So Maybe It's Not A Weekly Feature, But. . .

It could still be a pretty frequent theme.

That's right, it's time to analyze/mock Tony Stark! This week brought us Civil War Files, a book filled with nothing but Tony Stark's self-assurance that he's right and everyone who disagrees with him is nuts.

OK, that's not true. Tony does seem to understand why Arachne isn't down with working for the Commission, and there's a moment where he actually seems to feel bad for the New Warriors, when he mentions that these kids who have only saved the world once or twice are being used as a symbol for brash, uncontrolled, reckless superheroics.

Of course, depending on how you read that, it could be interpreted as Tony saying they are brash kids, that only saved the world once or twice. He did tend to take their past success with a grain of salt, saying their first victory over Terrax was partially due to luck, and when they stopped Tai and that crazy mystical well, Stark only accepts that as being impressive because 'Dr. Strange assured him it could have been quite serious', so take it how you will. For now, I'll give Tony the benefit of the doubt.

I can't, however, give him any slack when he discusses that Ben Grimm left (or was getting ready to leave), and so he needs to ask Reed if he has any of those Thing exo-skeletons left. You're going to have someone impersonate the Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Thingtm, most likely so the public doesn't start to wonder why such a publicly-known and respected hero is against the Act? Not cool, Stark.

But that's not what I actually want to focus on. In his little file on Johnny Storm, Tony hypothesizes that since Johnny and Crystal had an amicable breakup, they might be able to use that to improve current relations between the U.S. and the Inhumans. Well, that and returning the Terrigen Mists to its rightful owner. Which is smart, Tony should want to make peace with the Inhumans, since they could provide aid to Cap (as Tony mentions), and besides, you really don't want to worry about a pissed off Black Bolt coming down to Earth (though the idea of a Black Bolt/Thor/Sentry melee is appealing).

The problem is, Tony wants the government to return the Mists (good idea), but keep a little sample covertly (bad idea). At this point, I'll admit I failed to find a good picture of Mr. Skullhead from Animaniacs. I'm very sorry. Back on topic.

Mr. Stark, look, I know you're a scientist. I know the idea of examining a sample of the Terrigen Mists must be incredibly appealing to you, and I'm sure Reed hasn't been this excited since you told him he could build his dream super-prison, but you have to understand, the people in the Commission and SHIELD you work for, they aren't nice people. Once you unlock the key to the Terrigen Mists (which we know will be your first step, to understand how it works), they're going to use that to come up with a way to cancel the effects, which will almost certainly lead to a strike at the Inhumans, for their "history of hostility", or something similar. That's probably after they use it on Pietro, because we sure as hell don't want those damn muties getting repowered! And if you can harness it to be used safely, it'll probably also be used to create an army of controllable superhumans, with none of the individuality that characterizes your breed.

Look Tony, Reed, I know that as futurists, and businessmen, you're used to seeing what products people will want, and then making them. But you ought to know, that there are times when you can't give the people what they want, because even if your intentions when you made it are good, the intentions of the people you're giving it to aren't. And given the people you're working for, that ought to be obvious. I mean, Gyrich is on that commission, he can't be trusted any farther than he could throw you. No, I don't care that Johns tried to make him an honorable guy, he's still a bastard! And SHIELD? You trusted Nick Fury and look at the crap that guy put people through (Secret War). You believe Maria Hill is any more trustworthy? She could barely tolerate you until you started to toe the line.

Besides, the Inhumans aren't idiots. They aren't just going to accept the Mists from you, bow and scrape, and leave. They're going to see how much you gave them, then they're going to find Pietro (not difficult with him advertising his presence), find out how much of the Mist he's used to reach his present state, compare all that with how much he stole, and do the math.

And then, they're going to raise holy hell (a phrase which makes no sense), and you're probably going to get crumpled up like a beer can on a frat boy's skull.

Just think about it. This once, let your love of being alive overwhelm your love of figuring out how stuff works.