I Believe This Is The Point Where Things Get Weird

[Last time, Adorable Baby Panda stopped UnCalvinPitt from sabotaging CalvinPitt's blog in his absence. ABP then pursued UnCalvin up to her flying castle, where UnCalvin nearly flung the little warrior out, only to be thwarted by a kind-hearted, foolish employee of hers. For that, the lackey was fired, and wound up being the one launched from the castle. Now it's just ABP and UnCalvin again.]

UnCalvin: Now, where were we? Oh yes, I was preparing to destroy you.

{UnCalvin considers setting the castle spinning again, but somehow the moment for taking advantage of any disorientation ABP might be suffering seems to have passed. Might as well try another approach.}

Captain Androzier (aka Captain of the Lackeys): Sergeant, I worry about our Master being down there alone with that monster. Take six of your soldiers and capture the furry beast.

Sergeant Johanssen: You doubt our Master's capabilities?

Captain Androzier: Hardly. Yet it is still our duty to protect the Master. Just in case. Now get moving!

Sergeant Johanssen: Aye, aye!

{Johanssen leaves the command deck, barking at soldiers to meet him outside Sector 17-R. Two sets of eyes watch Johanssen from the shadows of various piping in the ceiling.}

1st Shadowy Figure: Sounds like the little furball's about to get swarmed like a honey-covered fat kid in an ant hill. Should we go help?

2nd Shadowy Figure: First, lovely imagery there. Second, I'll provide cover for ABP. You take care of things like we planned. And do it quietly. We don't want them to know anything is going on.

1st Shadowy Figure: Oh, yes sir. I'll be quiet as a seminary girl sneaking past the nuns after making out with her boyfriend, and that's pretty quiet let me tell you. Those nuns have ears like bats, and there's no way those rulers are just made out of wood. . .

2nd Shadowy Figure: Just go.

[Back in Sector 17-R]

UnCalvin: Well, seems like one of us left their armor and sword back there at the apartment. Lucky me, I still have my sword. {UnCalvin moves into a swordsman's crouch, left hand sliding towards her sword.}

ABP: Wait! {UnCalvin pauses.} How do you get the boxing glove inside the gun barrel?

UnCalvin: {UnCalvin straightens up, lets her left hand fall relaxed at her side. She and ABP begin to move in a slow circle, until UnCalvin pauses. ABP is now standing with its back to the exterior access.} Oh, that. The glove is tightly compressed inside a small canister that splits open from the front to the back as the projectile leaves the barrel. That took some work, let me assure you, but it was worth it. It really scares negligent employees at first glance, but more important, it shows I've got a sense of humor, which keeps things from getting too tense. Can't have everyone so wrapped up in ceremony and fear they can't function independently. They have to be willing to take initiative. And speaking of that. . .

{Sergeant Johanssen and the six security personnel enter the room two at a time behind UnCalvin, weapons and eyes sweeping in all directions.}

UnCalvin: Ah, Sergeant Johanssen. I assume you're here on Androzier's orders?

Johanssen: Yes Master. The Captain wished for us to provide support as necessary.

UnCalvin: How very considerate, and really, I've told you that "Master" is too over-the-top. Why not "Commandant"? It fits well with all the military ranks, don't you think? Tell you what, Johanssen. Your personnel haven't had any real opportunities to work in awhile, why don't you subdue our little friend here? I'd like to see how your training had paid off, if that's all right?

Johanssen: I appreciate the vote of confidence, Mas-, I mean Commandant. *on secure, helmet comm channel* Simmons, Heidlage, advance with your stun sticks. Start on a low setting, until we know this panda's tolerance. O'Blennises, ready the tranq guns. Commandant, how would you rate the agility of the opponent?

UnCalvin: Quite high, I'd say, based on the flip kick Michael received.

Johanssen: Good to know. Henderson, Daugherty, you get that net launcher ready if the panda starts to go Yoda on us. Alright, close combat team, advance!

{Heidlage and Simmons advance, Simmons swiftly, Heidlage more slowly. Rather than dodging Simmons' swing, ABP grabs Simmons' wrist, and using its low center of gravity, flipped Simmons head over heels. As Heidlage moves within range, ABP takes Simmons' stick, and swats Heidlage directly on the shin. Other than a few sparks, nothing happens.}

Heidlage: We aren't chumps, ya know. These suits are insulated. Nighty-night.

