Monday, October 27, 2014

Has The Forest Claimed Another Victim?

{Last time, Clever Adolescent Panda and Deadpool were horrified to learn the cookies they so enjoyed eating were made out of the melted down remnants of objects that held great love. With Calvin, they've ventured off to the tree bakery to put a stop to it. Or get more cookies. It could go either way.}

Clever Adolescent Panda: No, it couldn't.

Deadpool: [I don't know, I could use some cookies after our week-long trip down this road. So many obstacles in just a half-mile!]

CAP: Yeah, sorry about your hoodie, Calvin. Who thought that undead ferryman would be so excited about something warm to wear on his trips back and forth?

Calvin: *crestfallen* {I really liked that hoodie.}

CAP: Don't you have two other hoodies?

Calvin: {Not one that's bright blue, though!}

Deadpool: [Less whining, more striking cool poses. I think that's the tree.] *launches flying kick at the tree* [Come out, you little cookie-making monsters!] 

{Deadpool rains blows and invectives upon the tree, but there's no response. Finally, a voice pipes up from the tree next to the one Wade's hitting. It's high-pitched, but with a certain twang to it.}

Voice From Within The Tree: Hey, y'all wanna keep it down out there, idiot? You're disturbing the cookie makin' magic.

Deadpool: [Sure, absolutely, I'll do that. Say, you think you guys could make up a batch of cookies for me if I provided you the materials?]

CAP: Wade!

Deadpool: *puts finger to lips, winks* [Shh!]

Voice From Within Tree: Yeah sure. We don't guarantee the taste, though. That's on you to bring the good stuff. *A large opening appears in the trunk of the tree, roughly five feet up*

Deadpool: [Don't worry, there's a lotta love in what I've got for ya.]

Voice Inside the Tree: Awright, whatever, just give it to us.

Deadpool: [You ready for it?]

Chorus of Voices Inside Tree: Yes, get on with it!

Deadpool: *slips on special Deadpool brass knuckles* [Here you go!]

{And Deadpool punched into the tree with his right fist, the one with the "Dead" knucks on it. There was a noticeable sound of two impacts, one from the fist striking something, the other that something flying across the interior of the trunk and hitting the far side. Then there was a groan.}

Angry Voice Inside Tree: He hit Dwiddel! Grab him!

Deadpool: [Hey, wait, let go of my hand!] {Wade attempts to withdraw his arm, but is pulled forward sharply, slamming his face and torso into the trunk.} [Don't just stand there, help me! Agh, they're smashing my fingers with a rolling pin!]

{Clever Adolescent Panda, recognizing the hole is too small to fit into, and that sticking its arms in there would be a poor choice, opts to leap onto Deadpool's shoulders. From there, it braces its feet against the trunk, grabs Deadpool under the chin, and commences pulling. To little effect.}

Deadpool: [What the hell are you trying to do, readjust my neck? Your claws are in my face! That's my moneymaker!]

CAP: What, like playing the penny slots at the casino?

Deadpool: [It's part of my overall image! People want a mercenary who looks like he's been through some wars! *loud scream* OK, they're removing my fingers, would you do something?!]

CAP: Where are your grenades?

Deadpool: [If you want to go that route, just take a sword and cut my arm off! It'll grow back!]

CAP: You were open to that? Why didn't you do it already?

Deadpool: [It hurts, ya know! And I don't want them makin' cookies out of my arm!]

Calvin: {Just cool your jets.}

{During all the shouting and maiming, Calvin has been calmly putting on the proper safety equipment for operating a chainsaw, which he had opted to go back for after the run-in with the bear-riding Vikings. Now he removes the chainsaw from the case, check the fuel and bar oil levels, and starts struggling to get it running.}

Deadpool: [Would you come on? I can smell parts of me being cooked in there! I know what my burning flesh smells like!]

*at that moment, several more doorways open in the trunk, and little guys in overalls and combination wool sock caps/chef's hats come pouring out, gagging and retching. Wade and CAP go flying backwards as the opposing force to their pulling abruptly vanished*

One of the little guys: Oh God, it's horrible!

Another one: Like a tire fire someone threw up in!

A third: The smell is in my hair! It's in my hair! Somebody burn my hair!

Deadpool: *examines hand* [My fingers are gone! The thumb is all alone now! My left thumb is going to make fun of it now! And how will I dual-wield two weapons to kill these little bastards!?]

