UnCalvin Is Back

UnCalvinPitt: It's been a long time, but I have returned, just like MacArthur!

CalvinPitt: He's not kidding folks, we've had to type and retype this opening sequence until it was just the way he liked it. Originally, I'm sitting here, working on a post about how Arcade is partially Marvel's version of the Joker, when Un here comes staggering in, crying about how he's never on the blog anymore.

UnCalvinPitt: Hey now, we weren't supposed to discuss that! Do over!

CalvinPitt: Forget it! I'm still tired, and if we don't keep going, we'll never finish!

UnCalvinPitt: You forget, I am trained in the arts of combat! Nose Imploding Swift Kick! *FWBOOM* Why aren't you on the ground?

CalvinPitt: Between getting slapped by Adorable Baby Raccoon, and the random muggings FeadPool unleashes on me, I've developed an extremely high tolerance for pain. Have you been reading Iron Fist?

UnCalvinPitt: Yeah, so?

CalvinPitt: See, this is what I've been talking about! How are we supposed to be opposites if you read the same books I do? You're supposed to be reading all the Secret Assault tie-ins, Critical Final, and the rest so people can tell us apart. I'm not good enough at dialogue to get the point across otherwise!

UnCalvinPitt: Sorry. So, what post were you working on?

CalvinPitt: Well, Googum did a post two months ago where he discussed how Marvel has all these different characters that are kind of like Batman, but they use different combinations of his characteristics. And it reminded me of a conversation I heard in the comic book store about who was Marvel's version of the Joker.

UnCalvinPitt: Well, he's a pretty big name villain, so howzabout the Green Goblin? They're always kind of nuts, they're the major foe of each companies' most popular character, and they both kind of run against things that are important to their heroic foe.

CalvinPitt: Huh?

UnCalvinPitt: Think about it. Batman wants to maintain order, Joker's all about chaos. Spider-Man, um well there was something about how Spider-Man's trying to use his powers to help his loved ones, while the Goblin's hurt those they care about, but it doesn't really work.

CalvinPitt: If you flipped it around, it might work with Harry Osborn. He became the Goblin to protect his father's name, and near the end, swore he was going to keep his family happy and together. Meanwhile, Peter's anger is coming out as Spidey, and he's being distant from his wife, his aunt, and his fake parents.

UnCalvinPitt: Oh, I loved that fake parents story. It made Spidey all mad, and he was gonna smash Chameleon with that tombstone.

CalvinPitt: Ignoring your utter lack of taste, and back to the topic at hand. If I recall, one of the guys at the store said Carnage was Marvel's Joker. He's got the body count, but that's all he's got.

UnCalvin: What lack of taste? I read the copies in your collection! And Carnage can't be the Joker. Like you said, all he does is kill. The Joker used to steal worthless wooden coins to make himself look crazy, so he could get into an insane asylum to learn the location of stolen loot from another inmate. Carnage wouldn't have the patience for that.

Calvin: I only have Amazing Spider-Man issues from that story, and that's because of Mark Bagley's artwork, get stuffed. Maybe if Carnage hadn't been overused so much, and could have hung around prominently for longer, he could have gone through different interpretations, and that would given him a better chance.

UnCalvin: You have some issues from other Spider-Man titles too. And I don't know what they could do, because they started Carnage at serial killer who only believes in random, wholesale slaughter. It's seems hard to go more quirky with a character that starts there, without being parody, or a joke story. The Joker does like to kill people sometimes, so I guess they have that in common. But you're pushing Arcade? Based on what? Clothes?

Calvin: Yes, I have lots of other Spidey comics from that time, but they aren't ones focusing on the parents. They're just background plots in those comics. As for Arcade, he has that important thing that Joker himself told Carnage he was missing (in Spider-Man/Batman): style. That's part of what made me like Arcade when I read his first attack on the X-Men in a little reprint book. He's giving his origin, how he was a bored rich kid, who killed his dad after daddy cut off the cash flow, and so he went professional. But it bored him, and he told the ladies 'Any fool can kill. I wanted to do it with style.' That's the key. Arcade has a theatricality about him. Even if it doesn't work, he's still going to have some fun with it.

