Monday, April 03, 2017

They're Certainly Fools In April

*April 3rd, at Calvin's apartment. Calvin leans against the breakfast bar, arms crossed, tapping his foot impatiently while staring at the front door. Clever Adolescent Panda is behind him in the kitchen.*

Calvin: {C'moooon, hurry up with those pies. Pollock will certainly be here any time now!}

Clever Adolescent Panda: Then stop wasting them on innocent people!

Calvin: {It's not my fault! I don't normally get this many people at the door.}

CAP: You're lucky the Jehovah's Witness was so forgiving about you accidentally knocking him over the railing.

Calvin: {Well I was sure it was Pollock in disguise, so I put a little something extra on the throw.}

CAP: So it wasn't an accident is what you're saying.

Calvin: {Pollock would have recovered and landed gracefully on her feet!}

*The panda's response is to shake its head and tsk loudly. Silence reigns for a few minutes.*

CAP: I think we're being too obvious just waiting for her to walk in the door.

Calvin: *Calvin turns to face the panda* {We tried subterfuge the last time we tried the pie gag, and you ate the pie. The time before that, I got pied. No being sneaky. We see Pollock, we throw pies, we have a good laugh.}

Voice from the window to their left: Unless Pollock dropped in before you were ready.

*Pollock is coming in through the window. What an unforeseen turn of events, said no one ever.*

Calvin: {What are you doing entering through a window like that menace, Spider-Man? You better not have damaged the screen!}

Pollock: *sighs with condescending patience* The screen is undamaged, which is more than we'll be able to say about your face in a few minutes.

*Clever Adolescent Panda surreptitiously removes a pie from the oven, but Calvin waves it off with a shake of his head, which he keeps Pollock from noticing by holding his hands out in a placating gesture*

Calvin: {That's pretty hostile. What's the problem?}

Pollock: You ruined my plans again, you witless buffoon. First you stopped buying Deadpool, just as he was about to help me retake my company by ruining it. . .

*Flash to two months ago. Pollock and Deadpool stand in the alley across from ExpanCo headquarters. It's dark, a little breezy, pretty quiet on the streets, though.*

Pollock: Are you sure you understand your task?

Deadpool: *impatiently* [Yes, I've blown buildings up for insurance money before.]

Pollock: I told you I don't need the building destroyed. We just need to damage it enough to hurt the companies' reputation and standing. No endangering lives.

Deadpool: *making wanking motion* [Sure that seems a reasonable request in this case of industrial espionage and stock manipulation. Only hurt people economically by taking their jobs. I'll leave half the explosive here, in this nondescript container.]

*Deadpool is referring to a "Toys for Tots" box*

Pollock: Perhaps locked inside the van would be better.

Deadpool: [Fine, just like a capitalist, hoarding everything for yourself. *throws explosive in the van* Now can I be violent?]

Pollock: Absolutely.

*As Deadpool prepares to cross the street, he begins to fade out*

Deadpool: [Oh no, Calvin must have stopped buying my high-selling comic book and so I'm fading back into my dimension! Also I'm talking like a Silver Age DC Character.]

Pollock: *contemplates kicking van, opts for deep breathing instead* If you want your former business ruined, you have to do it yourself.

*Back in the present day*

CAP: You still haven't gotten to that?! I gave up waiting for you to ever call me to help.

Pollock: I took care of it, but I followed Calvin's advice to threaten some of the major shareholders with painful death in exchange for their shares. Except that one stubborn, elderly gent I had committed by impersonating his son, who I had abducted ahead of time.

CAP: *A little dumbfounded* What?

Calvin: {Jeez, that's pretty messed up, dude.}

Pollock: *sneers* Oh yes, psychiatric hospitals make you uncomfortable don't they? With your mental state, I'm not surprised. Anyway, I was embracing my inner super-villain, as I believe you suggested.