{Heidlage swings downward. ABP, with few options, uses the stun stick to parry Heidlage's attack, then leaps straight up, headbutting Heidlage's unprotected throat. The poor dear falls to the ground gasping, no longer an immediate concern.}

UnCalvin: *inner monologue* Note to self: Security personnel's suits require some sort of protection over the throat. Oh, here the little dervish comes again. *end inner monologue*

{As ABP leaps towards the remaining security, Henderson and Daugherty launch the net. ABP's mouth opens in surprise as there's nowhere to go to avoid it. Fortunately, an arrow with a buzzsaw chooses that moment to fly through the air and slice the net in two.}

Johanssen: Who's that up there?! *points toward more shadow-shrouded piping*

UnCalvin: Oh really now. *looks at ABP* You called in a ninja friend?

ABP: I told you to wear your good costume, Hawkeye! {Editor's note: If you'll recall, in the June 27, 2008 post, ABP mentioned that it had been hanging out with Clint Barton - Cantankerously Catty Calvin.}

2nd Shadowy Figure (aka Ronin, aka Classic Hawkeye): I told Kate she could keep the name, and the costume doesn't feel right without it. Besides, with or without the costume, I'm still Hawkeye, remember?

O'Blennis #1: So wait, are you going by Ronin, or are you still using Hawkeye? I'm confused.

{Other personnel murmur in agreement. Unnoticed, UnCalvin slips out into the castle hallways.}

Hawkin?: That's a very good question.

{Quicker than the eye can follow, Hawkeye fires two standard arrows, each one disabling a tranq gun. A blast arrow amidst the security sends them flying, until they crash into the stone walls and slump to the ground, unconscious. Hawkeye drops from the ceiling and lands gracefully next to ABP. ABP eyes him curiously.}

Roneye?: What?

ABP: Well, which name is it?

Clint Barton: If it's that important, let's just go with Ronin. Now where's the "Commandant"?

ABP: Aw, she escaped! I'm getting so tired of that. Well, I'll find her, I've got her scent. And shouldn't you be taking care of the plan?

Ronin: I left it in the hands of your other friend. *pause* That might have been a bad idea. I'll go check in. You sure you've got this under control?

ABP: No problem. How many goons can she have? {Ronin lobs a grappling hook up into the piping, and climbs back into the shadows. ABP begins pursuit.}

Captain Androzier: *speaking to all helmet receivers* All armed personnel! The Master is moving through corridor ZA-5, towards the Amphitheater. There is a small mammal in pursuit. Do no be fooled! It is agile, and a skilled fighter! Destroy it!

UnCalvin (who has a helmet under the hood, because hey, cranial protection is always a smart idea): *into wrist communicator* Belay that destroy order! I want you to drive the infiltrator into corridors RS-3, then WT-8, and finally AZ-5!

Captain Androzier: But Master, that will bring the fiend right to the Amphitheater!

UnCalvin: Yes, but it will take longer that way, which will give me time to prepare the finishing move! And keep an eye out for that ninja, and any other suspicious parties! And call me Commandant!

Captain Androzier: Yes, Commandant! Soldiers, carry out your orders!

{And so, ABP soon finds itself being shot at by many people, and they've stopped using tranquilizer darts. They've upgraded to rubber bullets, and no matter which way ABP turns, it seemed someone was there, firing away. Except, there is always one undefended direction, and ABP begins to get worried. But, rubber bullets really hurt, even if you've received training in ignoring pain, so all ABP can do is run. There are far too many to fight. Eventually, ABP reaches a large room, with a circular dais hanging from cables. Balconies ring the upper level, and arched entryways are present around the ground floor. UnCalvin rises from behind a control console on the dais, and smiles.}

UnCalvin: Greetings. How do you like our amphitheater? It's the primary place for entertainment here. We have plays, and sporting events, and there's even a sunroof for dining enjoyment. I sound as though I'm making a sales pitch, don't I? Well perhaps I am. You've been quite impressive, and I'm curious as to whether you'd like to join forces with my. . . well, I haven't really decided on a good name yet, but you could help with that too. You wouldn't be a subordinate, more a partner. Or a liaison between me and the pandas. We could do great things together.

