An Epic For Our Times

Calvin: Wasn't that on the cover of the first issue of New Gods? Stealing from Kirby is not cool.

ABP: Quiet, and let me talk!

{Night, early last week. Calvin's out of town, the apartment is dark, dusty, dreary, stinking of decay. A shadowy, hooded figure lands on the balcony and slides the door open.}

UnCalvin: Hmph. You'd think he could at least have enough respect for me to improve his security. His loss. Time to cause a little strife.

{UnCalvin surveys the room, and notices something gleaming in the hallway.}

UnCalvin: Now what junk has he left on the floor? Such disorder.

ABP: I'm not junk, and you won't cause any strife tonight!

{Adorable Baby Panda strides, well waddles, into the moonlight, clad in armor. Some of the white fur around the nose sticks out through the openings in the faceplate.}

UnCalvin: *calmly* Oh no, it is Adorable Baby Panda, I'd better run.

{UnCalvin takes one step back, but then launches forward off that foot, drawing a sword in a shallow upward arc. ABP hunches down, and raises an armored left forearm to ward off the blow. Then sword strikes the armor solidly, then rebounds, causing UnCalvin to take a step back.}

UnCalvin: Impressive work. However, armor frequently has weak points at the joints so you can move, and I doubt they'll stop the attacks as easily!

{UnCalvin leaps into the air, and dives down downward, bringing the sword towards the point where the left arm meets the shoulder in a stroke that whistles through the air. But ABP simply twists to the right and the strike hits on its back. The force does drive ABP forward onto its knees, but the blade doesn't cut through, instead sliding off and embedding into the carpet.}

ABP: Pretty hard to hit such a small target, huh? And you really shouldn't say what you plan to do before you do it.

{Glaring, UnCalvin swings again, a perfectly flat swing aimed at ABP's neck. ABP ducks down and the blade clangs off the side of the helmet. Fortunately, ABP is standing next to the wall, and avoids being sent flying across the room.}

UnCalvin: Fine. I can't get at you. {UnCalvin backs up and leans against a table casually.} So this was your brilliant plan? Get me to exhaust myself trying to defeat you? I'm not going to get drawn into that game.

ABP: No. My plan was to be safe from your attacks, so I could launch my own!

{ABP reaches back into the shadows of the hallway and draws a broadsword, much longer than the young panda. ABP slowly raises the sword above its head, then lurches forward.}

UnCalvin: Having a little difficulty? Maybe you should have chosen a more appropriate weapon? Bigger isn't always better. Well, it usually is, but in some instances. . .

{What instances UnCalvin might have meant are lost to the moment, as ABP lunges and brings the sword straight down in an arc that would end at UnCalvin's nose. The older fighter failed to realize that as difficult as it might be to raise the sword, with gravity's aid, it's much easier to bring it down. ABP counted on UnCalvin's overconfidence upon seeing those struggles to provide an element of surprise. And it almost worked. But almost just isn't good enough.}

*Interruption* Calvin: Whoa, time out. You're slipping into Claremontism land there, so be aware. If you use "focused totality", I'm stopping you before you slip into closet lesbianism land.

ABP: Closet what?

Calvin: Nothing. I mean, ask your mother, but don't tell her where you heard the term. I mean, please continue. *End 1st interruption*

{But almost just isn't good enough. Where UnCalvin stood, there is only ABP' sword. And what's left of Calvin's table. UnCalvin now stand in front of a squat bookcase, next to the TV.}

UnCalvin: Bravo. Impressive swing. Well, I had three swings, so I suppose you still have two left. Come on then, let's not tarry.

{ABP surges forward again, preparing for a level strike from the right.}

UnCalvin: You're too close to the wall, there's no room for a proper attack.

ABP: I know.

{At that moment, ABP adjusts its grip on the sword and spins clockwise, now bringing a Whirlwind Spin attack - as seen in Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time! - from the left side. Again though, too slow. UnCalvin, who had one foot resting on the top of the bookcase, uses that to vault over ABP and lands smoothly on the couch, several feet behind our courageous hero. ABP's attack slices through the top shelf of the bookcase, cleaving all of Calvin's manga in half. The sword continues into the wall, taking a chunk of it out as well.}

*Interruption* Calvin: If this is your excuse, it's a pretty poor one. So far, the only one destroying my stuff is you.

ABP: This is bigger than just your stuff, so let me finish. And I did protect your stuff! The stuff UnCalvin was after anyway! The blog's still safe. *End 2nd interruption*

UnCalvin: Ah, now I see your plan! To destroy all Calvin's possessions before I can! Very bold, but a bit scorched earth, don't you think? By the by, if I'd wanted to, I could have stabbed you in the back of your neck as I jumped over you. Your helmet doesn't fit quite perfectly, I don't think.

