The Gripping Finale!

[Last time, Adorable Baby Panda survived the myriad dangers of UnCalvin's Fortress in the Sky, with a little help from Ronin (aka Classic Hawkeye) and Deadpool. UnCalvin has had enough though, and has summoned a creature to destroy them all.]

Deadpool: She knows magic?!

ABP: Well, Calvin doesn't know magic, so yeah, I guess she could.

Ronin: Don't look now, but the raccoons are leaving.

Raccoon Bobby #3: Sure you blokes have this well in hand, so we'll just be scarpering off now. Cheers mates.

UnCalvin: And they'll be the last to escape my wrath this day! You are all doomed!

{At that moment, Kat Il Mark Tah arrives. All things considered, it's a less than impressive entrance. There's no smell of brimstone or death, no great KRAKADOOM! or screams of tortured innocents, no brutal tear in the fabric of reality or red skies. A hole appears, a large chunk of ice falls through, and the hole closes again. The block of ice does land with an impressive THOOM!}

Ronin: Looks as though your demon spent a little too long in the freezer, honey. Tough break.

{UnCalvin offers only a thin smile in response. The cracking of the ice, and the low snarls from within the ice speak volumes. The ice shatters. Deadpool and Ronin shield ABP as Kat Il Mark Tah is loose. UnCalvin nimbly leaps from the dais to the ground.}

UnCalvin: Gentleman, I know it would be wise to stay and make certain our large friend here kills you, but I believe my time is better spent salvaging what I can of my home. Good day.

{With that, UnCalvin departs through an archway. Our heroes move to follow but the. . . creature blocking their path chooses that moment to belch a green orb at them. The three of them instead leap backwards, and where the substance lands, it begins to eat through the floor.}

Deadpool: Acid loogy? Cool! So what do we do now? I vote for lots of shooting and stabbing!

Ronin: Unless you've got an enchanted weapon, I doubt that's going to work on a demon. It is a demon, right?

{He looks at ABP.}

ABP: How would I know? {Stumbles backwards away from the monster's sweeping arm.} They don't teach us monsters from other worlds until we're teenagers! By the way, shouldn't this place be falling? Wade, did you forget to plant explosives around whatever keeps this place up?

Deadpool: {Fires repeatedly at what looks like the creatures head, with little effect. The rounds fail to penetrate.} You mean the repulsorlift thing? No, I planted the bombs, but I put a remote detonator on them, instead of a timer, so they wouldn't blow up until we're ready to go. Once those drives go, this thing will fall faster than Alex Rodriguez' stock with Yankees' fans after a strikeout. Why? You want me to push the button now?

ABP: Maybe. I don't know how we can stop this thing.

Ronin: Hey, let us worry about stopping this thing! You go find UnCalvin and make sure she doesn't get away to start this all over. Plus, maybe you can make her get rid of this thing. {Ronin fires a smoke arrow, blinding Kat Il Mark Tah.} Go!

{ABP gets low, and sprints past the beast, determined to make UnCalvin undo her handiwork before its too late.}

Deadpool: So, Mr. Loud-Mouth Ninja, how do we handle this? I've still got the detonator, we can make this place light up real pretty. I'm running out of bullets and grenades!

Ronin: Did you set the explosives all in one section of the drives, or through the whole thing?

Deadpool: All over the place! We're talking total shutdown, like Cable in the morning without a scone! Like I said, this thing'll drop like a rock!

Ronin: We don't know what it's dropping on though! If you just take out part of the engine, it'll gradually lose altitude!

Deadpool: The panda wanted total destruction, that's what I set them up for! {Now in the grasp of the beast, slicing away with both swords furiously.}

Ronin: Well, if we concentrate all the explosives in one section, then the descent will be slower, and maybe it'll be enough to destroy this thing if we get it in the same place! {Ronin launches a sonic arrow, which distracts Kat Il enough to free Deadpool. it responds by lashing out at Ronin, who dodges the attack, but not the shockwave, which sends him hurtling across the Amphitheater.}

Deadpool: Great! I love this plan, I'm excited about it! You go move the bombs around, I'll stay and lure this sweetie down there!

[Elsewhere]

UnCalvin: Captain, it appears we are lost. Give the order to abandon the ship, make certain the animal's and their habitats are dropped safely, and on trajectories leading to appropriate climes. And enter the code to send everyone's positive recommendation letters for future employment.