CAP: *peering into the trunk* Oh great, it's one of those places that's bigger on the inside. Hey, I see that Frisbee you gave the Ghost of the Forest!

{Calvin has finally gotten the chainsaw started. He turns to face them, looking grim through the protective screen on the helmet.}

Calvin: {Alright, where's my ghost friend?}

Little Guy In a Red Cap: I don't know nuthin' about no ghost. How about you, Stevedolino?

Stevedolino: *drawls* Nope, not a thang. Haf to be pretty silly to believe in ghosts.

CAP: Then where'd you get the Frisbee?

Little Guy in the Red Cap: We found it in the woods. We collect everything we find.

CAP: How are you gonna make cookies out of a Frisbee?

Red Cap Cookie Maker: You don't make the cookies out of it, you add it to the cookies you already were making. You break it down to an atomic level by slow-melting it over a convectional aperture. Then you spin it for an hour in a Hugterfuge, which separates the distinct emotions from the rest. You let the intense emotions cool, then grind them with the Power Pestle and sprinkle it on the cookies.

Deadpool: [Blah, blah, blah, nerdy nonsense talk! *kicks one of them wearing white overalls with orange polka dots on them* My hand demands JUSTICE!]

Stevedolino: He kicked Mercanser! What is it with this guy and violence?

Dwiddel: *through swollen jaw* I don't know, let's get him! With violence!

*The bakers go on the attack, using their various cooking implements and surprising strength to good effect. Wade finds it difficult to hit them when his right arm is ineffective, and trying to jam daggers into his fingers to give himself stabby hands proves to be a distraction and a waste of time. Clever Adolescent Panda is doing better, but the sheer numbers cause trouble. It has the reach advantage, but they swarm from every angle. CAP does better when it opts for a pinballing strategy, charging forward full tilt, then ricocheting off trees to come from another direction at high speed. But here, the presence of two allies blunts its effectiveness, as one has to be careful to not crash into them. Calvin is swinging the chainsaw, but in a mostly defensive manner, as he doesn't really want to cut anyone in half with it. Trying to explain gnome or whatever guts in the filter would be a real pain. 

Mercanser: *mocking* What ya think you're gonna do with that chainsaw? We're magic! You can't stop us with that, we'll just poof out of the way, like this! *disappears in a pink cloud, reappears a second later* Hahahahahaha!

{They gradually back him up to the tree, and one of them, wearing a cap with a skull-and-crossbones on it lurks in the limbs above. He draws a paring knife, then drops towards Calvin's neck. At the last instant, a gust of wind kicks up and slams him into a tree.*

Calvin: {Ghost! There you are! It is you, right?}

{In response, the wind whistles into the tree, and sends the Frisbee spinning out. It hovers for a moment in the air, then abruptly slams into one of the bakers that is dancing just out of Deadpool's reach on his right side.}

Deadpool: [It must be Storm, my teammate on the X-Men, taking a break from her hopefully wildly successful solo title to help us out!]

CAP: No Wade, it's a ghost. We've met it before.

Deadpool: *still slashing at the bakers* [Nah, completely improbable.] *the Frisbee hits Deadpool in the face* [That Storm, what a kidder!]

Calvin: {I may not be able to hit you guys - or want to really - but I bet the tree can't "poof" out of existence. *turns to face tree, revs chainsaw* Time to bring this factory of shattered dreams down! Bore Cut!}

Dwiddel: No, don't cut there! It's where we store the negative emotions!

{Calvin can't hear a thing over the saw and his hearing protectors. He cuts into the tree smoothly at first, then there's a moment of sparks and resistance, and then a dark violent fluid comes bursting out of the cut, enveloping him entirely. The chainsaw cuts out, and there's only the sound of a low groaning as the liquid seems to boil over him. The bakers utter not a word, only begin to back up slowly. Clever Adolescent Panda rushes forward.}

CAP: Calvin, are you OK? Wade, get some water! We'll get this stuff off, don't wor-urk!

{One gloved, steaming hand shoots out, and grasps the panda by its furry throat. Calvin rises slowly, breathing heavily, face gone, leaving only a blank space.}

Calvin?: *low, throaty hiss* {Haaaaaaaate. . .}

Deadpool: [Quick, Storm! Freeze him with an Arctic wind, or stun him with some lightning! *waits* Storm? Are you still there? Is the team-up over?]

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