Monday, October 13, 2014

I Did This Today For One Joke

*We open on a familiar set of low whit buildings set atop a hill. The rain falls in vertical sheets as a lone blue truck with a white camper shell pulls up. One person steps out, covered in a set of shiny green plastic rain pants and coat, the hood obscuring their face. They swing a backpack over their shoulder and trudge through the rain into the building furthest to the west. Inside is the main living room, and we and the backpack haver find two figures flipping over couch cushions and going through cabinets frantically. One is a large, furry animal with black and white fur. The other is probably human, judging by the shape, carrying a lot of weapons, wearing a red-and-black outfit, and talking incessantly. The lone person observes them, unnoticed for the few seconds it takes for the door to slam shut behind him. When it does, the other two look up.*

Deadpool: [Gah! It's Trashbag Man! Stand back, little friend! I'll fend off his barrage of old Chinese takeout and dirty diapers with my, well, I don't really want to get that stuff all over my sword. I just cleaned it yesterday. Bullets would spray it everywhere. Maybe a couch cushion? They're already covered with waste.]

Clever Adolescent Panda (CAP, for short): Wade, I'm pretty sure that's Calvin. Also, put down the cushion. Even your healing factor may not be a match for what's on it.

Calvin: *exasperated* {What are you two doing here?}

CAP: We just wanted to visit?

Calvin: {Randomly, on a Monday? I am highly dubious.}

CAP: Umm.  . .

Deadpool: [We wanted to celebrate Columbus Day, so we barged into some place that wasn't ours, took anything we liked and trashed the rest. We forgot to bring diseases, though.]

Calvin: *sarcastically* {Really, between the anti-vaxxers and Ebola, that should have been the easiest part.}

Deadpool: *enthusiastically* [You'd think so, but. . .]

Calvin: {Wade, I haven't seen the sun in 5 days, and I've been rained on each of the last 4 days. I'm wet, my knee hurts, I'm not catching anything good, and I have a rapidly growing list of things irritating me you two are about to be added to if you don't get to the point.}

CAP: He must be angry if he's listing things. Just tell him.

Deadpool: *sheepish* [The last time we were here, those birders went through my pouches and I'm missing a lot of stuff. My super-bouncy ball, that TV Guide from the week Golden Girls premiered, the adamantium-tipped bullet I carry. . .]

Calvin: {Wade, that was 5 months ago. You're just coming back now?}

Deadpool: [Look, I have a lot of pouches, and I don't need everything all the time, so I didn't notice. Then you try remembering when you could have lost something with my memory. I was experimented on by Weapon X, you know. It was really traumatic.]

Calvin: {You're right, Wade. I'm sorry. Let me get out of this stuff, and we can look together.} *Calvin hangs up his keys and departs room*

CAP: Wait, did you say adamantium-tipped bullet?

Deadpool: [Probably. As much as I talk, the odds of any certain combination of words landing together are pretty good.]

CAP: Why do you need an adamantium-tipped bullet?

Deadpool: [To kill Wolverine. I'll be a comic legend after that.]

CAP: At least that explains why the Death of Wolverine event is running late. You screwed up your job.

Deadpool: [Look, I explained to Soule and Brevoort it was a bad idea to give me the bullet so far in advance. You know those kids, they give them one cookie and say they can have two more if they wait 10 minutes before eating the first one? I'm the one that can't wait.]

CAP: So you already used the bullet on someone?

Deadpool: [Bullet? I'm talking about cookies. But yes, I probably would have shot Flagsmasher with it if I hadn't lost it already.]

Calvin: *returns in a dry set of clothes* {Wade, the birders have been gone for almost three months. Their rooms are in the same hall as mine. You can take a look, but I bet your stuff got taken or else tossed.}

*After an extensive search, our three main characters return to the living room for cookies and beverages:  Milk for the panda, beer for Deadpool, and soda for Calvin.*

CAP: At least we found your garrote and a travel-sized thing of Kleenex.

Deadpool: [Plus, this skunked beer and some porno! And a surge protector! It's like a death auction for some redneck serial killer!]