Calvin: {Sounds like you should be thanking me then, which doesn't make me feel as great as I'd hoped. Of course, in my head you following my plan also meant the end of you whining about not having control of your company.}

Pollock: Yes, all was going well. Employee morale was back up. We were getting back into wild science, and then you started buying Gwenpool.

CAP: Don't tell me she started showing up.

Calvin: {And I did that the same time I dropped Deadpool.}

Pollock: But he didn't make a real appearance until a month or so after you started buying the book.

*Flashback to one month ago. Deadpool reappears in the middle of the same street he vanished from. And is immediately run over by a bicycle. Wade picks himself up, shoots out the tires, and spends five minutes beating the bike messenger.*

Deadpool: *finished punching for the moment* [Where is Pollock? Where's the van with the rest of my explosives? The building doesn't look damaged at all! She must have been captured and is being held prisoner! Don't worry, I'll save you, not because you're a damsel, but because we're friends and you won't pay me if you get blown up along with the building. So rescue first, then destruction. Or simultaneous. Whichever.]

*As Wade shoulders his bag with the remaining explosives and rushes the building, we return to present**

Calvin: {Oh.}

CAP: *stifles a laugh* Sorry. It is kind of funny, and you did hire him to damage the building.

Pollock: Yes, and my insurance is comprehensive, if costly. But I can't let this pass without some revenge.

Calvin: {Beating me up is a little much for an honest mistake, though, isn't it?}

CAP: Yeah, and it's not very challenging, either.

Calvin: *turns to stare at the panda* {What the hell does that mean? And whose side are you on?}

Pollock: It means you're a clumsy oaf. But it's a fair point, and I think I can do something a little more in keeping with the spirit of the occasion.

Calvin: Don't put a hole in the wall! I don't want to lose my security deposit!

Pollock: No, instead I will delete all the apps off your smartphone! And then lock it so you can't add any more!

CAP: *leaps forward aggressively* You monster! It will only be able to function as a phone then. And maybe as a camera!

Calvin: {And a paperweight, which is most of what it does now.}

Pollock: *removes some small device from her coat pocket, begins tapping on screen* I doubt you'll be so sanguine once I remove the Osprey Alert!

Calvin: {Wait, stop! They don't sell it any more, I won't be able to get it even with a new phone!}

Pollock: *laughs maliciously* I know! I had it removed because, well, because only three people bought it, not profitable at all, but the fact is I just put it on the market in the hopes you'd buy it so I could get access to your phone! You didn't read the Terms of Service! Hahahaha!

*Pollock continues tapping and deftly backflips away from the panda's attempted tackle. Then a frown crosses Pollock's face*

Pollock: Do you really not have anything else on this phone but Osprey Alert?

Calvin: {What part of it mostly functioning as a paperweight didn't you understand? I'm quite content to use my flip phone for phone-related activities.}

CAP: Ha, you didn't count on Calvin's natural desire to minimize contact with all other life in the universe! And you should been more worried about my fist's desire to make contact with your face!

Pollock: Oh, how witty, spend long thinking that one up? It isn't over yet, my access to Calvin's phone goes farther than you'd think.

*Pollock swipes a finger across the screen and Calvin's phone sprouts six thin, wire legs from its side. It turns to face Calvin, electricity crackling from one of the plug-in ports, then leaps for him. Calvin ducks, and the phone goes flying into the kitchen. Calvin scrambles towards the panda in the living room, only to be kicked in the side by Pollock and sent tumbling down the hall. Clever Adolescent Panda's second tackle attempt is more successful, and drives Pollock into the side of the dining room table. Calvin rolls up to see the phone lunging for him again.*

Calvin: {Ack, crazy phone, crazy phone!} *Calvin kicks at it, but the phone hops straight up, and lands on his leg, sinking the wire in, then shocking him. The panda, having hopped onto the breakfast bar, sees this and dives to the rescue, pulling the phone off. Pollock comes around the corner into the hallway.*

Calvin: {Switch opponents!}

CAP: What?

Pollock: Are you seriously going to challenge me?