ABP: You could have tried.

UnCalvin: Been watching action movies lately, have we? How very worrisome. It's clearly sapped your intelligence to the point you don't even think to ask why I didn't do what I just told you I could have.

ABP: That's not important. Stopping you is.

UnCalvin: How do you propose to do that? I'm closer to Calvin's computer than you, and that armor weighs you down, limiting you to short bursts of speed. Also, it's restricting your movement and weakening your attacks (Which ABP would know if it had read Rurouni Kenshin Vol. 15, instead of destroying it - Caterwauling Calvin), just for future reference. I'm quite skilled with computers, what with Calvin not being skilled at all. By the time you wobble over here, I can wreak incalculable damage!

ABP: Well, thanks for the tip about the armor, but I don't take advice from bad guys. And, are you sure you're closer to Calvin's computer? Why don't you turn around? {UnCalvin does nothing.} Come on! If I'm as slow as you say, then you take one quick peek, and not have to worry about me, right? You chicken? Buk-buk! {ABP flaps arms.}

UnCalvin: Very well, I call your bluff!

{UnCalvin slowly, slowly turns, frequently glancing back to check what ABP is doing. For its part, ABP sits on its hind legs, sword resting on the ground amidst the wreckage of the bookcase, and the plaster from the hole in the wall. Finally, UnCalvin looks back towards the desk and sees Calvin's computer is missing. Eyes widen, then narrow, as UnCalvin turns back to glare fiercely at the furry do-gooder that strives to cast evil schemes askew.}

UnCalvin: What did you do with - His room!

{UnCalvin leaps off the couch towards the hallway. ABP, thinking quickly, throws the sword at the fleetfooted fiend. UnCalvin skids to a stop, just as the sword flies end over end past her - and into Calvin's air conditioner. UnCalvin turns to see ABP hurtling through the air towards her. UnCalvin hurls several throwing stars at ABP, causing the young panda to throw up its arms in a protective gesture. The stars clatter off the armor harmlessly, but cause ABP to lose track of the enemy. Until a foot swings forward, treating ABP as if it were a football being punted. ABP flies up and crashes into the ceiling, and on the fall, receives a roundhouse kick to the side, sending our intrepid hero flying into the door, cracking the wood. As ABP forces itself to rise, UnCalvin brings the flat of her sword against the side of ABP's helmet, right over the ear to be exact. This sets off a cacophonous ringing in the adorable avenger's ears, and ABP collapses back to the ground.}

From outside the apartment: Hey, what's going on in there? I'm about to call the cops if you don't knock it off!

UnCalvin: Curses! I can't afford to waste time dealing with the local law enforcement! It would only reinforce the perception of me as the "evil opposite". I do so loathe that term. Very well, my furry foe, you have succeeded in making me delay my plans. I trust the fact that I didn't slay you when I had the chance will make you reconsider you notions of me, and that the beating you've received will teach you the wisdom of not interfering in things that do not concern you! *into wrist communicator* I'm leaving! Lower the climbable escape mechanism! *feels tug on leg* What's this? Still trying? How impressive.

ABP: *slowly, with effort* You. . . can't leave. I want to. . . know. . . where you got the watch. . . radio.

UnCalvin: The House Sparrow/European Starling Coalition. They're quite skilled at miniaturized communication devices. Where did you get that armor? It's resilient.

ABP: Badgers. . . got us in contact with. . . trolls. Traded them ice cream. . . for armor.

UnCalvin: Ah. Well, I'll have to look into that. Now release me!

{UnCalvin kicks her ankle free of ABP's grasp, then heads towards the balcony. A rope ladder awaits. UnCalvin begins an ascent into the cloud the ladder hangs from. The ladder begins to swing.}

UnCalvin: You fool, hold this climbable escape mechanism steady!

Random Lackey #1: Master, it isn't me! Must be a wind shear!

{UnCalvin, though, has the instincts of both the hunter and the hunted, and so something makes her look down and see ABP, sans armor, climbing the ladder after her.}

UnCalvin: So the armor protected you even more than I imagined, and you merely feigned weakness to gain access to my base? Clever.

ABP: Well, that swat to the head did really hurt my inner ear. Where'd you get this lousy ladder, your hot air balloon? Or maybe you stole it from a kid's playset?