UnCalvin: But he's not very successful, and he works in secret, and he's limited in his style. it's always about Murderworld.

CalvinPitt: Well, how successful is the Joker at killing anyone other than random civilians used to make us afraid of him quickly? He's killed one of Gordon's wives, and Jason Todd, oops never mind, and who else? Black Mask's "notable" body count seems roughly equivalent. And yeah, Arcade has to bring his quarry to him, which used to involve a garbage truck, which is kind of cool, but I never said Arcade was the Joker in terms of his chaotic nature, just that he had the Joker's flair.

UnCalvin: So who does have the Joker's sense of chaos?

Calvin: Well, Carnage does, to the extent any one-trick pony can be chaotic. Jamie Braddock seems like one of those sorts who messes things up for no good reason, but he might not have even realized he was doing it. I'm pretty sure the Joker is aware of the stuff he's doing.

UnCalvin: What if he's not aware of his actions? Or at least not all of them?

Calvin: Which ones wouldn't he be aware of? Are making a Doombot postulate to explain things that didn't seem Joker-like. "Oh, he was in one of his Unaware states during that story. It's not really the Joker when that happens."

UnCalvin: No, I wasn't trying for that. I'm just pondering inconsequential things. You do it all the time. Maybe the Lizard? Nah, he's either too brainless, or too focused on revenge/helping reptiles rule the world. Hey where are you going?

Calvin: I need to floss while I ruminate on this problem.

UnCalvin: "Ruminate". What a tool. Can't just say "think". Still, I'm doing pretty well at this "same but not" thing. I dislike being called an evil opposite, though. Calvin's not a saint, so obviously I'm not that evil. I might not even be as evil as he is!

Calvin: I wondered when you'd figure that out.

UnCalvin: Wait, I was right? I'm more good than you?

Calvin: Yes, which is why you've lived this long. It was so convenient to have a duplicate everyone assumed was evil who was not, especially one who believed it himself, because then all my illegal activities could be pinned on the one with a preexisting criminal record. But now you know, and I can't take the chance you convince someone this is true. So you'll simply vanish, and the authorities will search endlessly for you. Farewell. *brandishes odd weapon, fires*

UnCalvin: Aaahhhh! Noooooo! *fades away*

UnCalvin: So what was the point of that? Your fictional account of how you wound up with a "same but not" twin?

Calvin: No, I just decided partway through the post to make it about a different realities' Calvin and UnCalvin, rather than about us. I just can't see myself as that evil.

UnCalvin: This from the guy who jokes about how many points you'd get from your car door hitting the elderly on their Hover Rounds as you drive?

Calvin: It's people on bicycles (more points for the ones dressed like professionals!), thank you very much. And I never actually do it. It'd leave an awful dent.

UnCalvin: That's pretty evil.

Calvin: Yes, but I'm just a little more good than bad. You, on the other hand, are the one that came up with a device to unneuter and unspay pets, so that it appears the procedure failed, and the animals have to go through it all over again, so you're clearly much worse than me.

UnCalvin: Hey, I'm giving those animals back their ability to procreate, cruelly stolen away from them by Bob Barker and his legion of followers!

Calvin: I think it's actually Drew Carey now, not Bob Barker, and if you're going to do this for the pets, you might want to get them somewhere the legions of nutcutters can't find themagain .

UnCalvin: Well, it's an Undead Bob Barker, and I'll look into that safe haven. Will you have me back again on the blog soon?

Calvin: Sure, I'm going to be away from home a lot this month, maybe you can fill in for me sometimes,

UnCalvin: Really, I'd love to stop by us the place for a drug lab, I mean, fill in on the blog. Thanks.

Calvin: I have the feeling I'm going to regret saying it was an alternate reality. Should have just shot him.