ABP: Well, a flying castle is awfully neat, and they do seem to like working for you, but I can't. I don't think you're a good person, even if you pretend to be, and I bet you'd just use me to destroy Calvin.

UnCalvin: You won't consider the possibility that I really am trying to be good, not just pretending? I have so many plans and hopes to improve the world. Sure, I was going to conquer a few small countries to practice on. Maybe San Marino. I've heard it's a lovely little country. Or maybe Suriname, or a Pacific Island nation. Or maybe all of the above, to test our ideas under varying conditions. The point is, it's all with the best of intentions.

ABP: You can't go around taking over countries!

UnCalvin: Why not? People overthrow governments all the time, just for their own benefit. I'd actually be trying to help people. But I can see you've made up your mind. Pity. Well, at least let me show you some of the features built into the Amphitheater. We have some swimming facilities. {UnCalvin pushes a button, and ABP is abruptly isolated on a 4 x 4 section of floor surrounded by water.} Oh, and since some of my employees enjoy a little wrasslin', we're equipped for steel cage matches. With electrified cages, so there won't be any silly "win by climbing the fence". I want my workers to get their money's worth. {Another button, and fences slide down, just a foot beyond the edge of the water.} And, we have animal preserves, with some very entertaining wildlife. {UnCalvin pushes another button, and two platforms descend from the ceiling, each with a penguin on it. But not ordinary penguins. These penguins have bandannas over the tops of their heads, striped shirts with ragged sleeves, ratty, ragged pants, and daggers clutched in their beaks.}

ABP: Not. . . Pirate Penguins!!

*Interruption* Calvin: Whoa, hold on. How can penguins wear pants? They barely have any legs at all (and yes, I realize the oddness of questioning that out of the entire concept)!

ABP: Well, they weren't really wearing shirts and pants so much as striped, ragged muu-muus. But I wasn't sure that image would register with the audience, so I fudged a little.

Calvin: Ah, well then. Very good. *end interruption*

{Under ordinary circumstances, pandas and penguins rarely fight. Brief skirmishes, those usually the result of unexpected encounters at the fringes of each groups' territory. As a rule, penguins are crafty, relying on mental powers to make up for the physical shortcomings they have compared to their larger foes. But only the highest level penguins have such powers, and these two aren't among them. Fortunately, a baby panda doesn't possess the skill to make such powers necessary. The two penguins leap off their platforms into the water, and swim towards ABP's small bit of real estate, circling slowly, enjoying the moment. It's likely to be the only chance they ever have to defeat a panda, child or no. At that moment, explosions rock the castle.}

1st Shadowy Figure: Don't worry your furry little butt, I've got you covered!

UnCalvin: Deadpool?! I can't believe I'm surprised, but I am. *inner monologue* Best to stall him until the penguins finish their work. *out loud* How exactly have you avoided notice? You aren't known for stealth.

Deadpool: Well, pretty lady. I'm rocking things old school, Kelly/McGuinness style. Notice my larger than usual muscles - and you can take as long a look as you like, but it's gonna cost ya after the first minute - and *Deadpool flips a switch on a small device, and looks like a member of UnCalvin's security detail* the return of the image inducer! That's why you don't have any guards showing up about now. I was following the little squirt, chatting with your guys, sharing some smokes, and some discussion about your likes and dislikes - 'cause I'm interested in you as a person - then knocking them out, and they never saw it coming. Oh, and I destroyed your pot fields, you crazy drug fiend!

UnCalvin: Pot fields? That was where we grow our food, you blithering imbecile!

ABP: Wade, I'm still in trouble here!

{The two penguins have climbed up on the section of floor on either side of ABP, and are starting to approach, menace gleaming in their beady eyes.}

Deadpool: You have got to learn to relax, or all your fur will fall out. {Wade lifts a massive, cylindrical cannon, with four barrels.} *straining* Store didn't have my. . . Rocket Raccoon Launcher, but this is the next. . . best. . . thing! {Wade balances the gun on the railing of the balcony.} Woo, Good to have the muscles back. Raccoon Gun, fire! {Wade pulls the trigger, and four projectiles are fired. Projectiles which split open revealing four raccoons. Raccoons dressed like English police officers, complete with batons. The raccoons land lightly, two on either side of ABP, cutting off the penguins approach.}

Raccoon Bobby #1: *high, squeaky voice* Oy, what's all this then?