CAP: Was that blood on the garrote when you lost it?

Calvin: {We didn't find it in the birder hall, so maybe not. Some of my coworkers were pretty stressed back in June.}

Deadpool: [Eh, maybe? Who can keep track? I have a lot of weapons to take care of, including the one in my pants.] *reaches into pants*

CAP: Wade, no! *buries face in adorable fuzzy arms*

Calvin: {Aw geez, we talked about public indecency!} *looks down at his soda, shields peripheral vision with one hand*

Coffeepot: Oh, real high class humor we got going on here.

Deadpool: [See? It's a handgun with an absurdly long barrel. Like that one Nicholson had in Batman. What did you think I meant?] 

CAP: Whew.

Coffeepot: *pfft*

Calvin: {Wade, are you sure you don't have any badgers on your person?}

Deadpool: [As sure as my tenuous grip on sanity allows. You are Calvin, right?]

Calvin: {Yes.}

Deadpool: [Then yes, I'm sure I don't have any badgers.]

CAP: What is it with you and badgers?

Calvin: {They're cool, and also, it seems like the sort of thing Deadpool would carry around to randomly throw at enemies.}

Coffeepot: Just run it into the ground, why don't ya?

Deadpool: [See here, that's animal cruelty and I would never engage in such an activity. Although it does sound pretty cool. You think if I called up Hank Pym, he'd shrink me down some badgers I could carry around and enlarge when I wanted to use them?]

CAP: No.

Calvin: {If you catch him at the right time. Get him in his Yellowjacket persona, he'd think it was a hoot.}

CAP: He'd also think it was a "hoot" to zap Wade with his biolelectric stinger thing, dress him up like Giant Man, and kill him as a way of killing himself.

Calvin: {Then Wade doesn't feel bad when he kills him.}

Deadpool: [That's true, I wouldn't.]

*During all this, one of Calvin's coworkers gets in from the field. It's Makes Brakes Fail Lass, who notices the firearm Wade has left sitting on the table.*

Makes Brakes Fail Lass: Oooh, that's a cool gun. Can I check it out?

Deadpool: [Why certainly! Still haven't tried that career change, huh? It can be scary, I know. I was a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman, until this old woman thought I was a robber and hit me with a broom. Then I realized print was dead and needed a new career. Or did I learn that from Ghostbusters?]

Calvin: {Wade, don't let her -} *barrel falls off* {- handle that weapon.}

Deadpool: *horrified* [What did you do?!]

Calvin: {Her powers mutated again. Now she makes other people's weapons break.}

Makes Brakes (and Weapons) Fail Lass: That is not true. I didn't do anything to that rifle of yours!

Calvin: {Really? Too bad I'm the one writing the story!}

CAP: *examining remains of the gun* This barrel looks like it detaches.

Deadpool: *slaps forehead* [Right. I forgot it does that because it's really hard to carry around with you otherwise.]

Coffeepot: Can't handle any real emotional weight, can you?

Makes Brakes (and Maybe Weapons?) Fail Lass: See?

Calvin: {Whatever.} *bites into cookie*

CAP: I've been meaning to ask, what's the deal with the coffeepot?

Calvin: {It's a Sarcastic Coffeepot. It makes cutting remarks or dismissive noises about things going on around it.}

CAP: That doesn't sound like a very good product.

Sarcastic Coffepot: Ooooooh, listen to the marketing executive here! A real visionary! Hey, 1947 called, it wants its talking animals with no pants back.

CAP: Hey, you shut up!

Deadpool: [I don't know. I've been in the market for an appliance that makes me feel bad about my life choices every morning.]

Sarcastic Coffeepot: That diet soda won't make up for those 5 cookies you just ate!

Calvin: *ignores Sarcastic Coffeepot* {Good luck with that. It could out-talk Deadpool. I'm pretty sure UnCalvin made it based off the Blender Furby.}

CAP: What? UnCalvin made this?

Deadpool: [What? You think it can outtalk me? I'll take that challenge!]

