Monday, October 20, 2014

Picking Up Where We Left Off. . .

Calvin: *monotone* {Well, now that Deadpool has finished destroying the coffee pot and my coworkers have finished cooing over you, Clever Adolescent Panda, we are free to continue over conversation from just a few minutes ago while continuing to eat delicious cookies.}

Deadpool: [That was the driest, most boring exposition ever. And it was a week ago.]

Calvin: {You're crazy, it is still Columbus Day! Stop being crazy Deadpool! Wait, what am I saying?}

Clever Adolescent Panda: It was a week. He really smashed that coffee pot.

Deadpool: [Along with the other two coffee pots and a breadmaker!] 

CAP: And a microwave.

Deadpool:*wistful*  [Oh yeah, I really smashed that thing good.]

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: *sarcastically, as she puts instant oatmeal in other microwave* Yeah, thanks a lot for wrecking the big microwave. Great work.

Calvin: {Yeah, those belonged to my coworkers, Wade. I'm gonna need you to replace those.}

Deadpool: [I'm not going to be doing that.]

Calvin: {CAP, if you please?}


Deadpool: [OK, OK, I'll get new ones.] *accusatory* [I thought you weren't a fan of forcing people to be good.]

Calvin: {I'm not, but it has its uses.}

CAP: Forget that, what about me?! My fur is nearly gone from all that petting. And I feel all jangly, like it's weird nobody's petting me now. Somebody pet me and tell me I'm pretty!

Deadpool: [Aw, it's baby's first fetish! *sniff* Always a proud day for a parent.]

CAP: Ew.

Calvin: *sighs, leans forward, resting forehead against his fingers* {Yeah, sorry about that. It was a long week for them, too, and they have poor impulse control. It's over now, they'll keep their distance now that Wade threatened to drink all their alcohol, so we can get back to other matters. You wanted to pay UnCalvin a visit, right?}

Deadpool: [My unrequited? I mean, ex-unrequited, because I'm a happily married man.]

CAP: Does that count if it's in another continuity?

Calvin: {I frown on cheating, so I'm going to say yes, yes it does.}

Deadpool: [What about your tourism slogan: What's happens on Earth-58008, stays on Earth-58008.]

Calvin: {I told you, Deadpool, this is not Earth-Boobs if you look at the calculator upside down!}

CAP: Why wouldn't it just be Earth-80085? Why does it need to be upside-down?

Calvin: {You know, I don't remember.}

Deadpool: [Me, either, but that's no surprise.]

Calvin: {Something to do with how the numbers look on an old-style calculator? The 5 looks more like an "s" upside-down? I don't know. Anyway, we've padded this thing out sufficiently, so no infidelity for Wade, and a visit to UnCalvin pending?}

CAP: I can't show up with all these bare patches!

Deadpool: [Heh, "bear".]

CAP: *glowers* Wade, don't start with me. They'll all laugh at me. Her security is supposed to be terrified of me!

Deadpool: [You know, people used to laugh at me. But then I let them see who I was underneath the mask, and they started to scream. Then I stabbed them.]

CAP: What?!

Calvin: {Umm, what I'm going to take from that is, once you start tearing through them, they'll fear you again. And maybe you won't even have to fight. We could just show up and ask to see Blender Furby. I bet if we're polite, UnCalvin will just let us in to see it, so we go away without destroying anything.}

Deadpool: [I'd like to vote against this "ask nicely" plan, and speak in favor of maximum devastation.]

CAP: No, he's right, it'll probably work. But I still don't want to go out like this.

Calvin: {You can borrow my blue hoodie.}

CAP: I don't know. . .

Calvin: {Your choices are the hoodie, my rain jacket/trashbag suit, and this orange shirt I got from a dentist's office. Or you can take your chances with what's in Wade's pouches.}

Deadpool: [I almost definitely have clean underwear in here someplace. Also, Kevlar.]

CAP: Kevlar's tempting, but I'll take the hoodie. As soon as I get some more of these cookies. They're fantastic!

Deadpool: [I know, they taste like rum and cordite!]

CAP: I was thinking Kool-Aid and warm soup, but OK. You don't want any Calvin?

Calvin: {No, better I don't. The secret ingredient is love.}

Crowd noise: Awwwwwwww.

CAP: What the hell was that?

Calvin: {No idea.}

Deadpool: [Who cares? Gimme another cookie!]

CAP: Seriously, though what's in these cookies?

Calvin: {I told you, love. There's a bunch of elves, or gnomes, or something, down the road. They take things with strong feelings of love attached, melt them down, and stir them into the cookies.}

CAP: What?!

Calvin: {Well, they tried making them with hate. Plenty of that to go around. Overabundance, really, when the birders were here. But everyone complained the cookies were bitter and sour. Love's less abundant, which is what makes each bite taste so special. Or so they say. Could just be pharmaceuticals in there.}

Deadpool: [So I could be eating some little girl's happy memories of playing with her Big Wheel?] *pushes away from table* [THIS WILL NOT STAND!] *grabs another cookie*

CAP: He's right, why haven't you done anything about it?

Calvin: {Hmm, let's see. For one, I don't know where it is exactly. In case you haven't noticed, we're in a forest, there are a lot of freaking trees. I tried asking the Ghost of the Forest, but I haven't heard anything from it since. Don't even know if it went looking. Two, they're little magic cookie making forest critters. I'm not qualified to handle something like that. But you guys are, so yeah, let's go get 'em.}

CAP: But you don't know where they are.

Deadpool: [I've got it! We'll burn the whole forest down! I just need a jet fighter and some napalm!]

Calvin: {NO.}

Deadpool: [I can make it work with a crop dusting plane, lighter fluid, and some matches.]

Calvin: {Still no.}

CAP: He's right. We have to rescue all the items they've stolen, and return as many as we can. But we still have to find them.

Makes Brakes Fail Lass (Still waiting on oatmeal. "Instant", my eye): They're in a walnut tree at that bend in the road with the berm before you get to the mailbox, about 40 yards down the back slope towards the pond. I can show it to you when we get there.

CAP: How do you know?

Calvin: {She has very good vision.}

Deadpool: *flatly* [Really.]

Makes Brakes Fail And Sees Things Lass: Yeah, I also know exactly what time it is when I wake up without looking at a clock!

Deadpool: *deadpan* [Wow, Cyclops and Wolverine will be fighting it out to recruit you.]

Has The Power Of Lots and Lots of Powers Lass: Cyclops? Blech. What a loser.

Deadpool: [While I concur that he is terrible, you'll never get the cool recruitment visit gifts if you don't play them against each other. You want car dealerships to give you a new ride under the table, don't you?]

Has The Power of Lots and Lots of Powers Lass: I'd rather they paid off my student loan debt.

Deadpool: [Let's not gets nuts. We're talking about a pair of paramilitary organizations with state-of-the-art technology and security. Not some magical world where elephants sneeze platinum for peanuts.]

CAP: Let's get going!

Lots of Powers Lass: OK, just let me grab my oatmeal.

*opens microwave door*

*oatmeal explodes in her face*

Lots of Powers Lass: Dammit technology!


Arion said...

Now that's what I call an interesting dialogue featuring the Merc with a mouth.

CalvinPitt said...

Thank you. I don't know that I ever get Deadpool's voice right, but I try to approximate his attitudes as best I can.