{A battle begins in earnest between the raccoons, with their stereotypical Cockney accents, and the penguins, who keep screaming "Shiver me timbers!". The penguins are confused enough the raccoons are winning, which normally would not be the case.}

UnCalvin: This is completely absurd! A gun that fires raccoons? Who ever heard of such a ludicrous contraption?

Deadpool: You would have, if you subscribed to Strangely Terror-Inducing Weapons for Mercs Monthly! Call this toll free number for more information today, and I get a bonus! What? The government keeps saying they'll pay me for squashing Skrulls, but I haven't seen check 1 so far! Now stay put you little parasite-carrying bundle of barf inducement, I'm gonna make an exit, like I dropped a fart in a crowded room! Which is a lot of fun, actually.

{Deadpool leaps from the balcony, and draws his sword. He cuts through the fence as he falls to the ground, and he's OK, because he's not grounded, so the current doesn't hurt. Until he lands, of course. At which point he is grounded, and he starts convulsing and smoking. Meanwhile, the penguins retreat back into the water, and one of them grabs the legs of one of the raccoons, in an attempt to drag it into their element, where they have a mobility advantage. The other raccoons grasp their brethren's tail desperately.}

Raccoon Bobby #3: You wogs let go of Samuelson, or I'll give you such a thump!

Ronin: Everybody, it's time to get out of the pool.

{Ronin fires a shock arrow into the water. In their surprise, the penguins release Samuelson, and so the penguins are the only ones that get zapped unconscious. They bob at the surface, dazed. From his position in a balcony, Ronin fires off an arrow with a line attached. It flies above the heads of ABP and the raccoons, and lands next to the no longer being shocked, but still smoking, form off Deadpool. Ronin slings the bow over the line, and slides down, ABP and the raccoons leap up and grab hold of his legs and he slides by, and all of them come to rest safely outside the cage.}

ABP: Deadpool, are you OK?

Deadpool: Great, except I think my hair is all standing on end.

ABP: Wade, I don't think you have any hair. Except in little patches here and there.

Deadpool: Hey, would you keep it down? I don't want our attractive adversary to hear that. Though maybe she wouldn't hold it against me. She could hold it against me, though. That and anything else she wanted to hold.

Ronin: I'm going to have to agree with Deadpool here. Red hair's not as nice as green, but it's still just fine.

Deadpool: Back off there. I know about how you steal other guy's girls, and it's not gonna happen this time, Daredevil!

Ronin: I'm not Daredevil.

Deadpool: Are you sure? I read on the Internet you were, and that was why Iron Fist was pretending to be Daredevil.

Ronin: Does Daredevil ever use a bow?

Deadpool: Well I suppose not, but that's even worse, since all you archers are even bigger horndogs than he is, between that loudmouth with the bad facial hair in Star City, and his sidekick that had the kid with the cat-assassin lady, and now he's sleeping with a bird girl. Then there's that Hawkeye guy. What a schmuck. How a guy who couldn't even think to take off his exploding arrows, instead of blowing himself up in a spaceship, gets so much tail I'll never know. I could do that, but the ladies just get squeamish when I regenerate. Maybe chicks dig guys with skirts. Note to self: Start wearing Marvel Girl outfit when I go dating.

ABP: Uh guys, you know UnCalvin is a shapeshifter, right? I'm not sure she's really a girl.

Deadpool: I'm cool with that. My old girl Vanessa was a shapeshifter, that opens a world of possibilities.

UnCalvin: Ahem. As truly wonderful as it is to hear you twits discuss relationships with me, I should point out we're hardly finished here. And if you've set out to destroy my home, then I suppose there's no reason not to go this far. {UnCalvin closes her eyes, raises her arms to the sky, and begins to chant.} Kat Il Mark Tah, Kat Il Mark Tah, Kat Il Mark Tah, come forth from your realm. Come forth from your ice-blasted hell of a homeland, and annihilate those who would set my plans astray!

ABP, Deadpool, Ronin, Raccoon Bobbies #1-4: Uh-oh.

To be concluded tomorrow!