Sarcastic Coffeepot: You don't want any of this, you walking piece of chewed gum! You're gonna need all the self-esteem you can get after Marvel over-exposes you and then has to cancel your books because everyone gets sick of you!

Deadpool: [What do you know? You're just a stupid, one-note character with no redeeming values!]

Sarcastic Coffeepot: Game recognize game, is that what you're saying?

*Meanwhile, Calvin is trying to stop Clever Adolescent Panda from running out the door*

Calvin: {Just calm down. Another few minutes of insults and Wade will remember he can just shoot the coffeepot. Or unplug it. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You're following in a long line of talking animals that didn't wear pants.}

CAP: That's not it! I wear pants sometimes, when it's appropriate! UnCalvin experimented on Blender Furby! I have to stop it!

Calvin: {Are you sure? Maybe UnCalvin just studied it while fixing it and based these off the design.}

CAP: UnCalvin gave her word she'd fix it!

Calvin: *mutters to self, looks at ceiling distractedly* {Hmm, let's see. UnCalvin gave her word, which would suggest she'd honor it. But she's the opposite of me, and I typically honor my word, sp she wouldn't. But I occasionally don't, not that it comes up much, but still. And Uncalvin deviates from the pattern as convenient for storytelling convention. Carry the two. . . it might bear investigating.}

CAP: Then let me go!

Calvin: {At least wait until Wade's finished with his political roundtable over there and take him along. You can have another cookie in the meantime.}

CAP: *ears perk up* Cookie? That does sound pretty good. *returns to table*

Sarcastic Coffeepot: And moving in across the street from your daughter? Yeah, brilliant move. Next time Sabretooth comes knocking he won't have to travel far to find a chew toy. A couple of 'em, now that I think about Preston's son.

Deadpool: *very cold and serious* [Logan's not the only one who can use an adamantium-tipped bullet to the head.]

Sarcastic Coffeepot: Too bad you lost it, you putz. You're like yesterday's grounds: Cold, wet, dirty, and second-rate. They'd never let you kill Sabretooth.

Deadpool: [Turns out I didn't lose it. I found it in a different pouch when I was putting up the barrel of this gun. And I wasn't talking about using it on Sabretooth.] *Wade starts to load the bullet into one of his many firearms*

Sarcastic Coffeepot: *ENTER SELF-PRESERVATION MODE* Easy there, chief. Don't do anything stupid. Even though it's what you're best at. What? *SELF-PRESERVATION MODE NON-FUNCTIONAL* Those idiots, leaving my burner on all night!

Calvin: {Wade, don't waste that on this thing. It's not worth it.}

CAP: He's right Wade.

*Deadpool slowly puts up the gun*

Calvin: {Use this pickax instead. It's cheaper, easily replaceable, and smashing things by hand is fun.}

Deadpool: [I do like reenacting that scene from Office Space with things that can tell me how much they're suffering.]

Sarcastic Coffeepot: I'm not programmed to feel pain, jackass. *SMASH* Oh god, yes I am. Why?

Calvin: {UnCalvin can be really rough on her creations.}

CAP: *thoughtful* Yeah. Give me a turn, Wade!

Deadpool: [My turn's not done yet!]

CAP: *tugs Wade's arm* But you're gonna smash it all! C'mon, gimme! Calvin, make Wade share the pickaxe!

*More of Calvin's coworkers have gotten back, and are starting open-mouthed at the scene. Calvin shrugs sheepishly.*

Calvin: *unconvincing tone* {I don't know you, talking furry critter, but if I did, I'd tell you I'm not about to argue with Deadpool when he's swinging a tool with killing intent. Also, I think you're about to get hugged a lot.} 

*Three coworkers run over, squeeing over the panda. Clever Adolescent Panda finds itself being repeatedly petted and given big hugs, all the while it's demanding the pickaxe, to no avail. Deadpool is busy smashing the now-silent coffeepot across the room, then chasing after it to swat it again. Calvin sits back in a corner and just watches the show.*

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