Captain Androzier: But Commandant, we know where their explosives are, we can save the engines. And the other two have abandoned that chattering fool to face your demon alone! We can still salvage this operation!

UnCalvin: I appreciate your support Jess, but they haven't abandoned him, they've simply put some plan into action. What forces we have that are still conscious would have to fight the ninja for the bombs, and I'm certain the panda will be here any moment. No, I think it's time for me to try something else. Please see to the welfare of the employees, especially those who've been in combat today. I'll make a stand here.

Captain Androzier: *nods* As you wish, Commandant. Good luck. {Nods to the others on the command deck, who follow out into the bowels of the ship, to prepare for their escape.}

UnCalvin: {Settles into a chair, and turns to face the way she entered from.} It's just us now. My employees respect me enough not to defy my wishes and try to interfere. How would you have us settle this?

ABP: You can start by making that monster stop attacking Deadpool!

UnCalvin: I would, but you see, I've only recently started studying sorcery, so I only know how to summon things, not how to control them once they are here. Why do you think I left so soon after it arrived?

ABP: You just won't help!

UnCalvin: Well, I'm Calvin's opposite! Hasn't that sunk in yet!? He would help, so I can't! Gods, it isn't that difficult of a concept!

ABP: So that's your excuse? It's not your fault, it's Calvin's for being willing to help?

{UnCalvin's face is hidden in darkness, darkness cast by the monitors behind her. On those monitors, Deadpool continues his stalling action against the demon. On the positive side, his healing factor has enabled him to bounce back from every bit of the considerable punishment he's received. On the negative side, nothing he's tried to hurt the creature has worked. It periodically loses interest in him, as he loses consciousness or limbs. But Wade is the stubborn sort, and keeps regaining its attention, and keeping it away from the fleeing employees that draw its occasional notice. A few grenades here, and collapsing section of castle there, and the Kat Il Mark Tah once again attacks this speck that harasses it.}

UnCalvin: *sighs* I frequently wish my life wasn't defined by what Calvin's isn't. I suppose this may be an opportunity to do something about that. I wonder if a change in me can cause a change in him? So let's draw that creature down to the engine room, shall we?

{UnCalvin draws a very large gun from yet another pocket on her outfit, and she and ABP descend back into the lower levels. Meanwhile, Deadpool looks like a mouse that's been the plaything of a house cat. Physically, he's fine, though his costume and weapons have seen better days. They really weren't designed to withstand acid, or several hundred pounds of flesh moving at over a hundred miles an hour. Mentally, he feels more confused than usual, possibly the result of his last attack. He tried to leap into the monster's mouth, reckoning it might not be as tough on the inside, except it anticipated the move and caught him. For better or worse, Wade was still close enough to the interior of the behemoth's mouth with his sword, and it did hurt his foe. Which is how he got rammed headfirst into a wall fifteen times. The last few times, Wade could swear the creature was laughing, though one of them sounded like FWOOM!. It's not laughing now, and it might be the concussion, but it doesn't seem to have a head either.}

ABP: Wow, that's a nice gun! Why didn't you use that earlier?

UnCalvin: It wouldn't have been sporting. If you played more video games with him, you'd remember Calvin's the one who likes to backshoot. I did consider it when Deadpool brought out that huge gun that fired vermin. If it had been a missile launcher, I probably would have used it then.

ABP: What's happening to the creature?

UnCalvin: Oh, it can't regenerate, but it can move move it organs to different locations on its body. I think it's brain and face have taken up residence on it's torso. I believe we have its attention, so perhaps we should get moving.

{They start to run for the engine room. Kat Il Mark Tah, quite displeased with the loss of its cranium, beings a lumbering pursuit.}

Deadpool: Alright, Round 19. You're ahead on points, so I'm gonna have to knock you out, just like Blind Al told me to. Don't worry about me ladies, it's under cont - where did everyone go?

ABP: Nyah, nyah, can't catch us, you stupid, ugly monster!

{ABP sticks out its tongue. Kat Il Mark Tah appears unfazed, and continues as before.}

UnCalvin: What on earth are you doing?

ABP: I thought maybe if I taunted it, it'd be sure to keep following us.

{Abruptly, both of them leap to opposite sides of the hall to dodge an acid ball.}

UnCalvin: I think physical damage is what it responds to, so let's save the verbal assault for a last resort, eh? Why did I have to summon something that spits acid? Why not a nice fire-breathing dragon, or maybe a slug that shoots lightning from its antennae? And one other thing, how did you get your friends up here without my sensor detecting their approach?