Calvin: {Bet on it bunky, I've been taking yoga. I'm as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined!}

*As the panda tries to corral the phone and grab a frying pan or pot to smash it with, Calvin charges down the hallway, fist raised. Pollock crouches low to duck the punch, and punches him directly in the face, sending him back down the hall near the guest bathroom. Calvin tumbles his way inside and slams the door.*

Pollock: Oh, that's just sad, but I really should have just gone this route in the first place. It's so much fun.

*Pollock steps to the door, and as she goes to kick it in, Calvin pulls it open. Unbalanced, Pollock does a split, half-in, half-out of the bathroom, and a bucket of water falls directly on her head. Calvin promptly smacks the side of the bucket as hard as he can. Pollock howls. Calvin steps over and out of the room.*

Calvin: {It worked, it worked! Get ready!}

*The panda has successfully smashed the phone, and picks up the pie that was ready some time ago from where it was kept hidden on the floor. Pollock wobbles down the hall, wet and disoriented with her ears ringing.*

Calvin: {Aim at the thing on the ceiling!}

CAP: Huh?

Calvin: {Just trust me!}

*The panda hurls the pie at the white ceramic cylinder on the ceiling. It shatters, and falls to the carpet, plastic bits and batteries everywhere. Nothing else happens.*

CAP: Where's the trap?

Calvin: *unconcerned* {What trap?}

CAP: What was that supposed to accomplish?

Calvin: {I just wanted you to smash the smoke alarm. It went off repeatedly yesterday when I was cooking and pissed me off.}

CAP: What is it with you and smoke alarms?

Pollock: *gaining composure* Really, have you no respect for the destructive power of fire?

Calvin: {Of course I do, I'm a wildlife biologist, I love the destructive and regenerative power of fire. I just really hate that loud shrill beeping the alarm makes.}

CAP: *exasperated* But that was the last pie we had!

Pollock: Ha-HA!

Calvin: *shrugs* {Eh, we got her with the bucket of water over the door gag, and nothing in the apartment I cared about got destroyed. I'm satisfied with that.}

CAP: I guess that's true.

Pollock: Perhaps I'm not done with you.

Calvin: {The phone's destroyed. It's 2 against 1 now.}

CAP: *with a wicked grin* Or, I could always come pay a visit to your offices again. Check out your break room, see how morale is holding up.

Pollock: *blanches* You wouldn't dare.

CAP: I'll bring Cassanee again, too.

Calvin: *shrugs again in a "whatcha gonna do? expression*

Pollock: *disgusted look* You're trying so hard to be indifferent, it's driving me nuts. Fine, I'll withdraw for now, but just you wait. I'll have my revenge on you all!

*With that, Pollock sweeps down the hall, pausing to give Calvin a contemptuous look, and lunge slightly in his direction to gauge the panda's reaction, before turning and leaping smoothly out the window.*

Calvin: {I'm hungry.}

CAP: Well I'm not making any more pies.

Calvin: {There's oatmeal raisin cookies there on the countertop.}

CAP: *munching a cookie* You think Pollock is going to try for revenge?

Calvin: {Probably. She got her company back, so she'll refocus. Hopefully with less emphasis on punching me. I'm getting too old for that shit.}

CAP: Yeah, I miss crazy science attacks.

Calvin: {Well, that stuff is hard to come up with sometimes.}

*Unbeknownst to either of them Pollock is hanging from the windowsill listening*

Pollock: Oh, I'll give you "crazy science", just you wait you miserable, smarty-pants fleabag.

Someone down in the courtyard: Hey, what are you doing hanging up there? Get lost before I call the cops!

Pollock: Crap. *Drops to the ground, sprints across courtyard to playground equipment, scrambles up the slide and leaps from the top* Don't mind me, I'm just one of those parkour-loving young folks! Ha, look how unconventionally I get from one place to the next!

* Editor's Note - See the story of Deadpool ruining Pollock's day while just trying to help in a story I might write someday, if I feel like it!

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