have bought the entire keg just for Wade!?

Calvin: {Sez who? I didn't get him a wedding gift - because I too didn't receive an invitation - *glares at Wade* so I couldn't find out where they were registered. So I bought him beer and mini-pizzas.}

Deadpool: [That's really swell, but let the kid have a beer. *whispers loudly* we'll make it sick and hungover, then it'll be a teetotaling panda.]

Calvin: {Kind of forgetting about panda stamina there. I'm pretty sure CAP could drink you under the table. If there was a table in here, that is.}

CAP: Darn straight!

Deadpool: [Blasphemy! In addition to being the Weapon X Karaoke Champ, I'm also reigning Marvel Universe Drinking Champion!]

CAP: You couldn't out-drink Fat Cobra!

Deadpool: [What? Who? I didn't have to bury him. Being used for a Fear Itself tie-in in a War Machine ongoing did that. I thought you were going to mention that fat buddy of Thor's. Kegstand the Wideload or something? Renfaire Santa Claus?]

Calvin: {Great, we're about to be at war with the Warriors Three if they get wind of this. Or worse, Volstagg's wife. Look Wade, before you get us all killed, I did have another reason for inviting you.}

Deadpool: [Oh great, here we go. Another person who wants me for my body. I'm taken, Calvin. You missed your chance.]

Calvin: *shudders* {I'm going to ignore that as hard as I can, because the other alternative is cranial trauma. No, this place *gestures to the room* is about to be invaded.}

CAP: *stops trying to surreptitiously grab keg hose*  Invaded? By who?

Calvin: *rises, leans against wall and gazes out the window into the distance, face hidden from his compatriots* {A horde of unrelenting destruction, dedicated only to satisfying their own rapacious desires at the cost of the peace and sanity of everyone unfortunate enough to be in their path.}

Deadpool: [You're being menaced by televangelists?]

CAP: It's not zombies is it? Everyone is being menaced by zombies these days, and rotting flesh smells really bad with this nose.

Calvin: {No, far worse than either, though I can't vouch for their smell. The dire threat I speak of, the one I feel sworn to stop, to protect my coworkers, is that of *waits for rumble of thunder*. . . the birders.}*Calvin looks up, hoping for the crack of lightning, but the sky remains dark.*

CAP: Birders?

*Now the lightning flashes*

Calvin: {Damn, ruined the effect.}

Deadpool: [Hey, I'm up for fightin' bird people. When we beat 'em, we'll make them pay tribute in eggs. Celebration omelet!]

To be continued. . . at some point in the hopefully near future.

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