ABP: *still dodging acid spitballs* Oh that. I had a little transmitter hidden in my fur. When I made it up it, I used it to signal it was time to start. Remember how Wade said he went old school? Well, that included a teleporter he had back in the old days, so that's how they got up here. {Editor's note - As described in X-Force #2 (Volume 1), for example! - Crazily Cheery Calvin.}

UnCalvin: I had thought perhaps they used one of the sky cycles Hawkeye used to favor.

ABP: He said Tony Stark collected all those after he died. Deadpool really wants one now, though. {Enters the engine room.} Is this it?

UnCalvin: Quite. Now where is Ronin? I hope he didn't leave the job undone.

{Ronin drops from the piping along the ceiling, which was once again shrouded in shadows.}

Ronin: Lady, I never leave anything undone. The explosives are ready over here by these two engines, and here's our bright and beautiful boy. Come on in, hideous, got something real nice for you here. Let's fall back to the engine, then circle around behind the monster to the entrance, then we'll blow the explosives. {They run behind one of the engines.} Where's the detonator? {ABP and UnCalvin exchange a look.} Don't either of you have it?

ABP: We forgot to ask Wade for it. We were kind of busy running.

{The three of them keep the engine between them and this otherworldly abomination until they can escape back to the entrance.}

Ronin: Great. I was hoping we could all be well away when they blew, but it looks like someone's going to have to stay here and set them off from a little closer. With say, an arrow. You know, I wasn't looking forward to getting blown up again.

Deadpool: Or you could wait five damn seconds for the guy with the detonator to catch up. You ninjas are so impatient. No wonder it's so easy to beat you guys up. Now get away from the entrance before it sees you!

{At the sound of Deadpool's voice, the creature turns, and begins to move towards them, unintelligible sounds emanating from the vocal cords that are now somewhere near its digestive tract. But it's too late. It's prey are faster, and once they move away, then engines nearest Kat Il Mark Tah vanish in a hellstorm of fire and shrapnel. This being from another world, trapped for untold ages in ice, has briefly been free, for reasons it did not comprehend or concern itself with. Now it will never have the opportunity to care. Once it was trapped in ice; now it's consumed by fire.} {Editor's note - Good grief, is that overwrought. Sorry. - Constantly Self-Chastened Calvin.}

Deadpool: Well, that was pretty. So, time to blow this Pop Rocks stand? I guess you're small enough to catch a ride with me and Generic Ninja Character #2473, but what about our foxy felon here? I could come back for you.

UnCalvin: Thank you, but no. I have my own means of departure, and I believe it's best I leave it at that. However {She flips a business card to Deadpool} I have a contact number on there. If you move quickly, you could get in touch with me before I disconnect it. Take that to mean whatever you like. Oh, and rest assured, if I rebuild my stronghold, there are not going to be anymore pipes in shadows along the ceiling to hide on.

{And with that, UnCalvin turns and races down the hallway. Deadpool is adamant they leave right now, because he needs to get to a phone. So they teleport back to Calvin's apartment. Wade and Clint leave almost immediately, saying that cleaning up messes is not part of what they agreed to do. Which left ABP with the task of repairing the damage done. But ABP is tired, and said "Nuts to that!", and went home to get some sleep. The castle fell slowly to earth, ultimately crashing near the northern edge of the Great Barrier Reef. There was some concern of contamination, but the ship was found to have no hazardous materials, and it's believed it could form the basis for a new extension of the reef, so everything worked out pretty well. Though sad at their Commandant's disappearance, all the employees of the castle got fine new jobs, thanks to the glowing recommendation letters. A few of them did complain of raccoons in the escape pods, but the raccoons were fairly well-behaved so it was no big deal. The penguins on the other hand, were quite a handful. So really, the only person that came off a loser in this was Calvin, since his stuff got chopped in half.}

Calvin: Story of my life, right there. OK, I guess that explains all of that, except for why you never got back around to fixing my stuff.

ABP: I was tired after all the running, fighting, climbing and stuff.

Calvin: Well, you're going to help me fix all of it, starting this Friday, understand?

ABP: Yeah.

Calvin: Great. Now get home, and leave me with my shattered possessions. Oh, and one more thing: Thanks.