{UnCalvin snarls, climbs faster, reaching the massive flying castle hidden within the artificially generated clouds.}

UnCalvin: You! *points at Random Lackey #1* Cut the rope ladder loose! *speaking into wrist communicator* Gain altitude!

Captain of the Lackeys: Yes, Master!

{As the castle begins to rise, UnCalvin notices Lackey #1 has not cut the climbable escape mechanism, and instead looks at her blankly.}

UnCalvin: *sighs* Cut the climbable escape mechanism, please.

Random Lackey #1: Yes, Master!

{As Random Lackey #1 removes his knife from the sheath, ABP flips up into the castle. Perhaps ABP sways for a moment, disoriented by the acrobatic maneuver so soon after the sword over the ear. Or perhaps not. Either way, Random Lackey #1 is far too slow in reacting to avoid what comes next: A brutal, precisely placed kick to the nose. ABP feels the cartilage and bone shatter underneath its furry pad and grins madly. It'll be hard for this stupid punk to pull any. . . stuff when he can't breathe normally. Next ABP shatters a kneecap, and the scum falls with a groan, then ABP starts in on breaking the arms -}

*Interruption* Calvin: Now I know you're making this up, because you're just trying to ape Frank Miller. Not very well, I might add.

Adorable (reemphasizing adorable) Baby Panda: OK, I didn't break his kneecaps, or his arms. But the kick did break his nose. He bled a lot, it was icky. I gave him a hanky.

Calvin: Well, that was good of you. What's next? *End 3rd interruption*

{ABP places the handkerchief over the injured lackey's nose.}

ABP: I'm sorry, mister. I didn't mean to hit you that hard.

Random Lackey #1: *muffled* Dat's OK.

UnCalvin: That's the risk of putting your most inexperienced employees on the perimeter. harder to keep enemies out. But I think you'll find things only get harder from here.

ABP: I think you're in for a surprise. {ABP surreptitiously pushes a button on a small transmitter hidden in its fur.}

UnCalvin: You believe so? In this castle, I am master! Let's see how your sense of balance is holding up!

{UnCalvin draws what appears to be a remote control from the folds of her outfit. She spins a small dial, and the entire castle follows suit. Random Lackey #1 groans and throws up. ABP begins to stagger, and has trouble focusing.}

UnCalvin: Having some equilibrium issues? Poor dear. Perhaps some fresh air will help!

{UnCalvin picks up ABP by the scruff of the neck, and tosses the furball unceremoniously back towards the opening they entered through. Suddenly, a hand reaches out and catches ABP, just moments before our protagonist was going to have to learn how to fly.}

ABP: Huh?

{UnCalvin ceases the castle's spinning. It will make conversation easier.}

UnCalvin: Lackey, what are you doing?

Random Lackey #1: This little, uh, dude, dudette, panda, helped me! You didn't even care!

UnCalvin: *pinches bridge of nose with fingers, sighs* Yes, it did help you, but that little panda is also the one who broke your nose. Whereas I gave you full health coverage when you signed on. Your bills were going to be completely paid for, and you would have probably gotten at least a week off. Now I suppose you'll have to be terminated.

{UnCalvin pulls out a gun from a different pocket on her outfit. ABP and Lackey gasp. She aims, fires and - a boxing glove flies out and punches Lackey #1 in the nose, sending him flying out the opening, and into the air. Lackey #1 falls swiftly, until the parachute in the uniform deploys.}

UnCalvin: *yelling out the opening* Consider the fact I didn't remotely deactivate your freefalling, altitudinally-activated parachute your severance pay, Michael! *turns to ABP* Now, where were we?

{Editor's notes: In the original version, also known as the inside of my head, the lackey starts to retract the ladder once UnCalvin is onboard, without waiting for orders to do so, unwittingly bringing ABP into the flying castle. At which point UnCalvin was going to take Lackey's knife herself, and use it to gut the poor sucker. The Frank Miller thing came as I started illustrating the story in my head, and I kept seeing different parts in different styles (for the record, I originally saw UnCalvin looking like the Bagley's Crimson Cowl from Thunderbolts, only with darker colors), and once I went with that, I figured the gutting probably ought to be dropped since clearly the baby panda's seen enough violence somewhere. Plus, it keeps the question of precisely how evil UnCalvin is at least partially in the air. Also, I settled on UnCalvin being female at this stage (I think the shapeshifter idea is still in effect, since heck, I can't do that), largely because not using gender pronouns was getting exhausting between both UnCalvin and ABP (who I'm still trying really hard to leave gender unknown, for reader identification purposes, I suppose. Whether that's necessary or not, you can decide for yourself.)}

To be continued tomorrow (barring unforeseen complications)!